I've always had the feeling that getting a rape kit done would be quite a big deal for Olivia, although the show only mentioned it very briefly. I also feel like her ordeal with Lewis would've probably brought back some painful memories for Amanda. This one-shot is set at the hospital at the end of "Surrender Benson" and brings both of those ideas together. So in the end, this is the story of not one, but two survivors and how (I wish) they bonded.
Trigger warning: PTSD, flashbacks, mention of sexual assault. Nothing too graphic, but please be careful if you're struggling with any of these things.
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"Forget it, Fin. I already told the nurse I'm not gonna do it. Lewis did not rape me. He didn't have the balls."
The look on Olivia's battered face was full of disgust, her voice shaking with suppressed emotion and shiny brown eyes boring into Fin with intensity. She pressed her injured arm close to her body, trying to get the violent shudders of her body under control, although the rational part of her brain told her that it was the adrenaline coursing through her veins.
"I believe you, Liv, but we need all the evidence we can get to make this case airtight. You know how clever Lewis is. If he survives this he's gonna try to weasel his way out like he always does."
"He won't. Not this time."
"You don't know that."
"Yes, I do." Olivia's gaze was hard and unyielding, her jaw set. Fin could tell that she desperately tried to hold it together in front of him, her eyes filled to the brim with tears and her arms crossed protectively over her chest. She struggled to sit up straighter in an attempt to look like her usual, confident self, but the tender cuts and bruises all over her body made her wince in pain and forced her into a slumped position that allowed her some relief.
Fin observed the brunette's struggle with a deep frown on his face and finally released a heavy sigh.
"Listen, Liv…I had your back after Sealview and I've got your back now. If this is really what you wanna do then I'll support you. Just promise you'll think about it, okay?"
"I've made my decision."
Fin nodded with resignation and threw Olivia one final glance before he backed out of her room to allow the rest of her examination to continue in privacy.
When Fin entered the waiting room, the squad looked at him expectantly, but the older man shook his head.
"Not a chance."
"We'll see about that." Nick said immediately and rose to his feet.
"Maybe we should give her some time. She's probably still in shock…" Cragen contemplated, his forehead wrinkled with worry.
"She seemed pretty clear to me." Fin shrugged and plopped down in a plastic chair.
"She can't just refuse to do the kit. This is important. If Lewis gets free…"
"Actually, she can," Munch interrupted the younger man, pitching in from the corner, "it's called 'bodily autonomy', my friend. Olivia has the right to make her own medical decisions and refuse treatment at any given point."
"Well, it's the wrong decision. I'm gonna talk to her." Nick quickly made his way to the door when the only female in the room, who had been unusually quite this whole time, finally raised her head and addressed him, her voice dangerously low.
"You have no idea what's going through her mind right now. Why don't you just back off, how 'bout that?"
Nick turned around in the doorframe and looked at the blonde daringly.
"She's my partner, Rollins, so how about you back off?"
Amanda hissed and shook her head, but Nick was already out of the door and couldn't hear the muttered insult that followed.
Fin got up to fetch his partner a cup of coffee, but the blonde was too riled up, too jittery and worried, too preoccupied with the storm of emotions that she tried to keep inside, to appreciate the bitter liquid offered to her.
The young detective started bouncing her leg nervously, her mind jumping back and forth between the present and images she desperately wanted to forget. Some of them were fresh in her mind, like the moment she'd found Olivia's blood and burnt hair in her apartment; others were older, once deeply hidden in the farthest corner of her mind, but now dangerously close to being dragged into the light again. The string of blurry memories made her feel dizzy and she absent-mindedly covered her eyes with one hand, silently willing them to stop assaulting her so mercilessly.
"You okay?" Fin murmured quietly so that no one but her could hear.
Amanda lifted her head and the look in her eyes told her partner everything he needed to know.
"What do ya think?"
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The squad sat in silence, simultaneously tired from the days of little to no sleep and deeply worried about their hurt friend and coworker. None of them were in the mood for small talk, so they just stared at the walls, rubbing their tired eyes, waiting for Nick to return. They didn't have to wait long.
When he entered the room, nobody felt the need to ask how it went – his body language said it all. His jaw was clenched and he didn't sit down, but started pacing restlessly as anger and helplessness battled for dominance in his face.
