Today is November 14, meaning that tomorrow will be November 15. Yes I know, a difficult concept to grasp, but sadly, it is to me. Tomorrow will be the five year anniversary of Kubo Shiori's leaving me with a broken heart in an empty apartment where a figure of Maria-sama (that I kinda wish she would of taken with her) resides, and I'm going to celebrate it by taking my cat, Goronta, to the park right after my job interview with the advertising section of the Ogasawara business empire because tomorrow will also be the five year anniversary of my getting Goronta.
I'm pitiful, aren't I? I'm a twenty-eight year old woman, who hasn't had a steady job or a decent relationship in over four years, who is going to celebrate the getting of her cat in the park where the ex-love of her life and her first met. No wonder Shiori left me.
Shiori.
Its been five years, and I still haven't found the courage to say her name out loud, even though every thought I have is of her. When the date of her birthday or our anniversary or Christmas arrives, I would go out on the balcony of my apartment at night and look up at the stars, causing a comforting feeling to envelop me, knowing that Shiori is looking at the same stars I am.
That's where I am right now, out on the balcony, staring at the stars above. Had Shiori been here with me, she would be in my arms, frantically pointing at various constellations and planets like a child during their first visit to a zoo, and knowing the coldness that the November winds could bring to Japan, I would tighten my grip around her waist, throwing in the occasional mummer against her hair for her benefit and the occasional chuckle against her ear for my benefit. Then she would turn around in my arms, like she has done so many times, and reach up to place her lips upon mine, beginning the wonderful dance between domination and subornation, leaving two winners at its wake.
"Dammit" I whispered harshly against clenched teeth as a sudden gust of freezing wind passed through the city, breaking me from my little fantasy. No, I mentally chastised myself once I got my bearings, there was no point in thinking of her. She left; why can't you just move on?
"Because I don't know how to do that without her." I said as I glazed at the city of Tokyo, the shimmering lights of the restless city, vigil candles for my lost Shiori. Another gust of wind made me painfully aware of the two streams of loneliness and self-pity running down my face, causing me to roughly brush them away with the back of my hand.
When did I become so weak? The Satou Sei of six years ago wouldn't let a little heart break keep her down, but then again, the Satou Sei of six years ago had Shiori to rely on. Now I only had Satou Sei to rely on, a hollowed out name with no meaning, only letters to commemorate a fighting spirit of the past.
I chuckled at the thought. Self-pity really isn't a good color on me. I'm just glad that Eriko and Youko were not here with me because I doubt I could stand the sympathy in their eyes. They, first hand, knew the emotional wreck Shiori had left behind, seeing as they both knew the before and after Sei, and it took awhile for me to convince them not to go and break Shiori's neck for the pain she had brought me; even though it was Shiori that they were threatening, it was nice to have friends who would disfigure someone for me.
Torii Eriko and Mizuno Youko have been by my side since high school, and frankly, I doubt I would have survived the whole Shiori ordeal had it not been for them. They cradled the broken pieces of my life and with steady determination, put me somewhat back together (neither of them were good at arts and crafts). It was up to me to rectify their mistakes, but I haven't been doing a good job, seeing as I still get misty eyed when Shiori comes to mind. Yet, they're still by my side, offering silent support. I really don't understand why they put up with me, one of the great mysteries of life I guess. They are some of the few things I thank God for.
Them and Shiori.
I shook my head, removing her momentarily from my thoughts, and stared at the night sky, this time forcing my attention on the planet Venus. Venus, goddess of love and beauty, why have you scorned me with your touch? Why have you focused your furry upon me? Had I offended you in any way? I know Minerva reprimanded me when I made fun of her owl during my senior year of high school, seeing as I barley pass the exam to get into the college I wanted to go to, but I didn't expect this from the fairest of the Roman gods. I haven't sleep with any of your lovers like Aurora (though I wouldn't mind the punishment she received), and still you find it necessary to torture me by taking the only thing in my life I loved, the only thing that held any beauty to me.
