I can't say it…
No matter how much it pains me, and you, I can't say those two words that will change everything between us.
"I'm sorry…"
We might start to get along. Become friends again, brothers…lovers…
But I can't. Ever since that rainy day in Virginia. It was muddy and cold, but there you stood, alone, in you red while I stood opposite you, in my blue. Exact opposites, fighting for what we wanted.
It's not that I didn't want to be with you anymore, that was the last thing on my mind. If I could, I would have stayed with you forever. Always by your side and never leaving the warmth of your arms. But, I couldn't do that.
Rarely you'd come home to me, and you'd always have tired eyes. No matter what that fake smile and the simple words you told me said. You were tired of everything, you wanted to escape, you wanted to be free.
"Arthur-papa?"
"Hm?"
"why don't you stop? Instead of being so busy, you should quit. The n you might be happy!"
"Well I can't do that Alfred."
"Why not? You work so hard, you deserve it!"
"Cause if I stop, what future do you hope to have?"
"…huh?"
"The reason I work so hard, is so you become big and strong one day!"
"So if I grow up to be big and strong, you won't have to work so hard? And you'll be happy?"
"Yes, I will."
"…Will you be proud of me?"
"I'm always proud of you."
"…Will…will you still love me?"
"I'll always love you, till the day I die. You're my little Alfred, the love of my life."
"…I love you too…until I die..."
The world meeting is very noisy today. But there you are again, taking notes so diligently. I don't think you've noticed me watching you yet…good, that means I can watch longer.
You're green eyes seem weirdly bright today. they sparkle as they scan over the words you've just written down. You look over at me, straight into my eyes. Maybe that's another reason I love you, you can read me with a single glance.
"AMERICA!"
Apparently I've been staring and didn't notice Germany addressing me and asking for my opinion on the issue at hand in the meeting. I look back at you and you're staring away from me, almost like you don't care what I have to say…not anymore anyway…
"So what do you think about assisting the people in India? They suffered the big tidal wave, but as Japan already said, he's already started helping them. Should we all put an effort in to help?"
Every country's attention was on me…except for yours…
The one time I wanted your attention, and I don't have it. I'm finally here aren't I. I'm the country you wanted to be! Strong, independent, and acknowledged…what else can I do to make you proud of me…
I give a low sigh that seems uncharacteristic of me. My eyes arise from the table that I had been looking down at and I address germany's bright blue eyes with seriousness.
"From what I've heard everyone say about the issue, Japan, although you've helped a lot Kiku, is missing out on a big issue concerning the people. You are giving them food and water, provisions that they desperately need. However, where are these people living? India is a very polluted place and if these people have nowhere to live, how will they heal. There is another issue. I heard you are running low on medical supplies. I'm sure England will be glad to assist in that field along with me seeing as we have a very good medical production line. Agreed Arthur?"
You're face looks stunned…along with everyone else's. Did I say something wrong? All I did was state the facts…did you not think I was listening? Did you think that I'm stupid? Did you think that I didn't take the opportunity of being a country that you gave me seriously?
Don't insult me…
"AGREED, Arthur?
You snap out of it.
"Oh…yes of-of course I'll help. I'll ship out medical supplies right in the morning. Are you feeling okay Alfred?"
I don't answer you. Do I really have to? It's obvious that I'm not okay. it hasn't been okay since way back then, in the pouring rain… So why am I suddenly realizing this now? Because like you back then, I'm tired…
Tired of trying, tired of putting up this front that everything is okay. Tired of you not being proud of me, even though I've done everything I could to make you happy…and proud…
What happened to our promise way back then, about always loving each other, until we die…
Or was it just a dream?
"I suggest that we take lunch break now. Everyone seems tired and they look hungry, especially Italy."
"Pasta?"
"Seeing as you're the host country for this meeting you get to decide germany."
"fine. We'll take a two hour lunch break. Meeting dismissed."
Everyone chats with their neighbors, but I don't want to talk to anyone there. I get up and leave the room, but I hear your chair slid out from the table and I hear you shoes tap behind me as I walk. Every turn I take, you take too. The sound that you make is driving the sanity out of me. Why won't you leave me be…
I stop in the hall and turn.
"Is there something I can help you with Arthur?"
"there's something wrong with you today…what is it?"
"oh how honored I feel. The great England has finally taken notice of me."
The sarcasm bleeds from my mouth.
"What's wrong with you?"
I don't know what drove me. But one second I'm standing in front of you. The next I slam you against the wall, glaring into your bright green eyes.
"What do you want from me!"
The shock is apparent in your eyes. Never have I lost control before, never have I been this way to you. Never have I seen the hurt in your eyes like you do now. I can't stop the tears that pool in the corners of my eyes. My shoulders drop along with my head, shame for what I have done, but my hands stay on your shoulders. Silent sobs wrack my body, my shoulders shake. But my face is hidden by my blonde bangs, a physical trait that I like to say I got from you.
Thankfully you stand there and don't say anything. I'm thankful. You carefully put you arms around me and I lift my teary eyes to meet yours.
"What do you want from me? I've tried everything to make you happy. I've become strong! You don't have to work so hard anymore! You can finally be proud of me! Everyone knows that you raised me. You can say that everything I do is something that you taught me, just please just once…"
I drop my head again and you tilt your head so you can still see my face and hear the words that I say.
"…just once say that your proud of me, and your happy….just once…"
My knees finally give out and instead of just watching me fall to the ground, you come with me and cradle my shaking form.
Once more, your warm arms are around me. Once more, you're there to comfort me. Once more, I'm there holding onto you, begging you not to go. Just one last time…
"Didn't I tell you already?"
I barely hear you whisper but I feel you hand caress my cheek as you lift my face. Tears continue to stream down my face as I look into you sparkling eyes. You put your forehead onto mine.
"I'm always proud of you…"
"But w-"
My sentence is interrupted by your soft kiss. Lasted only a second, but the feeling is something that will never leave.
"Let me finish you git."
A smirk appears on your face as you look into my desperate eyes.
"I'm always proud of you and I will always love you, until I die."
"Then…Then why does it seem that you hate me so much! You don't even look at me anymore!"
My grip tightens without me noticing and I pull you closer. It feels if I let go, this time you will be gone forever, and I'll never be in love again.
"Because it hurts."
I can feel the confusion flood my face.
"You're so strong now, so powerful. You make one move and everyone has to follow you. Your enemies regret fighting you while your allies treasure having you as a friend. It hurts because, even though I raised you, I treasure you. It hurts because, I didn't think you'd grow up that fast. I thought you'd be with me longer, all to myself. But, now you don't belong to me, not anymore. I've…lost my treasure…"
The tears reappear in my eyes, I'm so happy that I'm your treasure, that you do recognize me, that you still love me. But I've hurt you…I've hurt the one I love.
"I'm sorry!"
I don't think you can hear me through my sobs, but you hold me closer anyway. Comforting me like you always do.
"I'm so sorry…please…please…"
"I'll never leave you Alfred if you do the same for me. Stay with me forever, until we die."
"Until we die?"
"I love you America, and I'm so proud of you."
"I love you…you're my hero England.