"Why? Why?"
His words rang in my head over and over.
I replay that night, again and again.
-Perhaps to the point of insanity, my complete, absolute insanity.
"I don't have your open heart."
My words tugged at the loose pieces in my soul- the pieces that I broke for my self.
"I know, I know."
He had promised 30, or 40, or 50 years.
He had admitted, that he knew from the beginning, that he was in love with me.
I remember how defeated he looked, so lost, gone… That alone destroyed my perfectly constructed barriers, the rest, and I felt everything, more clearly then I ever have.
"I gotta move on- I gotta find someone who's gonna love me in 30 0r 40 or 50 years."
Then he accepted my argument, so easily, it took everything, all the control inside of me, to hold back what I really meant, why, the real reason.
"Can we still work together?"
I barely chocked out instead.
He looked at me, and I heard a crack- something had snapped, finally. The dam broke.
Had he known the outcome of his own argument? Is that why he gave up? He wanted to avoid insanity? Were we insane?
I could barely look at him, my emotions crashing down. There was no if, no eventually. This was real. It was happening now.
This is our last chance- we are already 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1 year overdue.
We are gone, and with my last pathetic nod, it is over.
"I know."
Sometimes when I think of this conversation, I rewind it, I split it apart. I think from a new perspective.
The outcome is always the same.
It's over. Everything. And it's my fault.
It's not that no one else can love me- it's not that I can't love another, or even that I can't live without him- that is why he stayed.
It's that we were meant to be. It's that we are meant to be- Fate, destiny.
And there's nothing my rational mind can do to deny the pure, honest fact.
I love him, and I will love him for as long as I live.
It's because we know he outcome is always going to be the same, and he knew, and knows, that it's impossible, nearly, for me to accept love. For me to show…
I missed my moment of change, and now we both will torture each other till the end of time, with the outcome.
The inevitable outcome.
We both knew, right from the beginning. We knew, and we flew higher. The higher we flew, we knew the harder it would be to come down.
Well, I'm down, and he's in denial.