SQ Drabbles
Her heart sunk whenever Emma hinted at her baring a child. She couldn't fault her for wanting that, for wanting to further their relationship but why did she need to be so persistent?
"...and Henry would be a great brother…" Emma stopped sensing the sudden dread rolling off her in waves and her words trailed away in concern.
The usual comfort she found in Emma's arms quickly turned into anxiety. She hated doing this to Emma, keeping this from her. But she was ashamed.
"Regina? Do… do you not want to? I mean I...I'd understand but-"
"No! No Emma of course I do!"
Emma's arm snaked around her waist a little tighter, pulling them closer on the couch. Her heart did a sad little surge at the misery she knew she was putting Emma through. Just tell her.
"Then why-" Emma's voice took on a small tremble and she had to briefly push it back before finishing the question. "Why do you always tense when I mention it? Are you afraid? I can carry a baby for us if you aren't comfortable with that I just figured since I did it the first time..."
She leaned further back into Emma's chest, thankful she couldn't see the pain swimming in green eyes.
For a moment she wished she could turn back time to take back that moment of spite and fix all of this. The longer it took her to reply the deeper Emma's pain ran, cutting the both of them like a sharp blade.
"Emma." She could taste the excuse forming on her lips, it would be easy, but the feel of Emma's chest rising behind her, nearly heaving from forcing back the emotions stopped her. She owed her the truth. Tell her.
"I can't bare children."
Her breath stopped as Emma choked out a quiet sob that was so uncharacteristic she would have thought it had been a sound emitting from the television. Please don't cry. She thought. I'm sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am.
"Regina...I'm sorry I didn't know."
"You had no way-"
"Forgive me."
Those words sent a crack down her heart like the organ had just been a hollow shell made of cheap plastic. Years of pent up tears brimmed in her eyes and the warmth enveloping her just made the pain worse. She wanted to bare a child for them and Emma asking for forgiveness truly was her undoing. All of this was her fault.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Emma's voice met her ears ringing through them sadly.
"I was… am ashamed."
"You have no reason to be ashamed this happens all the time there are treatments -"
"No you don't get it Emma...My mother...she wasn't a nice woman. I… did this to spite her."
The silence that hung in the air as Emma processed what she just told her twisted her gut. This feeling was precisely what she had wanted to avoid. Emma must think I'm so foolish.
Instead of trying to offer her words Emma just held her, resting her forehead against the back of her shoulder.
"If you're wondering I do regret it. Everyday I see Henry grow...I'm aware of what I gave up. I still want to have a baby with you Emma. I love you it just saddens me-"
"Please…" Emma's voice was heavy with emotion. "I love you." Warm wet lips pressed into the side of her jaw lingering as green eyes shut tightly. Something in the kiss told her Emma understood, that she didn't need to explain further. Her lips disappeared and she pulled them into a laying position on the couch. She hated falling asleep on the couch but tonight she had no energy to protest it. After admitting such a devastatingly regrettable part of her life she barely had the energy to even lace her hand with Emma's but her secret was out. It would take some time but she knew the pain in her chest would finally go away.