originally posted on ao3 like three days ago i'm just lazy lmao. thanks to my pal mary (erurisms on twitter/tumblr) for the idea and snowballing headcanons with me.
Erwin sits behind his desk, watches Levi read the letter. Levi's face is twisted in distaste, though Erwin suspects that has more to with the sender than anything else.
"Nile lives in Sina, doesn't he?" Levi says. His nose wrinkles at the name of the place.
"He has to, for the MP."
"He has to," Levi repeats, laden with derision. He falls silent again.
Erwin gets away with watching Levi like this, when he's distracted. Levi's sitting on the windowsill with one leg crossed, a cup of tea resting by his hip and steaming, fogging the orange autumn light behind it. Levi's fingers trail absent-minded on the rim of the cup as he reads, his eyes moving with the careful deliberation of someone who achieved full literacy later in life.
"So," Levi says, looking up. Erwin blinks and shifts his head, makes it seem like he was staring elsewhere. "You going or what?"
Erwin does look away now. "I always do. But with Marie there sometimes it's uncomfortable."
Levi fidgets at her name. He's the only one in the Survey Corps Erwin's ever told about her. It's a small relief every time Erwin gives a part of himself to Levi, who can hold the pieces of his past without mishandling them.
"Uncomfortable for her or for you?"
"Both, I suppose."
"Hm."
Levi picks up his tea, takes a sip as he leans back against the window. The glass looks cold but he doesn't flinch.
"Nile probably just likes showing off his perfect-ass life. He must think yours is miserable."
"Oh he does," Erwin says. His tone is light, but Levi doesn't look amused. "Okay, sometimes the showing off gets old. But we go back, and it's important to keep relationships between branches strong."
"Yeah, yeah. But it'd be nice if you had someone, wouldn't it? Just to shove it in Nile's ugly face."
Erwin hides a smile with his hand. It doesn't fool Levi, who continues in an imitation of Nile's sharp voice.
"Oh Erwin, isn't it tragic that my wife doesn't get to wipe your ass after you? Poor Erwin, how many times a day do you have to jerk yourself off? What do you do without someone breathing in your ear night after night, you miserable sap?"
Erwin laughs, his shoulders shaking, and likes how pleased Levi looks with himself.
"Ah," Erwin says when he gets his breath back. "That would be a change. Having someone to bring along so they don't feel like they have to baby me."
There's a knowing smile spreading over Levi's face, like he's seen a weak spot and knows just where to sink his blades.
"What if I found you someone?" he says. "Just for that weekend. Hell knows there's enough people tripping over you all the time, it wouldn't be hard."
Erwin scratches the back of his neck, trying not to be flustered by the comment.
"Hm. It'd have to be someone who knows me well enough to pull it off. These days that's just–"
Erwin breaks off, runs through his friends in his head, his coworkers, his old acquaintances. None of them come close to the way he's let Levi in, and he doesn't have to say it.
"Alright," Levi says. "Me then."
He slides off the windowsill, eyes alive and alert like Erwin hasn't seen since the last expedition. Then he speaks quickly, as if this were the opening he'd been waiting for all along.
"It'd be fun, wouldn't it?" Levi says. "I could sure as hell use some entertainment. And of course we'll tell him to keep it a big secret."
"I can't believe you're seriously suggesting this," Erwin says, awed by the nerve of it.
"C'mon, Erwin. Take me with you. Let me call you darling in front of Nile and watch his mustache squirm. You'd never be asked back there, I promise. Please?"
Erwin leans back in his chair, considering Levi at the window, who's poised like he's ready to fly.
"I have a hard time denying you anything. In that way we're practically married already."
Levi grins, full and open, and Erwin knows this is something no one else sees. He tries not to overthink it, with every other thought jumbling in his brain about what they're getting themselves into.
"Good answer." Levi starts toward him, and Erwin half rises to meet him. "No, sit down."
"Why?" Erwin asks even as he sits back in his chair, even as Levi advances close and hovers over him.
"If we're going to do this," he says, eyes fixed somewhere around Erwin's chin, "it shouldn't look like we've never even kissed before. Right?"
Levi glances up, and there's a guarded veil in his eyes Erwin hasn't seen in years. His throat runs dry alarmingly fast.
"Oh," he says. There's nothing to swallow but he does it anyway. "You must really want to mess with Nile."
