Of Unworthiness and Hate (and the Love in-between)
"Don't cry,
We all make mistakes from time to time.
Unfortunately, for me,
Being me was mine."
Another Sad Song - Lower than Atlantis
„Annie, you there?"
A quiet voice asked with a hopeful undertone, unconsciously knowing that there wouldn´t be an answer, not here in his personal hell, where absolutely no one would ever help him, would be there for him. Finnick tried to open his eyes halfheartedly trying but failing to keep the beautiful image his dream had conceived alive. Annie wasn´t here.
When he thought about it, it was just ironic, that here in the Capitol where everything was disgusting and awful his dreams were filled with colours, the sea, the beauty of life (and Annie, Annie, Annie everywhere): all the things he loved by heart.
Whereas during the short times he was allowed home, his dreams turned into nightmares filled with death, destruction and (the worst:) utter hopelessness. It felt like the universe was holding a personal grudge over him, trying and succeeding in turning his life into hell. Solely the small glimpses with her at the beach, with her laughing, smiling, singing to him were what kept him alive.
As Finnick´s thoughts were dark whenever he had to be in the Capitol (his personal hell) he realized another ironic thing: the feeling of being entirely alone and feeling lonely while always being surrounded by people, who were despite coming from this place still (repulsive, fake, terrible) human beings, right?
He tried to stop his brain from thinking of Annie, not wanting to desecrate her memory by thinking about her here, but he just couldn´t help himself wondering, how she could sympathize with them. Despite of everything they did to her, she was still absolutely convinced by all her heart, that they were good, that everyone was, even - God forbid – Snow.
She was way too good for them, for him and this whole goddamn horrible world. Just thinking of her hurt, remembering what had happened the last night he saw her, an image he tried so badly to forget, which he could at night during these delightful wonderful dreams.
Finnick knew that Annie couldn´t understand his hunger (the only thing the Hunger Games ever released in him) for revenge, his hate for the world and his vision of uprising, rebelling, revolting against a system that had destroyed him and hurt her so badly. But - being the kind person she was she never judged him for it although in her position she definitely should - especially after what happened in the last night before his departure.
Finnick couldn´t fathom how he had been able to hurt his beloved Annie - even while sleeping. He couldn´t get her scared look out of his memory, didn´t want to imagine what it must have felt like – waking up with the hands of your lover around your neck, strangling you to death and probably looking like someone who enjoyed it (he couldn´t even remember who he had strangled in his dream). When Finnick had finally snapped out of his trance like dream Annie had already stopped trying to fight him, turned an awful shade of purple and slowly losing consciousness. Realizing what he had done, he immediately let her go and tried to keep her head up muttering apologies, whose content couldn´t even come close to the apologies, the guilt, the self-hatred he felt inside.
"Oh God, Annie, I am so sorry I never meant to, I don´t how this could –", before he could finish his attempts at redemption (selfish bullshit), Annie hat slowly come back to her senses, coughing with tears rolling down her cheeks and suddenly got up rushing to the balcony, where he listened to her crying for a while not being able to get up and looking into her (most beautiful, incredibly green, diamond-like) eyes knowing what he had done and unsure of what he would see in them. He knew it was a totally asshole-move to leave her there alone, but he was just so afraid that she would finally see what he really was and leave him for good, he couldn´t get his shit together, slowly realizing that (something that hadn´t happened in a long time) tears of his own escaped his eyes.
After a while the crying from outside, that had mixed with the sound of the waves coming from the ocean into an incomprehensibly sad, mournful sound, stopped and Annie came back inside (why didn´t she run away from him, knowing now what kind of monster he was?, Finnick thought) looking at him with these incredible eyes and after seeing what state he was in and noticing the guilt in his eyes running to the bed and closing her (soft, loving) arms around him, trying to silence his crying.
"Oh Finn, it´s alright, I know it was just a dream and I am sorry for running away, God knows I have done worse while having nightmares…"
Hearing that, realizing he (this awful, unworthy of life creature) actually managed to make her feel bad after what he did, made Finnick cry even harder (and hating himself more).
"Oh Finn, please stop crying, I love you, do you hear? Nothing will ever change that.", she said in such an adoring voice, looking up at him with nothing but pure love shining in her eyes.
"I don´t deserve you. You should leave me." Finnick managed to bring out (but really fearing what her response would be).
"I won´t ever leave you, do you hear me? And besides - I am the crazy girl, no one wants remember?", she answered coughing up a dry laugh, Finnick knew just too well.
"Don´t say that! You Annie Cresta are the sanest person and best human being I know for reacting the way you do instead of growing cold and hateful like we all do – turning against the people we love the most.", Finnick said in a muffled voice, looking away from her.
"I know you still try to see the good in me but do you really think I didn´t just see the fear in your eyes. Fear of me?"
Annie didn´t answer directly, but when she did her words were chosen well: "Finnick Odair, I know you better than you know yourself and please believe me when I say that you are so good and caring and loving and I could never be afraid of you. This just now wasn´t the real you, it was what the Games tried to ignite in you and what happens to come to the surface ones in a while like it does with me, but it isn´t who you really are, it really isn´t!"
Finnick couldn´t look at her (and see the forgiveness he so desperately wanted but never would deserve in her eyes) slowly standing up and muttering, "I should leave, my train´s coming in a few hours and I shouldn´t be late."
Seeing the absolute sorrow in her eyes he ones again knew what kind of evil bastard he really was.
Here in the Capitol (sleeping besides Capitol-whores, looking up at Capitol ceilings, smelling Capitol-perfume) Finnick couldn´t wait to see Annie again, but he also knew that he had to get better, that he could never never never hurt her like that again and all the while he feared that he had gone too far, that she would finally turn her back on him (as she should) and be with someone who deserved her (not that there really was anyone alive who did).
After taking a long shower, trying and failing at his attempt to scrape off the traces of his weeks in the Capitol, Finnick was allowed to go home at last.
He hadn´t been this nervous since her Games he thought while biting his nails (a habit that didn´t agree with his character at all) and running his hands through his infamous hair continuously. When he arrived at the train station of District 4, he took a moment to breathe in the salty, unbelievably calming smell of the sea. Then he began his way down to the victor village and despite knowing that Annie couldn´t possibly know that he would come home today he still felt a small pang at his chest of loneliness as no one was there to pick him up from the station.
The walk to Annie´s – formerly his and now their - house proved itself to be harder and longer than it usually was (when she was with him).
She opened the door before he could even knock and smiled at him (in the way that made him believe in something good).
"I missed you.", she muttered and seeing the slight insecurity in her eyes absolutely broke his heart (knowing that he was the reason for it).
"I missed you too. More than you can imagine!", he answered honestly and in the cold unforgiving night Finnick Odair embraced his love, finally feeling at home.