Her hands are pressed against one another as they rest against her lips, sending a silent prayer above. She waits upon the toilet lid counting the minutes ticking by. The third minute ticks by slowly, reaching its end agonizingly alerting her that the test has finished. Grabbing the white stick from the counter she takes a deep breath before looking down. Opening her eyes she looks to find a negative sign staring back at her. "Damn it," she mumbles to herself as she shoves the torturous device back into the box. She throws it into the trashcan covering it with a few tissues.
Washing her hands she looks up into the mirror letting a sole tear run down her cheek. She looks at herself carefully examining the last year and a half of her life. Though she has married the love of her life, moved to London, and been able to keep her career as a marine, it has all left her feeling more worthless than when she started. Yes, Sarah Mackenzie-Rabb is worthless. What does all of it mean if she can't be the one thing she wants most, to be a mother?
Sarah makes her way down stairs, giving herself a few minutes on the last step to regain her composure. Fully prepared, she enters the kitchen and wraps her arms around her husband. "Hey you, you okay?" Harm asks sensing something different with her.
"Yeah, I'm okay. So what's for dinner? It smells good," Sarah asks as she grabs the plates to set the table.
"Chicken stir fry,' he says bringing out the finished meal. She gives him a small smile, letting him know of his good choice for dinner.
"Thank you," she says sitting down in the chair he pulled out.
"So how was your day?"
"Good. Oh Erin and Charles invited us over on Saturday. I said we could."
"Sounds Fun, I'll be sure to tell my staff to let me alone," Harm laughs attempting to lighten the tension he sees running across her face.
Saturday comes quickly for the couple. By four pm, Harm and Sarah stand in front of the aqua blue door waiting for it to open. "Are you going to be okay?" He asks seeing her fight back a few tears.
"Yeah don't worry," she says taking his hand with a smile. He returns her smile, and is about to lean in for a kiss when they hear the locks turning over.
"Harm, Sarah it's so good to see you again,' Erin Kane says greeting her friends.
"It's good to see you too Erin." Sarah says giving her friend a hug.
"Hi Harm, Charles is in the back," Erin says giving him a Harm a quick hug.
"Thanks Erin," he says heading out towards the back yard, leaving a smiling Sarah watching after him.
"Oh my goodness Erin look how big you've gotten," Sarah says examining her friends Seven month along pregnancy.
"I know and I still have three more months. I don't want to even think about what I'm going to look like by the time I deliver," Erin laughs as they hear loud footsteps coming downstairs.
"Hi Sarah is Harm here?" Campbell, the eight year old son of Erin and Charles, asks as he gives her a hug hello.
"He sure is. He's out back with your dad," Sarah says with a laugh as she watches the little boy rush outside.
"So Sarah how are things?" Erin asks leading her friend into the living room.
Thirty minutes later as Sarah and Erin are setting the table the back door bursts open allowing Campbell's voice to filter into the dining room. "So you really pushed the plane over the mountains. That is so cool."
"Yep," Harm laughs as he ruffles the boy's hair.
"Are you corrupting Campbell," Sarah asks as they all take a seat. Harm gives her a lopsided grin as he takes his seat next to her.
The cloudy night sky looms over London as Harm and Sarah arrive home. "I'm beat. I think Campbell finally wore me out," Harm says laying the keys by the door.
"My poor baby," Sarah says wrapping her arms around her husband and placing a kiss on his chin.
"I just can't wait until we have our own," he says walking them upstairs. Sarah nods her head against his chest quietly as they make their way into the bedroom. "Hey I'm going to take a bath," she says grabbing her robe from the bathroom door.
"Okay. Well then I guess I'll finish up a few reports," he says moving to change his clothes.
Once Harm hears the water start he makes his way to the office, leaving Sarah time for herself. Inside the bathroom Sarah slips into the steaming bath and takes a deep breath as she watches the bubbles wrap around her. She grabs the wet washcloth next to her and places it against her face as she lets the tears flow freely.
The clock strikes eleven as Harm crawls into bed. He wraps his arms around and already asleep Sarah, or so he assumes. As he kisses the back of her head he feels her shutter then the cool we feeling of tears hitting his hand. "Hey you want to talk about it?" he asks rolling her over. She buries her head into his shoulder in attempt to hide herself from him. "Sarah please talk to me." With still no response Harm brings her face toward his, locking their eyes together.
"I heard you in the bathroom earlier. Does this have something to do with Erin?"
"Why did you marry me?" Sarah asks pulling herself into a sitting position.
"Because you're it for me, I love you with all my heart," he says moving to sit next to her.
"Do you regret it, I mean you knew I couldn't have children, yet you could've had any woman who could bare you children."
"Sarah you know the reason. It was never about children," he says watching her shake her head back and forth.
"Please Harm don't. Don't try and sugar coat it. Just tell me the truth. Why did you marry a shell of a woman?" Sarah asks folding her arms in front of her.
"Because it's not the children I care about, it's the woman who has been there for me through everything. Who saved my life on more than one occasion, and the one woman who I love so much that it physically hurts when I leave you in the morning." He reaches out to take her hand in his. "Sarah if this is about the treatments. Don't worry we'll get through them. They take time, but if they don't work out, you know there are other options."
"No Harm you don't get it. There are no other options. I've already spoken with adoption agencies. They are less likely to place a child with a military family than anyone else. Our chances are just as small. And the IVF treatments have so far failed."
"Sarah we don't know that," Harm says moving closer to her.
"Yes I do. I took a pregnancy test. It was negative," she states flatly staring at a random spot on the wall across from her
"Sarah..."
"Don't...Don't say it. Harm you don't understand what it's like. You don't get the stares of sympathy at the doctor's office or have others avoid you like the plague when you tell them, and you don't break into tears every time you pass a child or the baby section in a store. Harm you deserve someone who can give you everything you ever wanted," she says pulling her knees to her chest.
"Sarah you're all I've ever wanted. I'm sorry that I didn't see it earlier, and wasn't there for you but I will be now," he says moving to wrap his arms around her.
"Why can't we just be happy?" she asks wrapping her arms around her husband.
"I don't know. I just don't know," he mumbles into her hair as they rock back and forth.
Over the next few months the Rabb family routine continues as normal, with one exception of one last IVF treatment. "Hey sweetheart how was work?" Harm asks as he sees Sarah enter the house.
"Great. How about you?" she asks kissing her husband.
"Pretty good, not too many headaches today," he says with a laugh.
"That's good. Hey I'm going to change. I'll be down in a few minutes," She says before heading upstairs.
Ten minutes later Harm hears Sarah make her way down the stairs. "I think it's a new record for you," Harm laughs noting her lengthy time changing. After a few minutes without any response, he turns around to see Sarah standing in shock at the entryway to the Kitchen. "Sarah?"
"Harm," she says in a watery tone as a tear forms at the corner of her eyes.
"What is it?" he asks walking towards her.
"I'm pregnant," she says with a smile.
"Really?" he says with excitement boiling over.
Sarah nods her head yes before being enveloped in his arms.