So, this is completely different from any fanfic I have read and I am nervous about posting it. It is an idea I have been toying around with for a while now, and have only recently decided to post. Hopefully, you will appreciate it for what it is; a lamentable tragedy examining the depth of true love and the prospect of life without it.
The idea for it came after listening to one of the tracks from the third movie, which is also the title of my story, Heavy in Your Arms by Florence and the Machine. (If you haven't heard it yet, stop what you are doing and listen to it now... for the love of God!) The lyrics moved me, and made me wonder what a love that heavy would do to a person. How would they be able to cope with the thought of living without it?
My thoughts immediately went to the couple for whom the song was written...
And this is their story.
Side note: This takes place after twilight... New Moon, eclipse and Breaking Dawn never happening... and 70 some-odd years later.
It will answer the question, 'What if Bella wasn't able to convince Edward to change her and she goes through life as a human - frail and aging?'.
Please don't hate me...
Heavy in Your Arms
"Sleep now, my love."
My words float from lips that ache to kiss her, as I hold her sleeping body so close to mine.
I could crawl inside this body, this vessel that holds all of my love and adoration, and die if God would allow it. But, as my cold skin causes her flesh to raise, I am reminded that death for me is hopeless and God, for that very reason, is not on my side.
I watch her bosom rise and fall with her shallow breaths, and inhale the sweet sigh that leaves her mouth.
"La tua cantante," I hiss, as her scent sings to me, just as it always has.
I am attracted like a moth to a flame and it burns me just as fierce. The fire it ignites, seers a hole in my soul and fills it full of sorrow and regret.
How could I have been so naive as to think this day would never come?
It could have been changed... She could have been changed.
It is the 12th day of September, only one day before my sweet Bella's 90th birthday, and very likely the last day of her life. It has been nearly five months since I last fed and I am as weak as she. It does not matter. I can only wish for death while she waits for it, knowing it is inevitable and fast approaching.
I have not left her side, ignoring her pleas for me to hunt. There is no point.
What would be the purpose of sustaining a life that is without reason?
She is the only reason my life is worth living. She is the only reason my life is worth...something. With her, I am needed. With her, I am wanted. With her, Oh God, how I am loved.
When she is gone, I will be nothing... but a lonely vampire, roaming aimlessly through the darkness of eternity with only the bittersweet memory of my angel to light the way.
She moves, resting her head upon my chest, as I comb my fingers through her course gray hair, once vibrant and beautiful brown. She is dreaming. Of what, I do not know. I can only pray it is peaceful. For lately, she has been haunted by dreams of abandonment and desolation, which ironically, will soon be my fate.
I am unsure if it is hallucination caused by the madness that is slowing consuming me, or if I am actually sleeping; my first real slumber in nearly two centuries. Regardless of the inducement, I have been... dreaming.
Last night, as I lay unmoved beside my beloved, my eyes began to close and the welcomed illusions moved effortlessly through my mind. Though my memory of it is vague, the face I remember is as vivid as the body I hold now. It was Bella, young and vibrant, her skin like porcelain and her eyes as feral as mine. She was vampire, a hunter of blood and a bearer of life eternal.
I couldn't help but wish it were real. That instead of lying here beside her withering body, I was embracing her immortality without the hindrance of my strength or her frailty.
Damn my selfishness! Damn my self-pity!... Damn her humanity!
A glance at her sleeping form, and she is just as beautiful as the day we met... the day I almost killed her.
What if I had? What if my desire had won over my control, and I had ended her life then and there? Would it have been any less devastating then the thought of losing her now?
"No," I breath, as I let my mind wonder back to that defining afternoon, over seventy years ago when I finally met, face to face, with destiny.
Alice has since admitted that she saw her coming, and looking back now, I can recall the feeling of unease as I walked the halls listening to the others thoughts about the new girl that had arrived at school. Their words sat me on edge, gnawing at my subconscious, telling me that the life I had become so accustomed to the last 90 years of my existence, was about to change.
