There are things I regret. A lot of things, actually. I generally try not to think about most of them too much. Too easy to get lost down that rabbit hole.
There's one that I can't get out of mind, though. I've played it in my head so many times in so many ways that I'm only kinda sure which parts are real anymore.
The one thing that I know with absolute certainty was real was that we both knew in that moment - unquestionably, absolutely, never-more-sure-of-anything-in-our-lives certain - that we felt the same way about each other. I am not a guy who is used to certainty. There's not much of it in my daily life.
There was a damn lot of certainty in that moment, though. But that's not what I regret. In fact, that is one of the things I'm pretty sure I will never regret. I'd be an even bigger idiot than I already know I am if I could regret being loved like that by the most brilliant woman in the universe.
No, what I regret is ignoring that certainty in that moment. What I regret is not acting on it. Every single cell in my body was screaming for me to touch her. My arms were itching to grab her and pull her towards me. I ached to feel the length of her body stretched against me, to taste her lips with mine and bury my fingers in her hair.
And I didn't. I stepped right up to her - closer than I had stepped to anyone since Sarah. So close that I could feel the heat from her body. But I didn't touch her. I followed the goddamned rules.
But I know without a shadow of doubt that if I had kissed her like I wanted to in that moment she would have kissed me back. She would have welcomed my touch, reciprocated it. And I know she can match me toe to toe in everything else, so what I would have given to experience that with a kiss. Or more. Nope. Stop that. Can't think about that and stay sane.
And that's why this is a regret I can never forget. Honestly, I'm not sure that I wanted to. It has become one of my favorite daydreams. The kiss. I can't let myself go past that. I'd get lost and then I'd be screwed.
So we agreed to leave that moment in that room forever. To act like it never fucking happened. And that was what we had to do. For our careers, for our safety, even for the safety of the goddamned planet. But sometimes I wonder if saving the planet has been worth not getting to kiss her. It's a close call. Closer than I would admit out loud.
The thing is, much as I regret not kissing Major Samantha Carter, I know that if I had kissed her then we probably would have regretted it later. Planets need saving and she's the only one who can do it most of the time. So, yeah, we definitely would have regretted it.
But only a little.