It takes a second of hesitation, but Levi laughs. Then it's silent, and Erwin can hear leaves abandoning the trees outside.
"Guess so," Levi says with a tiny jerk of his head, as if he forgot what Erwin had asked.
His eyes are wider and his breath comes in short puffs against Erwin's face. Erwin doesn't have time to think about what it could mean before Levi leans closer, asks him if this is alright in words that buzz in Erwin's ears. He nods, then Levi braces his hands on Erwin's shoulders. When he presses his lips to Erwin's it's quick and dry and too light and Levi's hands are shaking.
"Hm," Levi says when he pulls back a moment later, still holding tight to Erwin's shoulders. "I don't see the fuss."
Levi's voice is steady but his blood beats like a butterfly wing against the skin of his neck. This close, Erwin can almost hear his heart. He puts a finger under Levi's chin, and it's enough to draw him back in for a better try.
There's a knock at the door and Levi springs back, several feet away before Erwin can blink.
"Commander, Squad Leader Zoe needs to speak with you as soon as possible."
"Thank you, Moblit," Erwin calls, and there's retreating footsteps from the other side of the door.
"You should let them know," Levi says, his back to Erwin.
"Who?"
"Hange. You should let them know when you're leaving, so they can take charge."
"Right."
It's like there's more air in the room again, and Erwin doesn't know what to do with it. Levi picks something microscopic from his hair, lets it go, then makes for the door.
"So I'll meet you outside Friday?" he says, pausing with a hand on the knob.
"I won't see you before then?"
Levi glances over his shoulder, raises his eyebrows. He doesn't say anything, because he rarely has to with Erwin. Then he's gone, and there's still orange autumn light in the room, the world braced on the cusp of change.
"Hey Nile," Levi says, watching him shake amiable hands with Erwin. "Or do they still call you Patchy up at the MP?"
Levi taps his chin once, indicating Nile's one patch of beard. Nile looks like he's beginning to regret this. Erwin looks like he's trying not to laugh.
Marie and Nile have three children, two old enough to catch onto Levi's insult and make it into a chant before they're in the door. This is all for Erwin's benefit, but Levi feels he'll getting the most enjoyment out of it.
"You must be Levi," Marie says when she introduces herself. There's a baby in her arms, which thankfully prevents her from trying to shake his hand or worse. "I've heard a lot about you, of course, but I never thought you'd be so–"
Then their eldest daughter barrels over her brother behind them, and it distracts Marie from making what might have been a height comment. Just as he's resigned himself to hate her, she hands the baby to Nile and sends him off to change diapers, which redeems her a little in Levi's eyes.
He still watches her with hunter-sharp eyes when she talks to Erwin after they all settle in. Levi watches for any signs, any lingering affection not snuffed out by years and distance.
"So how do you ever end up with whole weekends off?" Marie asks, her feet propped on a chair at the kitchen table. "I could hardly get you to take a day off, even when you were just a cadet."
Erwin laughs but he doesn't blush, doesn't stare at her. Levi's always had his suspicions, but he's beginning to think what was between them is locked in the past. His crossed arms loosen, just a little.
"Things are winding down for the winter," he explains. "All the reports are sent off and there's not much for me to do now. In fact our last expedition ended two weeks ago."
"What did you find?" She's too well-versed in the military to ask Did it go well?
"New traits, mostly," Erwin says. "Our chief scientist is interested in how the titans respond to different weather patterns, so late fall was a fine time for it."
"Zoe, right?" Nile asks. "Your scientist. Bit of a nutter, aren't they?"
"They're a genius," Levi says shortly. "One of our best."
Erwin takes his hand on top of the table, smooths his thumb once over Levi's knuckles, and it chases away the needling irritation.
Soon Marie asks Nile about dinner and Erwin takes the opportunity to lean close to Levi's ear, his nose brushing against Levi's hair.
"Can't wait to tell Hange you defended their honor," Erwin whispers.
"Do it and you'll die," Levi whispers back, and leaves a kiss on his cheek for Nile and Marie's benefit.
The air is a mix of city and country, a hint of the gas smell Levi's used to and more of a hay smell that's unfamiliar. He never likes being back in Sina and hardly likes being in Nile's company any better, but it's not all terrible.
