This story is meant to be humorous and not taken seriously – and there is mention of sex but no actual sex is described. If you like it let me know, thank you!
Don't read this unless you've seen episode 4.16 Head of a Pin because there are SPOILERS for that episode.
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Hey, It's Win-Win
Lucifer's voice boomed and echoed out of hell, "Dean, you will not be able to stop me," he warned. He set his voice to a vibrate setting, which meant as he spoke his voice vibrated people in their personal areas like a vibrator would. He could do that, cause he was evil like that.
Dean was sitting and having coffee at Starbucks when it happened. Some of the women at the next table got an interesting look on their faces. Castiel, on the other hand, looked down at his groin area.
"Dean, what just happened to my vessel's private parts?" He asked.
"Lucifer's getting his jollies by trying to get everyone off while throwing threats at me. But don't worry, we'll teach him a lesson."
"We need to stop him from the apocalypse soon anyway," Castiel said. "Maybe we should do both at the same time."
"No, I think we'll stop him from the apocalypse, and then give him some of his own medicine. Then he'll get a double dose of dishing back his own bullshit. We might as well milk this thing for all we can get."
"Oh. Well, any thoughts on how you are going to stop him? He is the leader of hell, Prince of Darkness, a powerful angel gone demon, has more power than all of God's angel's combined, knows how to break anyone's will, has the power to end the world…"
"Castiel, calm down. I have a plan."
"Oh, what is it?"
"Well, Bobby has been researching. Somebody a long time ago did a ritual to find out exactly what could possibly stop Lucifer if the apocalypse ever happened. They were thinking ahead. Turns out a sex ritual is needed between the mortal man destined to save the world from Lucifer, and an angel."
"A sex ritual? To stop Lucifer? You can't be serious." Castiel said.
The women at the next table had even weirder looks now on their face then they did before. "I don't know what is with you deluded pervs," one of them said, "but this is Starbucks, not a mental hospital, where you belong."
Dean looked at them. "And I don't know what it is with your beatnik poems you're reading, but this is Starbucks, not San Francisco. And for your information, I'm going to saving the world, so you better kiss my ass. Who do you think vibrated your box a couple of minutes ago?"
Another woman said to her friends, "Actually, I thought it was happening from the overstimulation of looking at these two men at once, they are both drop-dead gorgeous, even if they are crazy."
"I wish we could take claim to that, ladies, but trust me, it was Lucifer," Dean said.
The women rolled their eyes.
"So – Dean – where did Bobby get this information, in one of his books? How do we know it's valid?" Castiel asked.
"Actually, he scoured through all his books and couldn't find a thing. I guess how to defeat Lucifer isn't something Lucifer wanted published all over the place. But Bobby did some searching on the internet, and discovered about the sex ritual on Wikipedia."
"What? You're planning on doing a sex ritual we don't even know is legit AND it's from Wikipedia?"
"Hey, I decided the situation was win-win, so we're going with it."
"Dean! What if it doesn't work? And which angel are you planning on having sex with anyway? Anna?"
"Well, the ritual was really specific, and said it HAD to be with an angel I bonded with. As far as Anna goes, she was a one-night-stand. And I tell you, the fact that I had a one-night-stand with an angel puts an extraordinary notch on that belt."
"Dean, would you quit bragging!. Then who are you going to do the ritual with?" Castiel asked.
"Maybe I can take Anna out on a date. Get to know her."
"Good grief! We have one week till the apocalypse! You plan on bonding with Anna that quickly?"
"I'll tell her we need to move our relationship along quickly." Dean said.
"Oh, I'm sure she'll relish that prospect," Castiel said sarcastically.
Dean nodded smugly, ignoring the sarcasm. "I'm sure she will. This whole taking Lucifer down is gonna be a snap."
A woman at the next table butted in. "You guys think the apocalypse is coming in a week, and you're sitting here at Starbucks drinking coffee?"
"Uh, yeah, it's a free country," Dean said. "Even heroes need coffee. It's not like I'm a god. Well – Cas over there – he's an angel – so I'm not so sure why he wants coffee…"
"Dean, you bought me a double mocha! So I'm drinking it."
"Oh yeah."
"Dean! Your plan sucks! You can't bond with Anna properly in a week, you got your information from Wikipedia, and this plan is just ludicrous anyway. A sex ritual with an angel is going to save the world. Angels don't even know how to have sex! Anna only did it with you because she'd been human for years."
"Well that's more perfect. Because the angel needs to be a virgin. Well, I guess Anna's out. Well, accept now that's she's an angel again, is her angel virginity intact? I think she only lost her virginity as a human."
Castiel rolled his eyes. "I can't believe this mess. We may as well plan for our doom. How did you get to be the one that needs to end the apocalypse?"
"Cause I started it, remember? I didn't make up these silly rules. And Cas, you are helping me set up the ritual, whether you like it or not. Remember how you pledged to fight by my side till the very end – you said it last week! And an angel's word is set in stone. Got that on Wikipedia too."
Castiel groaned. He didn't want to admit that Wikipedia was somehow accurate on that point.
Dean stood up. "Well, let's get started. It's part of the ritual that we have to take a whole week to set it up. There's tons of little details to attend to before the final deed is done."
"And you're going to have time to bond with Anna during that week too?" Castiel asked.
"Does that mean her angel virginity does count? Well, then, I'll really need you to do the grunt work for me, Cas."
Castiel gave him a look that could have torched a wet brick.
The following week, the ritual set up was almost done, except for doing the deed at 5:30am, so that the mutual orgasm would happen at exactly at 6am, starting a fresh new day with a new, apocalyptic free world. Castiel even had the candles burning all around the bed. The sheets were fresh except for having the tears of 50 different angels on it. (That was interesting to get done.) Anna appeared with anticipation on her face.
