«Yes, No, Maybe»
Chapter 1: Then the Quiet Explosion
A/N: I have SO much to say, please bear with me. I wasn't expecting this chapter to be this long, i swear, but it just happened. This first chapter is very introductive so I'm nervous about that since the romance isn't "that" present yet, well it is (towards the end, kinda) but it will be developed in each chapter so you're gonna have to be a bit patient to get the spicy things you probably want to read.
ALSO! Kaneki's mother plays a huge role in this story, so if you're uncomfortable reading abusive behaviors, just... don't read this.
NOTE: I do own Sayanara's permission to keep on writing/posting my story despite the similarities between our fics, we both are totally OK with each other and we have discussed our issues in private, as it should be. Thanks.
"One day I'll fly away
Leave your love to yesterday
What more can your love do for me?
When will love be through with me?
Why live life from dream to dream
And dread the day when dreaming ends."
—Randy Crawford, One Day I'll Fly Away
—o—
The lights of Tokyo flicker for long hours, shadows that throb like heartbeats ready to die. And they do.
They do.
The night is freezing. The wind freezes in every corner of a street that is empty and hollow, keeping a secret that nobody should know. That night, Tokyo confabulates to help them cover all their sins, to hide them away from curious stares and wash every tint of morality, every voice of reason lurking in the dark. During all these years, her body had been baptized in those crimes, an indelible sin that she had to carry on her skin like an ancient tattoo. It was like a divine punishment, a curse, a pact with the devil.
She can clearly remember the purity that once defined the texture of her skin. When her hair wasn't that blue and she only had two eyes for one person, one soul, the one she promised to love till the end of her days, but not anymore. The moment things started to shatter around her... she can't truly remember. It couldn't be now, at her twenty-three years old, right? Maybe when she first met him, back when she was six? Or maybe during their younger years in high school... she really can't tell. The shadows of a frosty night consume her just as the poignant taste of his lips. They take, and steal, and shatter, it lights a fire in her chest that she knows, she knows, she knows it will burn till the day she dies.
And there's no consolation.
She's already trapped in the arms of a reaper.
—o—
Numb.
Everything is numb.
The burden of life—the burden of alcohol, too—feels heavy upon her being, scratching every corner of her mind, squeezing every part of her body, forcing her to hide underneath the sheets with a lazy sigh. It didn't happen, she reassures herself. Just forget about it.
Touka groans in her slumber, eyes slightly closed by the touch of the sunlight coming through the window and landing on her face. She sinks her face into her pillow as she feels Haise's deep yawn by her side. She feels his steps as he walks out from their bed and shuffles to the bathroom to take a quick shower and spread some spray to get that fluffy hairstyle that she likes so much. She hears his presence coming back to the bedroom, picking a white shirt from the closet, striped pants and buckling his brown belt, the one she gave him for his last birthday.
She feels him coming closer until the feeling of his lips touching her cheeks wakes her up.
"Touka-chan," he sweetly calls. "Wake up, bunny."
Bunny.
In other circumstances, in different mornings, she would have smiled at the tender name. She always did. But today is different. She groans, burying her face in her pillow as another wave of pain hits her brain, a painful reminder of the party from last night.
"Why…" she complains in response, hearing Haise's shoes walking all the way to the window to open it completely, allowing the sun to brighten the entire room.
"Because," he explains, walking to the other side. "We have our dinner at my mom's house, remember?"
The dinner. Right. She groans again, feeling rebellious.
She hears him giggle. The weight of his body gently looms over her, taking off the sheets to look at her face. Touka blinks at his beautiful face, smiling softly at her. A soft scent of mint and hairspray lingers in the air.
"I'm sorry," he apologizes, rubbing her arms and taking her hands to kiss them softly. "I know that you're tired today. You went crazy last night."
Touka frowns, turning over to hide her face with the sheets again. She hears him laugh.
"Stop."
"What happened to you? You're not much of a drinker."
Ugh.
"Shut up."
"Saiko found you, you were crying because you wanted a strawberry cake. You cried all the way home when I told you that all the bakeries were closed."
"Stop! I don't want to know!" she growls, and Haise keeps laughing, planting a kiss on her shoulder.
"Okay, okay! No one knows, though. I made sure that nobody saw you. Shirazu suspects something but Saiko made sure to cover it up for us. So it's a secret."
A secret.
Yeah, it surely was.
Touka frowns, trying to erase every single memory of that night. Every single one.
"Come on, wake up, you need to get ready." Haise gives her waist a funny squeeze that makes her squirm and walks out towards the closet, looking for something. "Mom called me a few hours ago. She seems to be in a good mood today."
Touka turns around on the bed, curling up to look at him.
"Who's coming?" she asks, hands already trembling with the thought.
Part of her doesn't want to know the answer to that.
"Just us," he replies, grabbing a watch from his drawer and adjusting it around his wrist.
"All of us?"
Haise blurts out a tired sigh, giving her a quick glance from the huge mirror in front of him.
"Yeah, all of us," Haise closes the drawer, fixing his hair. "I told Kaneki that if he didn't come too, I would stop talking to him."
