So this is my first TBBT fanfic and, idk, I hope it goes over well!
And I PROMISE that it gets less sad, just stick with it.
ALSO: I won't be able to update too frequently as this is not nearly close to completion so I'm be writing like a madman trying to keep up with my publishing.
DISCLAIMER: I do not in any way own the characters, they are sadly only CBS's characters
Chapter one:
Penny was not quite listening as the guys discussed their newest advances on their prototype, when she excused herself and whispered casually towards Amy that she was going to the bathroom.
With a quick pace and her head bent so she was looking at the floor she mentally kicked herself for being such and idiot. Why did she say that? Why was she so stupid.
After Howard and Leonard returned from their own restroom trip and while they were walking Leonard was knocked over by a burly man that hadn't even had the common courtesy to say 'sorry'. Of course, being the gentleman (which she so adored by the way) he was, he just sprang up and stride back to his seat.
Everyone at the table was snickering, including herself, but she wanted to be there for him. Yes, this was a small situation, but she wanted to be a good wife to the man that she loved. The man that made her feel happy and safe. Why couldn't she have extended him the same courtesy? She placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, and opened her mouth to say something. She was surprised at what came out and even more ashamed at what she meant to say to Leonard.
"You are such a wuss. I'd like to be with a man who knocks other guys down" she blurted, half joking, and hauntingly half serious. The group chuckled and Amy asked him if he was okay to which he replied a hollow, but sincere "I'm fine" with an empty smile that shattered Penny's heart to pieces.
He had appeared to move on when Howard began reasoning with him about how he had nothing to worry about, something about the military, she couldn't hear anymore. She'd gone into that foggy underwater state as she replayed what had just happened in her head. She called the only man she ever truly loved a wuss, and the worst part was that she meant to call him a pussy. Wives do not, under any circumstances, say that to husbands. God she was evil.
Now letting some tears sting her eyes, she opened the heavy bathroom door and slammed a stall shut.
Sitting on the toilet, head between her knees, she let her tears fall from their prison, releasing them for a short parole.
She was a bitch. A cold hearted, stoney bitch. Fuck. Why was she so demeaning towards him. She hated this part of her, and this mean Penny was uncontrollable. She would say anything.
She continued crying for a few more minutes, and when she was positive the coast was clear, she wiped her tears away with a paper towel and doused her face in cool water.
Once dried and with makeup reapplied, she walked back to her table. My god did wine sound good right about now. Maybe she could keep her damn mouth shut until they got home then that painstaking look in Leonard's eyes would die away.
As he pulled the keys out of the ignition he let out a sigh of mock achievement in successfully making the journey home. He looked over to see his lovely wife, only to find her staring straight ahead, seeming lost in thought. This was happening a lot, he recalled, but it wasn't too much of a bother to him. He had too much to think about. He scoffed quietly as he thought that ironically thinking may just tear him apart.
Penny looked swiftly at Leonard, and he only smiled and invited her to go up to their apartment. The walk to apartment 4b was rather fast, but they still had time to chit chat.
"So, that was fun," Leonard offered hopefully.
"Yeah, we should go out more often. Maybe even alone," she trailed …"like we used to."
Like they used to. That hurt. It felt like a rock was thrown to his gut. Of course he blamed himself. He was so wrapped up in himself that he was depriving his wife of a good relationship. A good marriage.
At the same time, as the exact same seconds elapsed, Penny was thinking practically the same thing. She pushed him away. It was all her fault.
Two people stuck in the same marriage, both blaming themselves.
As they entered the room, Sheldon was cleaning up piles of toast. Strange, Leonard thought, but dismissed the outlandish behavior. He was used to it.
Penny went straight to the couch and plopped down, settling into the plush cushions. She opened her phone and appeared to be extremely engaged in whatever she was looking at.
Good, he thought. She was occupied. But unfortunately this left a massive window of time for his mind to wander. To shout. To whisper. To insult.
He sat down at his desk, as the thoughts began.
…You don't deserve this job, you aren't smart anymore, you never were smart, you are so ugly how can people even look at you? You are talentless and scum. Penny hates you. You don't mean a damn to her. You aren't even satisfactory in bed, she deserves so much better. You're a selfish, egotistical little man. You have no point. You don't fit into any equation. You don't matter. Nobody needs you. No body wants you. Your a fucking waste of space. You steal the breath of worthy people. You're better off dead…
Nope. He couldn't do this again. He was trying to focus on setting up physics experiment to test his new prototype god damn it. He felt surrounded by the thoughts, the sadness, the truth of his statements. Leonard Hofstadter deserved nothing. He was nothing.
Without waiting for anymore tantalizing swirls of insults to engulf him, he swiftly made his way to the bathroom. His breath was shaky when he sad down on the closed lid of the toilet.
He brought the palms of his hands to his forehead so that the bottom of his hands cradled his brow bone. How long had he been living like this?
He could never remembered a time that wasn't like this. But if he thought really, really hard about it, once making the acquaintance of Penny and beginning their on-again off-again relationship, better memories could come into focus.
The time they went roller skating and he kept falling on his but and she couldn't help but guffaw at the silliness of the entire situation. It felt like he was in high school again, only this time he had the pretty, sweet girl that all the guys wanted, and she actually wanted him too.
But that was six whole years ago. He had only gotten more idiotic and undesirable since then.
Right know he was to overcome to care about the good. Why was he like this? What did he bring to the world? A big fat pile nothing. Did he really need to wake up tomorrow? Did he really want to wake up tomorrow?
With that he couldn't help but turn himself around, brace himself, and smack his head on the cool porcelain of his toilet lid.
It wasn't incredibly loud, but Penny thought she heard a muffled sound coming from the back of the apartment. She went to see if it was Leonard. He left to go to the bathroom some time ago and he wasn't back yet. That was sort of weird.
"Hey you okay?"
His bout of sadness was interrupted by the voice of his wife.
"You've been in there a while," she tried again. He flushed the toilet and turned the faucet on.
"I'm good, just getting ready for bed," he finally replied.
"Okay…" she said tentatively. She was weirded out. What the hell was he doing in there. It had been like fifteen minutes. Maybe he just got caught up on is phone? No, his phone was in the kitchen. She attempted to shake it off. Maybe it was a book fallen from a shelf in the bedroom.
Oh god. A heavy weight sunk to her stomach. It was her fault. He wasn't okay. Her breath was stuck in her throat. She let a surprise tear fall. This couldn't be happening.
She entered Leonard's bedroom and got ready herself as he finally came in. She gave him a quick kiss and a hug as he began to float in and out of the room.
She asked him how is day was, and he gave a small attempt at describing the details. He was okay. At least for now. They were together. She could breath again.
When they both crawled under the warm covers she started a deep and passionate kiss which he gladly returned. Soon they were intertwined in a lovely ecstasy. Even after the night they had, the pair ended it in a desirable way.
But they both couldn't help but realize how troubled they felt inside their minds.