It was then that I realized that I needed to get some sleep. When I start having inner monologues with Roman gods, it was the time to get some rest (like when I start reciting Shakespeare to anything in a skirt I know it's time to stop drinking), and I would have done so had a light brown cat with dark brown stripes not decided to perch itself upon my shoulder, nuzzling my neck with its fur.
"Hey Goronta. What are you doing still up? Were you out visiting that gray tabby on the third floor again?" I said playfully as I raised my hand to scratch him behind his ears. A meow was my only response as he pounced off my shoulder and landed on the ground right next to the entrance of my apartment.
He sat there and stared at me, patiently waiting for my moping episode to come to a conclusion. I know what he wanted me to do; he wanted me to slide the door open, go into the kitchen, and put some warm milk in his container, but I wasn't going to let him have it so easily. I still needed to reprimand his stealing my breakfast this morning when I was making a phone call.
Knowing I wouldn't be moving anytime soon, he made his way toward my legs and started nuzzling them with his body, purring ever so slightly just to get on my nerves I bet. I still didn't budge, so it was time to change tactics: he stopped and just stared into my eyes. He had a weird way of comforting me, with those piercing yellow eyes of his that oddly enough was more comforting than both Eriko's and Youko's presence combined.
Goronta just understood me, and I think he understood what I had been thinking about earlier because after a few moments, he laid himself atop of my bare feet, attempting to comfort me the only way he knew how: with warmth.
That was too much for my weak resolve, causing me to shed the tears residing behind my eyes as I picked Goronta off the ground and embraced him tightly against my chest. Poor cat, had I been in his position, I certainly would of let curiosity have her way with me, but no, he just stayed in my arms, allowing me to coat his fur with liquid salt.
Sometimes I wonder what kind of shape I would be in if I hadn't found Goronta all bloody on the side of the road five years ago.
~Five Years Ago~
I awoke that morning with a sense of forbidding. Okay, I'm not that observant; I awoke to the smell of salmon, which should have been a sense of forbidding, seeing as Shiori never made salmon for breakfast.
Drowsily, I made my way out of bed and toward the humming that was coming out of the kitchen, wondering what had promoted Shiori's rare entree choice. Once I arrived at my destination, I simply stared at the tranquility that seem to spewed out of Shiori. She was truly a sight to behold. Her chocolate hair tied in a low ponytail swaying ever so slightly with her nimble movements, her blue eyes containing a twinkle of determination as she focused on the rice she was cooking, and her stance emphasizing the nice curvatures of her body.
Physical feature aside, she looked like she belonged to be there with me, and it was during times like these when I wouldn't mind living the rest of life with Kubo Shiori.
"You're finally awake." She greeted me with a adoring look. I smiled in return as I came up behind her and placed my arms around her waist. She snuggled into my warmth, and I had to suppress a moan at the feeling that she was made to be in my arms.
"Yes I am love." I said happily as I placed a kiss on the top her head but not without taking a whiff of her scent: sakura. But I couldn't stop with just one kiss, this was Shiori, my favorite addiction. I placed kisses all over her, and would have continued on if Shiori didn't start chastising me.
"Seriously Sei, I need to finish breakfast!" She reprimanded, but the merriment in her eyes told me that she had enjoyed it. Begrudgingly, I let go of her waist, and that's when my eyes landed on the salmon, reminding me of my earlier question.
"What's with the salmon?"
"It's a good source of protein, and besides you need more omega-3 in your diet. You know your family has a history of heart disease, and anything to help prevent it is a welcome ally." Shiori said as she took out the rice out of the pot. I sweat-dropped, sometimes Shiori was too protective, but that only made her all the more adorable.
"Okay mother." I teased as I stared helping her serve the food.
"More like concerned girlfriend. If I was your mother, I would be chopstick feeding you breakfast." She said matter-of-factly and to finish it off gave me a small tap on the nose. I couldn't help but chuckle at her cute antics.