Touka snorts, rolling her eyes in annoyance. Haise was way too sweet, way too gentle with his younger brother, when all that he needed was a firm hand to teach him some manners. If he was my brother… she thinks, yet she knows he's not. She's everything but his sister. Sometimes she wishes that she was.
"Like if he cares," she complains.
Haise sighs, defeated.
"I know, but he still has responsibilities. I told him to bring a cake, I hope he remembers," her fiancé walks away from the closet. "God, sometimes I don't know what to do with him."
Touka snorts.
"You need to beat the shit out of him."
He smiles.
"I'll leave that to you," he says. "Come on, get up. I'll make you breakfast."
Touka observes the way her sweet Haise leaves their room, the heels of his shoes clacking all the way to the kitchen as she hears the sound of the fridge being open, the water from the sink running, the sound of the cups being taken from the shelves. Touka blinks up at the ceiling above her, a hand rubbing her forehead as she turns her head around to look at the empty spot on the bed, frowning at the feeling of her heart tearing open at the memory of last night.
It didn't happen, she reassures. It didn't fucking happen.
Oh, but it did. It did.
She decides to blame the alcohol, the unnecessary drunkenness of the moment. People make mistakes when they're drunk, right? Besides, nobody really saw them. Right? Or maybe they did, maybe they did see them, and now they're gonna tell Haise about it, now they're gonna—
Touka releases an exasperated sigh, groaning against the palm of her hands and feeling extremely angry with herself. With him.
How pathetic.
She heads to the bathroom and takes a cold shower. She stays there for long minutes, freezing and with eyes that burn slightly when she hears Haise's voice calling out for her, telling her that breakfast is ready. She doesn't answer, though. Touka keeps her eyes buried under lids shut by the drops rolling all over her face, the weight of all the guilt that is raining upon her right now.
In silence, Touka wipes out a tear. The only one she will allow herself to cry, she won't give him that satisfaction. She was happily engaged with Haise, the man of her dreams, wearing a beautiful ring on her finger that reminded her the reason of her existence, the reason for why she wanted to wake up every single morning, feeling his arms wrapped around her body and his fluffy hair tickling her nape.
"Where have you been?" he'd asked once Saiko found her, crying over silly excuses like "I want cake" and "my head hurts" even if they were all a lie.
Lies. Lies. Lies.
"I don't know," she'd replied, burying her face in his chest.
Ah, such a different smell. Clean cotton and chocolate mint. Nothing compared to the wild tobacco sense impregnated on his brother's jacket.
But then he'd wrapped her face in his hands, a tint of confusion crossing his features.
Why do you smell like cigarette? Ah, bunny, have you been smoking again?
No. Not me.
Touka sighs, hiding her face in the palm of her hands. Stop, stop it. Stop thinking about it. Forget it.
By the time she gets out of the shower, she's freezing. For a moment she regrets having used cold water, but it helped with her headache. She dries her hair and ties it in a small ponytail, picks up a tight jean and a huge sweater and that's it, she's ready to go. She finds Haise in the kitchen, using his pink apron and looking cuter than ever.
"T-Touka-chan, come un, hurry up, your coffee is getting cold."
Touka rolls her eyes, wrapping her arms around him and pressing a kiss on his back.
"Calm down, it's still very early."
It makes her laugh, somehow, that he's always freaking out about the tiniest things. He pats her hand, and then grabs a brown plastic bag from the nearest shelve. "I bought your favorite cookies. Eat something before we leave. How's your headache?"
Touka sighs, grabbing the bag and taking a seat, picking a cookie and taking a bite. She's not really hungry.
"I'm fine," she simply replies, lazily grabbing the remote control to turn on the news. "I took a cold shower, that helped."
Haise gasps, looking horrified. He hands her the cup of coffee and sits by her side, stirring the spoon in his own cup. "W-What? You're gonna catch a cold!"
She grimaces, ignoring him, when suddenly Haise's phone vibrates over the table. He takes a quick sip of his coffee and grabs his phone, looking at the screen. Touka keeps staring at the news, something about Urawa beating Shanghai to reach the Asian Champions League final. Oh, she thinks, Ayato would be happy. She'll make sure to give him a call later.
The sound of Haise's fingers writing on the keyboard forces her to run her eyes over his features with a tint of curiosity.
"Who is it?" she asks sweetly after taking a sip of the coffee, leaning to the bag to grab another cookie and take a bite.
He keeps his eyes on the phone, moving his fingers over the screen.
"Kaneki," he explains, a little distracted.
Touka stops chewing the cookie. It gets warmer in her mouth as her body slightly tenses. She forces herself to keep chewing, but the texture of the cookie slowly transforms into arid sand inside her mouth. Touka swallows, grimacing.
"What does he want?" she simply says, grabbing the mug to take another sip.
Haise sighs, putting the phone back on the table.
"Oh, nothing. He's just letting me know that he's coming."
Touka bites back an annoyed sigh, drawing her eyes away from Haise to look back at the TV again.
Great.
—o—
Mrs. Rieko was a wild thing, you see. A storm of her own. If a storm blows down a house or crushes a tree, no one says the storm was mean. It was cruel. It acted according to its dangerous nature and something or someone, unfortunately, was hurt.