He finds himself morbidly fascinated by Marie, who looks at Nile like she's bestowed with some secret light invisible to every other eye. She's still fond of Erwin but she's clearly in love with Nile, for all that it blows Levi's mind. It's in her eyes, unmistakable.
Halfway through the afternoon Levi wonders if anyone's ever caught him looking at Erwin like that, and he tries not to obsess about it.
The children take to them alarmingly fast and Levi's reminded of his own squad, their eager young faces. The eldest demands stories from Erwin and the middle one insists Levi show off his strength, which he does by letting the child hang off his shoulders and screech giggles in his ear while Levi helps Marie cut vegetables.
He doesn't get a moment alone until he's scrubbing his hands in the washroom, Erwin at the sink beside him.
"Nile asked me how we got together," Erwin says, wiping his own hands with a towel.
Levi looks up to see Erwin smiling like he has a secret.
"What did you say?"
"That you saved my life on an outing earlier in the year, and it made me see you in a new light. Thought it might give you a little favor in Nile's eyes."
"That'd take a fucking miracle," Levi says, but he smiles too. "How did I save you?"
"A titan grabbed me off my horse while I was distracted. I was on its tongue when you struck it down and you caught me before we could hit the ground, both of us covered in guts."
"How romantic."
Levi flicks the water from his hands at Erwin's face, then grabs the towel from him to dry off.
"He says he's happy for me," Erwin adds.
"He says," Levi repeats skeptically.
They go into the hall. Then Levi pauses, leans against a closet door and touches the back of Erwin's hand to stop him.
"Still," Levi says. "Must be a nice change. Him being happy for you, instead of sorry."
Erwin turns to him, smiles slightly like he hadn't considered it.
"Yes," he says, tone enigmatic in the way that drives Levi crazy. "This is nice."
Levi hears Marie ask Nile to fetch napkins, which he realizes are in the closet he's leaning against. Feeling far bolder than he did in Erwin's office earlier that week, Levi surges to his toes, throws his arms around Erwin's neck.
"Quick, kiss me."
Erwin makes a startled sound that's immediately muffled by Levi's mouth, and in the confusion it's more teeth than anything. Then Erwin responds magnificently, puts his hands on Levi's hips, pushes him back against the door. Erwin's thumbs find pressure points on his waist and Levi has to picture Nile's face to keep his heart from racing too fast.
Erwin's brushing his tongue across Levi's lower lip when Nile appears on cue, letting out a disgruntled sound that makes them both look up with mock surprise.
"Oh hey Nile," Levi breathes, letting his head fall back against the door and keeping his arms where they are.
"I, uh." Nile stares resolutely at the ceiling, as if hoping it will crack open on him. "I need to get in there."
"Oh, here?" Levi says innocently, glancing over his shoulder. "Sorry about that. Get off me, you lump, honestly I can't take you anywhere."
He shoves at Erwin's chest and they both step away to watch Nile gather enough cloth napkins for everyone. Levi goes to follow him when he leaves the hall but Erwin catches his wrist, pulls him backward.
"You can't take me anywhere?" Erwin says, low against the nape of Levi's neck, and there's the slightest press of teeth that makes Levi shiver back toward him.
"He's gone, knock it off," Levi growls, but he's grinning at the floor when Erwin lets him go.
Later Marie shows them to their room, and hesitates outside it.
"We didn't realize you were bringing company," she says, and Erwin notices the lift in her tone at the last word. "So there's only one bed. I hope that's not a problem."
"Of course it's not a problem," Levi says, sliding an arm through Erwin's and drawing him flush to his side. "Good night, Marie."
Erwin can't see Levi's face, and he isn't sure how, but it sounds like he's winking.
Levi waits until they shut the door to let go of Erwin's arm, letting his fingertips trail at the inside of his elbow. They're too used to dressing around other men to be embarrassed about getting ready, and by the time Erwin is in pajamas he's looking for a way to sleep.
"Been awhile since I've slept in one of these," Levi says with a yawn, crawling into bed.
"Maybe you'll get more than two hours this time," Erwin says. He spots a spare pillow in the closet and grabs it along with extra blankets, starting to put together a makeshift bed on the floor.
"You're one to talk," Levi mutters.
Erwin hears him shuffling around, trying to get comfortable, before he stops abruptly.
"What the hell are you doing?"
Erwin turns to see Levi scowling at him, the top of his head peeking out from the covers.
