Oh Baby!
By Water Fairy a.k.a. Mizu
Disclaimer: I do not own Powerpuff Girls.
Summary: "If I ever tell you I want kids, shoot me." Greens
Trivia: The experience with babies Buttercup talks about is from the episode "That's Not My Baby!"
Edit: Fixed some grammatical mistakes and errors. Also, props to MilitaryBratUSA for noticing that Brick had no mention or appearance whatsoever in this story. XD I hadn't even noticed myself that he didn't make an appearance or had a mention.
X-X-X
There were not many things in life that could make Buttercup speechless. One such thing was when Blossom cursed. Another was the actions of a certain green-eyed, raven-haired boy. There weren't many more. She was naturally silver-tongued and sharp-witted and thus when someone actually caused her to be speechless, it was quite the event. And that's exactly what had happened.
"W-What did you say?" Buttercup stuttered, blinking rapidly at her unimpressed health teacher.
Mr. McBennett sighed, rubbing his forehead. "I said with the way you're going right now, you're going to fail my class."
In all honesty, Buttercup didn't give a crap about school. If she failed, she failed. That was how she was. She got pretty decent grades usually anyway. Nothing that could hold a candle to Blossom's straight A, honor roll grades, but at least better than Bubbles. However, there was a time when she could not fail. And now was such a time. If she managed to get better grades for a whole year, the Professor would get her a car. (Well, get her and Blossom a car to share, but a car, nonetheless.) Flying was great, but cars had space to hold items. And carpooling. Especially to gigs. (She and Boomer vowed never again to cart around Lloyd's drums. That had been hell.)
"B-But I can't fail!" Buttercup argued, slamming her fists onto his desk. It gave a loud groan in protest, but thankfully it didn't snap. "There's got to be something I can do!"
"And that's why I asked you here after class," Mr. McBennett said, leaning back in his seat. "Now, if the other student I asked could get here, maybe I could t-."
"So, what's up, McB?"
Eye twitching, Buttercup stared dead into her health teacher's eyes. "You are kidding me."
Perfectly nonchalant, though she was certain he was shaking in his neon orange and indigo track pants, Mr. McBennett just laced his fingers together and leaned forward. He raised an eyebrow at the green puff and his lips quirked up into a smirk. "Thanks for joining us, Butch."
A sinister grin formed on said Rowdyruff's face. "Don't tell me that you're failing too, Butterfingers."
"I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you're failing," Buttercup snarled, unconsciously slipping into a fighting stance. Butch did as well, dropping his bag onto the ground in the process.
Standing abruptly, Mr. McBennett slammed down a box on his desk. "Now, none of that!" he snapped, frowning. "We're here to save your grades, not to fight!"
Sending a last glare at her counterpart, Buttercup reluctantly pulled out of a fighting stance. She crossed her arms and leered at the teacher. It wasn't her fault that she had an issue with her inner "monster". Her new ability didn't exactly help it either and while playing Cat and Mouse with Blossom was good, a nice, bloody fight with Butch was way better. Of course, pissing off Blossom until she exploded was just as good too, but Buttercup learned not to do that too often. (She hadn't had a hot shower for a month after that. Buttercup learned that posting online that your sister is a closet paranormal romance fan was not a good idea if one wanted a nice, hot shower in the morning. It wasn't as if she had announced that Blossom was a Twitard, which thankfully she wasn't; that was Bubbles.)
"Okay, fine. Now how the fuck can I raise my grade?" Buttercup snapped as Butch leaned casually against a desk.
Glaring at her for her language, Mr. McBennett just opened the box and, taking out whatever was inside, held it out to the green puff. Said teenager just stared blankly at the thing in his hands. It looked an awfully lot like…
"…why the fuck are you handing me a baby doll?" she asked, staring at the infernal thing as if it was about to attack her. "…I'm not touching it."
"You have to," Mr. McBennett responded, walking around the desk and thrusting the baby doll into Buttercup's arms. "This is your assignment. Both of you have to be the parents of this baby doll for the weekend."
This received two wide-eyed stares.
"W-What?" Butch managed to spit out, gaping at the health teacher.
"It's only for the weekend," Mr. McBennett explained. "Take care of this electronic doll for the whole weekend. It acts like a real baby." He pressed a button on the back and it immediately started wailing. Rising his voice above the electronic wailing, he continued, "Give it back Monday with a one page essay on the trials of parenting. This should be an easy A."
"Easy!" Butch shouted, covering his ears. "ARGH! Butters, fucking shut it the fuck up!"
This was definitely one of those moments that left Buttercup speechless.