"So…?" Cragen finally broke the uncomfortable silence after a long minute.
"She threw me out." Nick pressed out between tight lips, trying to force his features into a neutral expression that didn't show his disappointment.
Amanda huffed in response, which Fin semi-successfully managed to cover up with a cough, while Nick turned to Cragen.
"Captain, you've got to tell her to do the kit. She's gonna regret it later if she doesn't."
The older man grimaced and shook his head immediately.
"As her Captain, I can't. It's not a good look. Besides, I've known Olivia for a long time and she doesn't take well to people sticking their nose into her business. Let it go, Amaro."
The male detective furrowed his eyebrows and turned towards Munch, his mentor and friend, with a questioning look on his face.
"Olivia is a grown woman and she knows what's best for her. I'm not gonna talk her into something she doesn't want to do. Nobody should tell her what to do, not even her friends. I'm sorry, man, but you're on your own."
Nick placed both hands on his hips and shook his head in disbelief at his team members, clear frustration radiating off him. He seemed to go through his options for a moment, before grinding his teeth and reluctantly turning around to fix Amanda.
"Maybe she'll listen to you."
The blonde detective felt everybody's eyes on her and looked up at Nick, surprised that he even addressed her after they butted heads just minutes earlier.
"Why would she?"
He shrugged one shoulder.
"You're a woman."
Amanda sat up straighter in her plastic chair, white hot anger flaring up quickly in her blue eyes.
"What are you saying, Nick? That just because I happen to have a vagina she's magically gonna change her mind and let some stranger roam around in hers? That's some bullshit."
"C'mon Manda, that's not what he said." Fin chimed in calmly before Amaro had the chance to react.
"Ohhh, I think that's exactly what he said." Amanda shot back at her partner heatedly and Nick took a step closer.
"You got a problem, Rollins?"
Amanda got up from her seat and Fin put a firm hand on her upper arm. He knew how short his partner's fuse was, especially today, and he could already smell the gunpowder.
"Hey, you two, knock it off! This isn't about you, this is about Olivia. Get over yourselves." Cragen ripped into them and they immediately shut up, although Amanda continued to fix Nick with a provocative glint in her eyes.
"I need some air." the blonde announced from between clenched teeth, threw Nick one last dirty look and stomped off towards the exit, leaving her equally frustrated colleagues behind to cool off.
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As soon as she had turned her back on her squad mates, Amanda could feel her bottom lip starting to tremble and she dragged her hand over her mouth. Not here. Not now.
The young detective stormed down the hall, not even sure where she was headed but feeling the distinct need to put some distance between herself and her squad. She stretched her neck without slowing down, trying to relax her tense muscles and force the painful memories of her past back to where she had buried them almost three years ago.
The exhaustion that had settled in her bones after the tireless search for her abducted team member made Amanda feel weak and thin-skinned, not able to uphold the strong walls she normally used to guard her most painful memories and the vulnerability surrounding them.
The blonde rushed past the nurses' station and her gaze wandered over an older, silver-gray haired doctor who was casually leaning against the front desk. Her eyes widened and she stopped short, staring at him with her heart beating wildly in her chest. That's impossible. He can't be here.
Amanda swayed slightly on her feet when she felt a large, rough hand wrapping around her throat and squeezing tightly, cutting of her air supply and leaving her completely to her attacker's mercy. She could see his face before her inner eye as clear as day now; the usually hard lines of his face softening into a satisfied smile when he felt her panicked struggle under his crushing weight, blatant arousal written all over his face and shining out of his eyes.
Amanda choked and stumbled backwards into an abandoned food cart, knocking a plastic cup onto the floor, which got her the attention of the doctor and the nurse he was talking to.
"Can I help you, Miss?" His smile was friendly, yet professionally distant. His French accent was thick and pronounced and her heartbeat slowed down immediately.
"NO, I'm fine."
Amanda moved past them quickly, eager to avoid their stares, and slipped through the door to the stairwell, the rancid taste of her flashback still lingering on the back of her tongue. Taking two steps at a time, the blonde detective sprinted up the stairs, desperate to fill her lungs with some fresh air.