"Well, Dean, it's almost 5:30 am. Shall I get undressed?" she asked.
"No." He physically pushed Anna aside. Like physically pushed her off the five inch loft that the bed was on (that Castiel had to build). Then he took Castiel and pushed him down on the bed.
"Eeeep!" Castiel said. "What's going on?"
Dean smiled at him. "What do you think? You are the angel I am going to fulfill the ritual with. We have a genuine bond. Let's get started. I think I need to be on top for the ritual to work."
Castiel's eyes got so wide his angel self almost burst out. The light from it was coming through the cracks of his eyeballs.
"None of that, Cas, you need to be in a vessel for the ritual to work. Remember, your angel self would burn my eyes off. It would also burn my dick off and that wouldn't be good at all."
Castiel succumbed to the ritual – he was so overwhelmed with this turn of events and what was happening to him that he forgot about Lucifer's rising for at least ten minutes.
Dean was an excellent and skilled lover and managed to pull it off, that is, time it so they both had their orgasm at 6am. He finished the ritual with a lingering kiss.
The entire Earth shook with an earthquake. Lucifer's voice boomed all around them. "Curses! A well timed mutual orgasm between a mortal and the angel he fell in love with ended the apocalypse and locked me down here in hell for another 5000 years!"
"You fell IN LOVE with me?" Castiel asked with wonder.
"Yeah, I did, were you surprised?"
"Uh, YEAH since you never even mentioned using me as the angel for your ritual! And did you know I was in love with you?"
"Uh, YEAH, Castiel, since you can't even look at me without having this melting look in your eyes all the time. And you stare hard, dude. You think I'm blind?"
"But you never said a word to me how you felt? Why?"
Dean touched him gently. "Sorry, honey, that was part of the ritual – it was really complex, you had to think your love for me was unrequited till the very end and that was going to make the ritual pop the bubble on this apocalypse thing - that your so-called angelic unrequited love suddenly became requited and so your heart just about did major flip flops didn't it? It sent all kinds of waves of goodness all over the earth while we did it."
"But I wasn't sure you loved me…" Castiel said.
"Oh, come on. You at least felt it must be true, since the ritual actually worked. That I loved you, I mean."
"I guess I did, I knew in my heart you loved me when you took me." Castiel said. "But what about the fact that it wasn't really unrequited love? If you actually loved me, it wasn't unrequited, it was hidden love…"
"Dude, I said you had to THINK it was unrequited, that's all."
"Oh. And what about Anna? And making me do all that work?"
"Sorry about that honey. The ritual had to be set up by the angel that was in love with me. Kind of a sacrificing his self to me. Hope you didn't mind. As for Anna, I swear to you Cas, she was just a one night stand, nothing more, she means nothing to me…"
"Dean, I'm still here!" Anna interjected.
"A little privacy?" Dean said to Anna. "What are you still doing here, anyway? This isn't a peep show."
"So anyway, I tried not to lead her on too much, I mean I didn't even kiss her cause I said I couldn't all week it was part of the ritual but that was a lie. And just so you know, she never would have worked anyway, her virginity she lost as a human DID count."
"I still can't believe all this is happening. That we stopped Lucifer with a sex spell that was posted on Wikipedia. That you are in love with me," he said softly.
"Well, Cas, you were the one that told me that God works in mysterious ways."
"Well this example takes the cake."
"Oh, and we gotta give Lucifer a dose of his own medicine. See that guy over there behind the curtain? He was videotaping our whole lovemaking. It's gonna be converted into a youtube like video, and uploaded straight into Lucifer's mind by a ritual we dug up…"
"Let me guess…Wikipedia?"
"Yeah! So there's really this ritual where we can make it repeat in his mind over and over and over for 10 years."
"Isn't that a little extreme?"
"This is Lucifer we're talking about! He deserves way worse," Dean said.
"I guess that's right."
"Don't be going sympathetic for Lucifer on me. He's the bad guy."
"Sorry," Castiel said. "It's just that Luci used to be my brother, thousands of years ago…"
"Oh yeah. I get ya. Specially since my own bro nearly turned demon recently. That got pretty ugly, didn't it? Glad you were on my side to fight him. Wish we could do the same for your bro – but face it, Cas, Lucifer is LONG gone."
"Yeah, I faced it several thousand years ago – don't worry about it."
"I have one last surprise for you, Cas," Dean said with an endearing smile on his face.
"How can anything get better than this? I have your love, we stopped Lucifer, Anna doesn't mean jack shit to you…"
"You were jealous, weren't you?" Dean asked.
"Is the sky blue?"
"Well, sorry sweetie, that was another factor of the ritual, you had to be at least a little jealous, don't ask me why, but I am assuming your jealousy was completely cleansed right before we did it, right?"
"Oh yeah!"
"So, back to your surprise – I can't wait to show you Cas – I love you so much, and I'm tickled pink that you get to do this. I know you've been waiting like – forever."
"For what?"
"To meet God! God spoke to me and said for sure that me, the dude that saved the world, and his angel of choice, could get an appointment to see him. You will be the fifth angel that ever laid eyes on him, and I will be the first mortal that ever laid eyes on him. And he's giving me special glasses so I don't burn my eyes out. Oh, and your angel status has been upgraded effective immediately, from now on you can gain audience with God on a regular basis."
Castiel was speechless at first. But his face expressed completely how completely floored and happy he was. Finally, he said, "WOW. I feel like I've died and gone to heaven."
"We're already there, baby," Dean said, and kissed him again.
Epilogue:
And Anna was still watching them, cause she was a perv.
But then, we'd all watch them, wouldn't we? So we're all pervs.
The End.