Author Notes: Hello! I'm back! I had so little time to write, apparently, while I was away. I have had such a wonderful break, I met one of my favourite people in the world and it was everything. Now I'm back and feeling a little sad, because my heart is still in Australia with my second family. But I'm going to try and get some writing done soon.
I had written most of this before I left as a request by arkhamknight83, but it needed some editing. It was an interesting challenge. Unfortunately, for anyone wanting cheering up after the election result (I am so sorry) this story will not be something that will do that, but look out for a story by sipsmeg hopefully being posted this week for happier/smuttierness ;)
The trees rustled outside the window. Long, thin branches tapped the windowpane like fingers knocking. Jane lay in bed, her heart pounding. She opened her eyes, pulled from the frightening images that danced through her sleepy mind. A bell chimed.
"You look tired."
She turned onto her side. Maura stared at her, her grey and blue dress barely creased. Jane stared at her up and down momentarily.
"Am I dreaming?"
"No," Maura said.
"Why you wearing that?"
"Why wouldn't I be wearing it?"
"I dunno." She inched forward. "You're in bed. My bed."
"Do you have a problem with that?"
"That you're wearing a dress, or that you're in my bed?"
"Either, both."
Fractured emotions shattered any sense of resolve that she'd maintained. Jane reached her fingers out and cupped Maura's cheek. Her heart ached. Each breath felt like a vice around her lungs, as she trailed her fingers across her skin.
"I don't know." Jane sighed. "I should have told you."
"Told me what?"
She shook her head, dropping her hand back down to the pillow beneath Maura's head. She closed her eyes and rolled onto her other side. She tucked her fingers under the edge of the pillow and cradled her head.
"Doesn't matter."
As she drifted back into a slumber, she could feel Maura's hand around her shoulder.
x
"What're you doing here?" Jane asked, closing the apartment door behind her mother.
"I wanted to check on you."
"I'm fine."
She trundled across the apartment. Her plate of toast had gone cold. She slouched into the chair and proceeded to eat it anyway.
"That's not breakfast," Angela said.
"It'll do."
Like Jane hadn't even spoken, Angela opened the fridge and pulled out several ingredients, then took a packet of eggs from her purse. Jane chewed the barely toasted bread until she could swallow.
"Don't do that," she said, walking over.
It was too late. Angela had already started on an omelette and there was nothing she could do about it. She picked up a slice of cheese and tossed it into her mouth.
"You smell." Angela elbowed her in the side until she stepped back. "Go shower."
In the bedroom she stripped down to her underwear. She stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her hair hung limp around her shoulders, like her usually bouncing locks were carrying an extra layer of grease.
"You've lost weight."
"Shit, Maura," Jane said, resting a hand across her heart and turning at the sound of her voice.
Maura perched on the end of the bed, her grey and blue dress smoothed across her thigh. Her hair was freshly coiffured and her nails, resting against her crossed knees, were coated in a pale blue paint.
"Don't do that."
"I'm sorry." Maura stood up and walked toward her. Jane stared at her hands as she tucked them around her middle. "You don't look very well."
"I'm fine."
"If you don't eat, you won't receive the sustenance required to carry out simple daily tasks."
"I had toast."
She folded her arms. "Some things never change."
Wrapping her arms tightly around her stomach, Jane felt self-conscious. She stared at her pale skin, absent of sunlight after a harsh winter. She lifted her palms up to her breasts and molded the fabric against her body.
"You need to shower."
"I know," Jane said. She continued playing with the fabric of her bra. She turned to the side and ran her hands underneath, cupping her breasts. "I will."
"What are you doing?"
"What does it look like I'm doing?"
Maura narrowed her eyes. "It looks like you're caressing yourself."
"I don't caress." Jane tugged at the waistband of her panties and readjusted them. "I'm adjusting my underwear."
"Why?"
"Why not?"
"Do you remember what day it is?"
Searching her brain, she knew the day had some significance but couldn't find the memory she needed. She stared at her face, at the red blotched skin on her cheeks. She stared at Maura's reflection, then turned to face her.
"I'm standing right here," Maura said, narrowing her eyes.
"And?"
"You've not told me about your feelings yet."
"What feelings?"
"The feelings you have about me."
"How do you know I have feelings about you?"
"The same way I know that your mother is out there making you an omelette, and you might go into the office today, but you probably shouldn't."
"Did I tell you?"
"You don't need to tell me."
"I don't understand."
"Maybe it's better that you don't, at least not yet."
"I'm gonna go shower."
x
She walked up the front steps of Boston Police Department, Angela hot on her tail like a toddler chasing after their older sibling. Jane batted her hand away as she reached out to her shoulder. She spun round, her eyes bore down on her mother, fire burned beneath the surface.
