To Rest Deservedly

"I'm home!" Lux called, stepping into the foyer and closing the door.

Silence. Not even an echo answered… but she wasn't expecting it anyway. She removed her shoes and put on the slippers before venturing further inside. She made her way to the studio, detouring to the bedroom to deposit her things on the bed. As she approached the door she noticed the tray before it. Sighing, she crouched. The glass of juice was full, the sandwich and fruits she had prepared untouched. She ate a piece of browned apple before rising and knocking on the door. "Jihyun?"

Silence again. She opened the door and looked inside. The studio was dark, but not completely; silvery moonlight found its way through the gaps the curtains had left, giving the room a dim glow. Lux walked inside, leaving the door open to let some of the hallway light in. She saw him on the bed, wrapped tight in a thin blanket. She walked to the curtains and drew them apart; then, she faced the canvas he had been working on. It's nearly halfway finished… but it's been that way for six weeks now.

Lux breathed deeply. It was the sixth piece for his upcoming exhibition and it seems to be his toughest to date. Jihyun never said anything; he didn't want to worry her, but she sensed his struggle—his desperate and urgent need to break through the walls that blocked him. Being unable to do so easily made the ordeal more excruciating. She dearly wished she could do something for him, destroy the walls herself, but… this was a hurdle he must overcome himself as an artist, as his new self. All she could do was support him, ensure he ate and rested properly—though, right now she seemed to be failing spectacularly at that.

Guilty, she turned to him now. The blanket had nearly hidden him from view. She sat at the edge of the mattress and gently brushed away his fringe from his eyes. She noticed the dark circles—the result of his sleepless nights. The line of his jaw and cheeks were more pronounced. Lux stroked his hair, listening to his deep breaths. It's best he stayed asleep for now… at least he'd have some respite. She kissed his temple and adjusted the blanket around him before leaving. She picked up the tray, left the door ajar, and walked to the kitchen.

She better make some proper for him to eat.

"Jihyun?" Lux returned to the studio after nearly an hour of cooking. She shook him gently. He stirred, lids fluttering open. She smiled at him as he stared at her, eyes dazed. He mumbled her name and she stroked his arm. "Are you okay?"

Shaking his head, he took her hand and pulled her to him. She lied down, moving closer as he wrapped his arms around her and spooned her tightly against his body. He sighed and nuzzled the back of her neck. "Recharge…"

"Recharge?" Lux repeated, chuckling. "Been picking up Zen's vocabulary, are you?" Jihyun remained silent. She smiled—she could feel him blushing. "Jihyun?"

"I… heard it from Jumin."

"Jumin!?" she snorted. It was impossible to imagine such words coming out of the stoic corporate heir. "S-should I ask?" she bit her lip to keep herself from laughing at Jihyun's determined silence. "M-maybe not, then…"

Silence fell between them. Jihyun's breaths were warm on her skin and it comforted her as she ran her hands along his arm, giving him as much comfort as she could in return. The canvas glowed underneath the moonlight. Even at night Jihyun's creation looked as glorious as it did during the day. Now, however, it seemed to taunt them in their peace, exacerbating Jihyun's insecurities when it meant to challenge them. Lux glanced at him and saw that he was staring at it, eyes now clear and dark. She turned in his arms, blocking his view, and placed her palm on his cheek. "Talk to me?"

Jihyun now looked at her. She smiled encouragingly. With a sigh, he held her hand. "During my time overseas," he began, voice low, "I was alone."

She nodded. "Yes."

"But… I was also free." Breathing deeply, he looked away from her as his thoughts travelled to a place she couldn't reach. "Without the ropes of my history binding me I could… say whatever what I wanted, be whoever I wanted without feeling guilty. There I… could say I was an artist, be honest with that part of myself, and believe it. Because no one knew who I was."

Lux didn't say anything. She only continued to listen as she stroked his cheek.

"Returning… it's as if I bind myself once more." He closed his eyes. "The ghosts of my sins and inadequacies haunt me. Once again I wonder if I truly deserve—if I could even be—" he stopped, shaking his head with a sardonic chuckle. "No, I'm sorry. Forgive me. I'm worrying you with insecure nonsense."