The meal went by smoothly just like it always did. We talked about all the little things going on in our lives, epically the episode that happen outside our apartment between Youko and some girl-scout the other day.
"Can you believe that girl tried to gip Youko out of some thin mints?" I laughed, and the docile laughter coming out of Shiori brought a warm feeling to envelop my chest.
"I was scared for the little girl's life. You never get between Youko and her thin mints." Shiori giggled, right before she went back to her meal, the tranquil silence surrounding us once again.
We sat in the tranquil silence long after we had both finished our meals, just enjoying each other's presence. That's one of things about Shiori that I loved, words didn't have to be exchanged in order to know that the other was content.
"Sei, it's getting late. You need to go to work." Shiori said unwillingly from her position in my arms.
Begrudgingly, I got up and went to go get ready quickly. I had already been late four times this month and my boss told me that if I was late one more time, he was going to fire me. I would gladly do it if it meant more time with Shiori, but then Shiori would get pretty mad when we would get evicted and had to move in to my parent's house or crash with Eriko and Youko. Now that would be fun. Once I was ready, I made my way to the living room to find Shiori already there with my lunch in hand.
"What are you going to do today?" I asked as she passed me my lunch and I grabbed my coat.
"I think I'm going to spend my day at the park today. Maybe I can find some inspiration for the thing I'm writing." There was something in her voice that I couldn't quite place, but I ignored it once she gave me one of those radiant smiles of hers. I kissed her on the cheek and gave her my goodbyes, and then I left for work. Now that I think about it, I know what was in her voice: foreboding.
I made it to work on time, but I still couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong with Shiori. I called the apartment around twelve times, each time getting the answering machine. I told myself there was no need to worry, Shiori was probably still at the park, losing track of time like she always did when she was surrounded by nature. Still, something didn't feel right.
Right after work, I drove recklessly (or as Eriko would say normally) through the streets of Tokyo, the anxiety I was feeling rising with each minute that passed. Once I arrived at our apartment building, I sprinted up the stairs to our apartment, having no patience to wait for the elevator, and after digging through my pockets for my keys, I opened the door to our apartment, only to find it empty.
This was not good. It was already six o'clock and she still wasn't here. When did she leave? Around eleven o'clock, right? I looked outside the window and the setting sun did nothing to alleviate the distress I was feeling. It was unsafe for her to out there at night, but maybe I was just imagining things and she would walk through the front door in a few minutes.
I stayed there for an hour before I decided to go look for her
Frantically, I searched everywhere for her, visiting the local churches, asking those acquainted with her, and even going to the same cherry blossomed filled park where we first met, but there was no clue as to where Shiori might of gone off to.
I went home to our apartment after that, hoping that maybe I had imagined everything and that she would be at home making tea and when I would tell her what I had been doing all day, she would say how silly I've been and then kiss me on the lips, saying how that would never happen. My resolve strengthen, I unlocked the door to our apartment and felt a cold shiver run through my soul once I stepped inside. I didn't feel her presence, something I could always do, and there wasn't any trace of her being there, that is, until my eyes fell upon our dining room table.
An envelop, addressed to one Satou Sei, told me that our dining room table had just become my dining room table; she had left. The reason didn't matter, and I even considered just throwing the letter away. She was wherever and I was here, a fact that brought tears to well up in my eyes. She was suppose to be here with me; during late nights when my arms were wrapped around her fragile form, she made promises of staying by my side forever, but where was she now?
Had she lied to me? I had to know. Quickly, I made my toward the table, and once I held the envelop in my hands, I paused. This envelop could contain the very fear I've had since I've met Shiori: had Shiori realized that I wasn't worth her love?
With trembling fingers, I opened the envelop and unfolded the letter, knowing that the contents were going to sting worst than any burn.
Dear Sei,
I remember the first day we met, right under the blossoming cherry trees. I had been admiring the blossoms floating around, covering the land with its sweet scent, when you so characteristically plotted yourself right down next to me.