"Getting set up," Erwin says, which makes Levi sigh.
"You're going to throw out your damn back. And then I'm going to have to rescue you for real next time we're out there, and I've got enough to worry about. Get up here."
"I don't want to kick you out."
Levi gives him a look close to pitying. "Erwin, you're brilliant, you know that? Smartest man I've ever met. But sometimes I wonder. I'm telling you we can share."
Erwin looks at him, long enough for pink to rise in Levi's cheeks. Levi turns away and keeps talking, fast, like it's a nervous tic.
"Would you just impose for once in your life? Actually this thing's big enough you wouldn't even be imposing so, I guess get over it."
It's like Levi knows what he's thinking. Like he knows Erwin can't take without an offering, and even then he requires some persuasion.
"Don't make me come down there and beat you to death," Levi says, frowning at a pillow like it's the weapon he plans on using.
When Erwin's settled beside Levi they're far enough apart that he's sure they won't accidentally touch. Then there's a metal-cold shock on his arms, and he shudders away before he realizes it's Levi's hands.
"Oh shit, you're warm," Levi says, half-whispered. He curls his icy fingertips against Erwin's skin for a moment before pulling them away, muttering an apology.
Erwin resists the urge to pull him back. "It's alright if you want to–"
"No, it's fine," Levi says quickly, shuffling until his back is nearly touching the wall. "Sorry."
There's something like regret pooling in Erwin's gut. He wonders if he wants to keep Levi warm as a gesture of kindness or as a self-indulgence, and the thought is enough to make him stop offering.
Levi folds in on himself, tucks his legs close to his chest, then huffs a soft laugh.
"I haven't slept like this in years," he says, eyes fixed on the lonely space between them. "Not since the training barracks. Even then no one wanted to get this close to me."
"You don't smell that bad," Erwin says, and Levi gives him a light, backhanded whack on the shoulder.
"I'm lemony fucking fresh and you know it," Levi says, and it comes out half a tired sigh.
There's a moment when his eyes come close to meeting Erwin's, hovering somewhere around his nose, then he turns over, a tightly-curled shell.
"Good night then," he says to the wall.
Levi drifts off fast but Erwin can't tear his eyes away, no matter how much they want to close. The strong set of Levi's shoulders relaxes in sleep, a drooping slope disappearing beneath the blankets. His hair musses against the pillow when he shifts in his sleep, a storm-black tangle. Erwin's hands can imagine how soft it must feel but he holds back, swallows longing like he always does when it deigns to surface.
Levi's breathing is nearly silent, like he's trying to hide, but it's there. Erwin keeps its count in his brain, and it helps him fall asleep.
It's still dark when Levi wakes, and by the shift of moonlight he guesses he's been asleep for a few hours. His instinct is to get up immediately, to busy himself with work or training. Then the cloud of sleep leaves his mind, and Levi realizes he can't remember the last time he woke this warm.
Sometime in the night he must have turned over. He's facing Erwin with his hands curled loosely between them, arms nearly brushing Erwin's chest. When Levi shifts his knees he realizes they're touching Erwin's thighs, and he freezes.
Erwin doesn't stir so Levi forces his muscles to unclench, from his jaw to his feet. He's never seen Erwin like this, who sleeps like he doesn't want to be a bother, a long straight line of silence. He even smells warm, like a blanket left to dry by a fireplace. Levi breathes it in, letting his eyes drift closed again.
It's strange to think he has nowhere to be but here. It's something a little different to think there's nowhere he'd rather be but here.
When the pull of sleep weighs on his head again Levi scoots closer, infinitesimal. Erwin still doesn't move so Levi trails a hand up on the bed, lets it rest a millimeter from the collar of Erwin's shirt.
Levi is a realist who's come to believe in Erwin's ideals. He knows he can't have everything he wants, but he's spent too long in the dark not to let himself bathe in what light he's given. He's not like Erwin, who will deny himself everything that could bring him a scrap of happiness. He can recognize when something is good, and he can take it.
So Levi curls the tip of a finger, just one, into the fold of Erwin's collar. He can make it look like an accident when they wake up. He can wake up before Erwin, pretend it never happened at all.
He inhales deep, warmer than he knew he could be.
Levi next wakes to sunlight and a weight around his shoulders. He's usually far more alert in the mornings but he takes time now, takes in the details.