When she broke through the door to the roof, Amanda's breath came out in ragged puffs, the physical exhaustion, her emotional turmoil as well as the prospect at what she was about to do coming together, literally taking her breath away.
The truth was that she already knew what she was going to do. She'd known all along, even before Nick had asked her to talk to Olivia. Her instincts were telling Amanda to pack up everything she owned and run, but her heart was twisting in pain at the thought of leaving a traumatized and hurt Olivia on her own, just like she had once been.
The blonde took in the fresh air blowing in her face, tucked her bangs behind her ear and smoothed down her shirt in an attempt to get herself sorted. She closed her eyes briefly, searching for the courage she'd need, before marching back towards the stairs with gritty determination.
For Olivia.
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Amanda knocked on the door with a trembling hand, bouts of dread and concern and anxiety all mixing together and lying heavily in her stomach. When she heard an affirmative noise from behind the door, she opened it and quietly slipped through the crack with her eyes on the ground before her nerves could get the best of her.
Amanda turned around to look at her coworker and she had to fight to keep her expression neutral. She swallowed hard at the sight of Olivia's bruised arms and silently steeled herself before lifting her eyes to meet openly hostile brown orbs staring back at her.
The brunette was barely recognizable to Amanda, not because she was hunched over in pain; not because she was shivering and covered in blood, but because her eyes were dark and completely void of the kindness and compassion that Amanda had grown so fond of over the past two years. The blonde's eyelid twitched nervously as a scoff fell from Olivia's lips the moment she saw who'd come to talk to her now.
"Oh, I know what this is; the good old 'let the woman talk to the woman' routine." Olivia said before Amanda had even taken two steps inside, her voice dripping with sarcasm and a snarl on her lips. "I've had this exact same conversation a million times, so I know what you're gonna say; that the rape kit can provide important evidence for the trial; that confronting my abuser in court is going to help me heal." She spat out the word like it was poisonous. "I know all about that. So do me a favor, Rollins, and spare me the lecture, okay? There's nothing you can say to me that's gonna make me change my mind."
Amanda shuffled on her feet fretfully and lowered her gaze, trying to not let the brunette's harshly spoken words discourage her. She knew what this was; knew what it felt like to feel attacked after going through something traumatic. She knew Olivia was hurting and lashing out to protect herself and preserve her dignity; Amanda remembered what it felt like.
"Yeah, that's what I told the guys, too." The blonde detective finally responded with a nod, a hint of annoyance shining through the concern etched on her face as she was reminded of her exchange with Nick in the waiting room.
"Yet you're still here trying to convince me to do the rape kit." Olivia pressed her lips into a tight line and crossed her arms over her chest, her body language the epitome of defensiveness.
Amanda turned towards the nurse, who had been silently dabbing at the cut on Olivia's eyebrow with an iodine cotton swab. "Would you give us a minute, please?"
The young woman in blue scrubs hesitated and then looked at Olivia, who nodded in resignation. When the door closed behind her, Amanda turned back to her colleague.
"I'm not here to talk about you, Liv. I'm here to talk about me." The brunette could hear a hint of apprehension in the younger detective's voice and she looked up at her, eyes squeezed into suspicious little slits.
"That would be a first." Her tone was dry and rough.
"Please, can you just…listen?" Amanda blurted out, unable to keep the small hitch out of her voice and she quickly tried to cover it up by clearing her throat.
Olivia threw her a guarded look but nodded curtly to show she would hear what the blonde had to say.
Amanda kneaded her hands, her mouth dry as the desert, and she started to pace in front of Olivia's hospital bed, her throat all of a sudden closing up and preventing her from uttering a single word.
The brunette frowned at the other woman's strange behavior and hesitantly opened her mouth, a spark of the old Olivia Benson shining through her armor as she spoke.
"You can sit if you want, you know."
"No," Amanda threw back at her in agitation. "I can't do this sitting down."
The older woman was properly confused now and her eyes were more alert than before.
"What exactly is it that you're doing…?"
The younger detective stopped in her tracks as she felt the brunette's burning gaze boring into her like a jackhammer and she suddenly felt naked and exposed, felt the need to cover up her body, although she was fully clothed. I can't do this. How on earth could I think-
"Hey…are you okay?" Olivia asked, pulling her eyebrows together, and a self-deprecated laugh bubbled up in Amanda's throat, eliciting a rather alarmed look on the brunette's face.
