Doing the Right Thing

A Merlin Fanfiction

Part One: Gaius is More Fabulous than his Hair

"It is nothing you haven't done a hundred times, Merlin," said Gaius's insistent voice. Merlin knew this was the truth. He was always going behind Arthur's back, wasn't he? Merlin, however, refused to hear reason. He was not going to take any chances. He would not trust Mordred. "He's going to run away with her, Gaius. That girl will lead him directly to Morgana." Gaius sighed. Normally, he would just leave Merlin to his decisions, for better or for worse. Not this time. "You were once going to run away with a girl, Merlin, if I remember correctly," Gaius said, looking intently at the young man before him. "A druid girl, very much like Kara." Merlin paled at this. He did not want to be reminded of Freya. Not now, and not in this context. "But Gaius, that was diff…." His protest was cut off. "Do not think for one second I don't remember what happened to her, Merlin. Or that I don't remember what she was. Consciously, she may have been innocent. I give you that. But she was just as much a danger to Camelot as Kara. Yet you still loved her. You couldn't help it. We can hardly control who we love Merlin. You loved Freya, I…loved…Alice, and Mordred loves Kara." There was an awkward pause before Gaius, regaining his composure, continued. "Years ago, I walked into this very room and saw a devastated boy crying on the stairs. I asked him 'what happened to the druid girl?' All he could say through his tears was 'she's gone. She's dead.' Merlin; where is that boy? Maybe you grew up, but you still remember how you felt when she died. Would you wish that pain on Mordred?" Merlin felt sick. This was a low blow, especially from Gaius. "I forgave Arthur," he murmured, his eyes fixed on the floor. "Yes, you did," Gaius said. "Mordred will just…." Merlin trailed off. "Have to do the same?" Gaius asked. "Merlin, you cannot be sure he will. It is still possible to keep him from having to decide between forgiveness and betrayal. Before you do anything rash, just think about what I've told you."

Merlin could hardly think about anything now. He was still staring at the ground, remembering all too well his own broken heart. Swallowing hard to prevent tears, he quietly told Gaius, "I…will try to." "Good," Gaius replied. "Merlin, while you're out, could you pick up a few things for supper?" Merlin nodded, and Gaius said, "I was thinking we would have some strawberries…."

At that, Merlin could feel the first of the tears leaking from his eyes. He steadied his shaking, looked over at Gaius, and said, "That sounds fine," before walking out the door.

Part Two: To the Lake

Damn strawberries, Merlin thought, as he walked down the street, tears now flowing freely down his cheeks. Gaius didn't even know about those. Merlin knew he was in no fit state to speak to anyone right now about anything, let alone tell Arthur what to do about Kara and Mordred.

He missed Freya. He had wanted to spend his whole life making her happy again. And yet...that wasn't what destiny had in store for him. Destiny stuck him with Arthur, the once and future prat, who was, admittedly, a good man and a good friend. Yet with Freya, Merlin had just wanted to abandon destiny and live a long, simple, happy life. He would have done it too. Unfortunately, thought Merlin, you can't abandon your destiny, even if it is destroying you inside, and even you believe you will never fulfill it.

Destiny. How he wished he had never heard the word. Merlin's brokenness was quickly turning into bitterness. Destiny made life so horrifically unfair. If I had never learned of my destiny, he thought, at least I would have been fooled into thinking I was free….

But you are. Merlin had no idea where that sudden thought had come from. Lately, he had been feeling so trapped, and so distraught over the almost inevitable death of Arthur. How in the world was he free? He had lost so many people; Will, Freya, Balinor, Lancelot, Daegal, Finna…. and all for what? Just so he could see Arthur, his best friend, dead? I'm just a slave to destiny, thought Merlin, and it keeps me going and tortures me all at the same time. I am anything but free.

But you are. That bizarre thought resurfaced, tearing more at Merlin's mind. Where was that coming from? Then, he remembered something he had told Gaius long ago. "You always taught me to do the right thing." And he knew. "I'm…free to do what's right," he murmured aloud. I may not be able to stop destiny, he thought, but I can stop acting out of fear and paranoia and do the right thing, right now. Just as Gaius taught me.

Merlin had finally reached the destination of his walk. He stood and stared at the lake of Avalon in all its glory, knowing at last what he had to tell Arthur. But that, that could wait for a little while. Time alone, Merlin knew, was precious, and his lost loved ones were still fresh on his mind. He felt tears resurface, and he sunk to his knees by the lakeshore.