"Mrs. Rieko has problems", her father used to say to her when Touka was only a child, asking about the bruises on Kaneki's body, the gloomy face on Haise's face every morning on their way to school, too innocent to understand the wild rules of adulthood. "We need to understand her."
But the truth is that Touka never could. As she grew older, she couldn't understand how Mrs. Rieko would rather spend her whole day sleeping instead of taking her kids to the park, buy them an ice cream cone, help them with their homework — do all the things that her own mother did with her when she was only a baby. She couldn't understand how antidepressants and bottles of alcohol seemed to be her only motor of life, the only thing that would push her forward to live another day. She couldn't understand how Mrs. Rieko couldn't find that comfort in their son's eyes, how Haise had to become an adult at such a young age, become a parent and take care of their younger brothers, take care of his own sick mother and stand nights of endless nightmares, broken bottles crashed against lonely soils and the bruises on Kaneki's body.
She just couldn't.
Still, Mrs. Rieko was a lovely woman when the days were kind to her, and she loved Touka deeply.
"Oh, dear!" she greets after opening the door, smiling brightly at the sight of her most beloved son, Haise, and his beautiful future wife, Touka. She tugs her in a tight embrace. "I'm so happy that you came!"
Mrs. Rieko stares at her with graceful eyes, her eyelashes spreading in extravagant length. She was a gorgeous woman. Very small, just like her.
Touka smiles, squeezing her back.
"How are you?"
"I'm good, sweetie, I'm good," She moves to one side to let them come inside. "Haise, dear, take the bags to the kitchen, please."
Haise nods, quickly moving over to the kitchen to save the drinks they brought inside the fridge, quickly dodging little Ken with a smile as he comes running to crash against Touka's body in a firm embrace.
"Touka-chan!" the boy screams, smiling up at her with bright eyes.
Rieko laughs.
"He's been talking about you all day when I told him you were coming over."
Touka giggles, bending over to match little Ken's height and squeeze his cheeks.
"Oh, is that so?"
Ken nods, coming closer to give her a hug, his little arms enveloping her neck tightly against his body. Touka sighs, returning the gesture. He was the younger of five brothers and the apple of Haise's eyes. She would never forget the day Haise wept when he told her that little Ken had called him dad by accident, quickly apologizing for it at realizing his mistake. "You don't have to apologize for that, Ken," Haise had replied. "You can call me whatever you want." From that day, as Touka can remember, Ken would still refer to Haise as dad sometimes. It was a beautiful yet heartbreaking thing to hear.
"I missed you a lot," Ken whispers, smiling when Touka picks him up from the floor, clinging to her neck like a tiny monkey. "I want you to read me a picture book."
Touka smiles, parting her lips to reply in agreement, but Rieko interrupts with an annoyed sigh.
"Later, Ken, later. She has to help me with dinner."
Her tone comes off sharp and cold, not being able to realize the disappointed gesture on Ken's face. His mom turns around, picking up some toys from the floor and leaving a tense atmosphere behind. Touka sighs, brushing Ken's hair and smiling at him softly, trying to cheer him up a little.
"It's okay," she reassures. "I'll read you after dinner."
Ken's eyes shimmer. "R-Really?"
Touka nods, kissing his cheek.
"I promise."
She puts him down and smiles softly at the sight of Kuroneki and Shironeki entering the room. They were both around Ayato's age, although Kuroneki was a year younger. Touka suddenly realizes how similar he looks to Kaneki, but gentler, softer, kinder. Shironeki, on the other hand, was a mix of Haise and Kaneki, with his pale hair and boring features. He reminded her a lot of her brother Ayato.
"Mom," Shironeki says. "You have a phone-call."
Mrs. Rieko frowns. "Who is it?"
Shironeki shrugs, not really showing interest.
The woman sighs, nodding.
"Touka, dear, can you start making the rice, please?" she asks, walking towards the other room to pick up the phone. "I'll be right back!"
Touka nods, coming closer to greet Kuroneki with a hug.
"Hi, Touka-chan," he delivers a sheepish smile, patting her back softly.
"She looks fine today, doesn't she?" Touka pulls away with a sad smile, staring at the way Kuroneki nods nervously, turning around to glance at his mother speaking on the phone, smiling and giggling at the conversation. He softly lifts up his hand to scratch his chin.
"Y-Yeah," he says, drawing his eyes away from his mother to look back at Touka.
He's lying.
God. She knows these kids way too well. Touka's eyes fall on Shironeki who's reading something on his phone. She frowns, feeling terribly rejected.
"Hey, brat. Aren't you gonna give me a hug too?"
He flicks up his gaze, disgusted.
"I'm not a kid anymore, Touka," he responds slowly, the warm tone of his voice trying to hide this inner child that she still sees within him.
Her brows arch in amusement. Kuroneki starts laughing once Touka comes closer and wraps Shironeki's neck under her arms, trying to force him into an uncomfortable and embarrassing embrace. The boy shrieks, unable to pull away. Touka was extremely strong and tough despite her short appearance.
"A-Ah! T-Touka-chan, stop!" his voice doesn't sound that deep once he starts screaming like a girl. "H-Haise, help me!"
His older brother comes out from the kitchen carrying the empty bags, smiling softly.