This had to be the first time Buttercup flew home with Butch. After successfully shutting up the infernal device that was a so-called "Easy A", Mr. McBennett had shooed them from his classroom. And now they were flying home. Together. Buttercup groaned. She could just see Bubbles' face; big blue eyes wide, a huge smile on her pretty face, and her mind instantly jumping to a conclusion that had Buttercup nearly gagging. Her bubbly sister was going to think that they were together-together. Resisting the urge to slap herself, the raven-haired girl glanced over to her counterpart.
"…you're holding the baby wrong," she remarked, raising an eyebrow. "Just saying."
Glaring at her, Butch just fixed his grip so that instead of holding the baby by its leg, he was holding it like a football. Raising both eyebrows now, Buttercup snorted and continued to her house. She still couldn't believe she was doing this with Butch of all people. She still couldn't believe she was going to be playing house with Butch. Clenching her fists and her jaw, the green-eyed superhuman scowled angrily. This was not happening. The irritation building inside her finally exploded out as she shrieked angrily, her voice almost reaching sonic scream level.
"HOLY FUCK I'M FLYING THREE FEET FROM YOU, YOU CRAZY BITCH!" Butch shouted at her, twisting a knuckle in his ear from pain. "Holy shit. I think I've gone deaf!"
"Quit being a baby, pencil dick!" Buttercup snapped, glaring at him.
They continued throwing insults at each other until, halfway to her house, Buttercup realized something. She had stopped flying and was glaring furiously at Butch when she noticed something. Or rather, when she noticed the lack of something. She continued glaring at him, trying to figure it out, until it finally hit her. Heart sinking to her stomach, her eyes widened as she stared at her counterpart.
"Where's the baby?" she asked in a hushed voice, catching Butch off guard.
"What? The baby's right-shit." Butch looked down at his empty arms uncomprehendingly.
Buttercup felt her eye begin twitching. Her car, her beautiful, beautiful car, she could see it slipping through her fingers.
"You lost the baby!" she screeched, restraining herself from lunging at him. "Christ, Butch! We didn't even have it an hour!"
She streaked out then, Butch easily keeping up with her. The two raven-haired superhumans sped towards the school, eyes scanning the ground below them. Buttercup couldn't believe that Butch had lost the baby already. How the hell does one not realize a life-sized baby doll falling from one's grip? Her grade was not going survive if they didn't find that fucking doll. She searching fruitlessly, panicking beginning to set. You'd think she had lost her actual child and that, when she would look back later, made Buttercup frown in contemplation.
"Found it!" Butch called and a moment later, the green ruff was floating in front of her, holding a sap-covered, but intact, doll.
Buttercup felt tears well in her eyes. "My caaaaaar," she sang taking the doll from her counterpart.
"Car?" Butch echoed, but Buttercup paid him no attention and was instead cradling the doll affectionately.
This was a side that Butch never saw from Buttercup. She was always tough and smart-alecky around people and so one of the guys, that Butch often forgot the she was indeed a girl. She acted like one of the guys. The motherly one was Blossom, but now, looking at Buttercup cradling that stupid doll so gently, Butch felt something in his chest. Frowning, he patted his front, pretending to brush pine needles from it. What had been that feeling? Shaking his head, he refocused on Buttercup who probably just realized how she had been acting. A pretty pink blush adorned her cheeks and she was glaring at him.
"This is how you hold a baby, dipshit," she told him and just like that, whatever Butch had just seen was gone.
Rolling his eyes, Butch crossed his arms, raising an eyebrow. "Whatever, dear. Let's just get the fucking thing to your house."
Eyes narrowed, Buttercup smiled wickedly at him. "Of course, darling."
They continued bantering all the way to the Utonium household, where they continued even after entering the house. They were completely oblivious to what was around them, so Buttercup didn't notice when she walked into a male chest. Jumping back, she was greeted by yet another Rowdyruff.
"What are you doing here, pretty boy?" she asked roughly, her shock translating as annoyance.
Boomer raised an eyebrow in response. "Bubbles invited me?" he responded, blue eyes going from the puff in front of him to his brother. "…Butch, why are you here?"
"Extra credit project," the green ruff said gruffly, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "We have to play house."
Before Boomer could respond, his bubbly counterpart bounced over to Buttercup, engulfing her in a hug. "Hi, Buttercup!" she sang, before pulling back and looking at her sister with sparkling blue eyes. "Soooooo."
"School project, blondie," Buttercup said, cutting her off. She held up the baby doll by the arm. "See?"
"You're holding the baby wrong," Butch said from behind her and the green puff whorled around, eyes already leering. He shrugged in response, smirking sardonically at her. "Just saying."
