Two year had gone by. Two agonizing years. Jim thought he would never get through the first few weeks. But here he was. Two years later, on his way to see the one person he thought he would never see again. Now that he was going to get that chance, he knew exactly what he was going to do. After all, he had had two whole years to think about how he would act if he ever got a chance to be in his presence again.

Bones said he had gone through the five steps of grief, like someone would after their loved one died. Jim didn't believe him at first. It sounded ridiculous. Spock wasn't dead. He had left him. He was still alive, somewhere on New Vulcan, probably working day and night, living his life as if nothing had happened. After all, this was the second time he had left him.

But then, Jim realized that he was going through exactly that. He was grieving. Alive or not, Spock was gone, and he had taken a part of the human with him, and that part was missing, leaving a huge part of Jim dark and hollow.

The first step was denial. And Jim had denied for a long time. Denied that Spock was gone for good, that he didn't really leave him. That he'd come back any minute, realize that it had been a mistake. It took him months to realize that he was, in fact, in denial.

His parents begged him to leave the house he and Spock had lived in, but Jim just couldn't. If Spock returned, and he was gone, he would never be able to fix things again. After a while, his parents let it go. It was obvious that Jim was not going to move out.

The second step, according to his best friend, was anger. While he was still in denial, Jim hadn't understood why he should have been angry. But when the denial faded, the core of his pain hit him hard. He wasn't ready to deal with it. But the pain didn't care if he was or not. It was there, and it wasn't going anywhere.

At first Jim was only angry in general. It would burst out of him, causing him to throw things, break anything he got into his eyes. He had to replace his furniture more then once. Then, his anger focused itself on Spock. The Vulcan had left him, had hurt him again. The human didn't understand how it had been so easy for his lover, the one he believed to be the love of his like, the man he would grow old with, to walk away once more. The thought alone made Jim want to fly to New Vulcan and punch Spock in the face. Hard.

He began snapping at Bones, his parents, anyone that crossed his way and dared to talk to him. His anger was like a burning fire, eating him from the inside, and no amount of alcohol, of comfort giving from his friends and family could sooth him. Thinking back, Jim was sure this was the hardest time for everyone around him.

Jim realized the next step on his own. The next step was bargaining. Jim spent days sitting on top of his bed in the house Spock had bought, going over the scene of when Spock had left him. Wishing that he had acted differently. If he had only not refused, if he had simply gone with him, if he hadn't turned the Vulcan down flat out, then it might have been different. That if he had never actually spoke his mind so harshly, then it would have turned out okay. He would have spent his life with Spock on New Vulcan. And then maybe things had been different.

Jim's anger was now focused on himself. He hated himself for what he had done. That he had chased Spock away with his stupidity and childish behavior. He firmly believed that all of this was his doing for the duration of this phase. That everything could have been changed, and that he had ruined it. Only countless nights of drinking with Bones finally brought Jim to the next step.

Depression hit Jim like a tidal wave, and as the water retreated into the sea, it took Jim with him. He was drowning with the pain he felt. He couldn't breath. Nightmares were steady company in his sleep. The moment that shattered his heart replaying in his mind. Another dream showed him the dead body of his former lover, dead and cold on the dusty ground of the desert, green blood steadily seeping into the ground.

He had returned to work by this time, commanding the enterprise. He suffered privately. On the bridge, he was his normal charismatic, cheerful self. But in the privacy of his quarters, he spent hours staring at the ceiling, too afraid of his nightly terrors to close his eyes. He covered up the dark circles with, as embarrassing as it was, make up that he had picked up on earth. He knew Bones suspected that he wasn't doing as well as he lead on but Jim was able to quickly crush those suspicions with a glass of scotch and a night with the guys.

However, when he was alone Jim had frequent panic attacks that could only be soothed by the one thing he had taken from the house. One of Spock's sweaters, that had long lost the Vulcan's scent, was his security blanket. He wore it every day, though only in the secure four walls of his quarters. And whenever the pain, the agony, and the terror became to much, he would slip into the sweater that was at least two sized too big and imagined he could smell the Vulcan's scent on it, that Spock was only a few steps away, busy working, and he was waiting for him.

His depression was what stayed with him the longest. Months and months he spent in darkness, darkness he never thought would leave him. But one day, he hadn't even noticed it at the beginning, he didn't feel it anymore. His world had brightened. His life was better. He had progressed to the next, and final, step.

