Talking in my Sleep
Disclaimer- I own nothing I wish I did but I just get to play with the characters.
Part One
Robert Strickland rushed downstairs to the UCOS office the moment he received Jack's call. A few days earlier he had informed Sandra that she had a half-brother whose blood was found on a murder victim. He honestly had expected her brother to be a second victim not the murderer. And now the whole team was faced with a rather precarious situation.
When he reached the basement he found Gerry and Brian escorting a man into the interview room as Sandra watched. Strickland had never seen the woman look so lost before. He wanted to reach out and take her in his arms or comfort her in some way, but he knew she wouldn't react well to any attempts of support. Sandra Pullman had a tough exterior built up over years of working in the old boy's club. Reluctantly he moved several steps away from her to where Jack was standing.
"Sir" the man greeted him softly.
"Jack, get his confession on the record and turn it over to the CPS let them decide what to do about all this." He ordered, the sooner this whole mess was out the door the better for everyone.
"What about Sandra?" Jack asked quietly making sure the woman didn't hear.
"She can't be part of this."
Sandra's involvement with this case had to end now. She was currently in no condition to be part of it and she was too close. Strickland knew it would take a long time for Sandra to come to terms with this revelation and finishing the investigation against her brother would only make it worse.
"She isn't going to like being left out" Jack warned him.
"She needs to go home" he countered firmly.
"Easier said than done" the older man continued.
"I'm taking her home Jack" he clarified ending the conversation. Taking a deep breathe he walked over to the woman. She didn't even seem to notice him as he approached, her gaze was on the interview room holding her brother.
"Sandra" he said gently putting a hand on her shoulder. She jumped at his touch and he could feel her body shaking beneath his hand.
"Sorry sir I didn't see you there" she apologized slowly meeting his eyes.
"Let me take you home" he asked his voice barely louder than a whisper. He hoped she would agree without a fight. He wasn't looking to start an argument but he was determined to take her away from the office and her brother.
"I need a drink" she replied. He hadn't expected that response and it took him a moment to reply.
"Come with me" he finally said turning towards the stairs. To his relief she silently followed, neither spoke again until they were both in his car.
"Where do you want to go?" Robert asked. If she wanted a drink he would make sure she got one but he wasn't going to let her drink alone. Sandra sat there silently in the passenger's seat and he was afraid she hadn't heard him. He was about to ask again when she finally spoke.
"Take me home please, I have wine in the fridge" she requested. Without another word he turned on the car and drove out of the car park. In truth he was happier taking her home than to a pub, at least at home he knew she would be safe.
Sandra remained silent during their drive, uninterested in talking she instead spent the drive staring out of the window. Strickland stole occasional glances at her as he drove, he didn't want her to feel like she was being watched but he needed to make sure she was holding herself together. She wasn't crying and he thought she might still be in shock, the whole situation was a lot to process. When they left the office he has decided they would only talk about her brother if she wanted to talk about him, Strickland knew better than to push her, it never ended well. When they finally arrived at her house he pulled into the drive and turned off the car, uncertain as to what she wanted. He was happy to wait for her to tell him what to do.
"Do you want to come in for a drink? Only...I don't think I want to be alone" she admitted looking over at him. Even if he hadn't been worried about her there was no way he could have said no.
"Yes of course" he agreed with a comforting smile.
Once they got inside he expected Sandra to open the previously mentioned bottle of wine. Instead he watched as she poured them both very large glasses of scotch. She didn't say a word, she simply took her glass and the bottle and sat down on the sofa. After a moment he removed his suit jacket, picked up his own glass and sat down next to her. Again he waited for her to talk, he still wasn't sure what was a safe topic of conversation. He certainly wasn't going to ask about this man who was suddenly her brother.
"I knew my dad had an affair" she said finally before taking a large drink of her scotch. "I didn't know he had a child with her, though I'm not sure why I am surprised" she added darkly.
"Sandra..." Robert began but he was at a loss for words. What could he possibly say that would make her feel better.
"Don't worry you don't need to try and cheer me up. There is no way to fix this bloody mess. How nice of my dad to create this giant pile of shit and then leave me to deal with it." She growled harshly taking another large drink, her glass was more than half empty already.