"This is ridiculous! I should be comforting you, Liv. You're the one who got…hurt" She rubbed her forehead in frustration, trying to get her thoughts straight, but it didn't do much for her.
"Come over here for a second."
Amanda bounced on her feet insecurely, but then caved and took a few steps closer until her knees brushed up against the side of the hospital bed.
"Sit down."
Amanda lowered herself onto the stool that the nurse had sat on earlier.
"Now take a deep breath and tell me what you came in here to tell me."
The blonde looked into calm brown eyes that appeared completely out of place in the brunette's battered face. She hungrily absorbed all of the reassurance that the older woman offered and decided to skip breathing altogether before the courage could leave her again.
"Two and a half years ago I was raped by my Deputy Chief in Atlanta."
There it was; her most shameful secret, lying out in the open between them.
Olivia froze. Whatever she had expected – this was not it. Amanda twitched in her seat nervously, her gaze averted, waiting for the other woman to say something. When she couldn't bear the silence any longer, she looked up and could see that Olivia was observing her, the look in her eyes full of compassion, but also infused with a sudden clarity that hadn't been there before; it was almost as if the brunette really saw her for the first time.
"I'm very sorry, Amanda." she whispered quietly. "Did you tell anyone?"
"You."
The word got stuck in Amanda's throat and she bit her lip the way a child would, reminding the senior detective how young the other woman really was. Olivia's eyes softened and she tilted her head to the side to make eye contact with the blonde.
"Anyone else?"
Amanda shook her head. The brunette sighed when a distant memory pushed through her foggy brain to the forefront of her mind. Something happened to me on the job…something not worth pursuin'.
"That's why you had to leave Atlanta? Because your boss raped and then fired you?"
"I was not fired!" Amanda blurted out angrily, and it seemed important to her to set this straight. "I decided…it was my decision…" The agitated detective was obviously struggling to formulate a coherent thought with her emotions running high, but she held one hand up to keep Olivia from interrupting her. "I decided to get transferred because…because…"
…because he wouldn't leave me alone.
Amanda fell silent and she felt Olivia's eyes on her face.
"It was my decision to leave." She repeated with a final nod to herself.
"Okay…" Olivia's tone was cautious now. "Did you ever consider reporting it?"
"Only once." Amanda admitted, and the older woman's eyebrows shot up in surprise. She'd expected the answer to be 'no', knowing not only how hard it was for survivors to come forward, but also how private and closed off her colleague usually was on top of that.
The brunette could feel a knot forming in her stomach as it dawned on her that Amanda might not always have been that way; that in fact, that part of her personality could have developed after she'd been assaulted, in an effort to protect herself. Olivia's heart clenched and her eyes searched for the smaller woman's gaze, encouraging her quietly to go on.
"I decided it was not worth it. I was ready to move on with my life." Amanda continued with a sigh. "You should know that I wasn't completely…innocent in how it came to…" She winced. "I walked into it. I should've known better. I should not have-"
"Amanda," Olivia interrupted her sternly, "what he did to you was not your fault. You know that. Stop blaming yourself."
The blonde shook her head and her face contorted into a pained smile.
"You weren't there, Liv. You have no idea what I did; the role I played-"
"Did he force you to have sex with him against your will?" Olivia wasn't going to budge an inch.
Amanda couldn't suppress the shudder running through her body and she avoided the brunette's eyes when she responded.
"Well, yes, but…"
"Then that's all that matters."
They stared at each other for a long moment and Olivia could see reluctance and self-blame shining back at her from blue eyes. She sighed in resignation, fully aware that Amanda's trauma reached even deeper than she let on, and that this was not something to sort out in a single conversation.
"I didn't go to the hospital after he assaulted me." Amanda suddenly picked up the conversation with a low voice and Olivia found herself leaning forward, her hand twitching with the need to reach out for the smaller woman's hand. "I was too ashamed of what had happened and scared that everybody at the station would find out. So I told myself that it wasn't even really rape and that I should just…forget about it."
