I realised that (a) I have not written a Mortal Instruments fic in waaaay too long, and (b) that I have never really written a fic with Alec taking a central role in it. So ehh... tah dah! A little oneshot I thought up a few hours ago... I'm not sure if I like it or not yet... And please remember that the thoughts expressed here are not my own views, but what I believe Alec's are. Don't be put off by his thoughts at the beginning, he will see the light lol
Also, I have not read City of Glass (not out in Ireland until July *sob*) so if there are any contradictions etc I am sorry, and don't tell me what they are!! =P
Disclaimer- I own nothing, it all belongs to Cassandra Clare.
Alec Lightwood knew that life was not easy. He knew all too well that life could be hard, unjust and difficult- but he also knew that there were some things that made life wonderful, illuminated and entirely enjoyable. Alec had experienced both sides of life, not always in equal measures. Then again, perhaps equality was just a dream? It seemed to him that no matter how much was done to strive for equality, it always remained distant and unattainable. Take the Accords for example, the Downworlders and Shadowhunters were still not truly at peace, neither were the Mundies. And neither, was Alec Lightwood.
Alec knew that he was not equal to others. He knew that he was not the same. Often, he thought that equality and normalcy were nothing but distant dreams for him too. Alec had often wondered what would happen if ever the truth were to come out.
"Come out," what a cutting phrase. Deep down, Alec knew that if he were ever to do what that particular phrase suggested, he would never be equal. He would be cut off from his friends, from his family… from Isabelle and Max, from his parents… from Jace. And Alec would be damned if he let that happened.
Sometimes Alec imagined what would happen if they found out. It was all too easy for him to imagine the looks adorning their faces- disgust, shock, horror, hatred perhaps. His parents would be heartbroken. Alec knew that his parents loved him deeply, but he also knew that his father was a Shadowhunter through and through; and his mother could be very… strict, set in her ways, cold?… he couldn't find the words but he knew how she would react. He doubted she would understand or accept it. His father certainly wouldn't- Shadowhunter men were strong, brave and… manly. Manly in an "I'll kill anyone that casts an eye over my girl" kind of way. Except Alec didn't have a girl… and he didn't want one. He could imagine his father blaming himself for being absent, and then everyone would feel guilty. The truth, Alec decided, would not bode well. Not even amongst his family.
The Lightwoods were a strong, well-known and respected Shadowhunter family. There was a certain expectation to live up to. And what of his siblings? Surely Max would never view him as a worthy idol or example anymore. His younger brother would have no respect for him, Isabelle probably wouldn't either- despite how much they all loved him. He was Shadowhunter, and a Shadowhunter could not be… like that. Alec had become accustomed to denying the truth even in the safe confines of his own mind.
Magnus had tried to tell him that it was alright, that everything would be okay. But Alec didn't really believe him. He wanted to. But he didn't. Alec just wasn't able to. Magnus was one of the things that made him happy- one of the things that made the world seem wonderful and illuminated and enjoyable when he was in his company. At times like that, Alec could forget about the worries that plagued his mind and reminded him that the world was unfair. But without Magnus there, the worries came back. Like when he was with Isabelle or Jace.
Jace knew how unfair the world was too. Alec could tell. It was all down to her- Clarissa Fray. Alec could easily admit that he had more than slightly disliked Clary from Day One. Mainly due to jealousy… she had been a small, fiery, stubborn girl who was taking his parabatai and best friend from him. Alec could not fathom why Jace was so taken with her- she was a Mundie, not one of them, not good enough, not accepted. Just… not. Even as Alec had thought those things, he had reprimanded himself for doing so- he was in no position to judge like that. But Alec firmly believed that Clarissa should not be so easily accepted by Jace when Alec knew that he himself could not hope for that same acceptance if the truth were to come out. As such, Alec found himself unable to think of her in a good light. However, Alec soon came to detest himself for his prejudice- Clary did not deserve it, he was treating her the way he dreaded being treated himself.
Yet, it turned out that she was one of them, that she was worthy and good enough- she was a Shadowhunter. A fact which invariably made Alec detest her even more, for now- Clary Fray was even more accepted. She fit in, she belonged, she was welcomed, she was equal… she was taking his Jace away from him. The dislike had manifested out of pure jealousy- Clarissa Fray had what Alec never could. She had acceptance- she had it all. Clary was an equal in Alec's own house- a house where even he himself could not dare to be himself for fear of being rejected by the ones he loved- the ones he craved total acceptance from.