Your beauty struck me, have I ever told you that?
Your blond hair, so foreign in Japan, gave me the surprising urge to run my fingers through it, sun-kissed as it was, who wouldn't? Then there were your lips. Call me a liar if you must, but at that moment, I blushingly admit, all I wanted to do was attack your lips with mine, and would have forgotten all meaning of the word decorum to do so, if I hadn't taken a look into your eyes. They looked so somber, so lifeless, making your gray eyes appear to be ash upon a white canvas. So caught up in your beauty was I, that I didn't noticed what you had mumbled under your breath, and when I asked you to repeat yourself, you quickly started stammering that what you said was nothing. It took me a few months, but I finally know what you said: "an angel."
Am I an angel to you? It's hard to think as myself as one because I know for a fact that I am just as sinful as everyone else in this world, but you could never find fault with me could you?
I remember after are initial meeting, you, self-consciously, asked me out for coffee, and even though I never considered having a relationship with a women, I happily said yes. The relief you felt after I said yes was palpable my dear, and the self-consciousness you showed was a quality, to this day, I find endearing. Now, you can understand my surprise when the day of our date, you showed up as confident and charming as ever like the word self-conscious was never apart of your vocabulary. The many sides of Satou Sei.
The many sides of Satou Sei I fell in love with.
It still surprises me that I can make you forget all your bearings with simply my presence, and though I'm less obvious than you, your presence does the same thing to me. That's why it was so hard to tell you in person, and for that I am eternally sorry that my lack of courage has brought pain to your heart.
I was afraid. Afraid of your reaction, afraid of my weakening determination, afraid of making the worst decision of my life, I don't know of what, but I was afraid.
I didn't want to see your eyes turn to ash again.
The reason I left I know well enough that you don't care, but I shall tell you none the less. My love for God was simply greater than my love for you. Yes, I do love you, more than I could ever tell you in words, in actions, in a pointless letter explaining my actions in words.
When my parents died, I had considered joining them. Do you know how terribly painful and lonely it is to be eight and with no one in the world to care if you lived or not? Sure I had relatives, but their connection to me was and only will be that we share the same blood. They didn't care about me enough to let me live with them, instead forcing me to live in an orphanage, and even though it is Unchristian of me to say, I don't care about them either.
During my stay at the orphanage, a nun came by. Every Sunday, a nun from the local church would teach the children Sunday School. This nun, Sister Margaretta, opened my eyes to the power that is God. Slowly, the void in my life was filled with my love and devotion for Him. I prayed to Him every night for Him to me heal from the pain of losing my parents, and if He did, I would repay Him by entering the abbey and devoting my entire life to Him. He did heal me, and ironically, I realized that when I first met you. He gave me back the ability to love and to be loved, and it was with that thought, I had to leave you; I had to fulfill my promise.
Don't think for a minute that this was an easy thing for me to decide because it wasn't. If I had to leave for the abbey the moment I fell in love with you, I would of left after a week of us being together and not two years. The reason I left when I did was because I knew that with each day that passed by, with each touch, with each kiss, my determination was deteriorating, and I couldn't break my promise to God because I had no idea what He would do if I did. God is a jealous god, and how do you think He would react to losing to the idol I have worshiped each and every passion filled night we have shared together? I didn't want to find out.
Sei, I doubt I will ever return, but never forget how much I love you. When my last breathe escapes my body upon my deathbed know that it will whisper your name. Forgive my thoughtlessness in not telling you in person, and when you look upon the cherry trees, remember the good times we've spent together because I know I will. Even if it pains me to tell you, don't close off your heart because of my departure. If you do that, no happiness will ever find its way to you. I'm sorry to leave you alone, but I know that someday you will meet someone more deserving of your love.
With a love that no God can destroy,
Kubo Shiori
P.S.- Don't go looking for me Sei, my decision has already been made and nothing you can do will change it, even if I want you to...