But nothing could have prepared me for the change itself, coming in the form of a beautiful brunette with a face of an angel and the body of a god.
Even as I stared into her bottomless brown eyes, choking on the temptation of her blood, I tried to understand what it was that drew me to her so incessantly.
I can remember asking the heavens, "Who is this girl that causes such chaos in my head, who's sweet blood sings to me, who's luscious lips call to me, and who's knowing eyes shake me to my core?"
It did not matter. For at that moment I knew she would be mine, and I would do everything in my power to make it so.
Bella's grip tightens on the front of my shirt, and I am back in the present, listening to her cough and gasp for air. Her suffering is my suffering. And as I pull her trembling body closer, I pour into her every ounce of strength I have left, willing her to fight the darkness that threatens to steal her away.
"Edward?" Her voice is weak, as she attempts to raise her trembling hand to my face.
"Shhh... I am here, my love," I reassure her, putting her mind at ease, and laying her fears to rest.
She smiles sleepily and rests her head once again on my chest.
"Have you fed?" she inquires, holding her breath in anticipation of my answer.
My throat is burning with hunger, reminding me of just how long it has been, as I swallow back the flames that are preventing me from answering her redundant question.
"Yes," I whisper, trying to hide the quiver in my voice that reveals me for the liar I am.
She does not need to hear the truth, nor do I want to admit it.
The truth is, that I have succumbed to exhaustion, only moving when beckoned. My vision is blurring and my body is withering to bone. Yet it is but a small price to pay to be here, by the side of my beloved, to hold her until her last breath.
For me to give up something so insignificant as food, is a meager atonement, considering all the things she has sacrificed for me. Because of me, she has given up the chance to have children, the opportunity to grow old with someone, and the peace that comes from knowing that someone will be joining her in the afterlife that is her destiny.
I silently curse myself for being unable to give her the reassurance of knowing that when my time comes, we will meet once again in heaven. For even if I am blessed with death, I am neither blessed with salvation nor the soul it takes to be saved. The only comfort I can offer is the promise that I will not leave her side, and she will not be alone as she slips into the unknown.
I take her hand, unable to ignore its feebleness, running my eyes along the pattern of veins that lie dangerously close to her thin and weathered skin.
"So Human." The bitterness in my voice can not be hid, nor the regret I feel for allowing her to rot away like this.
How could I have let this happen? What was the reasoning behind my irrational decision to keep her this fragile little human.
After stumbling through a centennial alone, I finally found someone to share the rest of my forever with, and now, because of my ignorance, I am about to lose her. I am the only one who could have prevented this. The power to save her, lie solely in my hands, yet the one thing she had ever asked from me... I could not give her.
Why?
My eyes close.
In an instant, I am back in the small familiar bedroom of her childhood, reliving the moment I made the decision that sealed her fate... and mine.
Her lips taste like honey under my tongue, while my hands slide over skin just as smooth. It is one of the many nights that I have crept through her window with the intentions of staying the night, and yet again, find myself pushing my control to its limits.
I feel her grip tighten in my hair as the chasteness of the moment is broken, along with the carefully crafted line that I have drawn between us.
My senses are overwhelmed with her; an overload of sight, smell and taste. My head is telling me to pull away, but my arms will not release her. Her body is too warm, too inviting to let go.
Just as I convince myself that she is not in danger and I am in control, her tongue plunges deep inside my mouth, sending me over the edge.
The growl that rips from my chest is fierce and brutal, a warning of sorts, to remind her of the amount of restraint it is taking me to fight my desires... both of them.
If she only knew the conflict, the never ending battle I struggle with daily, between my want for her body and my need for her blood. Surely, she must see the constant tug-of-war between the monster and the killer that threatens her very being. Yet, she provokes them intentionally, seducing them with her touch, luring them with her sex, putting herself within hand's reach of the predators that dwell within me.
My greedy fingers dig into the pillowy flesh of her hips; the monster begging for her purity, the killer begging for a taste.
I throw her back onto the bed and hover my body between her legs.
