Disclaimer: Uhhhh… nope…. Not mine… I also don't own the really cool Candlebox songs "Far Behind" and "You."
Author's Notes: Okay, don't hurt me! Yes, if you've read the summary, you read that Genrou is, indeed, a girl. This fic will eventually be a Genrou/Kouji fic… if they ever stop hating each other ^__^ It's strange, I know… but, give it a chance? Onegai?? **puppy eyes**
Warnings: tasuki language galor! And a little shounan ai between Ryuuen and Saihitei.
Desperately WantingBy: Kei-chan
Chapter One: A test of sanity
She sat on a green couch in the living room of her apartment. Her face was contorted into the most hellish of scowls, her amber eyes gleamed with a fiery anger… as fiery as the color of her bright red hair. She had her arms crossed over her chest, further illustrating the rage she felt.
"Fuck." She didn't yell it, for she didn't have to. The way it lanced off her tongue in a seething whisper was enough that yelling it wasn't necessary.
"Oh, get over it, Gen-chan!"
She leapt off the chair, yellow eyes dancing with flames. "Get over it? You just told me that the person I hate more than anything on this earth is coming back tomorrow, and I'm just supposed to fuckin' get over it like it's a fuckin' fact of life? Fuck that! I actually loved him before he fuckin' betrayed me!"
Ryuuen smiled, his violet eyes sparkling. "Hey... if it makes you feel better… I wanted to be the girl."
Genrou stared at her best friend. "Sometimes, I really fuckin' hate you, Ryuuen."
The violet-haired twenty-one year old stood, patted Genrou on the shoulder. "I'd love to stay and chat... but I'm meeting Sai for dinner."
"What? You're leaving me here after telling me the worst fuckin' news of my life? What kind of friend are you?"
Ryuuen gave Genrou a look. "You'll be fine. Besides, think of it as good news. I know how you love revenge."
Genrou sank back down onto the couch, mumbled something incoherent. She looked back up to plead with Ryuuen, but he was already at the door, jacket in hand.
"Ja, Gen-chan!"
And then she was alone. "Dammit!" she cursed. "I gotta get outta here." Jumping off the couch, she grabbed her apartment keys off the table and slammed out the door.
Once outside, she berrated herself for not picking up a sweatshirt. It had rained most of the day, and it didn't feel much like May. The cool air chilled her, and she wrapped her arms around herself.
She walked quickly, allowing her feet to guide her. She knew where she was going, but too many thoughts were running through her head for her to fully comprehend it.
Okay, so, Kouji is coming home, she thought as she walked. Kouji...the guy I haven't seen for three years... the guy who left me with nothing... She paused, looked up at the entirely black sky, remembered the rage. "Bastard!"
Genrou kept walking, shivering in the cold. She turned a corner, was surprised to find that she had reached her destination so quickly. Looking around, a calm feeling passed over her. She was standing in a small park. A fountain sat in the middle, a marble statue of a phoenix setting down in the center of it. Genrou walked over to it, sat on the edge.
The park, though unused for many years, was still Genrou's favorite place, had been since she was fifteen. It was too small to accommodate the neighborhood, so the city had commissioned another spot be turned into a better park. Because of that, no one came to the little park anymore... no one, that is, except Genrou.
She shivered again. "Smart girl, forget your fuckin' jacket, why dontcha?" she asked aloud. Now that she was in her place, she could think.
So, Gen-chan, she thought sarcastically. Whatcha gonna do now? You can't avoid him forever... "But I can try," she whispered.
She was so wrapped up her inner conversation she didn't notice the figure walking up behind her until it spoke.
"Genrou? Is that you?"
Genrou couldn't breathe. But, Ryuuen said he wasn't coming home until tomorrow! She forced the air in and out of her lungs, then stood, turned to greet him.
"What the fuck are you doing here?"
The two stared at each other for a long moment. The man standing opposite Genrou wore blue jeans, black boots, a sweater, and a black leather jacket. His dusty blue hair was cut short, and his blue eyes were wide in surprise. He stared at Genrou, taking in her bootcut jeans, platform boots, and black tank top with "Rock star" written across the front in glitter. She looked good, better than she had when he had last seen her.
The malice in Genrou's voice shocked him, and he took an uneasy step backward. "Hey, it's a public place."
"That's not what I mean, Kouji," she said.
He sighed. "It's uh... been a while."
