Disclaimer: Own nothing
Summary: She was like one of those characters from Greek and Roman history. Like a siren on the shore, luring sailors to their doom. She was like Cleopatra, like Helen of Troy, like a teasing nymph. Angsty Spalison and Emison. Warnings for drug use and alcoholism.
Sirens don't only Lurk in the Sea:
Letting a long withheld breath out, Spencer Hastings sat on the brown wooden bench, hoisted in the air by iron bars and bannisters cloaked in black paint. She leaned forward, elbows on her knees, hands clasped, facing the grass caked meadow in front of her. The air was permeated by the scent of freshly fallen rain, though the sun was now high in the sky.
She was a mess. Draped in a baggy grey hoodie-yes a hoodie. Just a grey one, not black-never a black hoodie with its hood down, and dark green sweat pants and simple worn out sneakers.
This wasn't her usual attire. At all. Anyone that knew her, even a little knew that when she wore clothing like this, things were bad.
She stared down at the space between her clasped arms-at the bright green grass kissed by rainfall right between her feet. She tried not to laugh painfully. Her gaze was still blurry, still disorienting. The effects of the pills she had taken the night before still ebbing away ever so slowly. Honestly, she wasn't even sure what she had taken. Lithium maybe. She wasn't sure.
She smiled grimly. And to think this was all over one woman.
"Spencer!" A voice cried out, making her jump up from the bench, the shock of the abrupt interruption almost making her topple over.
She gradually steadied herself and turned, looking in the direction of the voice to see Emily Fields, one of her long time friends running towards her, fear written in every inch of the black-haired woman's expression.
"Spencer!" Emily repeated as she reached the alcove of the meadow where the brunette stood, "Where were you? We've been looking all over for you!" Spencer lifted an eyebrow. "We?" She echoed. "Yes," Emily affirmed, staring closely at her friend once she came to a stop, edging closer cautiously as if worried that Spencer would lash out (which she might have been), "We. We've all been looking for you. All morning. Remember? You called us. Last night."
Spencer felt a cold numbness slither through her. Oh hell, what did she do last night? She remembered nothing. She just remembered being depressed about Alison and shoving a bunch of pills into her mouth, along with spilling gouts of vodka down the tunnel of her throat and then…nothing.
"You called us," Emily repeated in a soothing tone, getting closer till she was only three inches from Spencer, "You called Ali and me on our landline. You….," Emily hesitated, dark eyes shifting before finishing, "You were crying. You were sobbing over the phone about how you missed Ali and that she broke your heart."
Spencer's lower jaw parted from her upper one, eyes becoming huge. What? What was Emily saying she had done? "Wh…what?" She nearly whispered out staring back at Emily.
"I know, I know," Emily said, wincing, "It's a tense subject. I know the feeling. Alison looked really choked up when she heard you say that. And she was pleading for you not to cry and that she was sorry." Pain clenched Spencer's heart. She did that to Alison?
"Oh god." She breathed out, eyes becoming slits slowly, heated moisture starting to swell.
"Yeah," Emily said, shifting, looking like she would like to say anything else except this, "That was 5 o'clock in the morning. Both of us, Aria, Hanna, Caleb, Toby, Shana, Noel, Cece and Paige have been looking everywhere for you after you hung up. The doorman at your building said you just bolted out of the building. We…..we had to contact Melissa and she brought her car around for us when we get you back."
Though Spencer registered what Emily said, the waves of unfiltered agony struck hard, overflowing her senses. She had said that to Alison? She had told Alison that she had broken her heart.
"Oh god." She repeated, sitting back down on the bench, leaning back, eyes fixed on the clear vision of the meadow in front of her, too shocked to say or do anything else.
She barely heard the distressed sigh next to her as Emily sat down. "Spencer," The swimming instructor said gently, and without even turning to her old high-school friend, Spencer knew the raven-haired woman was looking at her with empathy (not sympathy; empathy was too close for it not to be what Emily felt right now-they both knew what it was like after all), "You know you could have talked with me first before this happened. You know that I know how this feels. I went through it for almost three years before we found Ali in Ravenswood."
Spencer almost flinched. She wanted to snap that Emily didn't know what it was like-she was married to the girl of both their dreams. But those years when they had believed Ali to be dead couldn't have been easy for either of them. Spencer had always known that she wasn't the only one in love with Alison. It had hurt all of them when Alison had disappeared, but Emily's love had just been the one they had believed to be the most potent and tattered when they found the body of Bethany, Alison's half-sister and they believed it to be Ali.
It just happened that no one knew about Spencer's feelings. Spencer didn't wear her heart on her sleeve like Emily did.
"Why were you crying on the phone like that, Spence?" Emily asked gently, "Please talk to me." Again, no answer. Finally, Emily's eyes hardened a little in that way Spencer knew that told you not to mess with her. "Okay, seriously, Spencer," Emily pushed, "We thought the whole -A thing was happening again when we couldn't find you. The others might still think it. Quit messing around. Or have you forgotten? I know what heartbreak's like too."