Part Three: Confronting Arthur

Merlin stood at the door to Arthur and Guinevere's chamber, his hand poised to knock. He suddenly jerked that hand back down. "I can't do this," he whispered.

What the hell was he doing, worrying about going to see Arthur? Normally he would walk in, uninvited, and say what he needed to say. Not tonight. This was not going to be easy.

Merlin steadied his breathing, and prepared to knock for real this time, when the door suddenly flew open. It was Guinevere, who then let out a gasp. "Oh, Merlin I didn't see you there! I'm so sorry, I almost hit you in the face!" Merlin was trying to formulate a hasty apology, when Arthur walked up behind his wife and put his arms around her waist. Guinevere smiled. "Merlin, are you all right?" she asked. "Normally you would just barge in and…." "Maybe he's finally learned some manners," Arthur said, a teasing look in his eyes. "I…need to talk to you, sire," Merlin said. "It's urgent." "And yet you still waited outside the door…?" Gwen was somewhat suspicious. "I…just wanted the two of you to be able to finish your supper," Merlin said, putting on a brief smile. "I know you're both so busy and I just figured…." "It's fine, Merlin," interrupted Guinevere. "I'll leave." She untangled herself from Arthur's embrace, gave him a hasty kiss, and headed down the corridor.

"Um…Arthur…I think I will just be on my way then…" Merlin, far too nervous now, was about to turn around. But it was too late to escape. Arthur put his hand on Merlin's shoulder. "Something's troubling you, Merlin. You said it was urgent. Come in and tell me about it. Tell me the truth." Arthur opened the door to his chamber, and Merlin walked in. "Sit down," Arthur said, pulling a chair out from the table. "Sit down, and talk." Merlin took his seat at the table across from Arthur, who was now looking straight at Merlin with clear concern in his eyes. "What is it?" he asked. "Mordred is going to run away with Kara," Merlin blurted. He then saw that look cross Arthur's eyes; the look Arthur made only when he felt horridly betrayed. "We must ready the knights," Arthur said through gritted teeth, "and we must find them." "No," Merlin said softly. "What?" Arthur was incredulous. "Merlin, we cannot let that girl escape! She will go back to Morgana and…." Merlin cut him off. "Arthur, we have to let them go…." "Why?" Arthur could hardly believe he was hearing correctly. This was not the same Merlin who told him, "There can be no place for magic in Camelot," a few months ago. "Why?" Merlin echoed back. The response was not going to come easily. "Because…. Arthur…. I…." "Yes?" Whatever Merlin had to say was important, and Arthur refused to let him back out. Merlin drew a deep breath, and the words came. "I can't let Mordred go through what I went through. I may not trust him, Arthur. But I can't let you break his heart." Arthur hardly knew what to say, especially when he wasn't entirely sure what Merlin was trying to say. "What do you mean, what you went through?" Arthur asked, his voice hoarse. "I'm not sure you would…want to know, sire…" Merlin said. "Maybe not," was Arthur's response, "But I'm afraid you have to tell me anyway." "Arthur, really, please, just...can we leave this be?" It was Merlin's last, desperate plea. "No Merlin." It was an order, and Merlin knew it. There was no way around this.

"Arthur," he began. "Do you remember years ago when a druid girl escaped into Camelot? The one the bounty hunter Halig was taking to your father?" Arthur nodded. He knew exactly what incident Merlin was referring to. "The girl that…turned into that thing and brutally killed people of Camelot. Yes, Merlin, I remember. It's a wonder we managed to stop her." He looked up into Merlin's eyes, which, to his surprise, no longer had fear, but instead, anger. Instantly, he knew. "They never caught the girl's accomplice," he whispered. "It was you, wasn't it? And I told Halig that you had my absolute trust…Merlin, did you know what she was?" Merlin was still staring angrily into Arthur's incredulous face. And this time, he did not hesitate to speak. "Her name was Freya, Arthur, and she was anything but a monster. When I found her, she was in chains, in a cage, and on the way to her death. How could I have left her like that?" "Maybe you should have," Arthur mumbled. "She caused a lot of trouble, if you recall." Merlin snapped. He stood up violently from his chair, which promptly fell to the ground. "Arthur, shut up! I had no idea she was a Bastet, and it could have been me in that cage!" "What?" Arthur found himself hopelessly confused yet again.