"I'm sorry he did this to you" he replied. He wasn't about to try and find a reason why Gordon Pullman had done this to his daughter. Even on his worst days he couldn't imagine putting his children though this and he couldn't have given her a reason if he wanted to.
"You don't even know the half of it" she moaned refilling her glass.
Over the next hour, as he nursed his glass of scotch, she told him the whole story including all of her father's bad deeds. Robert had known that Gordon was under investigation at the time of his death. Yet he had no idea that Sandra had been lied to about the manner of his death and the circumstances surrounding it. He could only imagine how hard the truth had been to learn after all these years. And he felt guilty for the role he had played in her discovery. He always did stupid things when he was trying to impress a girl. Christy Berlin had hardly been worth the effort and now to learn he had hurt Sandra in the process made him feel terrible.
By the time Sandra was finished, the bottle was empty and she was drunk. Yet to his surprise she hadn't started to cry not once during the whole tale. He wondered if it was the drink or the shock that was stopping her tears. With her story complete he insisted on ordering them food for dinner. With the amount of alcohol in her system she was going to need a lot of food to soak it up. Thankfully he managed to convince her to drink a glass of water as they waited, but when the food arrived she insisted on opening a bottle of wine.
Another two hours later after the food and wine has been consumed her tears began. At first they were silent tears that slid almost unnoticed down her cheeks, then they turned into sobs. Robert put his arm around her and pulled her close to him. She didn't say anything as she sobbed into his chest. He had been waiting for this the entire evening and he was hardly surprised when the tears had begun. Sandra was deeply hurt by her father's lies and deception and no amount of drinking was going to make it alright. He held her as the tears shook her whole body, he couldn't fix the situation but he could provide a safe haven for her to let her emotions out.
Robert had no idea how long she spent crying but when he next looked up it was dark outside. Night had descended upon them unnoticed. There was only a small lamp in the room to provide light but it was all they needed.
"I wish I wasn't a complete mess" Sandra moaned when her tears finally began to slow.
"I think you deserve one night of letting go, especially after the day you've had." Robert tried to assure her, it was a strange thing for her to say but she was still pretty intoxicated.
"No...not just tonight all the time. I am a mess, a complete disaster, I ruin everything I touch."
"I hardly think that is true" he objected gently.
"Yes it is you just can't see it. I have ruined every relationship I have ever had and not just the romantic ones." Her tears had dried and he knew this was the alcohol talking.
"I know that isn't true what about Gerry, Jack, and Brian?" he reminded her. Even thought she was drunk he was not willing to humor her on this subject.
"Those three don't count they're strange. They don't seem to care when I ruin stuff or they don't notice. I can't seem to scare them off. But they are the only ones." She told him slurring her words slightly.
"What about me?" he inquired. He knew he was just asking for trouble and yet he couldn't stop himself.
"I won't let you get close enough, that way you don't see how screwed up I am. Can't ruin something you won't let happen." She answered him frankly unconcerned that she was sharing information she might not want him to know if she were sober. He was taken aback by her response and couldn't help but silently replay her words in his mind trying to figure out exactly what she was saying.
"Will you stay?" she asked him suddenly, pulling him out of his thoughts.
Robert looked down, she was resting against him with her eyes closed. He was surprised by her request, it was not something he had expected and he hesitated a moment before responding. He wasn't entirely sure how she meant the question but deep down he knew it didn't matter, he would do whatever she needed.
"Yes of course I will" he agreed.
"Thank you...you're too nice" she said softly.
"Not everyone feels that way" he commented flippantly.
"They're wrong…can we stay here...I don't want to move." She asked him sounding half asleep and very serious, he was having a hard time not laughing a her continued change in tone and topic.
"Yes we can" he answered with a smile she didn't see. He shifted them slightly so they were lying on the sofa. She easily allowed him to move her and she kept her eyes closed the whole time trusting him completely. Though he longed to brush the hair off her face he felt that was too intimate of a gesture.
"I wish I didn't ruin everything" she said again with a she yawned.
"You don't ruin anything, you are one of the best detectives I have ever met." He continued to argue with her, she might not remember any of this in the morning but he would and it was important to him.