Sometime in the night Erwin's arm ended up around him, his hand at the nape of Levi's neck, tucking him closer to his chest. Levi wonders if was accidental or not. His hand is wound in a tight fist at Erwin's collar and he thinks he might have been touch-starved without ever knowing it, the way every inch of his skin tingles with contentedness, just from this.
He's taken by a strange, bittersweet nostalgia, twisting in the pit of his stomach. Levi can't figure out why until he remembers the last time he was held like this. It was so many years ago but he still exhales sharply at the memory, his mother's voice a lost ghost in his ear.
He realizes he's homesick, and the feeling ebbs when he remembers he found a new home, one with no walls.
His breathing quickens against Erwin's neck, and it finally stirs him. Levi watches him wake, too enraptured to be self-conscious about their position. Erwin's hair is half sticking up and half smeared across his forehead, strands drifting into his sleep-bleary eyes.
"Hey," Levi says.
Erwin gives a rough, low hum in response that shoots straight to his groin and Levi realizes he's not nearly awake enough for this.
A second later Erwin blinks, alert, and his eyes fall on Levi's shoulder.
"Sorry about that," he says, voice slightly scratchy. He draws his arm away. "I–"
Levi grabs his wrist before he knows what he's doing. He lets go quickly, like he's handled fire. He's not sure if he's been branded, or if he's the one doing the branding.
"Yeah," Levi says, though he can't remember what he's agreeing to.
Erwin doesn't touch him again but stays close, soft eyes scanning over Levi's hair and face until it makes heat rise in Levi's neck, and he needs to say something.
"At least we look the part," he says, smoothing down Erwin's collar where he rumpled it last night.
"At least," Erwin agrees.
There's a note of sadness in his voice that keeps Levi from meeting his eyes. Then there's a sound from elsewhere in the house that keeps Levi from having to respond at all.
"Someone's up." There's a grumble from the kitchen, then Erwin adds, "Nile."
Seized by an idea, Levi eases up and climbs over Erwin, careful not to step on him. He strips off his pajamas and finds a spare shirt of Erwin's, pulling it on over his head. It nearly falls to his knees.
"What are you doing?"
Levi turns to see Erwin lying on his stomach and peering at him. His hair is uncharacteristically messy on the pillow he's hugging, and for a second Levi almost forgets what he is doing. The shirt's clean but it still smells like him.
"Saying good morning to Nile."
Levi hears a sigh of exasperation before he slips out of the room.
Erwin knows life is different in the interior, but he forgets how every meal is like a feast. The breakfast spread is typical for Nile's family but unusual for him, and he finds he's lost the stomach for it.
Levi enjoys it, because it's there and he likes to indulge when he can, but he isn't silent about it.
"Saw some kids the other day," Levi says. "Maria refugees, I think. Fighting over half an apple. Can you imagine?"
"Oh," Marie says, hand hovering over her plate. "No, I can't imagine. Those poor things."
But Nile's unease puts Levi in a cheery mood so he drops it there. He leans over to kiss Erwin, comments that he tastes like cinnamon, and something in the whole morning brightens.
In the afternoon Marie insists on taking Levi with her into town for a market run. Erwin suspects it has something to do with wanting someone stronger to carry bags and kids, but Levi doesn't complain, even when both of the older children take running leaps to dangle from his arms.
The day turns unseasonably warm and Erwin and Nile spend it outside with drinks. Everything's dry and crackling, branches creaking violently as old door hinges. Each wide leaf that lands at their feet makes an audible flop. Erwin can smell them, soil-rich and fleetingly alive.
"How's Mike been?" Nile asks when the sun draws long shadows over his land. There's a hesitation in his voice that's close enough to guilt for Erwin to recognize it. Nile's aware of what he left behind to have this life.
"Well as always," Erwin says. "His squad is far more efficient than mine ever was."
Nile snorts, lets Erwin have his self-deprecation. "Still won't talk to Nanaba, will he?"
"Not unless it's professional. You know how it is."
"I think he's just shy," Nile says. "Give him a good nudge from me when you see him."
There's sound coming over the hill, then faces appearing. Marie's herding the older children and Levi's balancing sacks on his left shoulder, the baby on his right hip. He looks slightly less moody than usual and Erwin can't help how this affects him, seeing Levi like this.