Never... not once in my one hundred and eighty some-odd years, have I felt such turmoil as this, drowning in her scent and the warmth of her body.
My arms and legs begin to tremble under the enormity of what I am thinking of doing, and I am... terrified.
I was created to be unbreakable, my invincibility legendary... Yet, when I am with her I am powerless; her love my weakness, stripping me bare and bringing me to my knees.
I try and stifle my frustration, expelling a strangled sob into the crook of her neck, when I am met by the pulse of her blood, rushing beneath her skin.
Here she lies, spread out before me; so beautiful, so trusting, so oblivious to the danger that is staring her in the face. I want to scream, "Run... get out now!" but I can not, for I am essentially a selfish creature.
"Edward..."
My head raises from her neck at the sound of my name, and I look into her eyes for the strength to pull away... though it is futile. I can only watch distractedly, as her eyes focus on my mouth, and her tongue runs hungrily over her lip. I am lost, mesmerized by her enticing mouth, as gravitation draws me to her.
My lips mold to hers and I savor the taste, lapping at the tang of her blood that lies just beneath the soft pliable skin. It is like the sweetest wine to a drunkard, affecting both my body and my mind.
Carefully, I lower my body on top of hers, female to male, fire to ice, as our kisses become savage and untamed.
I notice, for the first time in my immortal life, I am no longer hungry for blood. The burn of hunger, that has plagued me for so many years, moves from my throat to my gut as she presses her hips into mine.
Suddenly, I feel as though I am on the verge of falling into a million pieces at her feet and I instinctively meet her, thrust by aching thrust.
I have never felt anything so overwhelming, not even with my first taste of blood as a newborn. This is all so new, so confusing, so exciting that I can not stop.
The killer, for now, is quiet, while the monster spurs me on.
My hand travels down the inside of her thigh and forcefully pushes her leg higher to rest on my him, settling into her further.
I hiss at the heat, the delicious heat from her core, that is seeping into the denim of my jeans, threatening to meld us into one.
My eyes close and all I can think is, "I want more", as I begin moving against her at a slow and steady pace.
My thoughts are getting foggy, and I feel my control slipping.
"NO!" I scream in my head, and before I am able to find the will to pry myself from her desperate embrace, her lips trail down my jaw to my neck where I feel her teeth clamp down on the unyielding skin where my pulse would be... should be.
The killer gnashes his teeth and waits his turn.
"Ahhhh, Bella. You are overestimating my self-control." I do not recognize the voice that resonates from within me, but its warning can not be missed.
As dangerous as this is, I can not stop my body from reacting to her every move, finding myself growing harder with every new sensation.
My mouth moves to her neck, my nose running along her jaw. Before I realize what I am doing, my teeth scrape lightly against her pulsing flesh as my tongue laps at her skin with fervor.
She tastes... exquisite.
"I want to feel you," she breathes, her hand moving underneath my shirt, and her fingers dipping inside the waist of my jeans.
My body tenses at the reality of what is happening, the fog slowly lifting from my consciousness as the meaning behind her words suddenly become clear.
Just as her fingers graze over me, causing me to twitch and throb with her touch, I grab her wrist and halt her movement, ignoring the monster as he curses his shackles and screams out her name.
"Bella..." I swallow deeply and my eyes close, trying to regain what little humanity I have left. "Stop."
"Edward... Please." Her voice is desperate, and I am remorseful and ashamed of my weakness.
"I... I... I can't." Quickly, I release the ironclad grip I have on her wrist and remove myself from between her legs; my icecold skin missing the warmth from her body almost immediately.
I can only watch regretfully, as she moves away from me, rolling on her side to face the wall.
The silence is thick and uncomfortable. I want to reach out to her, to hold her, but I am afraid of myself and what I might do.
"Can I ask you a question?" Her voice is soft and hesitant.
I stay silent, preparing myself for her query, already knowing what she will ask and dreading the answer I have to give.
With a long inhale, her attention still focused on the wall in front of her, she asks, "Which is tempting you more, my blood... or my body?"
The answer was simple, though admitting it was not.