Not only that, but Clarissa held the power to make Jace hurt. Alec could see his parabatai suffering at her hands- because like Alec himself, Jace could not have what he really wanted. Alec wanted Magnus. Jace wanted Clary. And they were not allowed to have either. It was wrong. Even if they thought it could be so, so right.
Even now, as Alec pretended to read a Demonology text, he could sense Jace's longing in each resounding note of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. Church scowled in his usual cantankerous manner from the chair opposite, clearly put out by the fact that Jace's bare foot had kicked the fat blue Persian out of the way instead of stroking his fur. Perhaps Jace and Alec would end up the same someday- cranky and moody from years of being denied what they truly wanted, and from hiding what they really wanted from everyone including themselves. Or perhaps they would just end up miserable and living a life clouded by many deep sighs of longing. Because the Angel himself knew that they could never actually have what they desired…
The final chord came to an echoing rest as Jace slowly turned to Alec's seat. "You," Jace accused, "have been on the same page for the entirety of not only the first movement of Moonlight Sonata, but also Chopin's Nocturne in E major. That, Alec, either proves that you can no longer read or that you have no desire to read. I doubt that you have suddenly become illiterate, so I suggest you put the book away and tell me what is wrong."
"There's nothing wrong, Jace. I just can't concentrate."
"Which would indicate that there is something on your mind, so tell me what the something is," Jace pressed. His voice was short and demanding, illustrating his own unsociable mood.
"Nothing," Alec mumbled.
"By the Angel, there's nothing on his mind. Nothing! May the Angel help us, the boy is brain-dead! Poor Maryse, however will she cope with the news?" Alec had always known that Jace's signature sarcasm became more biting when he was trying to hide something himself.
"What's wrong with you?" Alec shot back. "And don't say nothing because nobody sits in front of a piano for hours on end playing every morose and maudlin song in existence when nothing is wrong."
Perhaps, Alec thought, the sarcasm had finally rubbed off on himself. Or maybe, the truth just sounded sarcastic sometimes. After all, it was a common fact that the truth could hurt and not many could handle it. Church yowled in the corner and Alec flung a pillow at him. The cat stalked out of the room somewhat indignantly- well, as indignantly as a fat Persian could manage.
"Clearly," Jace growled dangerously. "Nothing is wrong with either of us."
Looking decidedly angry with frustration, Jace slumped onto the couch beside his best friend. Silence reigned gloatingly for a slow passing of time.
"I want to kill the Vampire," Jace snapped shortly, abruptly breaking the tense silence.
"Simon?" Alec asked.
"No, Dracula." Jace rolled his eyes. "Of course Simon."
"Why? What did he do?" Alec looked up curiously from beneath his long, dark lashes.
"He…" Jace seemed lost for words- a highly rare occurrence, one that was almost unheard of. "He isn't good enough for her…"
Alec's gaze kept penetrating his parabatai's. "Clary?"
"Yes," Jace snapped brusquely. The sentences were getting shorter and shorter on both sides.
Alec wondered if he should speak the thought that was fighting to get out. The question that was practically hanging over them on the air. Why not? Alec was going to say it- things were different when it was just him and Jace, they were best friends; family and parabatai… they could speak freely. Well, most of the time...
"Who…" Alec began hesitantly. "Who is good enough, Jace?"
"Not. Him." Jace growled, as if to say conversation closed.
For once, Alec wasn't letting it go that easy. This time he was going to keep pressing for information, just like Jace. Alec knew that Jace was soon going to turn this conversation back to him, and Jace would be coaxing the words out of him with dedicated yet friendly persistence. So for now, Alec decided that it was his turn to keep the focus on the golden haired Shadowhunter- it would be his own turn all too soon.
"Then it's a good thing that she doesn't want him," Alec said softly but firmly.
Jace looked at Alec with pure confusion in his eyes. "What in the Angel's name are you talking about Alec? He's her best friend."
"Yeah, and that's all he is. In Clary's eyes that's all he ever will be. She doesn't want him, Jace. She wants-"
"I don't want to talk about this." And there it was, Jace had shut down. His butterscotch irises were blazing and his jaw was tightly clenched. Alec wisely decided to stop pressing, and shut his mouth while returning his gaze to the floor. Yes, both Shadowhunters understood that life was decidedly unfair at times.
"And anyway," Jace continued. "I do believe that this conversation began by me asking what was wrong with you?"
"I… don't know…" Alec answered pathetically. He couldn't even think of reasonable lies anymore.
"Is it Magnus?" There was no tentative edge to Jace's voice, he was blunt as always. Jace had always been direct, it was just his way. Considering others' feelings had never really been a priority to him.