Acceptance.

Jim had accepted that Spock was gone. That he was going to have to live without him. And that his life was just not going to have the Vulcan in it.

Just when he had reached this acceptance, this relief, Admiral Pike had called him into his office.

Star Fleet had suddenly started worrying about the Vulcan's. They had grown tired of the tight lipped nature of the aliens, that had gotten even worse after the incident that killed so many of their people.

The most prominent fear was that the Vulcan's no longer trusted Star Fleet, or believed in their cause, and would turn their backs on their allies. And while Vulcan's were, in general, a peaceful race, they were a force to be reckoned with, if they ever decided to do something that was not in favor of helping Star Fleet.

Star Fleet wanted to secure the relations between the Federation and the Vulcan's, and learn more about them. Just in case, Admiral Pike had said. Jim found the entire idea of Vulcan's breaking out an all on war ridiculous. If the other Vulcan's were anything like Spock, that was not going to happen.

But Star Fleet had lost it's patience with the Vulcan's. They wanted answers, and they wanted a man on the inside. And they had picked him. Not only because he was charismatic, smart, and somewhat good at politics if he had to be. But because they knew that he had once been in an 'intimate relationship' with a Vulcan, meaning he already had some insight. They deemed he was the perfect man for the job.

Jim struggled with the decision that they had made at first. Not knowing if he could even be on the same planet as Spock without having a nervous break down. Without the pain coming back. He debated the issue for days. And suddenly, he had had a revelation.

He had never actually gone after Spock. As a child, that had been impossible. He couldn't have just hopped onto as ship and gone to Vulcan. But he had been able to go after Spock when they broke up. Spock had always looked out for him. Always made sure he was okay, always initiated everything that was important. That first meld. The first kiss. Quitting his job in order to stay with him. Buying them a home.

The Vulcan had, with a few exceptions, handled everything. Now, it was time for Jim to take the first step. He called Pike only seconds after this notion. He was going to New Vulcan. Not only to do his job. But to win back the man of his dreams. The love of his life.

He was going after his dream.

And here he stood, staring into Space, minutes away from setting foot onto the desert planet, where he would no doubt be greeted by Sarek, and maybe even his wife. Jim had no illusion that Spock would be there. The Vulcan was as stubborn as a mule. He wasn't going to welcome Jim back with open arms. He would have to work for it, and Jim had every intention of doing so.

"Mr. Kirk? We are ready to beam you down now, Sir. The Vulcan's made it a point that we would only bring you and your luggage to the surface."

Jim grinned. From what he had heard, Star Fleet had been hard pressed to come to an agreement with the Vulcan's. Pike himself had told Jim that it had taken months to get the alien race to accept another human on their planet, one to investigate them. Jim only knew of one other human living on Vulcan permanently. Spock's mother.

He had no doubt that she would play an important figure in his life from now on. Jim wasn't sure how long he was going to stay on Vulcan. It would take as long as it would take. Jim's orders where to find out as much about the Vulcan culture, their beliefs, their intentions, and whatever else he could and report back to Star Fleet. He wasn't to thrilled about his mission. He didn't like the idea of spying on the Vulcan's. On the other hand, he was much too curious to turn it down. He wanted to learn about Spock's people. About his home. About him.

"I'll be in the transporter room in a second. My suitcase is already in there, I hope?"

"Yes, Sir."

Jim took a last, deep breath before making his way to the transporter room. This was it. He had arrived.

"Ambassador Sarek." Jim greeted politely as he looked into the stoic face of the Vulcan, knowing better than to offer his hand in greeting.

"Jim Kirk." Sarek replied quietly. "My wife has been eagerly awaiting your arrival."

"It is a pleasure to be here, Sir." Jim said, putting on his brightest smile. It was obvious, at least to him, that Sarek didn't think of having him here as a pleasure. But Jim didn't budge, starting back into black eyes that were drilling into his face.

"It is an honor to have you here, Jim." came the soft voice Jim knew all to well.

"Lady Amanda." he said, his smile growing more genuine at the sight of the human.

"Oh Jim, we've been over this. You're supposed to call me Amanda." she smiled, stepping closer to the male, looking up at him with the sweetest of smiles. She looked a little older then she had when he had last seen her. Small wrinkles around her eyes that hadn't been there before.

