Author's Note: Random insaneness that I thought would be absolutely hilarious to type up and show to you all. I figured that no one has imagined Lucius and Narcissa's romance funny, thus, I came up with this little ficlet that I hope you guys enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed typing it.
Disclaimer: All rights belong to J.K. Rowling, and I am making no money off of this publication.
Summary: How Narcissa and Lucius really spent their wedding night… You know it.
His blonde hair came undone from its usual ponytail as Narcissa reached around his shoulders, tugging the handsome shiny ribbon away. It fell in silky layers around his face, framing him in a sheet of white like an angel. Her rescuer from the torments of her life at home. After all, doing battle with Bellatrix for a turn in the shower did do some damage to her pores. But that was definitely not on the eighteen year old's mind. Her eyes were closed, and her lips were pressing against Lucius' skin as she allowed her hands to trail over his shoulders and down his tuxedo shirt to undo the fragile glass buttons. Her slender fingers worked easily and swiftly, her mind vaguely aware of the fact that Lucius was untying the ribbon that held her wedding dress corset in place.
Her dress loosened, and she shoved his jacket off his shoulders. He let go of her, sliding it off with ease, then allowing his hands to come back up to her shoulders. With a gentle push, he walked her backwards towards the bed. A gigantic heirloom to the Malfoy family that his parents had given them as a wedding gift… along with the manor in which they were now located. The main bedroom, the biggest in the home, naturally, was located just on the eastern side. It's high ceiling and drapes casting a hauntingly elegant beauty, which Narcissa had adored when Lucius had shown her around. And along the northern wall of the bedchamber, there was a door leading to the gigantic bathroom. A natural occurrence in a rather large home. And Lucius' father had called this a "getting started home"… She wasn't about to mention to anyone that this house had to be at least three times as big as her family's estate. Although, the Blacks had more land versus square feet.
And it was then that she noticed her back pressed against the banister of the bed. The wood cut into her skin, Lucius' chest leaning against her so that he could kiss her neck and her shoulders. The silky skin now exposed to the man that she had loved since she was old enough to know what attraction was.. His lips were dancing over the luscious silken fabric now, his hands trying to peel it away from her body. Suddenly, she felt her cheeks grow warm, she felt as if her corset tightened around her ribs- the lovely Narcissa Black Malfoy could not breathe out of embarrassment. She tore away from him, held up her skirts so she did not trip, and dashed into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind her.
Lucius was left by the bedpost, his eyebrows arched in pure confusion, and his eyes locked upon the spot in which she had stood. However, Narcissa had flung herself to the sink where she leaned against the marble, throwing on the taps with a sigh of relief. Her blue eyes looked into her reflection in the mirror that hung over the sink, her hands reaching down to scoop some cool water and splash it on her face. Her make-up was smudged and smeared, due to obvious reasons, and her hair was half-down from its elegant bun. Her dress was loose around her slender frame, hanging on by a ribbon that Lucius had somehow missed while groping in passion. Her lips then curved into an amused smirk.
She looked ridiculous! She was positively unladylike, standing there in the bathroom. But, her stomach did not let her forget her nerves. Unlike Bellatrix, she had remained chaste for her lover. For their wedding night.. And she knew that Lucius had not remained chaste for her. That was what bothered her. He was experienced, and she was not. She would make herself look a fool tonight, and he would joke and jest about it in the morn. She sank down to the marble floor, crossing her legs, and pouting like a childish teenager. Her arms crossing over her chest, and holding herself as if she were afraid that she would fall apart at the seams. With irritation she kicked off her high heels, and as they hit the oaken door, she heard a rap upon the wood and an amused voice, "Are you okay, my puppet? Do tell me that you didn't fall in..?"
Her eyes widened, and she harrumphed with annoyance before turning her back to the door, her eyes then staring at the shower. Narcissa Malfoy was what she was now. It was her dream come true, yes, but she had hoped that she could get a word in with either Bellatrix or Regulus before she was swept away by Lucius to the beautiful carriage that would take them to their home… Where, obviously, the consummation would occur. She had dashed about all throughout her reception, snatching out for Regulus' arm as he danced with one of her bridesmaids, or trying to get good aim towards Bellatrix to whom she would launch a nice handful of rice.. But she had failed. A person would get in the way, or a new dance would start that would sweep Regulus away. Therefore, she couldn't ask them about how to be satisfactory in bed. She was left to her own devices and wonderings- which were never good.