Don't close my heart? Doesn't she realize that when she left, she had taken my heart with her. Even if I still had my heart, who would want it now? No one wants a bleeding, distorted thing, crying out for the one who had caused it so much pain. Such things were better left to die on the side of road, where Mother Nature could care of them more properly.
It was my heart though, and I wanted to get it back or at least say goodbye to it. But where had she gone off to? I already looked every where for her...
The train station! Of course that's where she went off to. She never trusted cars, or was it my driving she didn't trust? I allowed a small smile to grace my lips, before I had decided what I needed to do: find Shiori.
I dropped the letter and was out of our, I mean my, apartment before the letter even touched the ground. I vaguely remember someone calling out my name, most likely Eriko or Youko, since their apartment is right across from mine, but I couldn't stop. My mind was focused on one thing and one thing only: Shiori.
I ran through the streets of Tokyo and had I been keeping count, I would have realized I almost got killed twenty-seven different times, epically when I decided to cut through the streets. I didn't even noticed the harsh language thrown my way or the frightful looks of the people I almost knocked down. That's how single-mindedly focused I was.
Once I got to the train station, a bit of hope started to build in my chest. I could feel her presence, weak as though it may be. Ignoring the customs of the train station, I hopped over the machine that checks the tickets, resulting in many a protest from security, but I had no time to stop for them.
Where did she go? Her presence was becoming weaker and weaker. I turned to the right and sprinted as fast as I could. Something told me that was where she went. I arrived to witness a train leaving towards God knows where, and had I been paying attention, I could of know where Shiori went off to because as the train started leaving I could see the back side of Shiori through the side window. She was definitively on that train and she was definitely out of my life forever.
I wanted to kill myself.
I stayed frozen in the same spot for hours, contemplating if I should throw myself in front each oncoming train that passed me by, and to this day, I still don't understand why didn't. I had nothing to live for anymore. I felt numb, and not even tears decided to keep me company.
It was around three o'clock when security kicked me out of the train station, and mindlessly I walked through the streets of Tokyo, ignoring all the warning signs blaring in my head telling me to get home. The once warm day had given way to a cloudy, rainy night. Mother Nature could be really empathetic at times.
Oblivious to even the raindrops chilling my skin, I stayed in this stupor until I heard a yelp that turned my blood cold. Wretched and agonizing, the scream didn't sound like any human sound I ever heard, and it wasn't until I witnessed the bloody sight that I barley recognized it was a cat that had screamed.
There were three black crows pecking at the cat' skin, and the smell of blood mixing with the rain water produce a horrendous smell that turned my stomach. My mind set, I ran toward the crows, not even thinking about the danger that might come to me. All I wanted to do was save that cat because I felt connected to it. It looked as bad as I felt.
The crows fled without a fight, and after carefully scooping the victim in my arms, I ran, dementedly, straight to my apartment, tripping every now and then, covering myself with scratches and mud. I briefly wondered if I looked like a bat out of hell. I always wanted to be one.
When I arrived at my apartment, I found the door to be open. Had I closed it? No, I highly doubted it, and at the moment I couldn't care in the least if someone had stolen all of my belongings. I entered the room and was met face to face with a pissed off Youko. She looked like she was about rip my head off about having to stay on guard duty over my apartment because I was irresponsible until she took in my appearance and quickly, the anger morphed into a hybrid of concern and worry that then decided to take a bottle of steroids.
"What the hell happened?" Youko asked frightfully as she tried to look me in the eyes, and when she touched my shoulders, I doubted hell could be any warmer. I stared at Youko, and then left for the bathroom to take care of the cat. It didn't even cross my mind that should respond; that cat was the only thing in my mind.
I set the cat on the floor, and looked for anything to clean it up. The towel! Of course. I grabbed it from the towel rail, and drenched it in warm water. Tears were streaming down my face as I knelt down next to the cat and started cleaning his fur. I couldn't handle what I was feeling. There was too many emotions. I was drowning in them. I was drowning and crying and I was about to lose it when I felt two arms wrap around my frame.
