AN: Another one-shot for you, guys. Yay! I got an interesting request and decided to go for it. So here's my attempt on justifying both Callie and Arizona's feelings during the scene where Arizona returns from Africa.
I suggest you listen to "Silent Night" by Low while reading…to really get ya in the 7x10 mood. I did while writing it – also, "Lightsick" by Zola Jesus (which is played during the 8x23 scene where Callie comforts Arizona) helped me find the right amount of emotions.
When that's said, I hope you'll enjoy it.
Disclaimer: All characters, rights and lines belong to Shonda Rhimes.
Callie's in the middle of doing the last finish to the dinner she's made for herself and Mark tonight; it's not like she's got anybody else to cook for anymore, so reconnecting with her best friend seemed like the only thing she wanted to do these days. Besides the need to cry when she was alone, of course. The nights were the worst; those nights where she kept squeezing the pillow next to her own, those nights where the coolness of her bed overwhelmed her heart, those nights where her soul was being ripped out by her thoughts because she knew that she would never – never – find a love like Arizona again. Callie just knew it. Nothing and no one in the world could give more love than Arizona, and Callie knew she'd forever compare whatever love life that would come to the one she'd had with Arizona. Because that love was something strong and passionate, that love was something emotional and real. And it still is, no questions about that. Which also kept Callie burning inside. She might be over the shock by now and the constant bad mouthing of the blonde helped her deal with her anger, but the tears always seemed to find her. They always seemed to push her even though she'd made it very clear to everyone at work that she was okay now, that she didn't care. She'd even approached that woman at Joe's to show them that she was ready to start looking again, and though the woman had been kind enough to compliment her hair, Callie just couldn't get over the fact that she wasn't blonde. That she wasn't blonde and blue-eyed with a svelte, glorious body only a true God knows how to create; that she wasn't the blonde her heart yearned for. But that only made her even angrier, she didn't want to think about her; it simply just hurt too much. Callie knew that she wasn't over Arizona and that she would never get to that point where she would be, but making her friends and colleagues see the strong and carefree woman embrace life somehow made Callie fall into character…until she was alone again. Arizona was always with her, though she hated it and felt claustrophobic whenever she allowed herself to really feel it. Arizona was always there. Physically she wasn't close but emotionally, as much as Callie hated it, Arizona was so very close. Every day and every night. And she had kind of accepted that; the only way to be with Arizona was through her emotional state of mind – and if that was the only way she'd get to be with the love of her life, then be it. She was angry though, mainly at herself for being so easy, for being so so so affected by it. How could Arizona walk out on a love like theirs? Callie knew that she wasn't the only one overwhelmed by their love, so Arizona leaving her – in an airport nonetheless – just made her furious. How come she was always to be left in public places? What kind of sick joke was that? As much as she longed for her blonde girlfriend…ex-girlfriend…to return and claim her heart again, just as much anger boiled within her. She might love Arizona stronger than love had ever felt but she knew she deserved more than to be left like she'd been. And she knew Arizona knew that too.
As she was about to pour the mixed stew into a bowl, Callie's thoughts got interrupted by a soft knock on the door. She grabbed her glass of wine, wondering why Mark knocked. It just wasn't in him to actually knock politely, so Callie sighed with a smirk.
"Mark, did you forget your keys?" she asked teasingly as she opened the door. Callie's heart stopped immediately. Right there – she was sure her dreams and prayers had been heard. But still she wasn't sure of anything because the woman she'd spend the last months trying to forget, trying not to love stood just before her very eyes.
This was it. Now was the time to spill out every single word she'd been rehearsing in her head since…since leaving her girlfriend in the airport. Since discovering that love could in reality be just like it's shown on stupid soaps, in fairytales and in songs. This was now she had to pull out everything this woman meant to her, Arizona knew that. If she was willing to come back and confess her innermost, deep love and devotion for Callie, she knew they would have a chance. She knew Callie loved her, there wasn't no doubt about that – the only thing Arizona hoped for was for Callie to let that love control her, to not let the last months stored anger and hurt control her heart. Taking a deep breath, Arizona readied herself to tell the love of her life that she in fact was the love of her life, that she'd made the biggest mistake by leaving their love behind. As the door opened and the sight of Callie greeted her, the rehearsed speech went right out the window. The beauty of the awe-striking woman instantaneously struck her. Callie was everything heavenly placed on this Earth, everything she needed and Arizona hated herself for having to travel across the world to finally realize that obvious factor. Looking Callie straight in the eyes she hoped to win love back. And to never lose it again.
"Okay, so picture this: I'm in Africa and everything is great. And the people are so nice and the clinic is amazing and I'm doing work that actual feels important," Arizona rushes, not able to control whatever flies out of her mouth. All she needs is to confess, to explain, to get love back.
