The Flower We Saw That Day
Hi~ I'm back again. (I understand how that's probably not welcome news to anyone…) This story will draw heavy inspiration from AnoHana (duh…) and Kimi no Na wa.. And, it's going to have an actual plot, unlike anything I've ever written on this website before. (Don't worry, there are no spoilers for AnoHana or Kimi no Na wa..) So without further ado~
Prologue:
桜の花びらが舞う中で
Among the dancing cherry blossoms
[Suggested soundtrack: Jesper Kyd – Ezio's Family]
Kousei stepped down the step, the school bell chiming behind him. The noise of the students scurrying about, hurrying to get to class while also trying to tie up their every-day-the-same conversations about sports or video games or anime and getting yelled at by teachers at the end of their patience, was loud behind him, but he ignored it in a way that seemed almost pointed but really wasn't as he watched the car zoom by before he crossed the road.
Perhaps a little nervousness was warranted, since he was walking away from class through the front door of the school, and he did feel some of that when he skipped like this for the first time, but at this point he knew no one was paying attention to the door to notice anyone walking out.
It wasn't the best habit to fall into, he knew. He was a third year in high school now, seventeen years old, and could not afford to skip as frequently as he could in junior high. He understood that, and made an actual effort to keep up with his studies, even though he knew his interests did not lie in science or technology or engineering or math or anything in that ballpark, but he still had to study music if he wanted to excel. It was just…
School was no longer visible behind him. He slipped into the woods in the middle of town, and at the sight of the trees he felt his heart catch.
That. That was the reason.
The cherry blossoms flew in the wind, uncaring and unknowing and unfeeling, their dance almost an invitation, a taunt, like a tease, a flaunt, a fleeting kiss with the taste of alcohol and a smile with a farewell and a promise with no hint of a return. He took a breath. Three years. Three years and he was still the same. There was no way he could focus in class in this season, in this month.
April.
He still remembered.
I still remember
今でもまだ忘れていない、
Your lie in April.
四月は君の嘘。
He blinked, coming back to himself. With a breath that felt like he hadn't breathed in a couple seconds, he realized he was standing still among the cherry blossoms. His chest constricting, he pulled himself out of his trance and released the breath. A shiver seemed to run through him.
He looked up, and suddenly there was a gust of wind, and although his hair wasn't long, it constructed his vision for a second. His hand flew to his chest as if to steady himself and he seemed to sway, as if he were standing on the deck of a ship during a storm or standing on top of an airplane, his heart soaring, then dipping, then rising up into the air again, and he closed his eyes and took a breath, almost fooling himself into believing he was flying among the cherry blossoms for a moment. But then the wind was gone and he was standing alone in the woods with the sakura petals dancing around him, as fickle and treacherous as ever.
It's just the wind.
So why his heart had suddenly begun to beat so fast? he did not know.
Closing his head and taking another breath, deeper but not held for quite so long, he began to walk forward. His heart was still beating faster than usual. He took steady breaths, equal in length, inhale and exhale, trying to calm himself. Why he needed to calm himself he did not know, and that perhaps contributed to the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that something was going on, or otherwise was going to happen.
[Suggested soundtrack: Jesper Kyd – Ezio's Family and Venice Rooftops]
Perhaps it was because of the upcoming recital next week. He knew all the other musicians who would be playing, and two of them, Takeshi and Emi, he was good friends with. He'd played at the venue dozens of times, and at this point he could practically recognize half the audience. Going up on stage to play had once been a frightening undertaking, but over the last three years that had slowly changed, until, almost without his realizing, he found that the stage was home and the peace losing himself in his art brought was unmatched by anything else. It felt liberating now, like he were riding the waves of the ocean to an island infinitely far away, and he could forget himself, become one with the music, lose everything except the ardor that still burned inside his heart for love lost. Very rarely did he really feel nervous about performing anymore. So perhaps it was because of the recital, but somehow in his heart he doubted it.
The sun was high in the air. He'd gone to the first few classes. It was important at this stage of his high school career to study, he knew, so he went to class after skipping yesterday. For a few hours he sat in his seat, taking notes, trying his best to listen to the teacher, but every few minutes he'd find himself staring silently at the cherry blossoms outside. He'd shake himself from his reverie and try to study again, but around noon he realized it was no use. He couldn't focus.