"Leave me alone" I wailed, struggling to get through the hold Youko had me in.
"Calm down Sei!" She hollered, annoyed at my childish tantrum.
"The cat is going to die. I need to help him." I was hysterical, and because of my frenetic flailing, I accidentally punched Youko. Even in my state, I knew that you never hit Youko. Never.
I paused in my movements, and the the stinging crack that followed later was what I needed to snap me out of my episode. Damn that girl could hit hard.
"Eriko is taking care of him. Now tell me what happened." She demanded as she grabbed my head between her hands. Her eyes held a pensive furry, and the only thing I wanted to do was to tell her everything. About the salmon, about the cat, and most importantly, about Shiori's departure.
But I couldn't. My mouth was opened and no words came out, the only thing that I could manage were desolate cries as tears ran down my face. Youko released her hold on my head and instead, held me as I clung on her for dear life. Her warmth could only help me for so long, and when the last tears were shed, I gladly allowed a darkness to grip my mind, giving me a welcomed rest.
I awoke to find myself both clean and in my bed. The events from yesterday didn't match the serenity the sun's rays cast about the room, causing me to wonder if yesterday really happened.
Had it been a dream?
No. It was impossible for it to be for it to be a dream. How could Shiori's leaving me be anything other than a nightmare. A nightmare. Yes that was it. A horrible punishment my subconscious and God schemed to teach me a lesson. But what lesson? Had I not been giving Shiori the attention she deserved? It didn't matter, I was going to rectify it no matter the cause.
With my resolved strengthened and a giddiness I hadn't felt since middle school, I quickly ignored the doubt lingering in my heart. Pushing the covers aside and hopping out of the bed, I realized just how tired I was. Ignoring my episode of lethargy, I walked towards the door, pausing when the scent of jasmine entered my nostrils.
Jasmine. That was Youko's scent.
Youko's holding me. My desolate cries. The cat lying of the floor. Blood. Mud all over my clothes, the floor. Eriko's bandaging up the cat. The train station. Shiori's leaving me. Her smile and the salmon.
The images all came rushing back, and the emotions from yesterday decided to tag along, a jumble of emotions culminating into one: numbness. I fell to my knees, totally oblivious to everything around me, including the turning of the doorknob.
"You're up." Youko said as she placed the glass of water she was carrying on the night table beside the bed. My eyes followed her movements, but it didn't quite register in my mind that she was there.
Concerned that I lacked a response, Youko sat down next to me and placed her arms around me, forcing me to succumb to her warmth. "What happened?" She whispered gently as she stroked my hair, something she always did when Eriko or I were in distress.
I wanted to cry. Oh God how I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I didn't want to start my morning off with tears. Breakfast sounded better. "Can we talk about it after breakfast?" I mumbled into her shoulder, the weakness in my voice surprising me. Youko nodded, and after her getting herself up and helping me up, she led me to the kitchen. I made sure to avoid her green eyes during the whole interaction; there was no telling what was going on behind them, and that scared me a bit.
The sight that greeted me would have caused a rambunctious laugh at any other time, but today, it barely registered in my mind that it should be humorous. Eriko was bottle feeding the cat while rubbing its belly. She despised pets, something about their dependency on humans I think, even though her boyfriend, Yamanobe, loved them. Well they could work that out once they got married.
When she saw us approaching, she greeted us with a small smile, jarring the worry that was etched all over her face. What else I saw on her face was her wanting me to say some satirical comment over the scene, hoping, I assume, that Shiori didn't take all the life that was in me.
Instead, I opted to sit right next to her, examining the cat's injuries.
"How is he?" I asked, my eyes never leaving the cat. He took quite a beating from those crows. When I had found him, he was all covered in blood and missing a lot of fur. Now he looked like a paper mache cat.
It took a few moments, but Eriko finally responded, most likely taking the time to share a concerned look with Youko, who had, once Eriko started speaking, left for the kitchen. "He's badly injured, but I think he can make a full recovery in a few weeks. Thankfully, no bones were broken."