A while? You asshole! Genrou smiled sardonically. "Not fuckin' long enough."
"What the fuck's your problem?" he asked.
Genrou felt her temper burst. "MY problem? What's MY problem? Fuck you, Kouji!"
He sat down on the edge of the fountain. "Still mad at me, huh?"
She forgot the cold, didn't notice the rain that had begun to fall. "No, I'm not mad you, Kouji. See, over the years, the anger just turned to blind hatred. Now if you'll fuckin' excuse me, I have somewhere to be." Genrou turned her back on Kouji, began walking away. She was stopped when Kouji grabbed her arm and yanked her backwards.
"Take your fuckin' hand off me," she growled.
"No. Not until you let me explain." He was confused. He hadn't thought she would greet him like this, with so much hate, so much hurt.
"Explain fuckin' what? Why you set me up to take the fall for you? Why you got me shot and damn near killed just trying to escape a measely six month jail sentence? I went to jail, Kouji! I took the fall for you! And what did you do? You fuckin' left! You picked up and you fuckin' disappeared. You ran like the coward you are."
"That's not fair, Gen-kun." But Kouji let his arm drop, stood rigidly in the pouring rain, head bowed.
"Don't fuckin' call me Gen-kun anymore, either. Only people I trust call me that." She turned and ran away from him, knowing that if she stayed any longer, she'd have hit him.
Kouji was left staring at her retreating back, felt self-loathing work it's ugly into his mind. Fuckin' idiot, his mind said. You really thought you'd come back and she'd just throw herself into your arms and all would be well? He walked out of the park, vowed that in time, he would talk to her. He blew it, he knew, but there was always the hope that one day, she would forgive him.
Then again, no one holds a grudge like Genrou, he thought sadly.
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"He found you at the park last night?"
Genrou was sitting at the table, eating breakfast with Ryuuen and Saihitei. She had told them the entire ordeal with Kouji the night before, and now felt exhausted just talking about it.
"I don't mean to bring up painful memories," Saihitei said. "But, what exactly did you set up for?"
Genrou sighed. "Kouji was running a theft ring. He and a few of his friends were robbing jewelry stores. He was my best friend, and a few years ago, he asked me to go on job with them. I did, thinking it'd be pretty fuckin' cool to break the law, ya know?"
Saihitei nodded, a sorrowful look on his face.
"So, we break into this one place," Genrou continued. "Only, nobody knew that this place had a fuckin' silent alarm. Next thing I know, they're bailin' and I'm left standing in the middle of the place, my hands full of jewelry. The cops shot me, and Kouji and his pals got away."
Saihitei gasped. "He actually did that to you? That's awful!"
She nodded. "Spent two months in the hospital, and six in jail." She looked down at her cereal, dropped the spoon. "I don't have much of an appetite this morning. I'll see you guys later."
Ryuuen jumped up. "Are you sure, Gen-chan?"
"Yeah… I just wanna be alone right now." She grabbed her keys and her jacket and left the apartment.
Ryuuen sank down into his chair, sighed. "Sai, I'm really worried about her."
Saihitei covered his boyfriend's hand in his own. "She's a tough girl, and she's Tasuki. She'll be okay."
"I hope you're right." Ryuuen fell into Saihitei's arms.
So do I… he thought, wrapping his arms around Ryuuen's back.
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Genrou jumped in her car, started the engine. I need to talk to someone about this… she thought. Miaka was too… distracted most of the time, Myojuan had was busy with med school, so that left… "Houjun!" she yelled aloud.
She put the car in drive and sped down the road, eager to see the friend who seemed to know the answer to everything.
As she drove, she put the first cd she could find into her cd player. As the first line of the song blasted over her speakers, she groaned loudly. "Of course, it would be this song."
"Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you bad
But I did it anyway
And not maybe
Some would say your life was sad
But you lived it anyway"
She sang along as she always did, growing angrier by the minute until the song was over and another came on. This song made her feel better as she screamed the words, even allowing a few tears to streak down her face.
Feel in my heart it's for you
And I'll lie for you as I die for you
Pain in my heart it is real
And I'll tell you now
How I feel inside
Fuck you
It's for you
Genrou was feeling emotionally drained when she reached Houjun's place, and she could only hope her wise friend was home.
She walked up to the door, knocked.
"Come in, Genrou, no da!"
Shaking her head, she opened the door and walked in. "How do you do that?" she asked.