"What?" Alec looked up sharply with shock lining his features. "No… I… what?!"
Alec frowned as his heart began racing uncontrollably. "Jace, I don't know what you mean. We haven't needed spells for ages, why would we need to contact a Warlock?"
Jace gave a short bark of laughter and shook his head while burying it frustratedly in his hands. "Why… why can you not get it through your head that I don't care, Alec?"
"Jace, just drop it," Alec mumbled. "I have to go and help Max with his runes."
"No you don't," Jace argued. "You or I can help him later."
"Max needs to go to bed later," Alec said hurriedly, trying to avoid the conversation. He could already imagine the faces again, the dismayed and horrified and disgusted faces. This wasn't Shadowhunter. This wouldn't be accepted.
"Then Isabelle can help him now- and no, she has not gone out, gone for a nap or started cooking. She is not busy in any way possible. So stop trying to duck out of the conversation Alec, and tell me what's going on. Truthfully."
"Drop it Jace. You don't want to know what's wrong and I don't want to tell you. Just let it be, it's better for all of us that way. I'm going to help Max."
Alec stood up on slightly shaking legs and made for the door, stepping around the covered harp. Just as he reached the doorway he felt Jace latch onto his wrist.
"No," Jace said in a firm tone. "Stop walking away from this, Alec. You are my brother, my best friend, my equal and my parabatai for crying out loud. I know, okay. I know and I. Do. Not. Care. Get it into your head, Alec- we won't care. All we care about is you, so stop thinking that everyone is going to disown you or throw you out once they find out. They won't! I don't care, Alec. I don't care!"
"You don't know what you're talking about," Alec shot back, trying to pull away. Because Alec knew, Alec knew that Jace could never be talking about the same thing that he was- because he wouldn't accept that. The word 'equal' coming from Jace's lips sent a shock of surprise through him.
Suddenly Jace was too close for comfort and Alec almost shrunk under his piercing gaze.
"No, Alec. I do know what I'm talking about. Life isn't fair, Alec, but damn it denying your problems is not going to help. I know what I'm talking about, and maybe we both have problems... but maybe the biggest problem is that we can't face up to the ones we have."
Jace ran a hand through his floppy hair in frustration. "So here, I'm facing up to them for both of us Alec. I want Clary. I want her the way Simon wants her. She is all I want, and the Angel must have cursed me somewhere along the line Alec, because she is the one thing I can't have. That is my problem. And yours? Your problem Alec, is that you want Magnus. You want him the way I want Clary- but you, you can have what you want. So man up and face it- because I don't care. If he makes you happy that's all that matters, despite what you think."
"Jace… I…"
"May the Angel help me, Alec, but I will strike you down if you deny this again." Growling Jace was back.
Alec looked down at the ground, seemingly lost for words. "I'm sorry Jace. And… ehhh… thank you."
"Yeah, well, just don't make things harder than they need to be," Jace muttered gruffly. "Life is hard enough as it is." With that, the stoic Nephilim strode out of the music room in a blur of black and gold.
Jace, Alec knew, was right. Life was hard- not just for him, or for Jace, but for everyone. Dreams didn't have to remain just dreams, they just needed some extra work to be achieved. Everyone had their struggles and problems, they had their demons to fight (literally or figuratively). But there were things that made life absolutely enjoyable- like Alec's Magnus, or when Jace spent his time with Clary so that he could momentarily just lose himself in the thoughts of what could be. Maybe sometimes, the world was cruel and unfair and it made you feel unworthy and unequal. But Alec finally realised that everybody really was equal, and it was only when you let people try to make you feel otherwise that it became an issue. They were all equal- Alec, Clary, Jace, Simon, Isabelle, Luke- all of them. They all felt pain and they all had problems, and they all experienced moments when they felt like they weren't good enough.
The key thing, Alec now understood, was finding that one thing that made you happy and clinging to it with all you had. So he grabbed his jacket and walked down the hall, bypassing Isabelle in smoky kitchen where she was dismantling the smoke alarm and waving around a spatula.
Alec grabbed his phone from the sitting room where Jace was showing a newly arrived Clary a book of runes on the couch, and with a shared encouraging look from his parabatai, Alec left the Institute and made his way to Brooklyn to see a certain High Warlock.
Some things just made life wonderful and entirely enjoyable, and it was those things that blocked out the darkness of unfairness and difficulty. Alec was going to embrace that, regardless of what people might or might not think. Happiness, as Jace had said, surely came as a higher priority than worries of prejudice. Knocking on a familiar door, Alec couldn't help but smile.