"Don't be mean. Hug her back," he scolds.
Touka gives up, gasping, and laughing at Shironeki's embarrassed expression. He really was like Ayato, wasn't he?
"I'll get my hug later, though. I won't give up," she complains, reaching out her hand to squeeze his cheek and getting an "ah, stop!" in response. She smiles, heart growing warmer, and heads towards the kitchen to start preparing the rice.
It was a funny thing, you see, that Mrs. Rieko was asking her to help her with dinner when Touka's cooking skills were completely atrocious. Haise was the expert one, an ability he acquired after years of taking care of his brothers, cooking lunch for them every day before going to school; and Rieko would complain about it very often. "She's going to be your wife, what kind of wife doesn't know how to cook for his husband? You need to teach her!" Haise would usually laugh, avoiding any kind of confrontation. For Touka's luck, Haise wasn't as traditional as his mother, and he really enjoyed cooking way more than she did. Still, it was amusing for Touka that every time she had to help Rieko with dinner she would always give her simple tasks. Make rice, beat some eggs, boil some water.
It was certainly a relief.
Touka sighs, rolling up the sleeves of her sweater as she grabs the pan from the rice cooker and opens the faucet to wash it in the sink, blue locks of hair falling on her eyes and messing her ponytail even more. She sighs once she's done, and the voice of little Ken coming out from the living room freezes every single nerve on her body.
"Kaneki!"
His damn name resurrects on her chest like a hopeful prayer — or a terrifying curse.
She almost feels like dropping out the pan into the sink, but she firmly holds on onto it. No, no. Don't drop it. Don't drop anything. Stay calm, act like as if he's not even there. But his voice sounds deep in the distance, way deeper than Haise's, or Shironeki's, or any other brother from this broken little family. He's not the oldest, actually, he comes second after Haise. Yet he's the tallest—way taller than her, it always made her feel like a goblin—the meanest, the darkest of them all. The black swan, as she used to call him when she was little. The evil twin, the black sheep of the family.
Touka blurts out a deep sigh, trying to ignore his voice in the background and concentrate on keep preparing the rice. Flashbacks of the previous night come and chase her, eat her alive, make her feel like the ugliest piece of shit the world has ever seen, but she pushes those thoughts away and thinks of the rice. Yes. Rice. Where's the rice? Touka looks around, not being able to find it, when she remembers that it's in the living room, on the dinner table, inside the bags that Haise brought with them. His mother told them to buy extra rice.
Great.
Be brave, Touka. Be brave.
She turns around, ready to get out of the kitchen, and stops when a tall and dark figure stands in her way, blocking the door in front of her. Touka is frozen. Frozen in place because the figure that she sees standing in her way is looking down at her, with his black shirt and black striped pants, all black, just as his soul. His messy hair, his cold glasses, an unlit cigarette butt pressed between his lips. With her breath high up in her lungs, Touka clenches her fists and flickers up her gaze to meet him.
Kaneki, the — Black Reaper, that's the silly name they gave him at his work — looks almost surprised to see her there, standing in his way. But his surprise vanishes away almost immediately, and the dark spark burning behind those ugly glasses sends shivers down her spine.
Disgusting.
He opens his lips to speak, but Touka is quick enough to shove him away, throwing his huge presence to the other side of the frame door.
"Move!" she groans, passing over him towards the living room, leaving him behind and walking to the table to take the rice out of the bags. Touka swears she hears his silly laughter. Idiot.
"Okay, Ken, just give me a minute," she hears Haise say to the youngest boy. He turns around, looking at Kaneki coming out from the kitchen with a match, trying to light his cigarette. Touka sees the way Haise looks at him, confused. "Where's the cake?"
Kaneki leans against the door frame, turning off the fire and bringing the cigarette to his mouth before taking a long drag. Then, the suave curve of his lips puff out the smoke with elegance. All of this with a soft grin.
"What cake?"
Both, Haise and Touka, sigh with irritation.
"God, Kaneki," Haise complaints, frowning, taking his wallet to grab some cash. "What am I going to do with you, huh?"
Kaneki frowns, pretending to be confused.
"What did I do now?"
Haise gives Touka a quick and gentle glance.
"I'll go for the cake, I'll be right back."
Touka nods, sighing, and Haise abandons the house, shutting down the door behind him. Touka grabs the bag and walks towards the kitchen, passing through Kaneki and avoiding any kind of eye contact with him, she doesn't even want to think about it. Her quick hands open the rice bag and pour out some cups into the pan, the voice of Haise's mom still giggling on the phone, she probably didn't even realize that Kaneki was there. She probably doesn't even care, either.
Touka sighs, frowning. Why is she even thinking about t —
"Kirishima-san."
Her body twitches when his voice disrupts her sanity. She hears his steps coming closer until he's in the kitchen, by her side, leaning against the fridge as he smokes his cigarette with no remorse. Touka doesn't look at him, filling the pan with water and placing it in the rice cooker.
"Fuck off," she responds in a low tone.
Her hands are fucking trembling.
Kaneki smiles, the smoke puffing out of his nose, then his mouth.