"That's good." I said automatically, my hand finding its way to pet the cat's head.
"Are you going to keep him?" She asked, hoping to fill the silence with menial talk. She hated silence.
"No." I answered curtly.
"Are you going to take him to a shelter? I'm sure Yamanobe can find a nice shelter for him."
"Thanks Eriko, but no, I'm not going to take him to a shelter."
"Then why take care of him?" I could tell she was getting annoyed, but to her credit, she kept it out of her voice. Barely.
"Because I feel responsible for him." Thankfully, Youko called us for breakfast after that; I didn't want to explain to Eriko that I felt a certain kinship with the cat, us being both broken in a literal and figurative sense. She already thought I was crazy enough as it is.
Breakfast went by quietly. I didn't say a word, and even though Eriko and Youko tried to start conversations with each other, their pensive states wouldn't allow them to mumble anything more than curt responses. At one point, Eriko commented that the rice was delicious, which surprised me because I didn't know I was eating rice, and when did I pick up the chopsticks to do so?
I decided not to dwell on that train of thought and instead focused on the taste of the rice. Anything to keep me distracted from her.
Shiori's rice tasted better.
Well that idea went straight to hell. I suddenly lost my desire to eat, setting my chopsticks aside. Youko and Eriko followed suit right after that. Breakfast was over. It was Grown-Up talk time.
"She left" I whispered, the strength from before quickly leaving me. I felt tired.
Silence engulfed us once again, everyone thinking about one Kubo Shiori. That is until Eriko dared to break it, with the question on both their minds: "Why did she leave?"
I looked down at the cup of tea in my hands, wondering again how it got there. Shaking my head of the thought, I lifted my eyes to met curious brown ones and concern-filled green ones.
"Read the letter that was on the floor by the table. I know at least one of you saw it, and out of respect for me, didn't read it but read it. I think it says what has happened between Shiori and I better than I can." I said, wondering when had my voice had become so hollow.
Eriko and Youko shared another look (one of many to come I could tell), before Eriko got up and headed toward the kitchen. I kinda wanted Youko to go instead because Eriko could never read me like Youko could, and right now, I knew Youko was trying her hardest not to mother-hen me, constantly fiddling with the edge of sleeve and giving me those pent-up nurturing looks. It was not fun.
Thankfully, Eriko's departure was miniscule, ending when she walked back into room with the letter in hand. After settling down next to Youko, they both began to read the letter. I ignored the urge to observe their expressions, instead, opting to focus on the statue of Maria-sama that was hanging on the wall behind them.
Shiori picked her over me. But why? I know she wrote that she needed to fulfill a promise to God, but wasn't joining the abbey a little extreme? I'm sure God would have forgiven her for finding a different route to fulfill her promise. But why did she have to become a nun? There are plenty of other girls who could become nuns. Why did God choose the only thing that meant the world to me to become his loyal servant?
A fist pounding on the table brought me out of my retrieve, and to my surprise, it was Youko's. "How dare she string you along when she knew very well that she couldn't promise you forever!" She yelled angrily.
If I was being truthful with myself, I would admit that this sight of Youko scared me. Youko never got mad. I glanced at Eriko, hoping she was in a more rational state than Youko, only to find a pensive understanding written all over her face.
"Wouldn't it be sad if you tried to ignore love, only because you knew one day it would come to an end.?" Eriko coolly said as she set her cup on the table after taking a sip. Eyes looking at me with a compassionate glaze, Eriko continued, "Didn't you say that once Sei?"
I chuckled an empty chuckled. "Yes, I did say that. That's why I can't hate her." Could I ever hate Shiori? No. I doubt I could ever could; she was my first love, but could I be mad at her? Yes, but I wasn't at the moment. I felt dead.
"Are you going after her?" Eriko asked, assuming my stubborn streak was going to pop out again and produce some wonderful scheme to get Shiori back. I shook my head no. She should of realized I was never stubborn with Shiori; I always let her win.