"Oh, go away, you hog," she said as Lucius rapped again at the door. Her shoulders slumped and she heard an annoyed curse from the other side of the wooden slab. She couldn't help but offer a slight smile at his annoyance. This couldn't be that bad, really. It was simple, it had to be. If her mother and father could have done it at least three times to produce three beautiful daughters- and with her mother's intelligence, that was saying something. Animals did it- for Christ's sake, rabbits did it! It was all about making the man wait. All about making him impatient. And then, one didn't need to control anything.
With a smile, Narcissa stood, her bare feet making but a soft tap upon the stone floor. Her fingers wrapped around the brass door handle, and easily locked the bathroom door. The bolt thudded into place, and she heard his footsteps racing over to the bathroom again. As soon as they came to a pause, his rapping started up again at the door. This time, it was more irritated and worried, along wit his voice, "Narcissa, are you okay? Narcissa? My dear?"
"I'm fine, my love," she replied smoothly, reaching behind her to finish untying the ribbon holding on her corset. She shrugged off the valuable wedding gown, and wrapped a towel around her person. With a smile, she reached into the shower, and flipped on the water. While it was warming, she walked back to the sink where she reached up behind her to remove each bobby pin from her hair, allowing the blonde locks to fall against her face and down her back effortlessly and beautifully, "I'm just going to take a shower.."
"A.. A shower?" Lucius' voice croaked, almost stunned, "What are you going to shower for? You'll only get dirtier.. I mean, it's not really clean business doing what we're supposed to, um, do."
"If you're going to be a big boy," she slid the towel off her body, and stepped into the glass enclosure, "don't be scared to say sex." She closed the shower door, and proceeded to wash herself. Scrubbing her hair free of the gels and hairsprays that her mother had used to fix her hair, and she ran silky body oils over her arms and legs to remove the dirt and grime that she had probably accumulated from the chapel and then from the reception.
It took a while for her to cleanse herself. And she was thankful for Lucius' gentlemanly manner that he did not disturb her. She smiled, the hot water washing over her cheeks, her lips, removing the smudged make-up from her porcelain face, refreshing her and rejuvenating her. But, as soon as she started to enjoy this lavish break from embarrassment, she came to regret the lack of his arms around her- his kisses upon her shoulders... And she definitely began to feel guilty at making the young man wait so long. It had to be torture upon his 'person' to be sitting there, in the bedroom, alone and half-dressed.
Reaching for the valve, she cut the water, opening the glass, and pulling a towel down from the rack. The fluffy warm cotton was then wrapped about her torso, her slender legs making their way towards the door. With a coy grin, she grasped the lock, and turned. The bolt clicked back into place, and she pulled open the door. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the change in light, but when they did, she saw him. About twenty feet in front of her, sitting on the end of the bed nonchalantly. He looked as if this was a natural occurrence. But, how he looked devilishly handsome as he arched his brow at her, "Are you finally ready?"
"As ready as I can get, I suppose. Now, do tell me... Need you have help locating how to get this off of me?" She held out her arms as if she were waiting for some servant to undress her. He smirked, standing and walking over to her. He ran his hands over her arms from the tips of her fingers up to her shoulders. He leaned over her, effortlessly placing his lips upon her neck and then he reached for the towel.
As his hands were preoccupied with teasing her skin near the towel's seam, she reached down, finishing unbuttoning his shirt... And then her fingers grazed his trousers. A blush rose to her cheeks, yet, she kept on her goal… She tried to unbutton the top button… But she couldn't. It was stuck. Bloody stuck. She felt her eyebrows lower, and she tugged. It didn't budge. She tugged harder, accidentally trotting on his foot as she tried to jerk the clasp loose. He paused, looking down and arching a brow, "What's wrong?"
"It won't work!" She scowled, giving his pants another jerk, making him grunt as he was tugged forward. He gripped her shoulders, and then as she let loose his trousers, he set to work to get them open. He tugged, and pulled, annoyance making his lips curve into a sneer. He leaned back on the bed, and tugged, rolling over the silk sheets.
Narcissa dashed over to the desk that was located in the western corner of the room. A small table that was meant for nothing more than writing letters, and she took a seat on the small bench. Monitoring her towel to make sure it didn't come undone, she rooted through desk drawer after drawer. She couldn't find any bloody scissors… But, then a glint of metal caught her eye. A letter opener. She tilted her head and smiled, grabbing the metal instrument. Standing once again, she walked over to her husband lying on the bed, and his eyes widened as she raised the letter opener to use to be rid of those trousers...
And that was why Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy spent their wedding night in St. Mungo's.