The day of Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore's funeral, Harry Potter took the Hogwarts Express back to London, where the Dursleys picked him up, and they returned to Number Four Privet Drive. Harry spent five days there, safe from Dumbledore (he was alone, and rather despondent). Harry Potter mistakenly believed that the wizarding world would be able to survive five days without the amazingly shocking presence of a sixteen-year-old wonderchild to protect them.

Harry Potter, for the very first time in his extremely amazing life, was wrong.

During the five days that Harry spent listening to college indie music in his dark, gloomy bedroom and refusing to bathe, a number of rather unpleasant things happened.

(And it was all Harry James Potter's fault.)

This is what happened… :

Ron died of an allergic reaction to pumpkin juice. Experts can only blame the excessive amount he had drunk at Hogwarts in previous years.

Hermione was kidnapped by Grawp, who took her away to a cave in the mountains, calling her "Wifey Herm." She lasted three days before being crushed to death and/or having an allergic reaction to pumpkin juice (the jury's still out on this one).

Harry received a letter from his long-dead mother.

(She's still long dead, though. It was a postal delay- incidentally, it was delivered to an online author known as "Severitus," who possessed the letter for several years before passing it on. Thirteen years later. Yes, there were still three years of delay).

Sirius was not, in fact, dead. He traveled through time and space, landed in 1989, decided not to go back to the UK to save Lily and James from a terrible fate, but forsook most magic, changed his name to Kurt Cobain and sang in a band called Nirvana. He still died, though.

Hogwarts attempted to add a new House, having decided that some children simply weren't interested in any form of work or attempts at progress, and preferred to just get high and play 60's oriented music. The Ozzy House was disbanded after all of the owls' heads were bitten off.

In an inexplicable turn of events, the Weird Sisters became the Weird Brothers.

Nothing bad happened to Snape. He actually returned to Hogwarts and became Headmaster. Seriously.

Lord Voldemort opened a puppy orphanage. All of the puppies were Horcruxed. Harry later had to kill them all, one by one.

Harry ate a spider in his sleep. But he didn't know that.

Ginny Weasley and Luna Lovegood wrote a book together called, "Liasons with Harry Potter: Boy Who Lived (to make girls crazzzy)." It was a best seller. Tom Riddle bought a copy. He thought it was simply fabulous. Harry received no payment for this, though it was adapted into a series of movies, where Harry was played by that guy from Equus.

Lord "Tom Riddle" Voldemort, finally given five days to relax, finally managed to write and record his opus magnum album titled "The Final Countdown (To Oblivion)." It was a break-out success (by "break-out success," we mean that all the guard at Azkaban were listening to it in the break room, and the prisoners escaped while the Dementors discovered their newfound love for neo-classical scat.)

All of the Death Eaters got to go home. Harry doesn't have a home.

The Whomping Willow was arrested for beating its wife, the Beech tree that Harry liked to study under. It made bail in under an hour. They divorced, and the Beech got to keep the Shrieking Shack. Nobody could figure out quite how that worked. The Whomping Willow mellowed out, grew flowers, and began writing country songs.

The letter that Harry got from Lily said:

Dear Harry,

Severus Snape is your true father. Lol pwnd. But truly, due to a complex situation, James Potter is not related to you at all. Your appearance will vanish the day you turn seventeen. You have a large nose, like your daddy. Also, when they talk about faces that only a mother can love, they aren't talking about your mother. But I'm dead, Harry.

I can't believe that Dumbledore could ever be friends with Gellert Grindelwald.

Lots of love,

Lily

The Leaky Cauldron finally spilled.

Daedalus Diggle was killed when the Knight Bus landed on top of him. He bled to death with his head in Ernie Prang's lap. Ernie wept gentle, salty tears, and carried Daedalus into the Knight Bus, where he laid him across the seats. He drove the bus into the Ministry, clear through the phone booth and down the tunnel, exited into the atrium, and held Daedalus's broken body above his head, saying, "THIS MAN WAS A HERO!"

Lupin died. But we don't really know why. It's not important, right?

Lord Voldemort finally got over his odd fear of a Pumpkin juice allergy, and drank it for the first time. It was fabulous.

Luna Lovegood was right about everything. Cornelius "Goblin-Killer" Fudge died of gum disease via the Rotfang Conspiracy, and Molly Weasley was stampeded by a rabid Crumple-Horned Snorkack being chased by a Heliopath. Also, Neville got eaten by Fluffy. Luna didn't call that.

Voldemort cut off Harry Potter's cable, so his moping was interrupted by Dudley demanding that Harry entertain him.

S.P.E.W. finally took off, via Ministry support. Unfortunately, the Ministry had actually thought it was an anti-vomiting society.

Rita Skeeter won a Pullitzer for the articles she wrote during Harry's fourth year.

Argus Filch and Madam Pince got married. Their child had black hair, and was raised in Muggle society. His career choices include: Evil Dark Wizard, Dark Wizard Who Is Still Basically Decent and Represents the Imperfection in Humanity but its Ability to Be Redeemed, and dentist. But what he really wants to do is direct.

Upon learning all of this, Harry drank about six-gallons of pumpkin juice. But he was completely fine.

Which sucks, because he's a Horcrux.

Author's Note: My brother and I were discussing different ridiculous situations that could follow the very end of book six. This happened.