"I get it, though," Nile is saying. "I guess even if you have someone in the SC it's different, huh?"
"It is," Erwin says, though he wouldn't know how to qualify it, so he doesn't try.
"Not wanting to get attached, not being able to settle down…you're crazy, but I guess I admire it."
Nile takes a long drink, sets it down to condense dew on the table, watching Marie from afar.
"Not that this life here is all easy," he says. "I don't think I've slept a full night since our oldest was born. And there's always work to be done around here, something falling apart in the house that needs fixing. If it's not one thing, it's another."
"Sounds rough."
The baby in Levi's arms tugs at a strand of his hair and he narrows his eyes at her. It makes her giggle. The lines in Levi's forehead relax.
Without warning he glances up and catches Erwin's eye, as if he could feel him looking from a distance. Levi blinks and his mouth twitches in something close to a smile, there for a moment before it vanishes like a spooked animal.
"If you live long enough to settle down somewhere," Nile says, "I'd recommend it."
"Maybe," Erwin says, quiet and mostly to himself.
Levi's still watching him.
Levi wakes feeling well-rested despite it still being the middle of the night. He stretches his neck, warm and comfortable, and feels a jolt when he sees Erwin is sitting up, staring at the window behind Levi.
"The hell are you doing?" he says through a dry mouth.
Erwin startles, looks down. "Nothing."
He pushes Levi's hair back behind his ear, then hesitates with his hand still cupping his skull, as if he went a step too far. Levi arches his head into it and Erwin repeats the motion just once before bringing his hand back into his own space.
"What's wrong?" Levi asks, his head pleasantly fuzzy and missing the contact.
"Nothing," Erwin says, but he bends under Levi's glare, smiles slightly. "I was just thinking this is nice. I'm going to miss it."
Levi's heart jumps into his throat, and he's about to agree when Erwin says, "Being away from work, not having to think about how many lives we're going to lose in a month…"
"Oh. Yeah." He bites his tongue, doesn't say that too.
Erwin doesn't reply at first, and Levi's about to close his eyes again before Erwin finally speaks.
"A memory came to me when I woke up. I thought I'd lost it, but it was so clear."
Levi shifts, feeling more awake. "Tell me about it."
Erwin relaxes back against the headboard, his eyes on the space between them.
"I remembered waking up next to my father on the sofa. I must have fallen asleep while he was reading, there was a book resting on his knees. He'd put a blanket over me."
Erwin huffs a quiet laugh, picks at something on the sheets. "I don't even remember how old I was. I have no idea why it came to me just now."
"You must've felt safe."
Sometimes, like now, Erwin will look at Levi as if he's said something surprising. Levi likes that he can still surprise the man who sees everything coming.
Then Erwin touches Levi's wrist, just two fingers resting lightly against his pulse, and it's Levi's turn to be taken off guard.
"Yes," Erwin says. "I think you're right."
There's a beat, then he draws his hand away, still eyeing where Levi's wrist bones squirm under his skin.
"Would you lay down?" Levi says. "You're stressing me out."
Now Erwin looks at him like he's said something completely delightful, and Levi wants to hit him with the pillow.
"Alright," Erwin says, still smiling.
They fall asleep with their forearms brushing, and their terrors stay out of their dreams.
The battlefield has taught Erwin it's best not to let a wound fester. Cut it off, if it does more harm than good, and cast your eyes forward. Sometimes looking back can bring its own harm.
So on the morning they leave Erwin detaches himself, gently lifting Levi's arm from around his shoulders and setting it in his empty place on the mattress. Erwin rises and dresses, silent and quick. He doesn't linger, doesn't look back.
It's better this way, even if his subconscious keeps reminding him of Levi's hair on the pillow, the flutter of his breath when he sighs in his sleep.
A half hour later Levi's getting ready in front of the mirror, sitting on the counter and scrunching his nose as he scrutinizes his reflection.
"Really, Erwin," Levi says, parting his hair with a comb. "This weekend should get me out of our next trip to the capital. I don't think Nile would complain."
"Maybe not," Erwin says. He purses his lips against a smile. "I'm sure Marie will miss you, though. For her kids' sake, if nothing else."
"Yeah, well last night I taught her son one of my favorite songs from when I was his age. Once she hears it I doubt she'll ever invite you to one of these pity party weekends again."