She lowered her head at this confession and Olivia felt a sharp pinch in her heart. Amanda's eyes were watery when she looked up at the brunette.
"I wish I had done the rape kit back then. I wish I had some proof of what he did to me when everybody at the precinct started calling me a whore behind my back...I wish I could go back to who I was three years ago and-"
"Don't." Olivia's tone was harder now and she leaned back, trying to put some distance between herself and the blonde. "Don't try to use your past to get me to do the rape kit."
"I'm not-"
Olivia huffed and a wave of anger washed over her face again.
"Yes, you are, Amanda, and I am telling you right now that it won't make me change my m-"
"SO WHAT IF I AM?" Amanda yelled and she jumped up from her seat, making the other woman flinch. "Fuck me for trying to keep you from making the same mistake I did, right?!"
For a seemingly endless moment, the two women stared at each other furiously; both lost in their own pain and both not sure where to go from there. The brunette could see tears of frustration threatening to fall from vulnerable blue eyes and her voice was softer when she spoke again.
"I'm very sorry about what happened to you, Amanda, believe me." The blonde could hear the sincerity in Olivia's voice, but she could also hear that the brunette wasn't done. "But I am not you. I was abducted, I was tortured, I was drugged and…" her voice was hoarse "…assaulted, but I was not raped."
"You don't know that for sure." Amanda sat back down and her voice was quiet again, almost inaudible, but she might as well have screamed out the words at the top of her lungs.
"What…?! What do you mean?" There was an angry spark in Olivia's dark eyes and her body tensed up. Her breathing became labored and her voice, full of compassion just a moment ago, was now irritated and carried a warning tone in it. "I think I'd know if I was raped."
"Liv, you just said yourself that he drugged you…you were unconscious for long stretches of time in the past four days. There are things he might have done…" Amanda spoke softly now and was careful with her choice of words, well-aware that she tapped into dangerous territory; that things had quickly gotten very personal for Olivia, too.
The brunette turned her head and upper body away from the younger woman, not wanting her to see the crippling fear that had made itself at home in her heart over the past 96 hours and was now blatantly obvious in her face, too.
"There are things he did to me…" Amanda's voice was so small now that Olivia had trouble hearing what she was saying "…disgusting, humiliating things I wouldn't even know about if I hadn't been forced to watch him…do them to me." The blonde could taste the bile in her throat and she closed her eyes, taking in a shallow breath to get rid of the nausea and the oncoming flashback.
Olivia's eyes darkened even further and her voice was dangerously low when she spoke, her gaze still averted, oblivious to the younger woman's painful struggle only a heartbeat away.
"I can feel every bruise, Amanda. I remember exactly how I got each and every one of them. I know what he did to me. Do you want to hear it?" Olivia finally turned to look at the blonde, but her eyes were glassy, the faraway look in them telling Amanda that the brunette wasn't really present with her. The older woman didn't wait for an answer to her rhetorical question, her voice trembling with pent-up emotion.
"This one," she motioned to her black eye, "this one I got when he had me tied to a chair in my own apartment. He was mad at me because I refused to play his little game and he punched me square in the face."
"Liv, you don't have to-"
"And the burns…the burns were very painful" Olivia continued with a bitter growl and pulled down her shirt with trembling fingers to reveal a line of inflamed, angry-looking cigarette burns on the swell of her breasts. Amanda couldn't help but stare at the marred skin and she felt sick to her stomach, vividly remembering the smell of burned flesh in Olivia's apartment. "At first he enjoyed my screams but then he got frustrated because my sweat made the duct tape come off so many times. I think that's when he decided to move us so that he could make me scream without anyone around to hear."
"Stop, Olivia, please..."
Amanda could feel the color drain from her face and she started to sweat, her heart galloping in her chest in an unsteady rhythm. For the first time since she'd entered the hospital room, she was truly afraid; afraid that what she had said would make things worse for Olivia; afraid that it would make things worse for herself, too.
The brunette did not react to the smaller woman's plea, falling deeper into the dark hole that was her trauma, and she sounded more and more as if she was trapped in a nightmare.
