Hey! It's Addie. I got the brilliant idea at like 2 am last night to write a fic about Jimmy going on What Not to Wear. Sorry it's a little wordy in places, that's how my early-in-the-morning brain happens to work. Hope you like it and pretty please with a cherry on top review!
Johnny: *sleeping*
Jimmy: *sleeping*
Johnny: *snores*
Jimmy: Johnny. Roll overrrrrrrr.
Johnny: *snores*
Jimmy: *shoves Johnny over to other side of bed*
Johnny: wh…uh?
Jimmy: *annoyed* you were snoring. So I shoved you.
Johnny: But! *stammering* it's an involuntary reflex and I can't control it!
Jimmy: Whatever.
Johnny: Meh.
Whatsername: *busts open door* Jimmy! I…uh… need you outside. Downstairs. Now.
Jimmy: Uh? Why?
Whatsername: Because…. Uh… *clearly lying* there's a…..capybara. a capybara in the driveway. And I'm too scared to try and get it to move. So I need you to…. Uh….. get rid of this capybara.
Johnny: The fuck is a capybara?
Whatsername: It's the world's largest rodent, indigenous to…. Uh…. Driveways.
Jimmy: Mmhmm. Whatever.
Johnny: *rolls over and pretends to go back to sleep*
Jimmy: *grabs baseball bat from next to his bed* Fiiiiiiiine. *heads outside to inspect large rodent*
Whatsername: *giggles*
Johnny: Whatsy. You're the worst liar ever.
Whatsername: I'm sorry. I'm trying to keep a secret. But I'm just too damn excited!
*downstairs*
Jimmy: What? I don't see a capybara. Large rodents are clearly not indigenous to Murder City.
Whatsername: *giggles uncontrollably*
Johnny: *slaps Whatsername on the wrist*
Jimmy: Johnny Cakes! Never hit a woman! Unless she's out of the kitchen!
Johnny: But… she is. This is the driveway.
Jimmy: The point stands. WHATSY GET YOUR LADY BUTT BACK INTO THE KITCHEN RIGHT NOW.
Whatsername: Shut up you chauvinist pig.
Jimmy: *snickers* I'm going back inside. There are clearly no capybaras that need to be shooed from our driveway.
Johnny: But…. Uh….. what if it comes back?
Whatsername: YEAH! Everyone knows capybaras are…. Um… indecisive animals!
Jimmy: *facepalms* Seriously. Stop it with the shenanigans. I'm going back inside.
Johnny: NOOOOOO! JIMMY I LOVE YOU. DON'T GOOOOOO
Jimmy: Jesus. I was just going back inside. This isn't fucking Titanic.
Whatsername: But really. You should…. Um…. Get in the car. We're going to go look for that terribly allusive capybara.
Jimmy: NO.
Johnny: But we need someone as strong and manly as you to help us fight off the filthy rodent!
Jimmy: *groans* UGH.
Whatsername: *giggles*
Jimmy: The hell is so funny?
Whatsername: Uh…. Nothing!
*pause*
*high heels clacking*
*whispering*
Stacy London: JIMMY!
Clinton Kelly: JIMMY!
Jimmy: The fuck are you?
Stacy: I'm Stacy,
Clinton: And I'm Clinton,
Both: And we're from TLC's What Not To Wear!
Jimmy: *stammering* whuh? Uhh? THE FUCK?
Whatsername: *giggling uncontrollably*
Stacy: Your friends Johnny and…. Wait…. What's your name again?
Whatsername: You can call me Whatsy.
Stacy: Your friends Johnny and Whatsy worked together to nominate you for What Not to Wear! We'd like to offer you $5,000 for a whole new wardrobe, but there's a catch:
Clinton: You've got to play by our rules: whatever we say goes, goes.
Jimmy: BUT I'M INSUBORDINANT! IT'S EVEN IN MY SONG! I DON'T LISTEN TO WELL DRESSED MAKEOVER SHOW HOSTS. I'M JIMMY AND I DO WHAT I FUCKING WANT.
Whatsername: *pouts* but Jimmy!
Johnny: C'mon muffin. DO IT AND YOU'RE COOL! DO IT AND YOU'RE COOL!
Jimmy: NO.
Stacy: But don't you want to look—
Jimmy: *cuts her off* NO.
Johnny: But Jimmy! MONEY. $5000. Do you know how long you have to deal to earn that kind of money?
Jimmy: If you're me? About three days.
Johnny: Aside the point. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT.
Whatsername: DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT.
Jimmy: Well… you know how I feel about money. And peer pressure.
Johnny: Yeah….. YEAH!
Jimmy: FINE. I'll do it. But only for Johnny-Cakes.