"Would you go to work, or something?"
"The bar's closed today, remember?"
"Go read a book, or walk around the streets," Jane said, stamping her foot against the concrete. "Or whatever it is you do with your time when you're not bothering me."
"I'm sorry for caring," Angela said. She swiped the back of her hand against her cheek. "It's only been a few days...I don't know what to do with you."
"How about you back off?"
She marched into the building. Only when she reached the elevator door did she risk turning around. Her mother had vanished. The doors opened and she climbed into the elevator.
"You shouldn't be so harsh," Maura said.
The doors closed. Jane sighed, her hand against her chest. She spun round, her eyes fixed on Maura. "Stop doing that."
"Somebody's angry."
"I'm not angry," she shouted, then lowered her voice. "I'm sick of everyone tiptoeing around me like I'm gonna break if they don't force feed me, or give me tasks to keep busy."
"They care about you, Jane."
"I wish they'd care a little less obviously."
"Today is hard for everyone."
The elevator chimed, and the doors opened. Jane stared out across the corridor, and through to the office. Korsak sat at his desk, rubbing his face. Frankie leaned back in his seat, the light glistened across his eyes. She reached for the button and pressed down.
"I thought you came to see Korsak," Maura said.
"Changed my mind," Jane said.
She watched the numbers descend until the doors opened again. She stepped out and walked across to the office. In the doorway, Maura's desk sat empty. She hovered by the door, her eyes fixed on the furnishings like they were alien for the first time.
Maura's breath tickled her ear. "You shouldn't be here."
"Why not?"
Another bell chimed.
Her eyes landed on the chair. On the blood splatter across the back of the room. She gripped the wood, her fingernails holding her up as her knees failed. She stumbled forward, breaking the police tape.
"It looks worse than it was." Maura crouched beside her. "There wouldn't have been any pain."
"I don't understand," Jane said, turning around. "What happened?"
"You know what happened."
Footsteps approached. A hand slipped around her waist and pulled her back to her feet. She stared into Kent's eyes, so unfamiliar to her. He tried to smile but it barely reached the corners of his mouth.
"Where are we going?" she asked, turning round. Maura had gone.
"This isn't a good place for you," he said, pushing her through a door and into a small room. "Why aren't you at home getting ready?"
"Why aren't you?"
He lowered his head, swallowing slowly. "Somebody needed to keep things ticking over."
"Where did Maura go?"
His face paled, his eyes bugged. "What did you say?"
"Doesn't matter."
She shrugged his hands away and marched for the door. She headed back up to the lobby where Angela sat on a chair, a mug of coffee in her hands, and tears streaming down her cheeks.
"What's wrong with you?" Jane asked.
"That's an insensitive question," she said, frowning. "You know what's wrong."
Jane shrugged and headed for the door. Angela followed close behind, the coffee abandoned. "Didn't we have somewhere to be?"
"Your clothes are laid out at your apartment."
"Let's go then."
x
She straightened out the black dress. The fabric swirled around as she moved, making her feel more feminine than she ever cared to. It felt comfortable, at least. She slipped her feet into the black loafers her mother had brought. They rubbed at the side but she didn't complain.
"You look beautiful."
Jane grimaced, her eyes still fixed on her reflection in the mirror. She sighed and turned. "What did I say?"
"I didn't know how else to get your attention," Maura said, her lips curved at the corners.
"Is that what you're wearing?" She looked her up and down once more, the grey and blue dress was not quite fitting for the occasion. "Even I know you'll stand out."
"I don't think anybody will notice."
"Why not?"
"You know why not."
"No, I don't."
"Jane, you really aren't that obtuse."
x
The aisle of the chapel was covered in white flowers, row after row. Jane avoided approaching the open coffin at the front of the room. She didn't know how she'd ever take that step. She sat down at the end of a row near the front. Familiar faces smiled at her, sympathetic smiles, painful smiles. She forced her lips to curve as she returned the favour.
"You should go up there," Angela said, clutching her hand. Jane shook her head.
"You should."
She turned to her other side, where Maura sat in her grey and blue dress. Her hair hung loose, unlike the tightly formed bun her mother had insisted Jane wear.
"I don't want to."
"It's not as frightening as you might think," Maura said.
"It is."
"What is?" Angela asked.
"Doesn't matter."
"I'm going to go up."
Maura's hand tucked into her palm. Angela walked up the aisle away from them. Her heart beat faster against her rib cage. Jane stood up and followed her up to the front, with Maura close behind.
"How is that possible?" she asked, glancing at Maura.