Merlin picked up his chair and sat back down, and spoke again. "I'll explain that, after I finish this story, if you'll let me." Arthur nodded. Merlin, feeling a little calmer now, continued. "I let her out, and I hid her, not knowing she was a Bastet. I fell in love with her, Arthur. I thought I could take care of her. Gaius knew I had hidden her, and he tried to tell me that she was causing the attacks. I refused to believe it. I knew that my Freya would never knowingly do something like that. We planned…to run away together. To somewhere with fields and cows and wildflowers, and a lake…." A distant look had crossed Merlin's face. "I remember when I wanted to run away with Guinevere and become a farmer…." Arthur mused. "At least you still have Gwen." Merlin said those words dully, and Arthur instantly decided not to speak again. Maybe Merlin was right. Maybe he needed to let Kara and Mordred go. "Freya ran away on her own before I could come for her," Merlin continued. "I guess…she thought she would be a burden. You know what happened next, Arthur." He did. And it hurt. " I killed her," he whispered. "I'm so sorry, Merlin. So, very sorry." "I forgave you a long time ago," Merlin said softly. "I know you hardly had a choice, but I was devastated. I held the girl I loved dying in my arms, and I took her to the lake, and buried her. Alone." Merlin was crying openly now, and even Arthur was on the verge of tears. He remembered Tristan and Isolde, and realized instantly what Merlin must have felt when Isolde died.

"Merlin?" Merlin wiped away his tears and got ready to face Arthur's next question. "That girl, Freya…she wasn't killing anyone on purpose, was she?" "No," said Merlin. "No, she was cursed. An old witches' son was harassing her, and she accidentally killed him, using magic out of self-defense. The old witch put the curse on her that made her turn into the Bastet…." "I killed an innocent girl," Arthur whispered, hardly wanting to believe it. Merlin spoke up again. "I forgave you Arthur. Forgive yourself." Arthur nodded before saying, "But Merlin, Kara isn't innocent. She tried to kill me." "I know," Merlin said. "But if you kill Kara, I'm afraid Mordred will not be as forgiving toward you as I was. He is young, and he is fragile." "She could lead him straight to Morgana. You know she could, Merlin." "Yes, I do." Merlin could not deny that possibility. It still terrified him, but he would not back down. "I think we will have to trust them. Mordred will watch after her and if you remember, he saved you from Morgana. He has little respect for her right now. Even Kara might hate you less if she came to realize you let her go." Arthur was bemused. "This is one of your bizarre wise moments, isn't it Merlin?" Merlin shrugged. "I guess you could call it that." Merlin got up from his seat. "I best be on my way again," he said. "I'll leave you to your decision." Merlin began to walk away, thinking that was it.

"You can't leave yet!" Arthur, it seemed, was going to be a prat. When was he not? "Clean the stables, and polish your boots and armor, yes, I know," Merlin retorted, and walked a few more steps. "No," Arthur said. "You never answered my question." "What question?" asked Merlin. "You said it could've been you in that cage. Earlier, when you told me why you rescued Freya."

Oh God, thought Merlin. He was sure Arthur had forgotten about that. Clearly, he had been wrong. "I told you I would tell you why, didn't I?" Merlin said it aloud, but he could hardly believe that. Clearly, he had not been thinking. "Yes, you did." Arthur sounded impatient, and Merlin knew he had to tell the truth. Now was as good as any other moment. "Freya was in that cage because she had magic, and because she was from a place where she couldn't hide from people like Halig. Arthur, that's why my mother sent me here. I was born with magic. I moved objects with my eyes before I could talk. Ealdor is a small place, and Will had just discovered my secret. And my mother was terrified. So she sent me to Gaius. She knew your father persecuted those with magic, but she figured with so many people and Gaius to help me, I would learn to control my magic, and be able to hide. It worked. Until now."

Merlin knew Arthur would not believe him until he saw proof. And Merlin was going to give it this time. His eyes glowed as he spoke the word Forbærne. He could see Arthur's stunned face as he stared at the fire in the air. Once Merlin could not take any more, his eyes stopped their glow, and he put the flames out. Arthur stood there, shock resonating on his face.

Merlin gulped. This was not going to be pretty. Arthur looked as if he had been punched in the face. "God, you're….serious," he said, his eyes wide. "That time when you barged in on the whole council and announced you were a sorcerer…..and I blew it off as your feelings for Gwen….oh my God! I said you were in love with my wife!"