Buttercup decided not to respond to that, no matter how much she was tempted to punch his face in. Taking deep breaths, she recited mantras in her mind as she made her way over to the couch. Throwing her backpack down, Buttercup slumped into the sofa, the baby doll thumping down next to her. Practically instantaneously the doll began wailing, scaring the living daylights out of her. It was almost as if the infernal device realized she was about to relax.
"How do I shut it up?" she shouted above the racket, hands pressed to her ears.
In response both Boomer's and Butch's hands lit up with their respective colors. They both aimed at the doll, but Bubbles jumped in front of them, waving her arms.
"Stop, stop!" she cried and, hands going back over her ears, she turned to Buttercup. "Did you feed it!"
"Feed it? It's an automaton!" the raven-haired girl shouted back, digging through her bag. "WAIT! Here!" She pulled out a plastic bottle and, shoving it in the doll's mouth, was then greeted with sweet, sweet silence. "Oh thank God."
"What is that thing!" Boomer asked, rubbing his ears. "Are you sure that thing was programmed to be a baby?"
In response to this, Buttercup snorted. "Trust me, babies can be that loud."
Bubbles nodded in agreement, knowing exactly what Buttercup was remembering. Babies were cute, but as far as Buttercup was concerned, they were demonic harbingers of sleepless night, back pain (as Blossom had found out), and random panic attacks when the stupid thing actually was quiet. Thank God, that monster-mom had taken the kid away. There was no way the Girls would have been able to survive it. Hell, there was no way Buttercup was going to survive a whole weekend with a toy version! Eye widening, she grinned maliciously. No, she wasn't in this alone. She had a partner, didn't she? However, when she turned around, Butch was nowhere to be seen.
Boomer awkwardly shifted by the door and, swallowing, smiled shakily at Buttercup. "Butch said you get the first night," he reported, shrinking when two glowing green eyes narrowed at him.
"THAT ASSHOLE!"
It was three in the morning and Buttercup was changing a fake diaper full of nonexistent feces. The stupid doll was wailing its electronic lungs off and it was taking everything to keep herself from blasting the fucking thing into a million, teeny-tiny, itty-bitty, microscopic pieces. How the fuck people did this with real kids was a mystery to Buttercup. The green puff glared angrily at the newly "changed" diaper and, now thankfully silent, placed the doll into the doll cradle the Girls had rescued from the attic. Tucking the demonic thing in, Buttercup slumped over to the closest bed and fell down next Bubbles.
"I'm going to castrate Butch the next time I see him," Buttercup grumbled into Bubbles' pillow as the blonde gently patted her back comfortingly.
"I'll hold him down," Blossom said darkly from her bed. The redhead still had her pillow wrapped around her head, despite the baby being asleep, and her eyes screwed shut tightly.
"If I ever tell you I want kids, shoot me," the green sister groused, not lifting her head from the face-plant she had done into Bubbles' pillow.
The blonde just laughed lightly at the two, snuggling up to Buttercup and falling asleep.
Buttercup decided that this was one of the stupidest things she had ever done.
Everything had been pretty good when she woke up Saturday morning. The doll hadn't started screeching like a banshee and had actually been pretty cute. The Professor had somehow produced a baby carrier and that was currently strapped to Buttercup's chest, seeing as her sisters and her father had refused to babysit. Isn't that what parents did? Call up people to babysit as they went out and did whatever the hell they wanted? So her day had been pretty good. Sure, she had gotten some weird looks when she had shown up at band practice with a baby strapped to her chest, but it really had been pretty good.
Until she got the call that a monster was rampaging downtown Townsville.
It wasn't exactly Buttercup's fault that she had forgotten that she had a baby doll strapped to her chest. With her strength, it was like she was wearing a light vest, albeit an uncomfortable vest but a vest nonetheless. She was more focused on getting to the monster before her sisters defeated it. At band practice, she had stolen Boomer's phone and called Butch maybe ten times leaving him increasingly angry messages to come take the stupid baby off her hands. And that only added to her need to let off some steam, leading to her speeding to downtown in a virtual bloodthirsty haze.
The monster was only maybe thirty stories high and the typical reptile-like biped. It was stomping around, waving its beefy arms angrily. This told Buttercup that the monster had no type of breath power, but it also had a long, whip-like tail that was doing massive damage in of itself. A hungry grin formed on her face as Buttercup neared the beast. This was going to be fun for her. It was small-ish, but it was tough, just how she liked them. Without waiting for her sisters, she lunged at the monster, delivering a sharp punch to it forehead. Screeching loudly, the monster swatted at her and Buttercup nimbly dodged it, readying for a fist-beam. However, three other beams, two of which were blue and one dark green hit the monster. The blue beams hit its face while the green knocked away the monster's tail that Buttercup had not realized was about to hit her.