Clinton: Mahvelous.
Jimmy: Wait. You're not straight, are you?
Clinton: OF COURSE NOT, BEYOTCH.
Theo: *pops out of Jimmy's pants* *cheers* *hugs Clinton*
Jimmy: For once I'm actually not the object of Theo's affection! What a novel concept. WOOHOO
Theo: *hurt* I still love you Jimmy. Just not nearly as much as I love Clinton!
Jimmy: *facepalms*
Stacy: So, you're in?
Jimmy: I'm in.
Clinton: *hands Jimmy credit card and plane tickets*
Later, in New York…
Stacy: Welcome to our studio! Pick three outfits you would usually wear and hop on over to the 360.
Clinton: We'll be in the back picking out new outfits for you.
Jimmy: Mmhmm. Whatever. Mmmmm, money.
Clinton: *eyes Jimmy suspiciously* Remember, you have to go by our rules.
Jimmy: Yeah. Uh-huh. Totally. Rad.
Stacy and Clinton: *leave*
*in the 360*
Jimmy: Well. This is what I'd normally wear. *tugs on plain black tank top with various rips and snags* Uh…. A tank top. And jeans. That are….. black. As you can see. *admires figure in the mirror* Damn, I'm one sexy beast.
Stacy: Well. Jimmy… For starters…
Clinton: The little fabric left of your shirt is rayon blend. Tacky, tacky!
Jimmy: Um….
Stacy: And these jeans are far too tight for a man of your age.
Jimmy: But they're the only jeans that fit! In case you haven't noticed, I kind of don't have an ass.
Stacy: Jimmy. There's no need to be insecure. You have the figure that designers design for.
Jimmy: Really?
Stacy: YES.
Jimmy: That's nice, considering I subsist solely off of ramen, beer, and FourLoko….
Clinton: Um…
Stacy: Moving on. Do you like the way you look in this outfit?
Jimmy: YES.
Stacy: Really?
Jimmy: Yes?
Stacy: Do you think you could look better?
Jimmy: Well….
Stacy: That's the spirit…
Jimmy: As I was saying… NO.
Stacy: Jimmy, if you want the money for a new wardrobe, you need to follow the rules Clinton and I set. *points to a mannequin* This, here, is a suit that is far more appropriate for business. Remind me, what industry are you in?
Jimmy: Uh…..
Stacy: Go on…
Jimmy: Uh… Rabbit farming?
Stacy: *nods enthusiastically* Okay then.
Clinton: This beautiful overpriced suit is perfect for such a…. Um…. Dignified profession.
Jimmy: Sure. Whatever.
Theo: *pops out of Jimmy's shirt* CLINTONNNNN! SAY MORE WORDS! *hugs Clinton*
Clinton: Um… Hi. And you are?
Theo: THEO STOCKMAN. I mean… I can be someone else if you want me to be…. *winks*
Clinton: *shakes head cautiously*
Theo: pops back into mannequin's suit
Clinton: HOW DOES HE DO THAT?
Johnny: That's what I've yet to figure out. Oh well.
Stacy: So. Now's the part where we throw all your stuff away and bitch about your awful wardrobe.
Clinton: YIPPEE! Let's go!
Jimmy: *unenthusiastic* Fun…
Stacy: *holds up black tank top identical to the one Jimmy's wearing* Fugly. *throws shirt in trash can*
Jimmy: *stammering in protest*
Clinton: *holds up black skinny jeans identical to the ones Jimmy's wearing* Jimmy…. These are women's jeans.
Jimmy: I'm well aware.
Clinton: They're ducky-frucky-trucking lady pants!
Jimmy: Mmhmm.
Clinton: That doesn't bother you in the slightest?
Jimmy: Nope.
Theo: *pops out of the pants Clinton is holding up*
Stacy: Seriously. How does he keep doing that?
Jimmy: I TOLD YOU. I HAVE NO IDEA.
Theo: *drooling*
Jimmy: *snaps fingers in Theo's face*
Theo: Sorry. Sorry. *pops back into pants*
Clinton: *tosses pants into trash can*
Stacy: *picks up another identical black tank top*…Really?
Jimmy: *nods*
*later…..*
Stacy: Okay… Jimmy… we've thrown away 20 identical black tank tops. Time for you to buy a new, age and gender appropriate wardrobe.
Jimmy: Well it's not like I dress in drag…
Theo: *pops out of trash can full of Jimmy's old clothing* Not that I would mind that…
Jimmy: Theo. Ew.
Theo: Sorry. Hey, can I keep these clothes?
Stacy: I don't see why not. Not like we can donate them to charity or anything…
Theo: SWEET! More swag for my Jimmy shrine!