"Sarek, why don't you let me show Jim to his room? Its already late, I'm sure whatever you had planned can wait until tomorrow." Amanda spoke softly, smiling at her husband. Sarek arched a brow, exactly the way Spock always had. Jim couldn't help a small smile. So this is where his lover had gotten it from. His father.

"That is acceptable. I bid you a good night, Jim Kirk." With that, the Vulcan spun around, his robs billowing around his tall, thin frame, walking away swiftly.

"I'm sorry about that Jim. He's..."

"Not happy with me here." Jim grinned, completing her sentence. "Though he would deny feeling anything of course."

Amanda laughed, a joyous, melodic sound.

"Yes.. well, the entire counsel is not too happy with this but they will get used to it. They didn't like having me around at first either. But Sarek supported me in every way he could. And I'll support you. Come, I want to show you my garden." She beckoned for him to follow her, and Jim was all to happy to comply, leaving his suitcase standing where it was. He would pick it up later.

Of course he knew that he wasn't being lead from the open hall to the garden to look at pretty flowers. Amanda wanted privacy. And her garden would grant them that. So Jim followed her into her garden, the heated air of the night caressing his skin as he sat down next to Amanda, that had chosen to seat them all the way in the back of the garden.

"How are you doing Jim?" she asked quietly.

"I'm okay. I really am. I wasn't for.. a long time. But.. for now, I'm doing fine." Jim smiled weakly. "I'm not sure what Spock told you what happened two years ago.."

"Nothing at all." Amanda replied, sighing quietly. "I thought you two were getting married. The next thing I know is him standing in front of me, telling me you two had separated and he was here to help. That was all. You know how he is. Just like his father."

Jim chuckled, nodding slowly, his lips curling into a soft smile. "Yeah. I know how he is. Truth is.. I didn't want to come and live here while he helped. Maybe it was selfish and I did this to us. But.. I wouldn't have been happy. I would have blamed him for having to give up my career, and other things among that. He was right to leave my sorry ass behind."

"But you're here now, Jim. What changed? I mean.. I assume you want him back?" she asked, placing a hand against his face, her eyes filled with worry. Not only for her son, Jim realized. But also for him.

"..A lot changed, Amanda. A lot changed. I realized he's my life. I knew it before, but didn't. I know it sounds stupid, and not very logical. But.. yeah. I need him around. And I just let him go. It feels like its my turn to try and sort things out. I want to give this another try."

"Its not going to be easy." she answered, resting her hands in her lap. "You know that, right?"

"I am fully aware that Spock has no intention of taking me back, Amanda. That he'll be too afraid to hurt me again, or to get hurt himself. But I have to try. I can't not try. And if it doesn't work out well.. At least I tried. I just need to try." He sighed, rubbing his face, looking up at the night sky, resting his hands in his lap, mimicking the female's posture. "How's he doing Amanda?"

"When he came back. He wasn't Spock. He wasn't my child, Jim. He looked like Spock, he walked like Spock, he talked like Spock. But he wasn't Spock." Amanda sighed, her hand reaching out to touch Jim's.

"Mother?" The voice made Jim jolt, jumping to his feet. Amanda turned her head.

"Spock, dear." she said quietly, standing to walk towards her son. The tall figure was still standing in the shadows, but Jim didn't need any more then the sound of his voice to know it was Spock. His Spock.

"I see our guest has arrived." Spock said smoothly, taking one step out of the shadows, finally gracing Jim with the chance to look at his handsome face.

"I have. And in one piece." Jim answered, almost afraid that his voice would break. Spock was just as beautiful as Jim remembered him to be. All dark haired and tall, sharp features, and black eyes.

"Mother. It would be advisable for Captain Kirk to retire to his rooms. It is late, and the counsel will call on him early tomorrow." Spock turned his gaze from Jim, tilting his head downward to look at his mother. "I assume you have not showed him to his rooms yet."

"Not captain anymore." Jim threw in. "I quit that job." His words earned him a short flash of confusion from the Vulcan's face, that was quickly replaced with a blank expression.

"No, Spock, I haven't. Could you do that for me? It is very late, and I am quite tired. I would like to lay down, and his room is on the other side of the house. It would be much easier on me if I didn't have to make the walk there and back." Jim had to cover up a chuckle by faking a cough.