"Both." I close my eyes, disgusted with myself and the truth being said out loud.
At that moment, I hate myself and curse what is my life. There is just enough human in me to call me a man, but not enough to satisfy her the way she needs to be... the way she deserves to be. As much as I wish I could, there is always the chance that the monster will break free... or worse... the Killer.
"Then change me." Her voice is stern and certain as she sits up to face me, staring at me with conviction. "It's the only solution."
"That is not a solution. It is a tragedy." How could she ask for such a thing?
"Edward, it's the only way. I love you. Is it so wrong to want to be with you forever... In every sense of the word?"
I can not help but smile at her statement. Of course it is not wrong, but what it would take for that to happen... is.
"Bella, it's not that simple." I move to sit by her side, pulling her hand to my chest. "I know the consequences of the choice you are making."
Her eyes narrow and her jaw sets with anger. "The consequences? What... to never age, to live forever, to never know death... or separation from you? Doesn't sound so bad."
"Yes... And while you are frozen at seventeen, everyone you love will continue to age and eventually die. You will end up resenting me and hating me, and I can't let that happen."
I reach out for her and pull her into my lap, resting against the headboard of her bed. "There is a fate that is worse than death, Bella, and I will not condemn you to it. I can't stand the thought I losing you, living in a world where you don't exist. But for me to take your life... That is not an option."
Looking down at our entwined hands, she shakes her head, and in barely a whisper she sighs, "You're not going to want me when I look like a grandmother."
How can she say such a thing, knowing how I feel about her? She is everything to me and it kills me to have to live with the truth that one day she will be gone and I will once again be alone.
I take a deep breath and exhale, blowing out my frustration. "Do you not understand my feelings for you at all?"
Her shame is evident, her focus shifting from our hands to her lap.
The fact that she will not look at me, makes me anxious. I have to see her, look in her eyes, make her see in mine all the love and affection I have for her.
I pull her chin up with my fingers, forcing her to look at me and to listen. "Bella, I am here, as long as you will have me. Is it not enough to live a long and happy life together?"
She is silent, her eyes never leaving mine.
Finally, after looking as though she is debating an arguement, a soft smile breaks out across her face. "Yes," she answers, quickly adding, "For now."
My eyes flutter open.
Soft loving fingers run along my cheek while a sweet, but solemn, melody is hummed in my ear.
It is Bella, reclining against the headboard, looking tired and weary.
"You were sleeping?" she whispers hoarsely, running her fingers along the sunken skin around my eyes.
I shift my gaze from her to the bed, hiding the guilt I feel while I think of a suitable lie.
"No love, only thinking of you," I admit, leaving out the fact that my starvation has incited a necessity for sleep while evoking a sort of dream-laced madness that is making it impossible to decipher what is real and what is not.
Taking a deep breath, I pull myself up to join her, leaning in to gently kiss her forehead. "How are you feeling?"
She smiles at me weakly, telling me she is no better, but no worse.
I watch her closely, as her twisted hands grasp the photo album sitting by her bedside. She turns the first page, smiling at a picture of us that was taken at her 20th birthday. She is beautiful, radiating contentment, surrounded by friends and family... including my own.
"Do you remember when this was taken?" she asks, still gazing at the picture with fondness.
Looking at it, remembering the night and what had taken place, I can not help but smirk at her while I answer, "Of course I do. How could I ever forget?"
For it was that night, alone in my room after bidding the guests and my family farewell, that we had made love for the first time; the first of many, and most memorable of all.
I am scared, unsure of myself and my ability to please her and still maintain my control.
Cursing my vampire's strength and virgin's inexperience, I sit on the bed, waiting for her to come to me.
Bella is so sure of us, so sure of me, that nothing will detour her from getting what she wants; what I have promised her for the last year.
"Don't be afraid," she says walking to me and joining me on the bed. "We belong together."
She is so calm, so confident in our love for one another, that she purposefully puts herself in harm's way just to prove it. And at that moment, I believe her.
She reclines back on the bed, taking my hands and bringing me down with her.
