The others seem to enjoy insulting me. Telling me I'm useless and slow. Mostly Happy. He gets a good laugh out of my reactions. "C'mon Lucy! You're so slow!" he giggles, floating above Natsu as the team and I are just heading back from a job. He turns back around and I grab my wrists. A slight sting rips at my heart and i'm itching for something sharp.
Gray, Erza, Natsu, Happy and I are walking through hargeon and I keep myself in the back, walking slower than the others. That's why Happy keeps yelling back to me, telling me to 'keep up slow poke.' I know he doesn't mean anything by it, he's just a cat for pete's sake. He's just messing around and I know that, but, I can't help the pain I get in my gut from how much he teases me. I can't help but take some things to heart.
None of them know my secret, they don't know that my skin is sliced and scarred, they don't know that I keep a razor on me everywhere I go. I keep it well hidden in a hole in my boot on my left leg. No one has ever known it's there.
As we walk, Happy keeps laughing and the itch it getting stronger, soon enough I can't take it and I break. "Hey guys, you go on without me, I'm gonna use the restroom really quick." The boys nodded but Erza announced she would be accompanying me, saying we shouldn't break apart.
"NO!-" the redhead looked taken aback, surprise washed over the groups features and i had to correct myself quickly.
"N-nah, i'll be fine on my own. Besides I was wanting to stop by a magic shop and see if they might have any silver keys…" I lied, I didn't want Erza to come with me for obvious reasons.
She gave me an off look and nodded slowly, "O-Oh, alright then, I'll wait for you near the shops." I smiled and went off, almost in a sprint, but knowing I had to keep it under control. I kept my pace to a casual jog so it looked like I was just in a real need to go.
When i finally reached the bathrooms, I jumped into a stall, letting out a shaky breath as I locked the door and sat on the lid of the toilet, i carefully pulled out the hidden piece of silver metal and held it quietly in the palm of my hand.
I couldn't stop the sad smile that formed on my lips as I looked at it's glimmer in the bathroom lights. I lifted the end of my skirt and pressed the razor's sharp edge into the tattered skin of my thigh. I drag the blade across my leg in short, sweet strokes. Watching with numb eyes and I draw with silver, the mark left behind, coming out as a sweet crimson.
I can only get a few slits in before I think hear someone come in through the door. I quickly grab some toilet paper and wipe off the blood from my razor, carefully placing back into my boot before capturing the runaway drips of red that tried to freefall from my skin. Turning the white paper a soft rosy color.
I clean up everything and grab a couple gauze out of my messenger bag that I always keep handy. I tape it down carefully and let my skirt fall back into place as I stand. My legs and breath, both shaky from the roller coaster of emotions during that moment. I quickly check to make sure the white gauze doesn't show through the bottom of the navy blue fabric and open the door to peek through.
I didn't hear anyone in any of the stalls but I was still on edge. As I step through through the puke-green stall, I see no one. I check every stall and they were empty.
"Was it just in my head?" I question, quietly to myself outloud. I quickly wash my hands and get out of there, the empty room giving me the chills.
When I step outside, I see Erza across the way, looking at a weapons booth filled with swords and axes, marveling at the largest ones. The booth keeper look astonished at the mighty titanias incredible strength.
I snuck away with the crowd to be near the magic shop that was down a couple streets. I didn't want any interrogation as to why i wasn't looking at keys.
After a few minutes of sitting around like an idiot, i get up and head toward the weapons booth where I saw Erza. As I get closer she noticed me and gave me one of her smiles. "Find any good keys?"
I shook my head, "they only key they had in there was for the little dog and i already have him." I say, speaking of plue.
She shrugs at me and grabs a huge spear from the booth asking me if she should add it to her collection. I tell her she already has lots of great weapons and armour in her possession already and that she really didn't have much room. She agreed with me and we both headed back towards Natsu and Gray.
"Heyo! Took you guys long enough." Natsu greeted us with his signature smile and i found myself blushing. I couldn't help the spark the lit in my underbelly when he smiled at me.
I will admit, i started to fall for Natsu a while back and i have had strong feelings for him ever since but it kills me knowing he has it for Lisanna. Those two are childhood friends and he is always around her when we are at the guild. Always laughing, and smiling with his arm around her shoulders. It hurts.
"Hey Luce," my thoughts were interrupted by his voice, "did you get cut?" My heart stills at his comment, is my bandage showing? Did I not cover one? How could I so stupid! I try to keep a calm look as I answer. "I don't think so. Why do you ask?" I let my hands fall to my thighs, trying to be subtle as I hide the patches .He sniffs the air around me with his brows drawn in.
"I smell blood. Your blood. Are you sure you're not bleeding somewhere?" His onyx eyes look at me filled with concern, as he takes a long drag on air. "It's coming from down here." his head moves lower and closer to my skirt, right next to my thighs.
My heart is pounding and I feel his eyes glaring past my clothes. In a quick moment, i come up with my excuse. "Natsu, I'm on my 'girl time'. I'm fine. Now please back up. You're invading my bubble."
I watch as his face contorts for a quick moment before it clicks in his simple mind. "Ooohh! U-uh, sorry Luce. I'll meet you back with the others." he takes off in a jog and I let out the breath that I had been holding since he came up to me. 'Thank Kami that's over..' I think to myself before making my way back to the others. Our group continuing towards Magnolia and our home. Their home. I don't have a home. I don't have a place in where I can be accepted or truly loved. I know that the guild members don't even remember that i'm there. They are just to engrossed in their own business or fawning over Natsu and Lisanna.
I've always known the guild would forget about me one day, and I was right. The day that Lisanna came home, was the day that I became a memory. Barely a thought in the minds of the others. I guess I have come to accept it now.
To be honest, it surprises me when Natsu asks me to come on missions with the team. Most times he goes with Lisanna and the others. It's kinda Rare when he has me come along, but when he does happy decides to make fun of me. Like how i'm useless or slow, Fat even. That's his favorite one. "Lucy, you're so fat, I can't carry you." I've heard him say that more than I've heard him offer fish to Charla.
The Days get longer, and harder to bear. I'm running out of room on my skin. I don't know how much longer I can take of this. All this time, all the insults I've bared and blows I've taken, I'm only doing this for two reasons. I'm doing this for the man i love more than anything in this world, the one who has taken hits for me and dealt with me on long missions. Who can light up any room with just his smile, his lopsided, fang filled, goofy grin that can shine brighter than a thousand suns.
I've kept going for the pink-headed maniac that I've come to love so much, I can tell you I'm still here because of him and how much I hope. How much I pray that he will love me too, even though I know it won't happen because he has his sights set on Lisanna. I can still dream right? I can still wish for the dragon slayer who saved my life to love me back, can't I?
But...I don't know if i can keep going. I'm falling farther and farther from the light and i can't breath and I'm itching for a blade. This is going to be my goodbye. Ive lived a full life but it's gone on long enough. My heart can't take another smile from him. My skin can't take anymore cuts, and my lungs can't take another breath. So, Natsu, this is where it ends. I Love you.
-Lucy Heartfilia.