"No. She doesn't want me to." My voice told them I wasn't going to discuss the matter further, even though they wanted a better answer. Shiori asked me not to go after her. That was enough for me.
"So what are you going to do?" It was Youko this time who asked, and I made the unwise decision of looking into her eyes. I felt like a child under that glaze of motherly concern and would have succumb to the tears that were threatening to spill over had it not been for my pride. I quickly focused my attention to the cup in my hands.
"I can't deal with the emotional mess she left behind. I doubt I ever will, but I think I'll look after the cat till I'm ready." My stubborn, wretched voice signaled the end of the conversation.
It had taken a bit longer than Eriko said, but the cat, who I had dubbed Goronta, made a full recovery. During this time, Eriko and Youko had been on Sei watch nonstop. They believed that if I was alone, I was either going to hang myself with the sash of my bathrobe, slit my wrists with the tip of my fountain pen, or drown myself in the toilet bowl. I would have if it meant I could escape their busybody glaze and not the depression that loomed over me since Shiori's departure.
Shiori.
It was difficult adjusting to a life without her. I had grown too dependent on her presence. Mornings, once blitheful and peaceful, turned into a mindless routine to get from my bed to work. Afternoons, once filled with homemade lunches and stolen kisses, were now a gloomy emphasis on how she was never coming back. Nights were the worst of all. Nights, once passionate, comforting, the epitome of homely life, were now an emotionless void filled with devastated tears, begging for her return. I was a wreck.
It would have been worst if it wasn't for Goronta. My whole world revolved around him and his treatment. Whether it was cleaning his bandages, feeding him, or trying to get him to walk again, I gladly did them because it kept my mind away from Shiori for a few precious moments. But then she would come right back in torturous revenge.
After convincing Youko and Eriko that I was not suicidal but would become homicidal if they didn't leave me alone, I decided it was time for me to get rid of Goronta. He was already able to move about my apartment without the slightest trouble and knew how to steal my meals when I wasn't looking with an ease I hadn't seen since Eriko convinced me to go pick pocketing one day during high school.
The best course of action was to leave him in a park, one where he was best suited to find other homeless cats to cohort with. So one afternoon, I took him to the park where Shiori and I first met (I'm masochistic I know), and after giving him some bullshit speech about what an honor it was to have him as a pet, I turned around, ready to forget he even existed. But he forced me to, when he meowed loudly.
I turned to look at him, and when I did, he took the opportunity to rub himself against my legs. This cat sure knew how to work his charms.
"Now Goronta" I said, peeved at his determination, "You can't stay with me. I'm not your home. The outside world is." I turned and walked away, ignoring his meows this time until I felt a scratch on my ankle.
"What the hell Goronta! I said no." I yelped in surprise. The stinging sensation of the scratch further fueling my annoyance into out right anger. I'm sure my eyes told him I wouldn't think twice about strangling him if he continued to be a brat, but he just stare at me nonchalantly as if he knew I was going to cave.
I hate it when he's right.
"I'll guess I'll kept you," I huffed in defeat as I gathered him in my arms, "You can sleep on Shiori's side of the bed. She won't be using it."
~Present~
When the last of tears were shed, I set Goronta on the floor, drying him with a towel I found nearby.
Poor cat, he must be cold.
"Enough about my pitiful self. How are you Goronta?" I asked, he only looked at me and meowed, a sign meaning that he was indeed fine. After I was done drying him, I made my way toward the sliding door.
"Not in the mood to talk, eh? I guess that gray tabby rejected you. Well, it's okay Goronta. We'll just drink the night away. Does milk sound good to you?" I teased as I held the sliding door for him. He quickly made his way inside. I chuckled at his youthful antics. That cat and milk.
I glanced at the sky briefly before I followed Goronta to the kitchen, the yearning in my chest heightening with remembrance of her deceased presence.
God, I miss her, but you already knew that didn't you?