"That's rude," he replies with a hoarse voice. She ignores him, but the bastard keeps going. He never stops. "You never talk like that with my dear mother, not even with my brother. You only talk dirty to me. Why is that?"
Touka closes the lid of the rice cooker and presses the button so it can start cooking.
"Because I hate you."
"It didn't seem like you hated me last night."
She opens the faucet, washing some dirty dishes with ease.
"Last night?" she asks, indifferent to his teasing. "I don't know what you're talking about."
Kaneki flicks up his eyebrows, and for a moment Touka is scared. She shouldn't have said that.
"Oh, are you sure? If I remember correctly," he starts, and leans closer, and closer, until she can hear his voice speaking near to her ear. Her hands squeeze the sponge firmly. "Kaneki, please… I need — "
She turns around, red and furious.
"Shut up!" she yells in a low tone, looking at the door and hoping that no one's heard the atrocity he just said. "Haise is — "
"He's out," Kaneki finishes for her.
"I don't care, just shut up," she scolds, and after thinking about it for a second, she grabs his arm and drags him towards the small laundry room inside the kitchen, pushing his back against the wall. He looks surprised, almost coughing with his own cig, but Touka's eyes are haunting and burning with rage. "Listen to me. You will fucking forget about it, did you hear me?"
A glint of amusement sparks in his eyes.
"I thought you said that nothing happened last ni — "
"I was drunk," she replies in her defense, staring at his cold eyes behind his Harry Potter glasses. "I didn't know what I was doing. If you got the wrong idea, then you're a little shit. Just leave me alone and don't fucking ruin things for me, okay?"
She waits, and waits, and waits for his answer. However, all he does is smile. A cocky, arrogant and shitty smile. God, she hates him so much.
"I love it when you talk dirty."
Touka groans, disgusted.
"Fuck you."
"I'm back!"
Haise's voice comes out from the entrance and Touka jumps in her place, heart throbbing furiously. Kaneki smirks, making fun of her, and Touka runs away from him as fast as she can, greeting Haise at the entrance. He's holding the box with the cake, closing the door behind him.
"H-Haise," Touka says, and she catches herself wringing her hands together, so she clenches them into strong fists. "Did you bought the cake?"
A stupid question, considering that he's holding it in his hands.
He smiles sweetly at her. "Yeah, I brought your favorite one, strawberry."
A hint of pain courses through her being; her veins, her bones, her heart. She's a huge piece of shit. She doesn't deserve any of this. She doesn't deserve a strawberry cake from him, nothing at all. Still, she forces herself to smile, coming closer to him and giving him a soft kiss on the lips.
"Thank you," she whispers against his mouth, and then grabs the box. "I'll put it in the fridge."
He nods, smiling back, and Touka swallows hard when she turns around and Kaneki is there, looking at them, smoking his cigarette in complete silence. Touka avoids his gaze, which is upon hers, and walks towards the fridge to put the cake inside.
The next hour runs very quickly. Haise's mom finishes her phone call and starts helping Touka with dinner. The rice is ready, the vegetables are cooked and the soup is warm, waiting to be eaten. As she serves the plates, she asks Touka to put on the table. She does, walking to the dining room to place the plates, the chopsticks, the glasses, until she stumbles upon Kaneki's legs both resting on top of the table. He's sitting at the edge, looking comfortable while reading something on his phone. He doesn't seem to notice that she's looking at him, waiting for him to move his legs away, but he obviously doesn't.
"Kaneki," she calls, clenching her jaw. "Move your legs."
He doesn't even flick up his gaze to look at her, his long fingers moving rapidly through the screen of his black phone, frowning slightly as his glasses shine like diamonds. Touka sighs, placing the plate furiously on the table and then pushing his legs off of it. "I said move your legs, idiot!"
He stumbles a bit, looking at her with an annoyed expression. She ignores him, and when Mrs. Rieko comes back with all the food, they all sit to eat in peace, at least, that's what Touka expects. This dinner isn't as different as others. The only one who keeps up the conversation is Haise, talking about work, making his mother laugh as Shironeki eats in silence and Ken avoids the greens, only eating the rice. Kaneki keeps his eyes fixed on his phone, completely oblivious to his surroundings, ignoring every single person inside the room. Touka feels his gaze upon hers from time to time, driving her crazy as she tries to keep focused on her food, on Mrs. Rieko's words, on Ken's little smiles, but the truth is that their eyes meet occasionally. He looks annoyed, like if he doesn't even want to be there. Of course he doesn't.
Mrs. Rieko smiles, drawing everyone's attention.
"W-Well," she starts, brushing her dark hair behind her ears. "There was a reason for why I wanted us all together today."
Touka adverts the way Kaneki's bored eyes look up at her, not expecting anything great. Kuroneki gives a sheepish smile, staring at her.
"What is it, mom?"
Rieko sighs, looking at her own plate.
"I… I'm getting better," she confesses, smiling with glossy eyes. "I want to get better. For all of you, I have to. I got rid of all the bottles that I had, and I already have two weeks without drinking anything at all, I'm officially sober. Right, Kuroneki?"
She looks at him, expecting an answer, and Kuroneki gives an uncomfortable nod. His eyes fall back on his plate.
"Y-Yes, mother."