Houjun, who was sitting on the floor in a meditative stance grinned, his eyes closed. "You know me better than that, no da."
Genrou sat down across from him. "I uh, need to talk to you," she said quietly.
Houjun opened his eyes, fixed them on her. "It's Kouji, isn't it, no da?"
Genrou nodded. "He's back. I saw him last night at the park."
"Na no daaa…"
"Yeah.. tell me about it."
"What did he say to you, no da?" Houjun relaxed his legs, brought them up to sling his arms over them.
"He said 'it's been a while.' It's been a while.. what the fuck Houjun? He talks like we're the best of fuckin' friends." Genrou was fuming, but she controlled her anger in front of Houjun.
Houjun's voice dropped an octave, something that always happened when he was serious. "Gen-kun, you were, at one point, the best of friends. I'm not saying that you should forgive him no da. He did mess up your entire life, but, just maybe, he messed his own up worse no da."
Genrou narrowed her eyes at Houjun. "Whaddya mean?"
The wise man grinned. "I think it best you ask Kouji, no da."
"I don't want to talk to him, Houjun. Everytime I even think about him, I fuckin' go nuts."
Houjun reached over and patted her shoulder. "I think you do want to talk to him, but you were hurt, so you aren't letting yourself na no da. Gen-kun, I know better than anyone the importance of being able to forgive someone no da. Don't make this mistake I did, or it may be too late no da."
That's right, Genrou remembered. Hikou… She smiled at Houjun, hugged her friend. "You always know what to say. Arrigato, Houjun!"
"Anytime na no da!"
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Kouji paced the floor of his living room. He hadn't slept at all the night before, and felt like he had been hit by a bus. All I wanna do is tell her what I went through because of a stupi-ass mistake… he thought. The doorbell rang, made him jump.
No one knows I'm back. He cast a glance to the mirror on the wall, gasped at his reflection. He had purple bags under his eyes, and his face was pale and drawn. The doorbell rang again, making him jump. "I – I'm coming!" he called.
He walked to the door, pulled it open. The other side of the door beheld a flame-haired girl, looking incredibly nervous.
"Hi," she said quickly.
"Hey." His voice was quiet. "Um, come on in." He stepped aside, and closed the door after Genrou had walked through. "What, uh, are you doing here?"
She turned and stared at him incredulously. "What the fuck do you think I'm doing here?"
Kouji shrugged. "You wanna beat the hell out of me?"
Genrou crossed her arms over her chest. "It's tempting, but no."
The blue-haired man sat down on the couch. "Listen, Genrou.. I—"
"No," she held up a hand. "I want you to listen for a minute."
He nodded in silence. Genrou sat on a chair across from him, rested her elbows on her knees. "You left me, Kouji. You left me bleeding from a gunshot wound to my side. I was in the hospital for two months, and then I was sent to prison for six. You completely disappeared, without a fuckin' trace. Now, three years later, you come waltzing back into town like fuckin' Billy the Kid, and expect me to, what? Just forgive and forget?"
Kouji stared at her a moment. He felt like crying, knowing all he had put her through. "I wanted to come back sooner…"
"Then why didn't you?"
"Because…" he paused. "Okay, here goes. I'll admit it. I belong in the asshole's hall of fame for what I did to you. I know that. But, after I ran, I ended up getting arrested anyway. I just got out of prison two weeks ago, Gen-ku… Genrou, and I didn't have anywhere to go, so I came home. I was in a maximum security prison for three years!"
Genrou's mouth was dry. She choked on her words. "I-is that how you got that scar?"
Kouji ran a hand down the side of his face, following the length of a scar. "Yeah… I was in a fight, the guy pulled a knife."
She sighed heavily, then stood, lifted her shirt up a little. On her right side, a white scar the size of a silver dollar protruded out. "I guess we both have our battle wounds."
Kouji jumped up. "Great Suzaku… I wanted to come back so bad. I didn't want to run to begin with. Genrou.. I seriously thought you were right behind us! When I saw that you weren't, I tried to go back, but the guys wouldn't let me. They fuckin' dragged me away, said it was too late."
"We both have our regrets, Kouji." Genrou started toward the door. "I've moved on from mine… maybe you should do the same." She left, slammed the door behind her, leaving Kouji staring after her.
TBC… Hope you like it! I really like this fic… and I want to continue.. but I desperately need feedback from you, the readers!