I rest on shaky hands and shaky knees, hovering above her, hesitant of my next move.
"Bella, I said we would try and I will keep my promise. But if I hurt you, you have to tell me. That will be your promise to me."
With a nod of her head, she reaches for my neck and brings her mouth to mine. "I promise," she whispers with each kiss. "I promise, I promise, I promise."
"Ahhh..." I moan, my body collapsing on hers in defeat, as her heat engulfs me in flames.
It is a blur of hands, arms, skin and...sex; raw, pure, passionate sex that sends me to new heights and I am lost to the world.
My fingers slide effortlessly along her naked body, her skin like the finest silk, my hands easy and gentle.
She is wet for me, slick and warm, begging for friction and needing it now.
I take a deep breath, and losing myself in her moans and pleas, I slowly dive into her smoldering heat.
I feel as though I am burning alive from the inside out, though it is the sweetest pain I can remember feeling. More intense than the vampiric burn of hunger, and more pleasurable than my first taste of blood.
"Bella, look at me. I need to see you."
Her eyes open slowly, and I brace myself for what I will see, of what secrets they hold.
Is it painful, or is it a welcomed burn, being fused together to be made whole?
As I look into her eyes, all I can see is her unconditional and insurmountable love for me.
"Perfect," she sighs, bringing her legs up and around my waist.
"I love you so much, my sweet Bella."
We begin rocking into one another, moving cautiously, testing the undulating waters that we have immersed ourselves in.
Her sweet sounds are unhindered, loud and free, showing me what she wants and telling me what she needs.
It takes all I have not to slam into her. Though the way she is pulling at me, desperate to crawl under my skin, I do not think it would be unwelcome.
My pace begins to quicken, and my muscle begin to tense.
"Yes, yes, yes..."
Bella's chants urge me forward, thrust after thrust after thrust, until... I explode, screaming out her name in a fit of orgasmic passion. And she is there with me, riding out the wave of her own ecstasy, pulling me into her and holding me still.
"Oh... God!"
I wake to an odd silence, the room quiet and void of any sound.
Something rests in my hand. And as I run my thumb over its surface, I feel the familiar arthritic bones of the hand I have come to know so well.
"Isabella..."
There is nothing.
"Isabella?"
Something is wrong.
I am cold, freezing for the first time since we have lived in this small cottage in the woods. There is no heat from the hearth where Bella sits and keeps herself warm, burning the aromatic logs from the Red Cedar trees that I chop for her. There is no heat from our wood burning stove, where she prepares her meals, only to eat alone. But most discerning; there is no heat in our bed, no warmth coming from the body that has laid beside me every night for seventy three wonderful and indescribable years.
I jump to my feet, finding my strength along with Bella's cold, dead body.
I can't think, I can't move. All I can do and look down at my beautiful angel, and cry out her name.
"Beeeeellllllllllllaaaaaa!"
Then I collapse to the floor.
She is gone and now there is nothing left to live for... So I will not. I will wait for an end to a miserable life that is void of any meaning; the cottage my grave, its silence my epitaph.
... And time passes on.
I lie unmoving for days, possibly weeks, staring at her rotting flesh, missing her sweet blood's hungered sting.
Days turn into nights, a blur of light and dark, as I wait for an end that will never come.
...
There is a knock...
Not sure if it is hallucination, or if someone has stumbled upon my mausoleum and is standing at its door, I scream, "Go away..." The volume falls flat and soundless in my head.
Then I drift off into the dream-like state I have been lost in for God only knows how long.
"Edward..."
My eyes flutter open and the dark hair makes me momentarily lose all reasoning.
"Bella..." I sigh, reaching my hand up to the face that stares down at me, the features abstract and blurry.
"No brother. It is your sister, Alice."
Her gentle fingers smooth my hair from my face and lightly stroke my cheek.
Closing my eyes, wanting to cry and angry that I can not, I sigh, "She is gone."
Her features never alter, her eyes looking down at me knowingly, while she consoles me the best she knows how.
