THE CURIOUS CASE OF THE MAN AND THE MICROWAVE
Written for the Spn-BigPretzel Spring Fic Exchange over on Livejournal. The prompt was: 'The fairies fight back'.
This story is very spoiler-heavy for 6.09 - 'Clap Your Hands if You Believe', but it is not strictly canon as Sam is not soulless, and there is no specific reference to general goings on the the show's timeline at that point.
Did you know that fairies get very cross when you microwave their friends?
Rated T for a bit of naughtiness!
Disclaimer: don't own them, and that's probably for the best.
Chapter 1
xxxxx
'Ping'
Dean extracted his hot pocket from the microwave and dropped the steaming snack onto a motel-issue plate, its faded lime green glaze crisscrossed with decades-worth of cracks. He loosed a muttered oath as he blew on his scorched fingers.
It wasn't exactly haute cuisine as breakfasts went; a paltry rectangle of limp pseudo-pastry filled with vaguely cheese-flavoured molten lava, but all things considered, it was nice to actually have a microwave again after he'd left the one at the last motel skanked up with fairy-splurge.
He couldn't honestly say that he was sorry either. Okay, the little being may have been pretty and hot with her shiny blonde hair and tiny curves and nipples and all, but the fact was that fairies were just dicks with wings; glowy, fluttery, twee little dicks - every bit as bad as angels.
What hurt the most, however, was that the tiny wee fairy had battered a part of Dean that would take a long time to heal; his pride.
Nope, fairy fondue, that's what the little sparkly assholes got for kidnapping him and spiriting him off to their freaky fairy world to 'service' Oberon, their King.
Dean snorted irritably. Heck, he considered himself a broadminded guy; straight but not narrow as the saying went, but he wasn't pitching for the other team for any dude, any how. Fairy King or not.
He grinned a hamster-cheeked, cheese-stuffed grin as he disposed of half his hot-pocket in one massive bite.
Yep, Dean Winchester, badass mofo and fairy slayer; they'd know better than to mess with him again.
xxxxx
Finishing up the last morsels of his hot pocket, Dean wiped his greasy fingers on his still sleep-crumpled sweatpants and placed the soiled plate in the sink ready for when Sam did the dishes later – what? Sam always did the dishes; he had to earn his keep somehow.
Dean yawned and stretched, and was absently scratching his ass when his train of thought was rudely and abruptly interrupted on hearing a sharp rattle at the door.
At first he thought it was Sam emerging from the bathroom after washing his hair or shaving his legs or whatever else girly crap he got up to in there, but any thoughts in that direction were swiftly dispelled when the room's main door burst open and three strange bright lights swooped through it, heading straight toward him.
Strange they may have been, but Dean's heart hammered in his chest as he realised he'd seen something like this before …
And microwaved it.
He recoiled as the largest of the three stopped and hovered only inches from his face. Squinting through the brilliant incandescence that emanated from the creature, he stared into an intensely pretty face, framed with bouncing golden ringlets. Rosy of cheek, her exquisite visage was set with two big, sparkling blue eyes which were currently fixed on the bewildered green eyes staring back at her.
She was a fairy.
The delicate figure couldn't have been more than eighteen inches tall and she wore a soft floating gown of yellow gauze which fluttered and floated around her tiny curvaceous form as she bobbed around on the air currents which drifted through the room.
Canting her head, she smiled sweetly at the mesmerised human who stood gaping in awe at her.
"My name is Sugar Plum," she announced with a tinkling lilt.
Then she socked him in the face.
"What the …?"
As Dean stumbled sideways, clutching his bleeding lip, another, slightly smaller figure homed in, her brilliant beating wings little more than a glistening arc of silver above her back. Her unruly red hair fluttered in the breeze and she giggled coquettishly as she grabbed him by the ear and began to drag him across the room toward the open door.
"Woun' an' woun' the motel," she sing-songed in her lyrical tinkling voice;
"Like a teddy bear,"
"Let me goo-OOOOW!" Dean yelped as he stumbled after her, flapping arms blindly trying to dislodge a grip which would have been more suited to an enraged grizzly than an twelve inch high fairy.
"One step," she giggled, giving Dean's ear a spiteful tug;
"Two steps,"
Dean didn't even have a moment to consider what might be coming before he found himself on the receiving end of a punch on the nose worthy of a world heavyweight champion.
"Smack you right up there!"
As he slammed backwards against the wall, over the ringing in his ears, he could hear shrieking laughter and whoops of joyful hilarity from the three little creatures looping and soaring around the room, their slipstreams painting curlicues of golden light through the air as they bounced wildly from wall to wall like the world's freakiest pinball machine.
Through all the chaos, Dean staggered forward, clutching his bloodied nose and cursing a treat.
"Wheeeeee …"
Unseen, one of the fairies pushed him toward the door, trilling with laughter as he tripped over the doorstep and fell into a sprawl across the asphalt.
"What the … ACK!"
"SAM," he yelled as the three beings homed in on him, their tiny pretty faces twisted with a determined purpose which Dean was quite sure couldn't be in any way benevolent or pleasant.
As he curled up on the ground, trying to protect himself from the wild onslaught, he saw the third fairy. Much smaller than the others, she was naked, just like the little creature he had dispatched at the last motel.
He just managed to catch a glimpse of her tiny face with its delicate upturned nose pressed right against his before she blew a puff of something sparkly into his face.
It stung like a bitch, but Dean really wouldn't have minded if that had been the only unpleasant effect it had on him.
xxxxx
It was at that moment that Sam emerged from the bathroom after hearing the commotion. Still dripping wet from his shower, and clad in just a threadbare blue towel, he stood and gaped stupidly as he watched his panic-stricken brother, a writhing tangle of flailing limbs, twinkling with fairy dust, rising rapidly into the sky.
"SAAAAAAAAAAM …." Dean floated further up into the ether, frantically grasping out in vain towards tree branches, roof gutters or anything else solid he could find to halt his ascent.
"FAIRIES," he howled; "Sugar Plum Fairy an' the Tooth Fairy an' Tinkerbelle, they've come after me; you gotta fight those fairies … SAAAAAAAAAA …"
Sam blinked as Dean, rudely cut off mid-scream, vanished into a blinding white flash.
"What the …?" Completely oblivious to his state of undress, Sam ran to the door and stared out into the ugly grey expanse of the parking lot, his brain still steadfastly refusing to process what he had just seen.
He turned as he felt a sharp poke between his shoulder blades.
There before him was a little sweet thing hovering right in front of his face; her delicate pink gown, a perfect match for the masses of wavy red hair that tumbled across her back. She smiled a little toothy grin at him.
"Hewwo," she sing-songed sweetly to the giant human standing before her, gaping open-mouthed at the vision he couldn't quite believe he was seeing. "You have weally nice teeth," she continued.
Then …
POW!
Sam's eyes rolled back into his head and he keeled over sideways as everything went black.
xxxxx
tbc