Callie feels her soul twist as a stone is tossed away from her heavy heart. Arizona's hoarse voice spiraling in every fiber of her being, tugging on every string it can. She can't help but smile at how adorable Arizona looks, her fair skin almost glowing and her eyes sparkling with something Callie can't quite distinguish. Yet she doesn't know what to say, her body is being held hostage by the picture of Arizona standing just before her, rambling words of clear need and sorrow.
"Like I can actually see that I'm making a difference…" she proudly states, trying for everything in the world to be as honest as she can because she wants this, she needs this to come out right. Arizona is desperate; desperate to be loved by Callie again, whatever she'll have to do she'll do it. Bailing on an extremely rare opportunity work vice, she'd done that. She'll do anything right about now. Nothing had been worth her heartache, not even the possibility of becoming a high-approved pediatric surgeon saving African kids. Not anymore, not anytime again. Her heart simply wasn't in it – it was broken, it was half; the other half being in a state far, far way. She needed to get it back, to be whole again.
"…but I'm crying like constantly and this guy that I work with in the clinic finally asks me what's wrong and I say that I miss my girlfriend," Arizona explains while Callie's lungs cease to help her breath. If it wasn't for the fact that Arizona was pouring out a love declaration right there…on her doorstep…in Seattle…Callie would've thought she had become mentally ill. Arizona was right there, in the flesh, telling her that she missed her, that she misses her enough to come back. But when would that be enough? When would a new opportunity come along and haul her away again? Callie couldn't find head or tail in her thoughts as Arizona kept on dragging her into her flowing stream of heartache and evident need to be forgiven.
"Like I really miss her," and she did, she really did. The yearn to see Callie, to feel her, to hear her voice had become so physically powerful and Arizona had finally realized that there was no turning back this time. "So then he asks if I want to go back and he says he can replace me and I open my mouth to say 'no' and what comes out, weirdly, instead is 'yes'," Arizona finally lets her shoulders slump as she breathes the last word, finding a breath she didn't knew she had to take. All the while her eyes lock with the brown orbs before her, pleading for them to take her back, pleading for Callie to love her enough to take her back. "And so they did…and then I came back."
Her head is pounding and her chest is aching while her heart and soul are slowly drying. Seeing Arizona on the verge to break down in tears hurts her more than she thought possible. There's nothing more in the world she'd want to do more than take Arizona by the cheeks and pull her in for a sweet, passionate kiss; feeling the life she's been needing since she had it torn away and scattered in tiny pieces of sad stars before her. She wants it so bad, she wants Arizona so bad. She wants love. And she knows she could have it all – she knows the only thing she needs to do to get all that is, just to not give a damn about the last few months and forgive Arizona. Forgive mistakes, forgive heartache, forgive sleepless nights and most of all…forgive love.
Pricking her tongue into her cheek, Arizona lets a small breath escape along with a loving smile. "You look really pretty," she finally finishes, her voice cracking as she tries to hide the burning tears in her eyes. It hurts, it all hurts. But the thing that's hurting the most is watching Callie mentally pull herself further and further away from her. Arizona can almost hear Callie's inner debate on how to react and knowing her girlfriend, she knows that she's not always capable of letting love find the way. She knows about Callie's broken heart, she knows about her own, so it's no shock to Arizona that Callie has remained silent throughout the spontaneously reunion. But the exact same knowledge about Callie also plants little seeds of hope in Arizona's heart; because knowing how much Callie loves her despite everything that has happened before Africa, she trusts her to make the right decision. The decision of letting them love each other for the rest of their lives. Callie's head tilts and gives an almost invisible shake as her brown eyes speaks, and right there all the little seeds Arizona had carefully sprinkled in her mind vanish. Something in those eyes tells Arizona that life just isn't that easy.
Watching Arizona's eyes plead, all Callie wants to do is forgive. But she just can't, she can't forgive her even though that would be the obvious and easiest way for her to feel that love again. She just can't. Having not said anything, Callie watches the cerulean eyes cloud as a whimpering breath leaves Arizona's throat. Callie can't let her in again as much as she wants to, as much as her heart wants to – because somewhere in that said heart there's something telling her that she'll get hurt…again. That she'll never recover, and Callie needs to somehow walk tall if she wants to keep on living. And having her heart ripped out by Arizona for the third time isn't something she's willingly stepping into, not again.
The image of Callie gets smaller and smaller as Arizona watches her life slip through her fingers in one quick motion of a hand, closing a door she'd hoped to enter; closing her way back to love again. And as a blue surface is the barrier between her and what she so desperately and profusely needs for her to keep breathing, Arizona can't let this be the end of it. She just can't let love down again, she can't let Callie leave love. Taking a deep breath as she closes her eyes, resting her forehead against the door, Arizona can't help wondering that maybe tomorrow love will find a way, that maybe tomorrow she'll be able to start living if only Callie would let her.
It's the first time I've written both of their point of views in the same chapter/one-shot... did it work out okay?
Please let me know, thanks for reading! You guys are still awesome.