Erwin feels a sense of loss while saying his goodbyes that has little to do with Nile or Marie. Already he's wondering what he can do to keep the new form of closeness he found with Levi, and as they leave the house Erwin wonders if he erred in some way, letting his guard fall like this.
Then Levi gives his ass a pinch as he follows him into the carriage, and it takes the edge off his mood for most of the day.
It's dark when they arrive at headquarters but Moblit is wide awake, bouncing from foot to foot with an anxious dance in his eyes. There are papers to be signed, letters to be answered, plans to be finalized. Moblit dumps them in Levi's arms with a weighted sigh, and when Erwin lets him go Levi sees his legs shake with gratitude.
Levi thinks of catching a few hours of sleep but he sees the look in Erwin's eyes when he realizes how quickly things piled up over the weekend. He won't sleep much tonight, if at all, and Levi tries not to leave him alone with work whenever possible.
In Erwin's office Levi pulls the extra chair around to sit at the corner the desk, just far enough away to avoid bumping elbows. It's strange how he suddenly has to remind himself to keep his hands off Erwin.
They work until the stack in halved, then Erwin dismisses him, calling it a night. Levi's at the door when his name is called.
"Thank you again," Erwin says while Levi hovers, fingers curling and uncurling around the doorknob. "For coming with me. Never thought I could have such a good time with all of them."
"Yeah, well." Levi shrugs, turns his head to the side to show he's listening. "Maybe they've just changed, and finally became less insufferable."
Erwin gives a breathy sort of laugh, and that makes Levi shift, look back.
"I don't think it's them that's changed." Then Erwin frowns. "No, that's not it. You…or you and I–"
"Erwin, what are you babbling about?"
He looks up at that, eyes exhausted by candlelight. Then he smiles, and it flits like the fire.
"Sorry, I don't know what I'm saying. My brain's still trying to rejoin our world, I think."
He looks back at the stack of paper with every intention to continue. Levi sighs.
"C'mon, get up," Levi says, and crosses back to Erwin before he can protest. "You're done here."
He takes Erwin's hands to pull him to his feet, something he never would done before their new found physical comfort with each other, forged by a weekend away. Erwin leans against him, just for a moment, and his smell is familiar now. It reminds Levi of being secure beside him, drifting between dreams and reality. Breathing him in makes Levi feel more relaxed, and it's all he can do not to lean in, too.
He sees Erwin to bed. It's something he's done countless times when Erwin's been lost in work and body counts, but Levi's never known what it's like to lay at his side. He knows now, and he wants it again, wants it so much he doesn't know how he ever used to leave.
Levi sits at the edge of his bed, goes over the last notes of the day, then finally makes his knees move to stand. Erwin grabs him by the forearm and starts to pull him back, his eyes on Levi's mouth. He leans halfway toward Levi before he stops abruptly.
"Sorry," Erwin says. He lets go of Levi. "I don't know what came over me. I must have gotten used to kissing you."
Levi's laugh catches in his throat, high and strangled.
He goes to his own room after and lays in the bed, stopping just long enough to kick off his boots. His bed hasn't been used in months, long neglected for chairs and office couches, but he keeps the sheets washed anyway. There's no smell to them, and little warmth.
Normally his long waking hours let him fall asleep with ease but he shifts restlessly tonight. It's like he found a part of himself he never knew was missing, and now he's lost it again.
He misses the way Erwin fit against him, like half of a living whole, something complete born out of broken pieces.
Levi gives up after an hour, pushes himself out of bed and goes to find whatever work can be found in the middle of the night. There's a worry that pulses at his temples alongside exhaustion, worry that he's changed for good by this.
And he knows what it is. He's never been afraid to take when it's right, but this seems too much of a right, something impossibly good in the face of a bleak future.
Levi wonders how Erwin is faring, just across headquarters, lying where Levi reluctantly left him. He thinks about checking on him, then redirects himself to the kitchen. He isn't sure he's ready for the mess that might be waiting.
Erwin's used to waking up alone but it feels different this morning. The room's quieter, cooler despite the sun. Erwin tells himself it's winter approaching, nothing more. He can't let himself be this changed by Levi's absence.
The day proceeds as normal, and Levi and Mike join him on a run in the morning. Erwin tells Mike the latest with Nile. Levi interjects helpfully from time to time, clarifying that Nile's mustache more clearly resembles the shit stuck to a cat's tail than a cat's tail itself, as Erwin claimed.