"That's work, work is easy, catch bad guys, get evidence, prove they did it, get confession, easy." She replied quickly dismissing his argument while lightly slapping his chest with her hand as she spoke.
"Not for everyone trust me" he pointed out. He knew plenty of detectives who struggled to perform the job.
"They don't ruin every relationship" she countered.
"I think you are being too hard on yourself" he protested.
"Don't really have to worry about this whole brother shit cause I will ruin it even if I try not to. I am so tired of ruining things...it's lonely" she confessed ignoring his statement.
"You don't have to be lonely." He wanted to say more but he wasn't sure how she would receive his feelings.
"Not worth trying always ends in disaster" she responded, she had clearly already given up.
While she might think the subject was decided he wanted nothing more than to prove her wrong. Her words broke his heart a little, not because of what she was trying to deny him but her determination to keep everyone at arm's length was hurting her.
"Doesn't mean you should give up trying to be happy."
"Yes it does, I just hurt people push them away better to never let them get close then I can't hurt them." She replied continuing her objections, her eyes were open now looking directly into his, the conviction evident in her stare.
Strickland would have let it go if he thought these objections were just the drink talking. But he knew this was how she truly felt, he could see it in her eyes. He watched day after day as she kept people at a distance, she only let Gerry, Jack, and Brian get close to her. Yet he didn't know how to convince her that it was worth the risk. In her current state logic was not going to the win the argument. Once more he silently laid there beneath her, focused on keeping her safe.
"You smell nice" she mused her eyes were closed again and he wasn't sure if she was still awake.
"Thank you" he replied, he wasn't sure what else he could say to an inebriated Sandra. Instead he held her as she somehow managed to snuggle closer to him. He tried to memorize how she felt in his arms, despite his resolve to get closer to her he didn't think she would ever let him hold her again.
"This is nice" she said as if reading his mind.
"Yes it is" he agreed softly.
"I wish I didn't ruin things" she said once more and this time he didn't even try to comment. "Then I wouldn't have to keep you away." She added shocking him with her candor, there was no chance she was aware of what she had just admitted.
"You don't have to push me away" he argued holding his breath preparing for her to come to her senses and reject him as she had done in the past.
"Yes I do, you are too nice, don't deserve my mess. And you wouldn't want me if you knew the real me." She replied with a smile even thought her eyes remained closed and the words didn't match the sentiment.
"Don't push me away" he begged her.
"Have to" was all she said.
"Why" he pushed forgetting how drunk she was.
"You are in love with a picture of me you have in your head that's not me. I'll only ruin and destroy it. And when you see what I'm really like you won't want me. I can't take that away from you that isn't fair. This way you can still be happy" she explained opening her eyes looking up at him.
"I'm not happy watching you be unhappy" he objected.
"I want to be happy...with you...but it won't work" she sighed as her eyes closed once more. She had definitely given up already but he wasn't ready to admit defeat.
"Why don't you let me try and help" he suggest. She didn't need to worry about him, she didn't need to protect him.
"I will only hurt you...can't hurt you you're too nice to be hurt again." She told him and he could hear the sleep in her voice this time.
"You should let me decide if I want to get hurt" he countered sweetly.
"Oh" she exclaimed softly and they were silent once more. Now that he knew how she truly felt Robert decided he needed to have this conversation with a sober Sandra.
"Will you let me take you to breakfast tomorrow morning?" he asked hoping she was still awake enough to hear him.
"Yeah sure" she agreed moving slightly to get comfortable.
With her agreement he closed his eyes as well. His thoughts turned to breakfast and he had a plan forming in his mind. Sandra would need to consume a nice greasy meal to counteract the large amount of alcohol she had imbibed. He would take her to a nice place, feed her good food and then somehow convince her to take a chance on him. With these thoughts in his head and Sandra's warm body in his arms sleep came quickly.
A/N Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think. I should have part two up soon.
Additional note- I got some REALLY nice reviews on my last story and if the wonderful people who left them are reading this I would like to take this opportunity to thank each of you so much for them you have no idea how much they meant to me. I wish there was a way I could reply to them directly and thank each of you. I guess for now this will have to do so -Thank You for your wonderful words of support!