"You know how it's possible."
When Angela stepped aside, allowing Jane space in front of the coffin, Maura stepped up beside her and ran her fingers across the face inside. Jane stared from Maura's face beside her, to Maura's lifeless face inside the final resting place of her body.
"But you're here."
"What was that?" Angela asked.
"Nothing, Ma." She turned to Maura. "How can you be here?"
Angela narrowed her eyes. "How can who be here?"
"I'm not talking to you, Ma," she snapped, turning back to Maura. "Are you real?"
"I'm as real as I can be."
"What does that even mean?"
Grasping her elbow, Angela tugged Jane away from the coffin. "What are you talking about?"
"Nothing."
"You know what it means," Maura said.
"I don't know what any of this means." She shrugged her mother's hand away and headed back to her seat.
Angela sat down beside her and wrapped her arms around Jane's. "I don't think any of us do."
"Are you alive?" she asked, as Maura sat back down beside her.
Pulling away again, Angela watched for a moment as Jane continued talking.
"If you're alive, then you'll be able to tell me what immunogoblin A is."
Maura pursed her lips. "That's not its name."
"I know. What is its name?"
"I can't answer that."
"If you're Maura, you should be able to."
"Jane." Angela reached for her arm again. "Who are talking to?"
She brushed her hand away and ignored her. Maura tilted her head to one side. "You're mistaken. I'm not Maura, the Maura you knew. I'm the Maura in your mind. I only know what you know. If you don't remember the word, then I can't either."
She cupped her own head and stared down at the chair in front. "Am I going mad?"
"Jane, you're making a scene," Angela said, stroking her back.
"I'm going crazy, I can't." The pace of her breath quickened, her heart raced. She stood up. "I have to go."
"Go where?" Angela stood beside her. "Jane, the service is about to start. You don't want to miss out on saying goodbye to Maura."
"I thought you were real," she said, gasping for air.
Maura sat beneath her, her lips curved in sympathy. "You weren't ready to understand."
"Am I ready now?"
Eyes landed on her, one after another, until the whole room was staring at her. She glanced across the group of people, some she knew, some she'd never even met before. She could see Maura's face in the coffin a few feet away. She turned to Maura beside her.
"Why are you here?"
"I don't know."
Jane stamped her foot against the floor. "But you should know."
"Jane, please," Angela said, wrapping her arms around her. She pushed her away so hard that she stumbled back against the chairs.
Frankie rushed to their side. "What's going on? Everybody's staring."
"I don't know," Angela said. "Jane keeps talking to herself."
"I'm not talking to myself," she said. "I'm talking to Maura."
Angela's eyes filled with tears as she shook her head. She reached out and cupped Jane's cheeks. "Maura's not here, Janie, she died."
"No, she's here." Jane grasped Maura's hand and held it up in front of her. Staring into her mother's eyes. "She's right here."
"Where?"
Jane looked back down to the fingers in her hand. They were gone. She turned around but Maura wasn't there.
"She's gone. She'll be back."
"She's not going to be back, Janie."
"We should leave," Frankie said, guiding Angela out from the row of seats. She stepped aside and Frankie gripped Jane's elbow, pulling her away. "It's gonna be okay, Jane."
"No, I can't go," she said, tears streaming down her face. "I have to be here. She won't know where to find me if I leave."
"You do," Maura said, appearing behind Frankie.
"See," Jane said. "Maura says I have to be here. Listen to her."
Frankie turned around and glanced in the direction Jane was looking. "There's nobody there, Jane. If you're seeing Maura, it's not her."
"Yes, it is."
"Technically," Maura said. "It's not. I'm inside your head. They can't see me, they don't know I'm here, because I'm not here."
"You are."
"Frankie, what's happening?" Angela asked. "Why does she keep doing that?"
"I don't know, Ma. I guess it's the stress of losing Maura." He wrapped his hand around Jane's back. "Let's go."
"No."
"Jane."
"I said no."
"Okay," he said, leading her across to some chairs at the back of the room. "Then let's sit over here. That way, if we need to leave, we can."
x
By the end of the service, Jane's heart ached. She sat back in her seat, her face red raw with fresh tears. She clung to the hand on her left, to Maura. Frankie drove them across town to the Dirty Robber. She sat in a booth, nursing a bottle of beer, and listening to people talk about Maura. She clutched her fingers beside her, felt the comfort of her presence.
"I won't let you go," she said, reaching out and cupping her face. "I never got you tell you how much I love you."
"Jane," Frankie said, resting a hand across the table to her wrist. "Janie, I don't think you're okay."
"As long as she's here, I'm fine."
