DISCLAIMER: Olivia and all Law & Order characters and/or ideas are not mine (if they were, Kathy wouldn't have gotten pregnant and so on). No infringement intended.
This is a little vignette about Olivia's state of mind after Paternity. I wrote while listening to 'Broken', a song by Lifehouse. I thought it very appropriate.It will be a one shot.
Enjoy!
BROKEN
By bloodymary2
I'm so tired…
Long breaths have transpired since the time I laid my head against the pillow and now. I don't know the exact length, though. The alarm that usually sits on the nightstand, in my direct line of sight, is broken. Sometime in the past few days, it stopped working. And I found, that without the red numbers blinking back at me, I can relax a little more.
No seconds ticking in my head.
Doesn't mean I can relax enough to rest.
Sleep is light and fleeting…
My tired eyes, having already adjusted to the darkness, now trace the faint light dancing among the shadows of my quiet room. The shadows move; dance, always at the mercy of the fleeting light coming from the never resting streets below. I feel suspended. Waiting for the sun to gain the sky above the high buildings on the horizon. Waiting for another day to start and maybe, more importantly, for another day to end.
Time is passing too slowly, it seems.
I feel damaged…
It has become harder and harder, justifying the empty life I have been leading these past few years. I see the cracks of my body continue to widen and I can't help but notice the hollowness of the dark brown eyes reflected back at me every morning. I'm not whole and it's been such a long time that I am unable to pinpoint when I stopped living.
I'm falling apart…
My breathing is shallow and I have to remind myself not to think about it. Because, if I do, if I focus too much on the effort it takes to draw in each breath, I stop; the exhaustion that refuses to leave my body overcoming me completely. But, at the same time, lack of oxygen burns and it is in these small moments that I remember that I still live.
Dead people don't hurt like this…
And I find, in the pain constricting my chest, a small touch of healing. A little bit of extra strength my heart desperately seeks, so that I can continue holding on, just barely, but still, to the motions of the job that has become my everything. Without it, there is no meaning. And without some sort of meaning or direction, I would be left to drift. A dangerous thing for someone like me.
With nothing left to loose.
And the thing that scares me the most is that no one seems to realize just how close to the edge I have been standing and that my legs are no longer strong enough to support me. There was a time when my eyes had been an open book. Not anymore. So, the fear of loosing my balance is, by far, surpassed by the simple truth I have been trying to evade for such a long time now.
No one would be there to break my fall…
A chill raises up my spine and my entire body trembles. The comforter seems unable to hold onto the little warmth I have left. A siren screams in the distance and I burrow deeper into myself, desperate to get warm, to hide, to protect my solitude… I don't know. And, as a tear I can't control escapes my eye and caresses my cheek, I can't stop myself from mumbling quietly to the darkness; my only witness.
I'm broken…
And I'm not okay.
Not okay…
all comments and opinions are welcome. I know you are lazy (so am I, most of the time), but some words won't strain you too much...
please?