Spencer felt like she had been slapped in the face. No matter how much hearing that hurt, Emily was right. She closed her eyes, unable to bear the heat of Emily's sad stare on her. "I remember finding some pills under my bed," She began cautiously, not sure how Emily would take this, "And I just…..after I met your daughters, Jenna and Courtney and I saw you and Ali together…..I….I just couldn't stop thinking about it last night and so when I saw the pills…..pills used for recreational purposes and well, I was already drinking vodka," Spencer's eyes opened and she turned to Emily, whose deep doe brown eyes were filled with tears, a pained grimace across her beautiful face. She looked desperately like she wanted to hug Spencer.
"So that's what happened." The brunette choked out, "I know. I'm a complete wreck. None of you can trust me. The moment things get too stressful or I don't get my way I turn to a bottle of some kind. If it's not alcohol, it's a bottle of pills. I'm not reliable. I know that." She turned away, burying her face in the palm of her right hand, "I know that's why Alison chose you over me. You're stable at least."
She didn't hear any response. Turning to Emily, unsure, she almost jumped in surprise when Emily bolted forward and enveloped the brunette in a fierce hug. "I'm sorry, Spencer," Emily wept into Spencer's neck, "I'm so sorry. I can't imagine. You were going through the same thing I was when Alison went missing, and I never knew. I'm so sorry. I wish you could have told me. I'm sorry if I made you think you couldn't trust me with this. All that time….."
With each weeping word, tears dropping into the dark tendrils of both their manes, Spencer felt her own arms wrap tightly around Emily, feeling heat start to accumulate in her eyes as well, moisture starting to emerge.
For what must have been at least five minutes straight, the two old friends held each other and cried against one another. Finally, they parted from each other's grasp, facing one another. Spencer wiped away her tears as she said quietly, "I'm sorry I made all of you worry. And I'm….I'm especially sorry I hurt Ali when I said that over the phone." Emily nodded, brushing the back of her hand against own eyes, trying to get rid of the last moisture falling from her eyes, "It's okay. You need to speak to Ali, but it's okay." When they both at last relaxed and their tears were all but extinguished, Emily dared the question out, "How long? How long have you known that you were in love with her?"
Spencer smirked, feeling another stab of pain at her already wounded heart. "How would I know?" She said mirthlessly, "How did you find out? With Alison, it's inevitable that you'll fall in love with her in some way. Even Aria and Hanna to a certain extent kind of did. Maybe not like we did, but we both know they would do anything for her. Always would in the past and still would."
Emily tried not to laugh. She knew what Spencer meant. It was so easy to fall in love with Alison and not keep track of the "when" part of it. Just like it was easy to fall in love with the blonde and not realize where you were being lured to and probably wouldn't care if Alison was the endgame.
She was like one of those characters from Greek and Roman history or myth. Like a siren on the shore, luring sailors to their doom. She was like Cleopatra, like Helen of Troy, like a teasing nymph.
But it looked like sirens didn't only lurk in the sea. Sometimes they had jobs and walked sidewalks like everyday people. It was like meeting a temptress that appeared normal and knowing that you were likely going to be dragged to your demise, but just didn't care, as long as the temptress kept her little games up, as long as she showed that attention to you then you would be fully appreciative of a seductress taking your soul.
"I know," Emily smirked, "But I wouldn't change a thing. I wish…I wish there was a way-"
"Don't," Spencer said, dark eyes flashing in warning, "Don't even suggest it. You have this nice little family. You and Alison are happy together. Your kids adore you. I'm not going to ruin that. I already went too far this morning." The brunette looked out at the field again and asked, treading carefully, "Do you have your cell on you? I mean, if you could call the others and tell them you've found me and that it's not a -A thing."
"Sure, sure." Emily nodded, pulling her black cell phone out, "I'll call Ali now." Spencer stiffened and Emily shook her head, "You're going to have to face her one day. And she was terrified about you when she heard you sobbing. She's been freaking out all morning saying that it was her fault."
Spencer squeezed her eyes shut. More pain stabbed at her again. The thought of Alison blaming herself over something Spencer had done made her tear up again.
Slowly she turned back to Emily, eyes open. "Is she okay?" She asked, knowing she didn't have a right to ask that. Emily nodded, dialing Alison's number without looking down at the phone, "She's just really scared for you. Don't worry; Olivia, Jenna, Courtney, Kara and the dogs are with their grandparents. I asked mom and dad to come over and watch them while we looked for you. But Alison's okay. Just really emotionally a wreck." Spencer winced again. Dammit.
Another sympathetic glance from Emily as the black-haired woman hit the 'send' button on her phone and there was a ringing flowing out of the phone's speaker. Emily shouldn't be sympathetic with her, not after what she did.
And not after finding out that she coveted Emily's wife for god's sake!
But Spencer knew that Emily would. Emily was one of the best people in the world. She forgave nearly everyone. Maybe that was another reason Alison chose Emily and not Spencer.
Emily smiled gently at one of her dearest friends, "It'll be okay." She pressed the phone to her ear, "Ali! It's alright. Shh, shh, no, I found Spencer, she's alright. No, no, this wasn't -A. She just was very smashed last night."
Spencer knew she should find the phone interaction amusing, but the guilt was too much at the moment. She dreaded meeting Alison's eyes after she had pretty much admitted her feelings and blamed the blonde for all of them while she was drunk and high. And she desperately did not want Emily to oversee this at all after the talk they just had. But it was happening now. And soon, she would have to face the woman of both their dreams.