Mrs. Rieko nods, happily staring at Haise.
"You see? I really am trying and I truly feel that this time things will be different. I really believe that I — "
The sound of a cold giggle disrupts the speech. Touka closes her eyes, already knowing what's going to happen next. Ken, Shironeki, Haise, Kuroneki… all of them are silent, the tension slowly building up until it's chocking them. Rieko keeps a forced smile, staring at the table and not moving a muscle. Slowly, her eyes fall on her son, Kaneki, who seems to be the only one having fun with the situation. He's still trying to repress a giggle, looking crueler than ever.
"Why are you laughing, Kaneki?" Rieko asks, and her voice shakes so much that Kuroneki closes his eyes.
He also knows what's about to happen. Touka's lips press together in a thin line, shoulders dropping, eyes looking at Kaneki and begging him to stop, stop, stop, but he won't. He never does.
His voice is deep as he speaks.
"Yeah, well, let's see how long it lasts. How was it last time? Three days?"
Shit.
Haise gives him a look that resembles the eyes of an angry father trying to educate his rebellious son, but Kaneki doesn't look back, he keeps his eyes fixed on his beloved mother. Rieko, on the other hand, draws her eyes away from him. She's not smiling anymore, she keeps looking at her plate, and Touka can notice her hands trembling. The silence is so loud that the poor little Ken, with only nine years old, feels forced to break it into pieces, smiling sheepishly and stammering as he speaks.
"H-Haise," he says, blinking repeatedly. "I h-have a book that I think you might like, they gave it to me in school."
Haise's eyes look impossibly sad as he stares at his little brother, who's trying to act like everything is fine. He keeps talking, even when Touka hears Rieko speak in a slow tone, but nobody hears her.
"S-Shut up," Rieko whispers, looking down, but Ken keeps talking.
"… it's about a dragon that one day finds a butterfly in the forest and he — "
"I said shut up!"
This time, Rieko's scream reverberates through the entire room, making Ken stop almost immediately when he hears his mom's hand being slammed against the table, making all the plates tremble and clatter. After that, she starts crying. Rieko blurts out a dramatic sob, covering her face with her hands as she swings back and forth, making Touka sigh and Haise jump out of his seat, trying to comfort his mother.
"Mom, please," he begs.
She shakes her head.
"Why, why, why!" she yells, looking up at Kaneki, and then at all his children. All of them except Haise. "All of you! I'm so sick of all of you! Every time I try to do something right… e-every time I try… y-you all ruin everything!"
Haise squeezes her shoulders, trying to help her rise from the chair.
"Mom, please, calm down. Kaneki didn't mean it," he reassures.
"I don't want anything," Rieko laments, sobbing deeply. "You all want to see me dead, is that it? You all would be so happy if I die."
Shironeki sighs, leaving the table and walking to his room without saying goodbye, clearly annoyed from another drama. That gets Mrs. Rieko on her nerves even more, "Yes! Yes! Leave like you always do! Always leaving your mother alone!" Ken is trembling, and Touka makes him a sign to stand up and come to her. He does it quickly. He gets up from the chair and walks towards her to sit on her lap, Touka wraps her arms around him, whispering that everything is fine. Kuroneki is silent, staring at his plate.
Haise drags his mom away from the table.
"Come on, mom, you need to lay down. Have you taken your pills?"
She shakes her head, walking alongside her son way to her room. "I don't want to, they don't help me. I… I would like a drink. Haise, please, if you could — "
"Later, mom, later. You need to sleep now."
Their voices get lost in the distance as they walk away from the dining room, and then the place is filled with Touka's calm breathing, Ken's little heartbeats and the cold gaze from Kaneki at the empty spot his mother left on the table. She looks at him, frowning, wanting to scold him and comfort him at the same time. During an instant the incident from last night is completely erased from her memory. From all Rieko's sons, Kaneki has always been the first victim, the punching bag.
"Kaneki — "
He doesn't even look at her. He gets up from the chair, grabs his phone, his jacket, and marches all the way to the front door that shuts a tad too loudly, making every wall in the house shake just as Ken's body in her arms, slightly scared by the thumping noise of his brother's rage.
Touka sighs, caressing Ken's hair.
"Do you want me to read you the picture book?"
He nods quickly against her chest, and she looks up to smile at Kuroneki.
"You want to hear it too?"
He's not a child anymore, however, Kuroneki smiles tenderly, nodding. She smiles too.
"Okay."
—o—
They all curl up on the floor with their backs against the couch to read the picture book. Even Shironeki, who was hiding in his dark room, joins them after hearing Touka's voice sweetly reading out loud a book that he already knows, however, it doesn't stop him from sitting by her side and shamelessly rest his head on her shoulder, staring at the book with sad eyes. It had always been this way between them. For Touka, Haise's brothers weren't just Haise's brothers, they were also part of her family, part of her heart. They would often go out together some weekends by Haise's suggestion, insisting that maybe the kids — as he usually called them — needed to get out of that house and breathe some fresh air, have fun, spend some time away from their mother who was mentally unstable almost every single day. And Touka never took it as a nuisance, she was more than happy to take care of them, and be there for them when they needed her.
They were all her kids too.