Wow, Merlin thought. If this was Arthur's reaction, maybe there was hope after all. "Well," Merlin said. "Clearly I am not in love with Gwen, and I may be a sorcerer, but I did not poison the water supply." "Of course I know that, you clotpole," Arthur said. "You helped….Morgana…" He paused. "You helped us kill the Afanc….. oh god you used magic! That's why my torch practically exploded. How the hell did I not…?" Arthur trailed off.

Merlin was still not sure if he should laugh or run for his life. "I may be an idiot, Arthur," he said. "But at least I'm a magical one." Arthur practically snorted. "Merlin, that's the most terrible thing I have ever heard. Ever." Merlin thought then that maybe, just maybe, he was safe. But he wasn't entirely sure. "So….you aren't going go on a rampage about how I'm evil and I've lied to you and…and….you aren't going to have me executed….or….or banished…or…" "No," Arthur said simply. Merlin looked at him. He wasn't sure he could believe this. "You….aren't?" "No, I'm not, Merlin. Where would I get another magical idiot? I'm not happy you lied to me for ten years. I get why you did it at first. I know my father would have executed you in a heartbeat. But I wish….you had trusted me as much as I trusted you. And that does hurt, Merlin. A lot. But I don't think you've ever tried to kill me." "Well…." Merlin was about to contest that, but stopped, realizing it could be a very bad idea. Too late. "You have?" Arthur exclaimed. Merlin quickly told the truth. "Morgana kidnapped me, put some creepy snake thing in my neck and I wasn't myself. Gaius and Gwen said I was a dreadful assassin. Apparently I had forgotten about my magic, and was using crossbows and boiling bathwater…and I got hit on the head with a pot. More than once." "So basically," Arthur said, laughing, "you weren't even going to kill me when you were enchanted to do so?" Merlin nodded. "In all honesty, Arthur" he said, "I'm usually trying to save your life." At that, Arthur felt a little guilty. "That stuff about saving me, Merlin? That has all been true, hasn't it?" "Yep," Merlin said. This wasn't so bad. At least Arthur suddenly thought he was worth something. "That's also why I'm so talented at juggling." "I should have known," Arthur said. "No executions, Merlin. It seems I already killed your girlfriend and that was probably worse than any execution I could order." Merlin felt tears again, but he quickly stopped crying. He had shed enough tears for one day. "You've been through enough," Arthur told him. "I'm going to let you go. But I am curious about one more thing….." "What?" Merlin asked. Arthur wasn't going to execute him. One more question wouldn't hurt.

"Why in the world did you say 'there can be no place for magic in Camelot'?" So that was it. Merlin didn't want to answer that, but there was no option anymore. "I thought letting Mordred die would stop this prophecy about him killing you…" "Merlin….what nonsense have you been hearing?" Arthur asked, "and who has been telling you this?" "Um, a dragon and a dying old druid man?" Merlin knew that sounded ridiculous, but it was the truth. "I thought I killed the great dragon," Arthur mused. "Not…exactly," Merlin said. "He's quite alive…" Well, Merlin was not positive of that anymore, but he hoped it was the case. "He's alive and as confusing as ever. I may have…spared his life." "I should stop asking questions, shouldn't I?" It was all Arthur could say. "Maybe." Merlin told him. "It might be best if I started from the beginning…" "Wait!" Arthur practically shouted. "What?" Merlin was getting frustrated. "One more question." Arthur could hear Merlin groan, but he had to ask this. "If Mordred is supposed to kill me, why did we just let him go?" Merlin sighed. "I think….where he is at now…he may be less likely to kill you…." Merlin had no other way to explain it, and Arthur took it as the truth. "Now Merlin," he said. "Start from the beginning."

Within the week Arthur and the court repealed the ban on magic. Merlin was appointed as Arthur's royal advisor and court sorcerer. Several days later, the court received a somewhat bitter letter from Morgana, who wrote that she was repealing her declaration of war and was retreating to the Isle of the Blest where she could live as a High Priestess and practice her magic in peace.

Merlin could not be happier, and he hoped it stayed that way. Even as Camelot flowers, so the seeds of her destruction are being sewn. Merlin had heard those words twice now, and they still haunted him. But maybe. Just maybe, if he was lucky, those seeds would not sprout for years to come.

Fin