WARNING: This Fanfic Contains An Extremely Dangerous Amount Of Stupidity That May Cause Harm. Please Do Not Read If You Are Pregnant, Have A Weak Heart, Or Suffer From Mad Cow Disease. The Author Is Not Responsible For Any Brain Injuries You May Obtain From Reading This. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!


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Transmutation

Edward Elric stared down at the smooth, crimson stone resting in his gloved palm of his hand. He'd finally done it. After years of pain and suffering and travail, he'd finally completed his mission.

He'd finally obtained The Philosopher's stone.

Tears brimming in his eyes, Edward turned to face his little brother, who stood a few feet away from him, staring fixatedly at the stone. "You did it, brother…" Alphonse breathed, exhaling a tinny sigh. His voice gave way to many emotions (because a countenance of stone cannot hold an expression.)

"Of course. I promised I would, didn't I?" Edward replied virtuously.

Alphonse inclined his metal head. "Now we can set straight what has been damaged."

Edward brushed the tears from his eyes with the back of hand. He reached into his pocket and produced something, clutching it tightly in his fist. Alphonse tried to get a look at it, but his brother turned away before he could glimpse it.

Edward walked to the center of the room and stooped to sketch a transmutation circle on the cold ground. He let the stone and the mysterious item fall from his hand, then stood back. Hesitantly, he brought his hands up and clapped them together.

A luminous beam of blue appeared, momentarily blinding both brothers. Edward brought his hands down to slam against the ground, and the beam of light escalated into a brilliant glow that encased the entire room.

Suddenly, as quickly as it appeared, the glow dissipated, leaving only eerie darkness and a deafening silence.

Alphonse's optics adjusted to the sudden darkness. He gingerly pushed himself into a sitting position (why he was lying down in the first place was beyond him), and looked around for his brother.

"Brother, did you do it?" he asked, voice trill with excitement.

A strange cackling rang in Alphonse's.. metal.. ear things. He whipped around, only to face darkness. "Brother, was that you? Did you do it?" he called, his voice reverberating off the shadowed walls.

"Yes. Yes, I did it," Edward replied tearfully. He clapped his hands together, and the darkness slowly diminished to reveal the older Elric kneeling on the floor with his back to his brother.

"You… you restored my body?" Alphonse asked tearfully, and awaited his brother's confirmation.

Alas, it never came.

--(Cue the needle-running-off-the-record-player sound effects.)--

"Uhhh… was that my mission?" Edward said, blinking obtusely.

"Yes," Alphonse replied uncertainly. Doubt nibbled at the back of his mind.

Edward sifted his fingers through his blond hair. "Oh… well… umm…" he stammered incoherently.

Alphonse sighed. "Ed, what did you do?"

The golden-haired boy turned back to the transmutation circle, staring at it as if it would supply an answer. Curious, Alphonse walked over to where his brother stood and looked down at the ground. He saw the faded lines of the circle, a crumbling russet stone, and a questionable pink compound.

"Ed! You didn't!" Alphonse gasped, fixing his brother with the most appalled expression a suit of armor could permit.

Edward beamed with pride and stooped to pick up the strange substance. "Yes, Al. I did. I fused baloney and salami together and created balomi!"

Seconds later, Alphonse died. Edward never knew if it was due to the amount of stupidity that had tainted the air when he'd spoken, or if a bug had licked off his blood circle. Either way, Alphonse Elric was dead.

Edward never cried. Not even at his funeral. He knew that his special balomi could fill in Alphonse's place in his heart.

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I Went Back And Edited This Chapter. The Spelling Was Abhorrent And The Grammar Was Just Atrocious. I Salvaged A Sum. I Should Really Contemplate Rewriting It Sometime. I Can Do So Much Better. Seriously.