Then they part, and Levi turns to give Erwin an unexpected smile before he follows Mike into the hall for breakfast. It's brief, and Levi barely meets his eyes, but it sticks with Erwin. He wonders what's changed. He wonders if this will be enough.
It isn't until much later, when the candlelight has burned low and the silence is punctuated by more yawns than words that Erwin notices Levi is lingering. They're in the drawing room going over plans, and Hange went to bed an hour ago. Levi's rolled and unrolled his sleeves a dozen times since then and he's playing with the ends of his hair and stealing glances at Erwin under his fringe and fingers. He's lingering, and Erwin's too smart to pretend he can't see it.
When Levi drifts off to sleep in his chair it's for fifteen minutes at most, and later that night Erwin finds little more comfort in his own bed. Things are like that for a while.
Then Mike asks him for the third time that week if anything's wrong, and Erwin knows something has to change.
As it often happens he finds Levi by accident. He's in the kitchen preparing tea and he doesn't react when Erwin appears, hovering by the doorway.
"Are you up early or up late?" Levi asks. It's one of those hours where it's impossible to tell, darkness filling the window like a cloud.
"Up late," Erwin says.
He doesn't need to ask Levi the same. Instead he watches Levi's lithe hands work as they sort leaves, set the kettle, strike a match.
"Levi–"
"Want some?" Levi asks.
"No, I–no thank you."
Levi hums, then goes to the cupboard. Erwin meets him there so he doesn't have to strain to grab a cup and Levi thanks him, goes back to his work. It's comfortable. It's hardly anything, but Erwin feels more at peace than he has in days.
"How have you been?" Erwin asks. "Since we've been back."
"The same," Levi says, but he doesn't look at Erwin. "Why, what about you?"
"Fine. A bit tired."
It's silent for a minute then, and Erwin can tell Levi is thinking. It's obvious in the way he gnaws at his lower lip, shifting his eyes around the kitchen like he's looking for a getaway.
"If you're not sleeping well you need to do something about it," Levi finally scolds. "At least so I'm not scraping your dead ass off the filthy underside of a titan foot in the spring."
He's not moving now, hands braced on the countertop. Then he turns his head, meeting Erwin's eyes. There's a shift in Levi's expression. It breaks slowly, like he's beginning to see what Erwin sees, and his put-on annoyance dissolves.
"This is real," Levi says. "Isn't it."
It's not a question but Erwin nods his head anyway, mouths yes. Levi comes forward.
Erwin thinks it might be all the practice they've had but they're not rushing. There's no desperation in the way Levi kisses him, except maybe of the quiet sort, born of long yearning in a world of uncertainty. The way Levi drapes his arms around Erwin's neck is familiar, loose and close like a reminder, but everything is different from the weekend they played pretend.
It's different because now Levi's eyes are half-open like he's afraid he'll miss something. This close his eyes gleam like pavement in the rain and Erwin can't look away.
"Stop staring at me," Levi mumbles in the space between their breathing.
But neither of them stop, not until the kettle whines behind them and Erwin's reminded of everything else that's real.
"Your tea's ready," Erwin says unnecessarily, and Levi still doesn't look away.
"I don't think I need it now. Come on."
He takes the kettle off, then takes Erwin's hand.
In Levi's room they only remove their boots. It's too close to dawn to sleep more than a couple hours and Erwin's too tired to care about wrinkling his shirt, at least for now.
Levi settles into bed and holds his arms out for Erwin to sink into. Erwin's unsure about settling some of his weight on him but Levi grunts impatiently, tugs Erwin's head down to rest on his shoulder. His hand stays there to stroke Erwin's hair and Erwin puts a hesitant arm around Levi's waist, gradually drawing him closer.
Levi seems to sense his tension and recognize the source.
"Relax," Levi says, and presses two slow kisses to Erwin's forehead before speaking again. "You've earned it."
In his heart Erwin isn't sure, but he lets Levi's words and fingers be the balm they want to be. He shuffles closer and Levi's nails scratch his scalp like a reward.
Maybe Erwin will never see the complete picture, the house and the peace and the chance at forever. But maybe he can have this, Levi tucked against him like half his soul, and maybe it can be enough for as long as they have.
And perhaps one day he can do something to deserve the rest.