After half an hour, Haise abandons his mother's room with a tired sigh. His heart grows warm at the sight of Touka reading the book to his baby brothers, reciting the words between whispers, like a powerful secret. He smiles sadly, thinking of how different his life would be without her, how hard all of this would be without Touka's help, without her support. He knew she would become an amazing mother after getting married.
Touka gives the book to Kuroneki when she realizes that Haise is there, staring at them. She joins them, squeezing his arms.
"Is she okay?"
Haise sighs, taking her hand.
"She fell asleep. I called my aunt, she's coming over to stay for the day and look after her. You should go home, bunny, I'm sorry for all this."
Touka shakes her head, pushing his hair backward.
"It's okay. We all know how this is."
"I'll get going once my aunt is here."
Touka nods, closing her eyes when Haise leans to kiss her on the lips. When they break apart and Touka makes an attempt to grab her purse, Haise looks around, frowning slightly.
"Where's Kaneki?"
Touka grimaces.
"He left."
Haise sighs, looking defeated.
"I-I should call him… but he never answers his phone, especially if it's me," he complains, and after thinking about it for a second, he looks at her. "Do you think you can call him for me? He will probably answer if he doesn't know who's calling."
No, no, no, no. Fuck. Why? Why her?
Touka swallows her anger, this is not a moment to make a scene, especially after what happened.
"Y-Yeah but, I don't have his number."
Haise plucks out his phone from his pocket and asks for Touka's phone. She gives it to him, and he quickly adds Kaneki's number to her contact list.
"Done," he says.
Yeah.
Done.
—o—
It takes several hours for her to have the courage to call Kaneki once she gets home. She lays on her bed, staring at the number and wondering if she should lie to Haise. Again. She could lie, and say that she did call him, and that he didn't answer. Or that he did answer, and that everything was fine. But she didn't want to add more regrets to the list, so she takes a deep sigh and closes her eyes, calling him and leading the phone to her ear.
One, two, three.
Breathe, okay. Just act casual. Be cool.
Four, five, six.
Come on.
Seven, eight, nine —
"Hello?"
Touka gasps, clearly surprised that he finally answered. For a moment, she thought he wouldn't. She cringes from the awkward tone of her voice as she speaks. This is the first time she's ever talked to him on the phone. The first time in years of knowing each other, years of so many memories that Touka doesn't have any more space inside of her to keep. Yet, this is the first time both speak on the phone. Awkward, isn't it?
"H-Hey," she says clumsily, frowning. "Uh, it's me."
There's a pause.
"'It's me' who?" She swallows hard, but also frowns at the annoyed tone he implements while speaking. He clearly doesn't like to get phone calls, does he? His voice sounds hoarse and raspy, was he sleeping?
She sighs, clearly annoyed too.
"Me, asshole. Touka."
Another pause.
She hears him swallow, although she's not entirely sure.
A sigh.
"What do you want."
Touka rubs her eyes, repressing a yawn.
"Haise told me to call you. He wants to know if you're okay."
He gasps.
"Tell him to piss off. I don't need him to babysit me."
What the fuck?
Touka's eyes flicker in surprise, mouth wide open. She looks around, unsure of what to say next. Why does he have to be such an ungrateful little shit all the time? Kaneki notices her lack of words, so he sighs again, losing his patience.
"Anything else? You're boring me."
B-Boring…? You little —
"Yeah!" she yells, angry as hell as she sits up on the mattress, heart increasing its speed. "F-Fuck you!"
His sick laughter is the last thing she hears before he hangs out, leaving her there with her heart stuck in her throat. Touka keeps her eyes fixed on the screen, feeling tempted to call him again and scream a quite number of things but she holds back, taking deep breaths. She goes to her contact list, reading his name there.
Kaneki.
Biting her lower lip in annoyance, her fingers travel to the name and do their mischievous magic.
Are you sure you want to change contact name to "Bakaneki"?
Her fingers touch the screen with a fervent passion.
Accept.
—o—
Touka never thought her lips would ever caress the mouth of another man that wasn't her future husband. That they would breathe another name, another scent, another smell. Of all the things she feared in life, this one was the last of her concerns.
However, it did happen.
What was the saying, though? Life is full of surprises, wasn't it? How miserable, vague and pathetic would it be to say that Touka didn't feel surprised? That when her lips searched for his, she didn't feel surprised at all.
She felt relief.
The CCG meetings could always be a fun thing if you were lucky enough. As Haise's girlfriend, as Haise's fiancée, as his future wife, it was a responsibility for her to join him every time the CCG would make an important reunion with delicious food, nice drinks and funny anecdotes among the detectives. Haise had been promoted that day, and although he insisted that she didn't have to come if she didn't want to, Touka kept her pride in the highest place, persisting in her idea of being by his side on such an important day. Besides, almost all the detectives from the CCG were regular customers in her shop, :re, so she knew every single member of that building. They were Haise's friends, therefore her friends too.
She hugged Saiko, annoyed the hell out of Urie and ate candies with Juuzou. They answered trivial questions about their future marriage, about a future life together, about having kids, about all the things Touka wanted to do with her life. Each question felt heavier and heavier upon her shoulders, until someone offered her a glass of champagne, and then another, and another, and soon she lost count of them and her feet walked aimlessly through the building, losing sight of Haise and everyone around.