"Oh, and do you want to know how I got these?" she asked the other woman without looking at her, lifting the side of her bloodied shirt up so that Amanda could see her bruised ribcage and waist. "By day three I was so weak from the cocktail of drugs and alcohol that I could barely walk and he…well, he was happy to assist so I wouldn't fall flat on my face." She placed her fingers one by one onto the small, dot-shaped bruises. Her smile looked grotesque in her pain-filled face. "I remember leaning on him so heavily when he dragged me into that beach house; almost as if we were a loving couple coming home after a fun night out."
Amanda could feel her surroundings slipping away from her, the sterile hospital room slowly transforming into the dim and stuffy motel room she had revisited so many times in her dreams. The young detective gripped the armrests of her chair, desperately trying to stay in the present, but she was fighting a losing battle. Amanda felt the stiff material of the cheap bed sheets under her naked back and she clenched her thighs together, her stomach churning in fear as she felt the bed dip, and a terrified sob crawled up her throat-
"I remember how he cuffed my hands above my head…" Olivia's voice turned into a whisper now, the string of words falling from her lips without hesitation as she kept tumbling into despair. "I remember him telling me how he would strap me down to rape me…" She shivered at the memory and her voice got even raspier. "I remember how he crawled up my body and kissed my arm…I remember how he hovered over me, smiling in anticipation and his sweat mixing with mine-"
"I SAID STOP!"
Olivia flinched violently at the terrified scream right next to her, lost so deeply inside her own horrible memories that it took her a few seconds to snap back into reality, and her eyes widened when they settled on the tormented look on Amanda's pasty face. Short, puffed breaths erupted from the blonde's lips and her body was stiff with fear, her face wet with tears.
The brunette blinked a few times before the magnitude of what she'd done dawned on her; the fact that she'd completely lost control over her emotions and had apparently sent the smaller woman straight into a flashback of her own with her words.
Olivia covered her mouth with a bloodied hand, horrified by her carelessness and lack of judgment. If she'd been in her right mind, it would have been obvious to her that she could be triggering the blonde, especially so shortly after she had disclosed her own assault to Olivia.
She slid off the bed with slow movements and sunk down on her knees in front of Amanda, ignoring the searing pain she caused herself in the process. The brunette was careful not to touch any part of Amanda's body as she pushed everything that happened to her in the past four days aside to bring out the woman – the detective – she'd been before everything went to shit in her life.
"Take a deep breath, Amanda, nice and slow. Easy, honey, you're okay."
Olivia swallowed hard, guilt lying heavy on her heart, as she watched the smaller woman fight the demons of her past. She had never seen her fellow detective like this before; so openly devastated, so raw, so vulnerable. The older woman couldn't help herself and tentatively reached out for Amanda's hand, the need to bring comfort proving too great to ignore.
The blonde whimpered at the touch and Olivia slowly started to stroke her thumb over the back of her hand, fighting back the tears that welled up in her own eyes.
"Shhh, it's just me. It's Olivia. You're safe and you can breathe. Can you open your eyes and look at me, Amanda?"
Olivia could tell the blonde was trying to follow her directions and she waited patiently for the younger woman to collect herself. Amanda took a couple of deep breaths and slowly opened her puffy eyes, blinking at Olivia as if she had just broken through the surface of a deep ocean. The brunette continued the gentle motion of her thumb while Amanda's breathing became more regular, and only then did the older woman dare to address her again.
"Amanda…" She swallowed to steady her voice. "I can't tell you how sorry I am. I-" She struggled to keep her voice even when the regret she felt threatened to overwhelm her. "I wasn't thinking clearly. I am very, very sorry. Please, forgive me for..." Olivia stopped, unable to put what she had done into words, so she just lowered her head, shame and exhaustion overwhelming her and her forehead came to rest on Amanda's knees.
Only seconds later, the older woman felt tentative fingers move through her hair and smooth down her tangled, greasy locks. She lifted her watery gaze to lock eyes with the blonde, whose breathing was calm and even again.
Amanda wiped away the remainder of her tears and squeezed the hand holding hers.
"I'm okay, Liv. There's nothing to forgive."
An agonized smile stretched out on the brunette's face when she spoke again.
"You're not okay. I'm not okay.We're both not okay."
Amanda looked at her with a deeply pensive expression that told the other woman she was still dangerously close to slipping back into the past again.
"No, I suppose we're not."