"Its the..air. Kinda dry. Gotta get used to it." he quickly said, forcing another fake cough while he covered his mouth.

Spock quirked a brow, and Jim could see the utter annoyance with the task he was given. But Jim didn't expect anything else. He had known it wouldn't be easy.

"..Very well, mother. I will escort Cap- Mr. Kirk to his rooms." The Vulcan looked at Jim, silently telling him to follow him. Jim quickly complied, walking past Amanda who gave him a quick wink before departing from them.

Spock silently lead Jim back to the hall, where the human quickly picked up his luggage, and then resumed following the Vulcan. The silence was uncomfortable, the air filled with tension, and Jim struggled to keep up with the quick paced steps of the taller man.

"So. How have you been?" he asked, trying to break the silence, to do something, anything against this torturing feeling. "Anything exciting happen?"

"My condition is satisfactory. There were no events worthy of reciting to you." came the bland answer.

"I see." Jim said quietly.

"You have quit your job." Spock suddenly said.

"Huh? Oh yeah. When I was offered this job, I couldn't really still be a captain. So I quit. Why do you ask?"

"..You made a wrong decision." Spock said, stopping in front of a big wooden door. "You should not be here. It is not the place you should be at. You have no business on this planet."

Jim sighed, taking a step towards the Vulcan.

"Why don't you let me decide that for myself. I made a decision that I think is right for me. I can always go back to being a captain after this. This is my decision. And its the right one for me, at this time."

"...I am right to assume that my being here was a factor in your decision, if not the only thing that mattered?"

"Yes Spock. You were part of my decision. Not all of it, but a part. I was sick of flying through the universe without having someone.. without having you to come home to. I found out that being a captain is great and I love it. But. Its not enough. It doesn't complete me. You do. I've come here to learn more about you. About your people. And yes. I came here to get you back. Because.. in the end. You're all I want."

Silence once more laid heavy between them. Jim waited for Spock to speak, to say anything. He had said what he wanted to say, and it was his turn to wait.

"Jim." Spock's voice was quiet, letting his name hang in the air for just a few seconds. Jim could have sworn he saw the Vulcan's posture relax for just a moment before once more going rigid.

"We have been through this before. The result.. left no room for doubt. We are not compatible. Therefor I will ask you to nor pursue me. I ask you to do what you have been ordered to, and to return to being a captain. There will never be any relationship between us again. There are your rooms. A bedroom with an adjoining bathroom. You will find them to be supplied with anything you might require. Good night, Mr. Kirk."

Jim stared at the Vulcan's broad back as the alien made his quick retreat, shaking his head with a soft grin. If Spock thought he was going to give up so quickly, he was mistaken. He wasn't going to give up just like that. He would give his best. And if Spock still turned him down then, then he would accept it.

He opened the doors, entering the room that would from now on be his. It was big, bigger than any room he had ever lived in. It was open, big arches giving sight of the area around. Oddly enough, there was no glass in those arches, just curtains that Jim could pull closed. The furnishing of the room was.. spartan, at the best. A bed, a desk and a chair, a small wardroom to keep his clothes in. Nothing like the home he and Spock had made for themselves back on earth. Jim shook his head. He wasn't on earth, and he wasn't with Spock. He could live with this just fine.

He made his way into the bathroom, which was just as simple as the bedroom. A bathtub with a shower head attached to the wall so it could be used as a shower, a toilet, a sink and a couple of towels. Jim sighed, rubbing the back of his head. He was almost uncomfortable unpacking his things, adding a personal touch to the bland room. It wasn't until he had undressed and crawled into his bed that he noticed something sitting on the desk.

Jim rose once more, heading over to inspect the object that he had overseen before. Once he could make out what it was. A grin spread upon his face, and if happiness couldn't produce light, he would have been lighting up the entire room.

On the desk lay a book he knew all to well. The tales of Peter Rabbit.

It seemed he wasn't the only one that was still in love.

Morning came with an unbelievable wave of heat. Jim woke, already sweating into the sheets he had covered himself with during the night. He was craving water, his mouth dry, his skin slick with sweat. He needed to drink and shower. He sat up, whipping the sweat from his forehead when another smile appeared on his face.

A pitcher of water and a glass sat on his desk, probably a courtesy of Amanda. Jim was truly blessed with her support, and his appreciation for her grew even bigger than it had already been. He stood, not wasting time by pouring the water into the glass, but drinking it straight from the glass pitcher until his throat didn't feel perched any longer.