"Shhhhh. It will be alright, Edward. I will bring you back with me so that your family can mourn with you. You do not have to be alone."
Hearing the mention of my family, I raise my hand to pry her fingers from my face.
"Yes, Alice... I do. I deserve to be alone, just like she will be... wherever it is that angels go when their time on earth is done. I let her down, I let her die. And now, I must pay for my sin."
Alice shakes her head. "There was no sin here, Edward. Only love, unconditional and everlasting. You did what you felt was right, and no one holds that against you." Then taking a deep breath, she repeated, "No. There was no sin here."
If there was no sin, then why is God punishing me by allow me to stay alive, if that is what I am?
I roll on my side, away from Alice's pitiful face, pulling my knees to my chest.
"Please leave." I can not bare to look at her and see the sadness in her eyes.
Her hand is on my shoulder, while her voice raises in frustration.
"No, Edward, I will not! You can't sit here forever. You can't just give up and allow yourself to waste away to nothing."
She is almost screaming as I listen to her words, taking them in, finally realizating what I must do.
"You are right, Alice. I can not stay here... Or it will never be done."
I grab on to the bed, pulling myself up while taking another glance at my sleeping girl. My legs are weak, hardly enough strength to bare my weight, as I stand and begin making my way to our closet.
"Edward? What will never be done? What are you talking about?"
I do not answer. She would never understand. Her love for Jasper runs deep, but will never be as deep as my love for my Bella. She was my everything, my all, and with her gone it is as if my entire life never happened.
I pick up a bag, packing it with everything that has ever meant anything to me, everything that reminds me of her.
"Edward speak to me, please! What are you doing? Where are you going? Just come back with me. Esme is worried. We haven't heard from you since Bella..."
"LET. ME. BEEE!" I cut her off, screaming to the top of my lungs.
Her eyes widen, and her mouth closes.
"Let me be." My voice is softer now and more pleading. "Alice, no one should live as long as I have. No one should have to see all the things that I have seen in my lifetime." Picking up my bag, I declare, "I am done."
I walk past her and she grabs me by the shoulder.
"Where will you go?"
"Volterra..."
"Volterra?"
I watch as a she looks off in the distant, her eyes as vacant as my chest.
She knows...
"No, Edward. I won't let you do it! You're going to provoke the Volturi, aren't you?"
"It is the only way."
"Edward, please don't do this. I love you. Your family loves you. Think of us..."
My bag falls to the floor, as I rush to her, holding her in my arms.
"Enough, Alice... Enough. The only reason I continued this...life, is because of her. Now that she is gone, it is time. If you love me you will let me go."
I feel her desperate embrace tighten, then she pulls away.
Walking past me and toward the door, she suddenly turns around.
"When you see Bella again, tell her I miss her." Turning back toward the door, I hear her faint words, "If any of us have a soul, it is you my dear brother."
Then she is gone.
...
I gather my things, placing them on the table, before kneeling by our bed.
It looks as though she is only resting, as I wait for her to open her eyes and tell me goodbye.
But she does not...
I wrap my arms around her and pull her to my chest.
She seems so heavy in my arms, despite the absence of her soul that now resides in heaven, along side her mother and father.
The feel of her body is foreign to me, her skin more like mine than it should be.
"I will miss you my love, and I am sorry."
With one last kiss, I walked away from my life, my love, my forever.
I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown.
I was a heavy heart to carry
My feet dragged across ground
And he took me to the river
Where he slowly let me drown
My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall
I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
And is it worth the wait
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand
Protecting both your heart and mine?
Who is the betrayer?
Who's the killer in the crowd?
The one who creeps in corridors
And doesn't make a sound
My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall
My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall
I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy, heavy
So heavy in your arms
This will be my last confession
'I love you' never felt like any blessing
Whispering like it's a secret
Only to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart
I was a heavy heart to carry
my beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown
I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he had me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground
I'm so heavy, heavy in your arms.
Heavy, i'm so heavy in your arms.
Heavy In Your Arms by Florence and the Machine