A/N I am aware I should be updating Scent of Hope and I do have the next chapter of that almost ready. I just got a bit blocked on that one and this story has been knocking on the inside of my skull. So i thought I'd write the bugger and get it out of the way. It's pretty much finished so updates on this will come thick and fast
She stumbles blindly through the days, a feeling of constant shivering, like flu, prickling over he body. She practices iron hard self control, tells Stefan that any chance for them is gone, she has nothing now but her control and love, love is losing control.
It is a hollow sort of victory over the beast she is, as emotionless in its own way as she was before. Is this what she has become now? A hardened shell of herself, of the daughter her mother had loved so much.
She can do this she tells herself. She's strong.
"You're strong, you're beautiful, you're full of light" his words come back to her, his voice preserved perfectly in the amber of her mind, like the mosquito, beautiful and ancient and gone.
Gone and lost to the past, like her light. Where is that now?
She mustn't think of him, must shut him out as she has shut out Stefan. It should be so much easier, she has love for Stefan, a friendship that has sustained them both since the day she turned, a hope of something more that she has quashed despite her mother's whispered wish.
But it is he that invades, persistent and intrusive as always. "I enjoy you"
Would he enjoy her now? With her light dimmed, tainted by the darkness she released, the darkness held in check now only by her ever stubborn will.
She wonders if she would she enjoy him too now she is so darkened, and scolds her self for such dishonesty, she has always enjoyed him. She thinks back to a time when it was Elena who's switch had been flipped. "All those dirty thoughts you have about Klaus" she will never forget that sneering jibe from the pretty mouth of the kindest person she's ever met.
How right Elena had been, how hard she'd had to battle every day with those filthy tempting thoughts of him. His lips had always starred she can still picture perfectly the way he pursed them when he was angry or amused, so sexy, so expressive.
She'd told herself a thousand times she was indifferent to his body, he wasn't nearly as well built as Matt or Tyler. He, after all, could never be mistaken for a quarter back. And yet, oh God and yet, the way he moved, the lean lines of him, sinewy and predatory, had always made it nearly impossible to draw her eyes away from his slight frame.
But it had been his eyes, his ever changing, angry, playful, wounded eyes that she could never quite shake from her thoughts. True they hadn't Damon's stunning blueness, or Stefan's soulful depths but he could use those murky blue green eyes to devastating effect.
The way he'd rolled them or flashed then up in annoyance. The way they twinkled and teased and moved over her with unabashed desire. The way they'd sometimes filled with water just enough to hint at the humanity she'd always been searching for in him.
"This is because of Klaus, because I saw the good in Klaus" she remembers how she'd snapped when she'd finally had enough of Tyler judging her tryst with Klaus in the forest.
To this day she still doesn't know what possessed her. She can't believe she's going there again, now when it shouldn't matter at all. But her mind is spiraling away, out of control, towards that day again.
She'd thrown herself into his arms and what had been her excuse. "He was there and he obviously wanted to kiss me". She's actually glad in retrospect that had been Katherine she'd been peddling that crap too rather than her own dear friend.
It hadn't been that, it had ben the opportunity she'd been waiting for since the moment she'd realized he wanted her. "and I will never come back, I promise" his lips had twitched into a tiny smile and she'd taken that promise as all the excuse she needed to finally get a taste of the forbidden
And hadn't it been everything she'd ever fantasised? A filthy fantastic revelation, his eyes had glinted as he'd pushed her up against the tree and literally ripped off her clothes. He'd been a man on a mission. A mission to make that one time count, to make sure that even an immortal like her would never forget it.
She never will. She will always carry every touch, every look, every word with her from that day.
"I want your confession"
"…the darkest parts of yourself that care for me"
She hits pause on spiraling recollection
"Because I saw the good in Klaus"
"the darkest parts of yourself"
She gets in her car and she drives