"No—"

"I don't regret returning home, Lux," he continued, determined. "I don't. I'm glad to be here with you. To be with the RFA. This is… the pressure of the exhibition reaching me. I've hit a block on my new piece and it's… resurfaced memories."

"It's okay." She kissed his forehead. "I understand. You don't have to hide it from me."

"I want to."

"No, please." She smiled when he looked at her again. "Would it be better if it was overseas?"

"Perhaps… but I want to start here. I want to work here."

"Then start here." His fringe was in his eyes again. She brushed them aside. "The past… is something you can't forget. It's a part of you. But that doesn't mean you can't start again. You... now live as the person you want to be—the person you've always been. It seems difficult now because you had to be someone else for a while."

Jihyun said nothing and only looked at her.

"You deserve this," Lux continued. "You can do this. You're doing the best with your art, like you always do with everything. As long as you put your heart and honesty in everything you make you can't do wrong." She beamed. "When they finally see what you made it will reach them. They will hear you and respond. They'll see you as the person you are and react positively."

"Will that happen?"

His eyes were glistening. He looked into hers so deeply, so desperately, looking for something she was trying her best to give. Ever since his return almost all days were good days—days when Jihyun loved himself, what he did, and no amount of doubt dragged him under. Some days, though, were like this: when doubts overtook. Days like this when she tried her best to give him faith. "Yes, it will," she said, "I know it will. I believe it."

Swallowing hard, he closed his eyes and nodded. "Okay."

"As you said: this is a block. Blocks can be overcome," she whispered. "You will overcome this and when you do, everything else will follow. I promise you."

He nodded again and kissed her hand. "I believe you."

"And I believe in you." She tapped his nose.

Finally, he smiled and her heart melted at its brilliance. "Thank you."

"Oh, I'm just telling you the truth." Once again his fringe had fallen into his eyes. Chuckling, she swept them away once more. "Which sometimes you don't see because of this long hair of yours."

He laughed quietly. "But I like it this way."

"So do I, honestly." She leaned in close, rubbing their noses together before kissing him. He pulled her closer. She smiled against his lips, leaning away before he could deepen the kiss. "Shall we eat?"

"Mmm… no." He shook his head. "I want to sleep more."

"Okay."

"Please stay with me," he said, nuzzling her neck again. "Just a bit longer."

"Of course—but you have to eat when we wake up." He looked at her and she raised her brows at him. "You didn't eat the whole day."

He winced. "I'm sorry. I'll eat everything you made, I promise."

"Good." She stroked his hair, watching as his eyes closed. Soon, his breaths evened and he returned to slumber. His expression was calm and that made her happy. Three years ago, during those fateful five days, though he slept often it was drug-induced. One thing she noticed as she watched over him was the worry on his face, how it looked permanent because he didn't look any different when he was awake. Even in dreams, he couldn't rest; he couldn't let go of his guilt and his sense of responsibility. It was as if he wasn't allowing himself respite.

Now, though…

Now he no longer looked worried. He even has a hint of a smile on his lips. It must have been a tough time overseas, being alone and trying to convince himself that he was allowed to sleep in peace, to rest without guilt. It was the struggle he had to endure to arrive here, to a place where he could be himself. As she watched over him now she prayed to any higher being listening to let him continue this peaceful rest, this brighter life. She wished for him to live his days without any more guilt, to live it as the person he's always been.

After everything that's happened, it's the least he deserved.

Notes:

1. Here is part two because upon posting "Half-Awake, Fully in Love" I realised that I should have written something that is forJihyun and not the other way around. Ha. No regrets, though, I'm pretty happy with what I produced. I hope this one is just as adequate?

2. Two or three days ago I completed Saeran's route and... I'm in a state of shock. So right now I'm operating on a coping mechanism where I just write whatever. I just ride along lest I make it worse by fighting against it or yelling about it in Tripter.

3. The idea for this is that though Jihyun returned two years later positively changed, he still had moments of doubt—especially during the early days since his return. The doubts resurface whenever he gets blocks with his art and he couldn't create anything for long amounts of time. I wanted to explore the remnants of his trauma, the ones that never really went away even after all that rehabilitation. I hope I did it well.

That's it! As always, I hope you enjoyed and I appreciate you reading this. Feedback is always welcome.