Hi there :) This is my first fanfic (well the first one i've published) and I hope you enjoy it! Please read and review, compliments are more than welcome and constructive criticism is encouraged- I only want to improve!

Oh, and of course the lovely characters aren't mine, I'm just borrowing!

Amy sighed and let her head tip forward to gently bump against the cold glass of the living room window. Outside, without the artificial glow of orange street lamps and car headlights polluting the night, everything appeared silver-blue. The big white moon hung low over the tiny village and the stars filled the indigo darkness. She pressed her nose to the glass and stared hard at the night. It was empty. The stars and the moon were inconsequential. They may as well have not been there at all.

"Where are you?" Amy whispered, softer than a breath of air. She ran her long pale fingers through her hair and turned away. The living room in front of her was a mess. Not "organised chaos" as she always insisted to Rory's overbearing mother whenever she came to visit. It was just a mess. But then that was Amy, she never had been one for structure or systems, even as a child. Picking up her mug of tea from the mantelpiece on the way, she crossed to the old leather armchair by the fire and sank down into the battered cushions. She curled her legs beneath her and her hands around the mug. How could somebody just vanish like that? Didn't he care at all? She returned to gazing out into the night, from a distance this time, questions like these running around her head again and again for the thousandth time. She started as two hands squeezed her shoulders. Rory bent down and kissed the top of her head before coming round to perch on the arm of the chair. Amy looked at her husband with affection as he struggled to balance on the arm, his messy brown hair sticking up at impossible angles. He looked back at her, adoration shining from his big brown eyes.

"They're sound asleep. Are you coming to bed?" He smiled, getting to his feet and holding out a hand to Amy. She took it and pulled herself up, but shook her head.

"Not quite yet, I don't think I could sleep just now."

"Well, we could…..not sleep," he winked and pulled her into his chest, hands on her hips. Amy laughed as he leant down and began to nuzzle her neck. She lifted his head, feigning a reproaching frown.

"Rory!" She smiled, "Not tonight, love. Now get to bed. I'll be up soon."

"Ok, don't be too long," Their goodnight kiss was swift and sweet. Amy watched him leave the room and heard his footsteps retreating down the hall on the oak floorboards.

She was restless in body and mind. She couldn't explain it, why she was so particularly agitated tonight. He had been gone for years. Her raggedy Doctor. She still tried to convince herself that he would be back, just like the first time when she was small. He'd have made a mistake, misjudged the time, but he'd return, and burst back into her life when she least expected it. But it had been seven years. She was married and had two little girls and the Doctor seemed more and more like a dream every day. A fantastic, eccentric, beautiful, dangerous dream.

Amy went to the computer desk in the corner, took a piece of paper from the printer, a pen from the pot, and sat herself down on the deep window ledge. She put pen to paper;

Doctor,

You came crashing into my life when I was a wee girl, and you haven't left my head since. You rescued me. You rescued me from the crack in my wall, and then from something much more scary. You made my life bearable. I never wanted to be normal and you were the answer to my prayers and wishes, and I miss you. I miss you more than I can say. You bastard. You promised you'd come back. I don't know where you are, or when you are, but I hope every day that you'll be back like you said.

Sometimes when I'm alone, I find myself picturing your face. Your ridiculous floppy hair, and your bowtie. I think about the night you took me away. I took off my engagement ring and ran . And I was happy. I forgot I was getting married in the morning, and you made me feel like I'd never felt before. I saw that I could have the whole world, that you could give me the whole of time and space

Amy put down her pen for a moment and looked up. She had had the whole of time and space at her fingertips. And now….now she was Mrs Williams, and "mummy", and bored. Her fingers clasped around the pen and her knuckles went white as she put everything she had into not letting tears spill out from beneath her eyelids.

and that's when I fell in love with you. I never wanted to let you go.

I love Rory. But not enough. He was right, it's you. It's always been you, Doctor.

That night when you took me home, I kissed you and my whole world was thrown up in the air. And then every time we snuck away in the TARDIS to a secret room where nobody would find us even if they were looking. And that once in the swimming pool….

A creak upstairs made Amy jump and she froze. She sat listening and perfectly still until eventually she was confident that she was safe.

I can still imagine your lips on mine, your hands in my hair. I can feel your muscles move beneath my fingers as I take off those stupid braces and unbutton your shirt. Your hands

Amy shivered, but she wasn't cold. The goosebumps up her arms and across her chest were something else entirely.

move from my hair to my neck to my breasts. I remember it all. The smell of your neck, the low moan in the back of your throat as I ran my fingers along the waistband of your trousers. The way your chest would rise and fall above me when I dropped to my knees. The way you tasted. Your wonderful, wonderful fingers… your tongue. I can still feel everything.

Her own fingers found the waistband of her trousers and dove beneath it, beneath the cotton of her knickers. Behind closed lids, she saw the Doctor looking up at her, his eyes wide as he licked and sucked, lapping at the wetness running down her thighs. He nipped the creamy white skin on the inside of her leg with his teeth and she moaned. The sound came out, low and sensual, from her own mouth. Her eyes snapped open, paranoid about her loss of control, although she knew that she was alone. Again she allowed her eyes to drift closed and her left hand went up underneath her loose white shirt. She caressed her breast with soft fingers, all the while imagining the Doctor's firm touch. She was beginning to gasp, struggling to take steady breaths. Another creak upstairs and she jumped. She hastily withdrew her hands and flushed deep red. She rubbed her hands quickly on her jeans and picked up her pen once more.

But you're gone, and Rory's here. And I can't get you back, no matter how hard I wish.

All my love,

Your Amelia

Amy stared at the page. She sat transfixed for many minutes before a wave of shame hit her. It nearly bowled her over, gripping at her heart and making her stomach churn. Rory. She had Rory, she loved Rory. He was her husband, her childhood sweetheart and her protector. It was him who had always been there when the Doctor was not, and it was Rory who was upstairs now in her bed, waiting for her. Amy stood slowly and began ripping the paper down the middle. She turned the page and did the same again. Again and again and again she ripped her letter until the pieces were miniscule. Then, she pulled opened the sash window and opened her hand, letting the pieces flutter out into the night. Again she put her forehead to the glass, lost in thought, drowning in guilt.

"Mummy?" Amy span around so quickly she nearly lost her footing. Her flame haired little girl stood in the doorway, staring at her with worried blue eyes. "Mummy I had a bad dream."

Amy's heart swelled as she knelt down in front of her daughter and took her small hands in her own.

"You're alright poppet," she kissed her forehead. "You know, when I was a wee girl, I had an imaginary friend who used to take all my bad dreams away. He was called the Raggedy Doctor."

"And he helped your bad dreams?"

"He scared away all the monsters."

"But he was just pretend?"

Amy's voice trembled as she continued, "Yes poppet. But it's okay, because you have a mummy and a daddy to scare away the monsters for you, so we don't need him anymore." With that she wrapped her arms around the little girl and lifted her onto her hip. She flicked off the light and headed to the stairs. "Come on honey, let's get you back to bed." She willed the tears not to fall.