Voltar eyed his foe warily, craning his neck upwards to do so. "This time... THIS time I shall be victorious!" he warned.
The vending machine stood in impassive silence.
"Red!" he barked. "Boost!"
"Right boss!" He cheerfully hoisted Voltar up to what would have been eye level for anyone else.
"Hmm..."
"What're you getting?"
"Silence! This is a delicate matter for which I need absolute concentration!" A gloved finger traced over the glass surface. "Too salty... Too healthy... THAT'S IT!"
Sensing the dramatic importance, his three companions moved closer.
"The Triple Quadra Nutty Fudgy Caramel Chocosplosion Bar," Voltar announced in loving tones.
Doktor Frogg gasped. "That's been banned in eight countries for extreme deliciousness!"
"Ooh, looks decadent!" Red squealed.
Doomaggeddon merely snaked his tongue over his impressive teeth, already guessing how this would turn out.
The group grew silent again as Voltar began feeding change into the slot, each coin plunking musically into the bowels of the machine.
Clink.
Clink.
Clink.
Clink.
Clink.
CLINK.
"Why is this taking so long?" Frogg piped up, sick of the suspense.
"I have a lot of nickels, okay?" Voltar snapped defesively.
Finally, the correct amount of change was achieved. The tiny red villain's finger trembled slightly as it hovered over the keypad. One wrong move here and it could be Low-Carb Soy Crunchies.
F.
Okay.
7.
Doing good.
109749387276393.
"Victory!" Voltar exclaimed as the silver spring slowly began to unwind to send his chocolaty prize into the bin below.
The package bent precariously over the edge...
And stopped.
"WHAT?!" Voltar raged, pounding his fists against the machine. Despite his efforts and the forces of gravity, the candy refused to fall. "This can't be! It's not FA-AIR!"
"Tough break," Red said sympathetically.
Eyes blazing, Voltar resorted to his usual method of problem-solving. "Frogg! Reach into the machine and get my candy bar!'
"What? Why me?"
"You have skinny spaghetti arms. Obviously, you're the only one who can do it.
"...Fine." he conceded heavily, unable to argue that logic. "But you could say please or something," he added petulantly as he sidled up to the vending machine.
"We're evil," Voltar scoffed. "We don't say please."
"Being evil is no excuse," Red admonished. "Thank you for helping, Doktor Frogg."
"You're welcome, Red." The mad scientist surveyed the narrow opening. "This is going to end badly, I know it..." He pushed one metal claw through the flap, reaching upwards into the glass case. But even with his arm wedged in up to the shoulder, the Triple Quadra Nutty Fudgy Caramel Chocosplosion Bar remained scant centimeters out of reach.
"Just a little further," Voltar urged.
"I can't go any further! Maybe if I had a stick or something..." He carefully began to extricate his limb from the machine. Elbow, forearm and wrist slithered out of the slim slot without incident. Then the bulk of his unwieldy claw clanked gently against the metal flap, which, by design, did not open outward.
"IT'S GOT MEEEEEEE!" he shrieked, flailing at the monolith in blind panic. After several cringe-worth moments, an errant blow hit the flap, opening it and freeing him. He tumbled backwards, landing in a quivering, traumatized heap.
"Well? You said something about a stick?" Voltar prompted.
"No way, man! NEVER AGAIN!"
"Useless!" He tuned to Red. "Hey, you're pretty strong. You could just shake the machine. It's brilliant!"
"No can do," Red informed the leader.
"Why not?"
He pointed to the safety diagram on the side of the machine, which depicted a stick figure desperately trying to dodge a falling machine. "It's unsafe!"
"Unsafe? UNSAFE? We're the LEAGUE OF SUPER EVIL, Red! We live on the very edge of danger!"
"But it says..."
"Who cares what it says? You're going to listen to a vending machine instead of your commander? The same vending machine that stole my hard-earned money?"
"But you took all that from Give A Penny, Take A Penny trays."
"It was there to be taken... That's not the point! The point is, this machine robbed us! We can't let it get away with it!"
"Well, when you put it like that..." The green-suited villain hefted the machine above his head, gave it a few swift, business-like shakes, then plunked it down again.
The entire stock tumbled down into the bin.
"Jackpot," the Great Voltar hissed, rubbing his hands together in a decidedly evil way. He pushed the flap open with some difficulty and junk food rained out in an impressive pile.
Sensing his glory moment, Doomageddon leapt forward and scarfed down the lot of it.
The other three stared in stunned silence.
"Shoulda seen that one coming," Frogg sighed.
Doomageddon belched contentedly and rolled over onto his back, gazing impishly at his friends.
"NOOOOOO!!" Voltar rued, falling to his knees in despair.
"Wait!" Red said brightly. "There's still some stuff stuck in the bottom!" He reached in and triumphantly pulled out...
"Low-Carb Soy Crunchies," Voltar moaned, each syllable another nail in the coffin.
"Hold on... There was something underneath that..." He handed another package to Voltar.
"The Triple Quadra Nutty Fudgy Caramel Chocosplosion Bar!" he sobbed with joy, hugging the sweet tightly to his tiny body. "At last! VICTORY IS MINE!" He eagerly demolished the wrapper and took a bite. "Mmm... Heaven!"
Red munched contemplatively. "You know, once you get used to the soy taste, these aren't half-bad..."
HEY KIDS! You're not cartoon characters! Don't try this at home!
Well, this was a laugh and a half to write. Sure, maybe the jokes were a little (read: totally) contrived, but still, hope you enjoyed it. It had me snickering maniacally to myself as I wrote it at three in the morning.
Oh, and if the Pumpkinator is reading this: FFN deletes all links in the bodies of reviews and PMs. However, you can leave an email address in the line provided in anonymous reviews or space out the link so it won't be dectected (not dot com attached). It's always nice to talk to another LOSE fan!