"But she's not here," he said. "She's never been here. Not since the shooting."
"Yes, she is."
"No." He gripped her wrist. "Do you remember? The man, the one who thought Maura was responsible for his wife's death. He got into the Police Department. He shot her."
"No." Jane shook her head. She covered her ears with her hands. "No. No."
Angela placed a glass of champagne on the table and stared at Frankie. "What happened?"
"She's started talking to her again."
"We've tried to understand, Janie," Angela said, slouching into her seat opposite Jane. "But we can't. People are still looking. There's nobody there."
"Maybe I should call an ambulance," Frankie said, stepping out from the booth and reaching for his cell.
"Is that necessary?" Angela asked.
"I don't know what else to do."
Maura lifted her hand up against her shoulder. Jane lowered her hands and reached across. She wrapped both hands around Maura's and smiled. "Tell them you're okay."
"I can't do that, Jane. You know I can't."
"Don't say that," she said, shaking her head.
"What's going on?" Korsak asked, approaching the table.
"You can see her, can't you," Jane said, standing up and gripping Korsak's blazer.
He narrowed his eyes and stepped back. "What are you talking about? What is she talking about?"
"Maura." Jane stared into his eyes, desperation spread across them. "She's here. You can see her, can't you?"
His eyes softened. He sighed. He forged a smile and glanced around behind Jane. "She's not here Jane. Do you remember what happened? She died. She was shot. You tried to save her, but it was too late. She was already gone."
"No." She shook her head, her hands dropped from his lapels. She turned to face Maura, but she'd gone again. She spun around, searching the crowd. She walked, frantic, through the mourners to the bar, then toward the door, and back again. "Where did she go?"
"She's not here, Janie," Angela said. "She's never been here."
"Jane, come and sit down," Korsak said, resting a hand against her back.
"No." She threw her hand back, screaming as she pushed Korsak away. "Get off me."
The room went silent. Frankie returned to the table with two emergency medical technicians. All eyes were fixed on the scene as it unfolded.
"Janie," Frankie said. "It's time to go."
"Not until I find Maura," she said, walking towards Frankie. She stopped as one of the EMTs stood in front of her, the other moved around to her other side. "Who are you?"
"It's okay, Jane, we're going to take you to find Maura." He rested a hand on her shoulder. "Is that okay with you?"
She nodded, allowing him to guide her across the room. "Do you know where she is?"
"We're not sure, but we'll help you look."
x
"Jane," a man said, staring up at her from his position on a chair. She sat up a little straighter, her legs outstretched on a bed. "Is Maura here with you now?"
She searched the room, frantic, until her eyes landed on Maura. She grinned. "Yes. Come closer."
"Jane," he said, gripping her hand. "My name is Doctor Melvin Hoggs, I'm a psychiatrist. I'm here to help you."
"Help me?"
"You've suffered a loss far greater than many of us could possibly imagine."
"No," she said, reaching for Maura's hand. "Maura's not dead."
"But I am," Maura said, letting go of her hand. "You tried to save me. But he was too fast. He killed me before you even got down to my office."
"No," she shouted."
"No?" He smiled. "Is Maura talking to you?"
"I died instantly." Maura perched on the edge of the bed beside her, cradling her in her arms. Jane leaned close. "It didn't hurt. It pierced one of the nerves that killed me within seconds. I don't know its name. Or rather, you don't. But I died in my office, doing the work that I loved."
"You didn't. You're here."
"Jane, I need you to listen to me, talk to me," Doctor Hoggs said.
"You didn't die," she said, curling her legs up tightly against her chest. "You're still here. You didn't die. You're still here."
"Aimee, can we get a sedation for Miss Rizzoli?"
"You didn't die. You didn't. You're not dead."
"Sedation?" Angela asked, her face red and puffy. "Is that necessary?"
"You're here, tell them you're here."
"She's refusing to acknowledge me, Angela. There's nothing more I can do right now, until she calms down."
"Tell them, Maura."
"I can't."
Two sets of arms held her steady. Jane wriggled against them, screaming until the needle pierced her skin and she felt light. She closed her eyes, and opened them again.
"She's gone," she whispered, searching the faces in front of her. "What did you do?"
"I'm sorry, Jane," Doctor Hoggs said. "But Maura isn't there, the sooner you acknowledge that, the sooner you can work through your grief."
"But, I," her voice drifted off, the words dissipated into the fog in her brain. "I love you, Maura. I love you."
"Is she gonna be okay?" Angela asked, squeezing her shoulder.
"I think so," Doctor Hoggs said. "She needs time, and support. Hallucinations can be a normal part of grieving, but I'm not sure she can get through it alone."
The End