"Mama, who dat?" At the innocent question, Nana's face freezes for a moment as she looks at her three year old child, Tsunayoshi. Tsuna quickly backs up, his intuition murmuring uneasily.
The coldness is gone as soon as it comes, and the face that made such an expression will eventually learn to hide it's distaste at the spiky brown hair and eyes. (Her child should have black hair.) For the moment, it smiles warmly; only love can be seen it's vapid brown eyes. (Just a shade too dark, though no one notices how they never glow gold in the light.)
"This is my sister, Tsu-kun." She smiles prettily down at Tsuna. (That crooked front tooth, she got it fixed when Tsu-kun was two.)
Tsuna grins, unaware of any dark emotions. "She wooks juft wike you, Mama!"
Nana hums. (Her voice is always a little lower than it should be; they say it was the smoke.) "Her name was Masumi. She had a son your age, Tsu-kun. He was your cousin." Tsuna fails to notice the small hints in her sentence. (She was always the more subtle one.) He eagerly asks for more information. "She was the elder, by about thirteen minutes. She was born at exactly 4:44 in the morning- I was 4:57. Now, Tsu-kun, why don't you go to bed? You don't want to be tired when Papa comes to visit tomorrow!" Tsuna nods eagerly. He hasn't realized that his father's absences are abnormal. (She'd always thought something was wrong, but she was happily oblivious.)
Her dreams are the same as always: smokesmokesmoke-can'tbreatheohgod-wheremybaby-nono nono. She is relieved to see the morning. (She always liked the sunrise best.) The bright colors are soothing to her mind.
Iemitsu comes to visit. (She'd loved him best, but he chose her.) Nana smiles and kisses him like nothing is wrong. He talks about old memories, and she always replies with the same phrase "I remember." (She loved to talk, even the little things. Her diary held what wasn't mentioned.) Iemitsu leaves with great fanfare. Nana cries. Still, nothing is wrong.
He wants another child, but she can't give him one. Too much damage, they say. No children with too-dark eyes and crooked smiles. Not allowed. Bad. Bad for Nana. She smiles and nods and yes-es—no one notices her grief. (She wants her own. Not this alien-like creature.)
Tsuna is fourfivesixseven. He is being bullied. Nana apologizes and bows and cries. She admonishes him.
Nofightingstudymakefriends. He tries and fails. He gets 19s and 20s on his tests. Nogoodclumsyshameful. (Her's would have been better. He would play sports and ace his classes.) Tsuna is still being bullied. Nana does nothing.
(It is her birthday. She waits for the second hand-ticktockticktock. She makes a wish at 4:44 AM. Tsuna is asleep.)
He is teneleventwelvethirteen. Nana calls the flier (maybe the tutor will keep him away from her). The tutor arrives. He has black hair and insect eyes. She doesn't like him; still she says "Call me Mama". Just like she would have (but it isn't her). Tsuna makes his first friend; Gokudera Hayato. (She is reminded of the one she had to marry-he smoked ugly cigarettes too.) "Call me Mama!" She chirps. She vomits her dinner up later that night. Reborn says it must have been the carrots (She hates them, but she loved them). Thunder crashes in her head.
Yamamoto Takeshi (Tsuyoshi confessed to her when they were nine. Her first confession-she said no.) He likes baseball. He tried to jump off of the school roof. She could sympathize. (She had contemplated it too.) The shower water felt like rain that night.
RyoheiKyoyaLamboMukuroChrome. Sunnycloudyelectricfoggymisty. Too many. Too many for No-Good Tsuna. Nana doesn't like them; not even Reborn notices her growing hatred. Fuuta ranks only harmless things. (She practiced those omelets over and over; cooking wasn't her expertise.) Nana pretends that the weapons are toys and the bruises are accidents.
Iemitsu comes back. Nana pretends to be happy. "I remember," she says. "I remember." (No. She doesn't. Iemitsu is easy to fool.) Nothing is wrong. She knows he is not here for her. She cries. (It was never her.) She finds solace with Lambo. (His hair is black, as it should be.)
Fourteenfifteensixteenseventeeneighteen. Tsuna graduates high school; she is relieved that he has left. He calls every day- she pretends to be out every day. She is empty when he visits. Masumi stays cooped up in her house every day. She is overjoyed that she doesn't have to be Nana anymore.
Fortyfourfortyfivefortysix. Tsuna has stopped visiting; he is too busy. He is closer to his father now. He understands him.
Masumi makes a decision. She is not needed. She has many knives in the kitchen. They are all very sharp (just in case). She is fifty one. Tsuna has not visited in five years. (She locks him out and pretends she is not home.) There is banging on the door. The neighbors are worried. She has not come out for a month. She chooses quickly- a smooth one for less pain. (That was a mistake; she should have chosen a serrated one.)
The door breaks, and she raises the knife to her wrist. The neighbors are cowards; they do not have the courage to fight her for the knife. (She disliked them very much; their pity grated on her nerves.) It isn't the neighbors. Her beloved (abhorred) angel (demon) grabs her wrist, stopping the movement. She turns on him (it), but he (it) is much stronger. He (it) looks sad (spiteful), gently (hatefully) lifting her up and bringing her out (to be cursed). She screamscriesbegs to be let go. A needle stab gives her blackness.
She is put in a white room. When asked for her name, she is disbelieved and the name Sawada Nana is written anyway. Tsutomu Masumi died years ago, they say. She throws a temper tantrum. She knows that they are lying- she is not dead. This is not the afterlife.
Iemitsu comes, and just hugs her. She simply stares at the tie she gave him a year ago. "I remember," she says.
"They do not know what happened."
No one believes her, but she knows Tsu-kun will believe her. He always believed in his Mama.
She is holding him on her lap (just his head, the rest is too big). He listens quietly as she rambles on about smoke and screaming and pain and grief and searching and loss and decisions, painful decisions. Jealousy and loathing and love and envy came into her story. Tsu-kun nods and smiles, looking sad.
She finally manages to overdose on pills. (That new nurse was naive.) They hospital says "No hope." They are right. She laughs in her head as the world fades away. Nothing comes after. (This must be her punishment.)
Her world has come to an end. Tsutomu Masumi is gone.