He wasn't really thinking about where his legs took him, but looking around he wasn't surprised to see that playground in that clearing. Even now, years after he met her among these same trees, it made his breath catch in his throat, and for a second he could almost delude himself into thinking she was standing on top of that structure, barefooted, her eyes closed, her hair in a ponytail, looking as beautiful and perfect and comfortable as if the entire world had been created as a plaything for her, and as delicate and fragile as her life turned out to be, and the urge to take that world and lay it at her feet overtook him. For a second he stared at the clearing, his vision glazing over as he remembered her gentle smile and her wild disposition, every bit as treacherous as the cherry blossoms, but then he shook his head and her afterimage was gone.
Feeling suddenly like there was a huge weight pressing down upon his shoulders, or something had otherwise drained all the energy from his body so he was exhausted, he collapsed down upon the ground, the fall knocking the wind out of him. Weary... So weary... Feeling like he'd just finished running a marathon, he pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs, and, closing his eyes, rested his forehead upon his knees and took a deep breath.
...
"Yo."
A chill ran down his entire body, freezing him in place as if he'd suddenly been dipped into a lake of icy water, and suddenly he felt time stop, every leaf suspended in the air as if the entire world were holding its breath. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up, and the breath he was taking solidified until it was stuck halfway between his lungs and the outside world, because time had stopped. He couldn't be hearing her. He couldn't be. He couldn't he couldn't he couldn't. She was dead. Gone. Dead. Buried.
It tore at his heart.
[Suggested soundtrack: Galileo Galilei – Aoi Shiori (TV-size version)]
The temperature around him seemed to drop by several degrees, as if global warming had grown tired of its battle against the humans who cared about the planet and decided to give up, and instead dragged the world into another ice age. His skin tingled like there was cold water dripping down his back. He dared not look up. He dared not look up. But he had to. Moving as though time itself were staring in nervousness, aware of every beat of his heart as it thundered inside his chest like a bell in a kabuki theater, each beat sending ripples of cold and pain through his body as if each beat were a rock dropped into a pond until he was hyper aware of every single sensation in his skin – his clothes, the tree trunk against his back, the grass beneath him, the sun overhead – he raised his head.
Brilliant, beautiful blonde, far outshining the sun overhead. She stood there, bent down to look into his eyes, her hands on her knees. He took a breath and it shook ragged like the edges of shattered glass, like no water had passed through his throat in years, and for a moment he saw in his mind the image of himself sitting haggard and lost at the side of the road, and he saw his world lighting up in color as the hand of a goddess stretched out to take his. He stared at the girl among the dancing cherry blossoms. She smiled.
"Kaori."
This chapter was really slow going. I just wanted to kinda set the tone for the fic, because this is going to be a massive undertaking. I'm expecting this to be long. Like, really long. Hopefully I can keep up. I don't know if I should even undertake such an endeavor right now, but whatever – it's therapeutic and I like doing it. The next chapter is an interlude and is just a monologue, but the one after that will get into the plot and characters and the prose will get clearer and less pretentious (hopefully). Give it a follow if you're interested!
This is a story where I really want to stay true to the characters. It's something I've been praised for doing in the past, but I took (entirely too?) many liberties with Five Stages of Grief. I wanted to explore depression and SI, and it turned almost into literary fiction. Don't get me wrong – I LOVE Five Stages of Grief; I think it's the best fanfiction I've ever written. I really put my all into it. But this time I want to go for something different, something less dark, something that doesn't involve quite so much insanity. Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso is pretty fairytale in its portrayal of romance, and Five Stages of Grief was way too real with how I wrote depression. But depression is so much fun to write. Never really explored it before the way I did in Five Stages of Grief.
AH, I'M RAMBLING. Shouldn't do that in public. Ahem. Thank you for reading.
There might be typos (even though I proofread it once) since the person who generously agreed to be my beta is at school right now. (Thank you for agreeing to proofread if you get the time, by the way.)
Anyway, this is kind of like Take a Step in the fact that it's multi-chaptered, except that I had that almost pretty much complete before I published the first chapter. As for this... I have two chapters outlined and a later scene I found sweet written down, so I don't think I'm even ten percent done. So let's see where this goes?
よろしくね！