"What did I say about running in without a plan?" Blossom said from behind Buttercup as the redhead floated down next to her sister. She frowned at her, eyes dropping to her chest. "You brou-?"
"Look out!" Boomer cried as the monster swung its arm.
It was now that Buttercup realized just how stupid she was for wearing that stupid baby carrier. She hadn't even realized she still was until she took a swat to the chest and Bubbles screamed, not her name, but: "THE BABY!"
Buttercup slammed into the side of a building, wincing as something sharp poked her chest. Peeling herself from the crater, she looked down at her chest and suddenly remembered what Bubbles had shouted. The baby. The baby! It was practically in pieces now, the head lulling off at an odd angle and its right arm fell off, plummeting to the ground below. Buttercup felt her mouth open in horror.
"MY CAR!" she screeched and bulleted towards the beast, the mangled remains of the doll still attached to her chest.
With a series of punched to the creature's chest, Buttercup shot up, giving it a sharp uppercut to the jaw. A fiery green aura flickered about her as she attacked, vaguely aware of any help from the four other super-powered teens with her. She was so angry. Angry at herself, angry at this monster, angry at Butch. How could she forget a baby strapped to her chest? Why did monsters have the need to attack Townsville? Why couldn't Butch stop being a retard for five minutes actually take the baby? And why did stupid Mr. McBennett have to assign this stupid ass assignment to her and Butch anyway! He should know that two super-powered teens wouldn't be able to take care of a baby with the life they had!
Screaming in rage, Buttercup swung madly at the monster, causing it to double over. It swung its tail at her, but she caught it with ease. She then spun around the monster, tying it with its own tail. Panting from anger and the exertion, she readied herself for the finishing attack, when she was grabbed from behind and her sisters' and Boomer's streaks flew towards the monster. No! It was her fight! Her kill! Hers! Hershershershershers! Struggling furiously against whoever was holding her, Buttercup swung her leg back, knocking painfully with a shin. With a sharp intake of breath and a profanity, the person holding her curled up around her, their hands squeezing her wrists painfully.
"That hurt," Butch hissed into her ear and Buttercup stiffened. "You brought the baby to a monster battle?"
"HEY! You didn't answer when I called for you to take the stupid thing!" she argued, wiggling in his grasp. "And-and now…" She slumped in his grasp and sighed sadly. "Man, there goes my car…"
"…and there you go again with the car. What car?" Butch asked, placing his chin on top of her head.
Buttercup wriggled at that, but Butch didn't move. Huffing in irritation, the green puff leaned back into his chest unconsciously as she explained to him what the Professor had promised her. Her counterpart was quiet through her whole explanation and he had shifted his grip from her wrists to her waist without her notice sometime during it. While Buttercup found herself disturbingly okay with it, she was now more than determined to put space between them. Struggling to free herself from her counterpart's grip, said ruff suddenly spoke up.
"…we're so going to fail," he remarked, his voice sounding highly amused.
Mr. McBennett walked into his office Monday morning with a large cup of coffee and the newspaper. He shuffled past his fellow health/physical education teachers and sat at his desk. Taking a sip of coffee, he let his eyes trail over the mangled mass in front of him. He blinked languidly before frowning deeply. Poking it cautiously, Mr. McBennett nearly missed the note attached to it.
Sorry.
-Buttercup Utonium and Butch Jojo
And right next to it, were two three page essays. Raising an eyebrow, despite the hollow feeling in his chest, the health teacher picked up the first report and flipped through it. It was surprisingly well written and he briefly wondered if Buttercup had gotten Blossom to help. Despite his suspicions, he was impressed that she had done a three page essay to compensate for destroying the doll. (He would have been even more impressed if the essay had been longer, but seeing as it was Buttercup…) Picking up the next essay, Mr. McBennett read over that one with a surprised expression. He hadn't expected Butch to actually do the assignment, but as he read the essay, he couldn't help smiling.
Both of them would be getting low D's, if only because of the remark both had written at the end of their essays.
"This project proved that my parenting skills suck beyond mentioning. …I blame you for making me want to be a parent to prove that I have awesome parenting skills."
It was even more amusing that both had the same remark, verbatim. Mr. McBennett chuckled to himself, shaking his head. And people wondered why he was called "Mr. Cupid".
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…I'm on a oneshot rampage! D: I totally blame megmeg999 for this. And pokemon. That too. I have no idea where the ending came from. So…yeah…
Edit: In response to all those "What does pokemon have to do with this" questions...me and megmeg999 were playing the versus battle on Pokemon: XD and I had a Kangaskhan and...something else. Anyway, my Kangaskhan attacked and its baby fell out and megmeg remarked that Butch would so drop his kid and then this story evolved from that. So...that's why I blame pokemon.
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