They remained in silence for a few minutes, hands wrapped tightly around each other, until Olivia could feel her leg cramp up underneath her and she winced in pain.
Amanda immediately jumped up from her chair and reached her hand out to the brunette, silently asking for the permission to touch her.
"Let me help you get back into bed."
Olivia nodded, no longer able to hide how much pain she was in, and accepted the hand offered to her, even though a part of her was dying of embarrassment.
Once the older detective had settled down in a semi-comfortable position, Amanda took a step back, quietly observing Olivia's strained features and how her body twitching intermittently in pain, and her decision was final.
"I'm gonna get the nurse back in here now to give you something for the pain. And I'll make sure no one else bothers you about doing the rape kit, I promise."
The blonde detective turned towards the door, not expecting a response from the other woman, but she was wrong.
"Amanda, wait…"
The younger woman stopped and looked back at Olivia. The brunette bit her lip and she looked torn.
"I…I appreciate what you did for me. Sharing what happened to you…it was incredibly brave."
Amanda looked away, the familiar feeling of shame spreading in her chest, and Olivia's heart clenched in sympathy.
"It's just that I…what happened to me, it's different. I know Lewis and I know that if he did…rape me while I was passed out, he'd want me to know…right? He'd want me to feel it, afterwards. Causing pain is what gets him off." Her face twisted as his sadistic smile flashed before her eyes.
Amanda let her gaze wander over Olivia's tortured face, cautiously stepping in through the metaphorical door that the brunette had opened back up for her.
"Lewis gets off on emotional pain as much as on physical pain. That's why he made you watch while he hurt other people; that's why he dragged it out over such a long period of time. Don't you think it's possible that it would…excite him to do something to you without your knowledge and just…I don't know, relish the thought that you have no idea what he really did?"
Olivia stared at her as the words sunk in and Amanda witnessed blank horror rising up in her face as the realization hit her that the smaller woman could be right. The brunette froze as a string of distant words filled her head; words that she had wanted to forget.
Oh, come on, don't be shy. We're past that. You've been so sweet when you were knocked out.
A small sob passed Olivia's lips before she could stop it and she clasped her hand over her mouth, her eyes squeezed shut tightly. The older woman could feel Amanda's eyes on her and she turned away, not wanting her coworker to see her fall apart, although a small part of her longed for someone to hold on to; for someone to catch her when she was inevitably gonna fall.
The blonde moved closer with measured steps and perched on the edge of the hospital bed, a warm and comforting hand coming up to rest on a head of knotty brown hair.
Amanda was aware of the other woman's internal battle and waited patiently, trying to channel some reassurance into Olivia's body with her gentle touch. The young detective could feel the tremor in Olivia's body and started stroking through her tresses soothingly.
"I'm here, Liv."
The shaking in the brunette's body became more prominent as she turned back to the younger woman, lifting her face to look at Amanda, incomprehensible pain visible in her brown eyes. The tears she had been holding back came easy, and they came fast as Olivia finally allowed herself to shed all the tears she had not let Lewis see when he hurt her. She cried for everything he had taken from her against her will, and the things he would continue to take from her as the world and the people around her moved on. She grieved for the woman she'd been four days ago; the one she'd never be again.
Amanda wordlessly pulled her against her chest, arms closing protectively around Olivia's trembling back, and the older woman slumped into her heavily, her embarrassment forgotten for the moment as she hid her face in the crook of a slender neck. A strangled sob erupted from the brunette's dry throat and Amanda could feel sharp fingernails digging into her skin as Olivia clutched onto the front of her plaid shirt.
Amanda rested her chin on top of Olivia's bent head and tightened her secure embrace, careful not to aggravate the other woman's injuries. Blinking back tears of her own, she picked up a slight rocking motion, praying that it would bring Olivia some comfort in her state of distress.
"I'm…I'm s-sorry." The brunette mumbled against her with a hiccupped voice.
"Shhh…don't apologize." Amanda lifted her head and leaned back slightly to look into Olivia's face. "You're in pain. You're allowed to cry, Liv; now and always."
Olivia closed her eyes tightly and pressed her forehead into Amanda's chest, wishing she could stay there until she woke up from the horrible nightmare her life had turned into.