Not everyone, though.
Once she got rid of her stupid high heels and found a safe spot on the floor near a window, wrapped by the loneliness of a dark and cold aisle, the smoke of Kaneki's cigarette made her remember that she wasn't completely alone.
Touka's drunkenness wasn't that serious to ignore the notion that Kaneki also worked in the CCG, always competing with his older brother to reach the highest rank. Until this day, Kaneki was still holding the title of Associate Special Class while his brother still felt trapped in a First Class rank. Haise never expressed his true feelings about it, but Touka knew how annoyed he felt by that fact. Despite her lack of coherent thoughts and drunkenness, she also knew that Kaneki wasn't prone to assist to these kinds of meetings, and he would only agree to come by Arima's request — the only person whom Kaneki seemed to truly respect.
She didn't ask him, though. When he mocked her for being drunk that night and sat by her side on the floor, she never asked what he was doing there, why did he come to the reunion, where he was all this time that she didn't see him.
And the only thing she did ask had nothing to do with the present. It was all about the past.
The past.
"Do you remember…" she started with lazy words, closing her eyes for a moment and trying to get her ideas straight.
Kaneki tilted his face to one side to look at her. She swallowed hard, and Kaneki's traveled towards her throat, they lingered there, on her neck, on the sweat that was slowly dripping, leaving a shiny path on her skin.
"When we were in school," she explained with a breathless voice, and his gaze pulled back up to her eyes. He stared at the curve of her long lashes, poorly covered in mascara, the shadow spreading through her cheeks. "And shitty Furuta did that thing to me."
He frowned under the moonlight, clearly remembering, but not quite understanding why did she bring that up. Touka questioned if the person beside her was truly him, the Kaneki she once knew, but the image was warm and fuzzy and real before her eyes, eyes that fall on his features: dark eyes, dark hair, everything was so dark about him. Yet, all that she could see in her memories was light.
"When he did that to me," she continued, blinking at his silence. "And you found out about it. You beat the shit out of him, you were so angry. I don't think I've never seen someone that angry in my life."
He shivers, staring at the way her hair covers her eyes, her forehead. Kaneki couldn't find the strength to even apologize for the way he was looking at her, completely forgetting that the woman in front of him was already taken by no one else than his own brother. His brother. And there's so much that he could tell her about that day, the one Touka is talking about. So much that he could tell her. Yet the words stay locked up on his tongue, swallowing every memory of it, every single feeling about it. He shouldn't be here, around her. She shouldn't be around him. They shouldn't even be here, yet they are. They are.
Kaneki maintained a safe distance as he spoke, eyes wanting to look down but still lingering on her features. Looking at Touka didn't use to be such a big deal in the past, but now... now, it was different. Or maybe it wasn't that different at all. Maybe, it still takes the same willpower, the same self-control, the same supernatural strength that he needed to find within him to hold back, hold back, and not fuck things up. Whatever he wanted, he would get it, but this was entirely different.
"Why are you remembering that?" he asks in a whisper, frowning. "Why now?"
Indeed, why.
Touka's eyes look sad as they flicker towards his hair, his nose, his parted lips.
"I don't know," she whispered, reaching out her hand to touch his mouth. "I just… did."
Touka didn't even know what she was doing when she leaned closer, and felt Kaneki's presence leaning closer too, and then their lips smashed together in a small gasp that it dissolved into her mouth as soon as he responded, opening his lips and taking hers in between. It felt like being kissed by shadows, being conquered by death, being burned by a fire she's never felt before. Their frigid lips were meshing and fusing together, the wet sounds of his tongue inside of her moving perfectly in sync. Her hand touched his chin, tilting her face to one side to deepen the kiss, and the sounds of their mouths were the only noise inside that lonely aisle. The sound of her gasps, too, when Kaneki's hand traveled through her leg and up to meet her waist underneath the jacket she was wearing. She could perfectly remember the way that her hands traveled towards his jacket, trying to unbutton it, and how Kaneki stopped the kiss for a moment to help her do it. They stared at each other's mouths, breathing against each other, her pink tongue sliding over his lips, tasting the familiar bitterness of his cigarette.
"K-Kaneki," she gasped against his mouth, his name pulsing in her chest. "Please, I… I need…"
No.
No, no, no.
What the hell was she doing?
She pulled away when Kaneki tried to capture her lips again. Both stared at each other for a moment, gasping and longing for more even when they knew they shouldn't. Touka looked at him, wiping out the traces of him from her mouth and her hand flew over his shoulder to find some balance, supporting herself on it to clumsily get up from the ground. She stood there for a moment, realizing what just had happened.
No. No. No.
"Fuck," she whispered, and grabbed her shoes, giving one step, and another, and another, walking away from him.
No. God. No.
She heard his voice calling out her name. Her name.
"Touka-chan, w-wait."
Her body turned around a little, giving him one last glance of deep horror and sorrow.
That was the first time he called her Touka-chan in years. Not Kirishima-san.
Touka.
And there was no consolation.
She was already trapped in the arms of a reaper.