Jimmy: Um…. Theo…
Theo: Oh. I said that out loud?
Stacy, Clinton, and Jimmy: *nodding*
Theo: Um….. I think Tunny needs help um…. Adopting a cat. For his uncle. His uncle….. His uncle Ronciford. Tunny's uncle Ronciford wants a cat and there are laws against um….. allowing amputees or the uncles of amputees to adopt cats because cats…. Um… don't like prosthesis's. It's in section 4 clause 17. Read it. Kthxbye. *pops back into trash can*
Clinton: What is wrong with that child? How do you even know him?
Jimmy: He's um… my… erratic cousin. Yeah. That's it.
Clinton: Suuuure.
Jimmy: IT'S TRUE.
Stacy: So anyway. SHOPPING TIME! MY FAVORITE PART!
Clinton: YAY!
Jimmy: Um… yay?
Clinton: YAY!
Stacy: YAY!
Jimmy: Buttsex.
Clinton: What?
Jimmy: Yay?
Clinton: YAY!
Stacy: YAY!
*video diary*
Jimmy: *in a taxi* Well… uh… it's the first day of shopping and I'm…. y'know… shopping. So far all the stores Stacy and Clinton have sent me to have been…. Um… how do I phrase this diplomatically? Oh right. Fucking ugly. So now I'm sort of hoping for a minor miracle….
*cab pulls up in front of Hot Topic*
Jimmy: THAT'S MORE LIKE IT!
*enters store*
Jimmy: Mehehehehehe…. MONEYYYYYY
Sales Associate: Um? Can I help you?
Jimmy: Nooope. I'm good. Perfectly peachy.
Sales Associate: Sir? Are you, like, stoned?
Jimmy: entirely. AND I'M PERFECTLY PEACHY.
Sales Associate: Alright then. I'll leave you to find what you'd like.
*10 minutes later*
Jimmy: *walks up to register holding $5000 worth of identical black tank tops, black skinny jeans, and black hoodies.
Sales Associate: Will that be all, sir?
Jimmy: Yup.
Sales Associate: Your credit card?
Jimmy: *pays*
Sales Associate: Thank you sir. Come back soon!
Jimmy: *gets back in cab* TLC Studios, please.
Cab Driver: *Turns around and grins*
Jimmy: THEO?
Cab Driver: *giggles and nods*
Cab Driver/Theo: So, sweet thaang. Did you buy anything nice?
Jimmy: Fuck off.
Theo: *hops out cab window*
Jimmy: Well, guess I'll be needing a new cab.
*back at the studio*
Stacy: So, did you buy anything?
Jimmy: *nodding enthusiastically*
Clinton: Care to show us?
Jimmy: Okeeeey! *thrusts ten large Hot Topic bags in Clinton's direction*
Clinton: Whuh…. Wow.
Stacy: You're hopeless.
Jimmy: Mmhmm! I get that a lot.
Stacy: *shakes head*
Later, at home…
Johnny: Muffin! What did you get?
Jimmy: *shows Johnny massive suitcase filled with identical black clothes*
Johnny: OH JIMMY. I'M SO PROUD.
Theo: *pops out of Jimmy's suitcase* CLINTONNNNN. DON'T LEAVE MEEEEE.
Jimmy: Theo… We left New York four hours ago.
Theo: *crying hysterically* I NEED CLINTONNNNN
Jimmy: I feel neglected.
Johnny: NYET. I LOVE YOU JIMMEHHH. *kisses passionately*
Jimmy: Ok… I'm down with that…
Whatsername: Guys. No PDA in my presence. YOU KNOW I'M ALLERGIC TO SLASH.
Jimmy: That's not slash, prudeface. You want slash?
Johnny: BUT THE STORY'S RATED T!
Jimmy: Fine.
Johnny: I'm so proud your makeover was so wildly successful.
Jimmy: I KNOW RIGHT!
Whatsername: But you just bought a bunch of tank tops and more skinny jeans.
Jimmy: *nodding* mmhmm….
Whatsername: You mean we went through all the trouble of nominating you for THIS?
Jimmy: I know! ISN'T IT GREAT?
Whatsername: *facepalm* Men. They just don't get it.
FIN!
Hope you liked it! Pretty pretty please review! I promise if you review I'll be happy, and I like being happy. When I'm not happy, I don't want to go to school. If I don't go to school, I'll flunk out and I won't be able to get a job so I'll be poor so I'll have to live in a cardboard box and when it rains I'll be soggy. REVIEW IF YOU WANT SAINTADDIE TO BE HAPPY AND NOT SOGGY. Thanks lovelies!