After a while, the older woman seemed a little calmer, her breathing more even and her sobs turning into occasional sniffles. Silence stretched out between them and Amanda wondered if the brunette had fallen asleep against her.
"I feel so…ashamed." Olivia's hoarse voice suddenly broke the silence. "Which is ironic, because I talk to survivors every day and I always tell them 'there is no shame' and yet here I am…"
Amanda knew the other woman wasn't just talking about her tears anymore.
"There's a difference between what you rationally know to be right and what you're feeling right now." Amanda said knowingly. "But you will get there…with time and therapy."
Olivia leaned back a little to look at the blonde with her eyebrows high on her face.
"Wow…Amanda Rollins is advocating for therapy? Has hell frozen over?"
Amanda snorted, relieved to hear a hint of levity in Olivia's tone. So she's still in there.
"Just because it's not for me doesn't mean I don't recognize its benefits to others." Her voice turned gentle and she brushed a strand of hair out of Olivia's face. "Anybody would need some help after what you've been through."
The brunette looked back at her with a sorrowful expression etched on her face.
"If only you'd treat yourself with the same kindness."
Amanda's hand brushed over a bruised cheekbone and she smiled faintly.
"I'm fine, Liv. It's you I'm worried about."
A glimmer of anxiety flashed over the older woman's face when she remembered what led the blonde to her room in the first place and Amanda stroked her hand up and down Olivia's arm.
"There is a way for you to get some certainty, Liv. The rape kit is not just about collecting evidence of what did happen…it will also help determine what did not happen."
Amanda gently took a hold of the other woman's quivering chin and turned her head so she could lock eyes with her.
"It is your decision, Liv. I am not gonna make you do the rape kit if you don't want to. But if you do, I will be there every step of the way, I promise."
"I'm scared." Olivia admitted in a small voice that sounded so unlike her that the blonde could feel her insides simultaneously clench in pain at the other woman's suffering and burn brightly with hate for the man who was responsible for her pain.
"I know. But you're strong, Liv, and you will get through this. I will make sure you get something for the pain before-"
"I'm not scared of the pain – in one way or another I've been in pain my whole life. Besides, if I can survive all of this" she gestured at her bruised body "I can survive the rape kit, too." She licked her lips anxiously and Amanda tilted her head, waiting for her to clarify. "I'm scared of what they will find."
Amanda fell silent. She didn't know how to respond to that; didn't know how to make things easier for the brunette. This was the point where Olivia usually would take over in an interview, offering her shoulder and hushed words of comfort to the victim, the nurturing side of the seasoned detective one of the things Amanda had always admired most in the older woman. But now, Amanda was on her own. There was no one else who would swoop in and save the day.
Suddenly, a phrase popped into her head; something she'd heard Olivia say to Nick in the squad room once. When in doubt, always trust your gut.
The blonde looked at the shame and fear etched on the other woman's face; she knew what that felt like. Amanda reached deep inside her own soul, searching for the woman she once had been, alone and traumatized and wishing desperately for someone to hold her hand, someone who'd been through the same thing, someone who wouldn't judge.
"I'm scared, too. All the time."
"You?" Olivia sounded surprised. "You're one of the toughest women I've ever met."
Amanda shrugged, but a smile tugged at the corner of her mouth.
"What are you scared of?" Olivia probed carefully and Amanda gulped, knowing that the brunette needed her to say it aloud; needed to hear that she was not alone in her vulnerability.
"I'm scared that everyone in the squad is going to find out what happened in Atlanta…what I let him do to me…"
"Hey," Olivia grabbed her hand and rubbed it between her own, her voice deep and full of empathy, "you did not let him do any of it to you, Amanda, just like I did not let Lewis do any of this to me. We didn't choose this. We didn't deserve this."
The older woman looked down at the entwined hands in her lap for a moment, and when she lifted her gaze to lock eyes with the blonde, there was a fire burning brightly in her shiny brown orbs that hadn't been there before.
"You can tell the nurse to come back in. And tell her that I'll do the rape kit." She squeezed Amanda's sweaty palm. "We won't let them win."
Amanda's eyes filled with tears as she stared at Olivia in awe, gripping her hands back tightly, and all she could do was nod.
There she is.