He then moved to the bathroom, taking his morning leak and shower. He was then faced with the question of what to wear. Wrapping a towel around his hip he moved to his wardrobe. He had packed fairly thin clothing, knowing just too well how much Vulcan's hated the smell of sweat. But he was already sweating again, with just a towel wrapped around his body, and he obviously couldn't go to the meeting naked. That would have caused an uproar, and maybe a heart attack for one certain Vulcan. Vulcan's didn't appreciate showing a lot of skin either, covering themselves carefully with robes, leaving only their face to be seen.

He looked at his clothes and decided that long sleeves were out of question. But he would have to stick with long pants. But there was no sense in covering up more and then sweating his ass off. He also decided to not wear underwear. The more fabric he was wearing, the hotter he would be.

So he quickly applied some deodorant, hoping that would ward off the worst, slipping into a think pair of cotton slacks and a black t-shirt. Just as he finished, someone knocked on the door.

"Come in." he called, quickly helping himself to more water, waiting for the door to open. To his big surprise, it was Spock who entered his room.

"Mother has requested your presence at the breakfast table."

"You look like she forced you to have breakfast. You're pouting." Jim answered, grinning at the Vulcan.

"I do not pout." Spock answered. "She sent me to escort you to the dining room. I would advise you to comply with her wish. Quickly."

"Yes you do. You totally pout. You get that cute little worry line between your eyebrows whenever you're upset. I'm ready to go, just lead the way. Oh wait, is this okay? Or will the Vulcan counsel hate me the second they see me like this?" Jim asked, still grinning wildly at the man he loved.

"..It is acceptable." Spock answered, motioning toward the door. Jim nodded, moving to stand close to Spock. When the Vulcan turned, Jim gently touched his shoulder.

"Thank you. For the book. It was very thoughtful of you to put something in my room that makes reminds me at home." he said quietly, ignoring the way the Vulcan flinched away from his touch. "I really appreciate it."

Spock turned to look down at the human. Jim could almost see the thoughts crossing the Vulcan's mind, his brain working to find an answer.

"You are.. welcome." he finally said, turning away from Jim once more, leaving the human with no other option then following him.

"Good morning, Jim." Amanda chimed as they entered the room. Jim had to hold back a laugh. The table was filled with food that came from earth, and a very uncomfortable looking Sarek sat next to his wife. "Come on, sit down boys, the food is getting cold!"

"Yes Ma'am." Jim said, still trying very hard to keep a straight face as he sat down next to Amanda, Spock claiming the only empty spot left between Jim and Sarek. "Thank You for the breakfast."

"Of course dear. You need a proper breakfast. After all you are going to meet the High Counsel in a little. You need your strength." she smiled, starting to serve herself to some food the second Jim had started doing so himself. "Sarek. Spock. Eat. You are being rude."

"I do not require any more strength for the meeting, Amanda. Eating when it is not required to keep up my nutrition is not logical." Sarek answered, avoiding eye contact with his wife. Once more Jim had to hold back a grin. Never in his life had he thought that Sarek would be afraid of anything, much less the wrath of his wife.

"His logic is sound, mother." Spock said, backing his father up further.

"Spock. Sarek. Eat your breakfast." came the cold reply. "I will not watch you disrespect the only human guest we have had here in over 15 years."

"Mother, I can only repeat-.." Spock's words were cut off my his mother standing, walking around to stand between her husband and son, starting to pile up food on their plates, all while being stared at in what would have been horror if the two men had been human.

"Eat." she commanded, sitting back down. Jim couldn't help it. The sight of Spock and Sarek staring at their plates is what had to be disbelieve made him chuckle, though he once more covered the offending sound up by faking a cough.

"Its the dry air..." he hastily explained as both Spock and Sarek looked at him. "Just gotta get used to it."

Spock nodded, slowly grabbing his fork to start his meal, Sarek following his son's lead only seconds later.

Jim smiled. Maybe this wasn't going to be as hard as he had thought. Now all he had to do was speak to the counsel, and get them to let them peek into things they considered holy.

..This was going to be every bit as hard as he had imagined.

Yay! First chapter of the sequel, up in fall as I promised. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Please leave a review and tell me what you think.

Yours faithfully,

Akikofuma