Illusion
By Misha

Disclaimer- I don't own anything to do with "Veronica Mars", I really wish I did, but I don't. It belongs to Rob Thomas and the UPN. I'm not making any money off of this, so please don't sue me.

Author's Notes- This is just a short Veronica Mars piece that I started ages ago. Second person perspective, because when it comes to Veronica Mars for some reason that's my favourite medium. Enjoy!

Pairing- Duncan/Veronica.

Summery- You realize that the life you fought to get back was nothing more than an illusion.

Spoilers- Up to "Leave It to Beaver".

Rating- PG-13

You had this image in your head of what would happen when you solved Lilly's murder. You really believed that when that happened, life would suddenly be perfect again. Your dad would get his job back, your mom would come home, you'd get Duncan back and be welcomed back into the world of the 09ers.

Lilly wouldn't come back, even in the most perfect fantasy you knew it couldn't happen, but everything else would go back to normal. You also thought that maybe when you solved her murder, you wouldn't miss her as much.

Well, you've solved Lilly's murder, but life isn't perfect.

In fact, you've realized that perfect is just an illusion. Your dad did get his job back. You're glad, for his sake. He was vindicated, his name cleared, his reputation restored.

Still, he might have his job back and you guys have moved to a nicer place, but things aren't exactly as they once were. Not even close.

Your mom's not coming back. Of course, you kicked her out, so that's not much of a surprise. If life was perfect, then parents would certainly be perfect, and you know all too well that that's not the case.

You tell yourself that you're better off without her and a part of you even believes it, but a bigger part can't stop longing for what you had before. You don't want the mother that you ended up kicking out of your apartment, no you want the mother that you thought you had before all this started.

You have Duncan back. He showed up on your doorstep the night you discovered that Aaron killed Lilly and you welcomed him with open arms because he was Duncan.

You have him back, but it's not what it once was. You love him, but you're not sure that you love him the way you should love him. After all, a lot has happened since the last time you were together. You're not the girl you once were, but you think Duncan wants you to be. You want to be too, you want to pretend that none of it ever happened and that things were still perfect.

So you pretend that things haven't changed and you think he's pretending too, because you both just want it to be real. You want to be that couple again.

The 09ers welcomed you back, because of Duncan. You don't trust them and you know you'll never be able to. You play nice and sit at their table and eat the pizza or Chinese food that they order, but you don't like them and you know they don't like you. It's all pretend.

You kind of hate yourself for going along with it, but you do it anyway. You wanted this so badly, to belong again. Except you don't, not really. You're not one of them and you don't want to be one of them, not really.

You hate the idea that once you were like them, shallow and self-absorbed. You were also naive and blind, you saw only what you want to saw.

You realize that now. You got back the life you wanted and now you know you don't want it. Either everything has changed or you have and you know which it is.

Your mother was always an adulteress and an alcoholic. There were always too many secrets and lies and parents were never perfect. This town was always corrupt and money conscious. Duncan was always two-dimensional, sweet and kind, but with no depth. The 09ers were always selfish, vain, and shallow. Lilly was a bitch and a slut.

You see all that now, but back then you blinded yourself to it. You were different then. Sweet and naive, all pretty and pink and gentle.

Or maybe, Lilly was right and you were always strapless red satin, just waiting to show yourself. You do know that you can't go back, not really.

You can regain everything, at least on the surface, but it's not the same, becauseyou're not the same. Maybe nothing else has changed, but you have and that's all that really matters. It's also why you can't go back.

Besides, when it comes down to it, you don't really want to. You like the girl you've become. A long time ago you realized that you weren't that girl any longer, the one you had been before Lilly's death.

What you didn't realize then, was that that was a good thing. You don't want to be that girl. It's a hard realisation to come to. For so long, you've thought that you just wanted everything the way it was, but not you realize that that's no longer true.

You have no idea what you're going to do with your life now that you've made this realisation. You just know you can't go back.

You do know that sometime in the weeks or months to come, you'll break-up with Duncan. The only reason it'll take you so long, is because you've never wanted to hurt him and unlike you, he's content with what you have.

Duncan doesn't long for more, doesn't seem to realize that your sugar-coated love has no depth and it no longer has any real feelings. You're not the girl you were, so you can't love him the way you once did.

Or maybe you'll hang on to avoid Logan, because he's not the answer either. You might not love Duncan anymore, but that doesn't mean you should be Logan. That... Well, that was a disaster.

No, you need something beyond the memories of the past, beyond the shadows of your former life, you've changed and now its time for you to spread your wings and fly away from here.

Maybe you'll hang on to graduation, only a few months away, but when it comes you know you'll leave and that there'll be no looking back. You're not who you were and whoever you are now doesn't belong in Neptune.

Your dad will accept it, he saw it long before you did and he'll let you go, though you'll always remain close.

So you sit at the 09er table surrounded by the relics of your past life and secretly plot your escape. It won't be today or tomorrow, but it'll be soon. Soon you'll leave all this behind without a second glance, because this isn't your life anymore and it seems hard to believe that it ever was.

- The End