1.
He knew he was in trouble when he saw the shit-eating grin on Shepard's face. The one that either meant she knew something he didn't or was the last warning before something exploded. He prayed to every god out there it wasn't the latter. He'd yet have to have his first coffee.
"I know what day it is," Shepard announced and slumped on the bench across from where he was sitting. Kaidan blinked.
"Tuesday?" He tried to feign innocence but the roll of Shepard's eyes as well as the grin tugging on her lips told him he shouldn't have bothered. Of course she knew. She was his CO after all, she knew his file. He'd expected as much. What he hadn't expected was the fact that she remembered. Or cared. He tried to stop his heart from jumping to conclusions what this could mean, killing the first sign of hope while it still tried to blossom.
Instead he leaned forward with a deep sight, eyes darting left to right to make sure they were the only one in earshot. Lured in by his unusual secretive behavior, Shepard leaned in too, eyes darting from his to what might have been the scar on his lips. Kaidan could feel the heat creeping up his collar, suppressing the urge to tug at it. He needed coffee, badly. And a cold shower. The fact that a look from her alone could do this to him showed that he was truly lost.
"Listen, I don't ... want to make a big deal out of it. I'm not much of a ... that is, I don't ... I don't like to ... I'd rather the others didn't know."
Smooth, Alenko. That wasn't suspicious at all. Or embarrassing.
But instead of laughing at his inability to speak a single clear sentence or laying out his reasoning, Shepard just studied his face. He was afraid of what she'd find there.
"Afraid Joker tries to drag you to Cora's Den, too?" Her tone was light but he still knew it wasn't the question she actually wanted to ask. Today of all days he did not want to explain why he preferred not to celebrate. Not after he'd assured her that what had happened at Brain Camp lay in the past. He suddenly was glad he never told her the exact day it had happened. It would've probably thrown a big shade at his reassurance to be a fully functional human being.
"Something like that," he uttered, rubbing his neck.
"It seems to become some kind of weird tradition among the crew," he tried to joke when the silence grew, well aware it was falling flat before he even finished. Shepard just hummed, fingers drumming on the table. His heart sank.
"You know, the others don't need to know. We can just make up a new tradition."
Kaidan swallowed, trying to ignore the way she'd said "we" while telling him the others didn't need to know. We as in the both of them. Alone. Just what he didn't need to get his embarrassing infatuation with his commanding officer under control. Just what he craved so desperately.
"You can't just make up a new tradition," he tried, not even believing his own objection for one second. Neither did Shepard, who'd already jumped from her seat. How the woman could be that awake at this time of the day he had no idea.
"Sure you can. Just give me a few hours and meet me at the docking bay at, let's say … six?"
"But-"
"No buts, Alenko. I won't let you mope around the ship while we're docked on the Citadel on your own, well, you know. See you later."
And with that she left Kaidan alone in the mess, a mix of confusion, tiredness, and happiness that she wanted to spend time with him fighting for dominance. At last tiredness won out, forcing him to get up and drag himself to the coffee maker. If his steps were a bit lighter than they were before, he didn't realize.
"Shepard, I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to be here."
Kaidan tried to keep his voice calm, level. Which was not that easy, considering he'd have to raise it to be heard over the sound of traffic below them. One semi-kidnapping later Shepard had managed to drag him to one of the upper wards, more specifically the top of a pedestrian crossing that was currently out of order. Leave it to Shepard to find a way to break the rules not only once but twice just by looking for a place for their ...
Don't call it date, Alenko. Don't you dare calling it a-
"I'm a spectre, Kaidan. Technically I'm above the law."
In more ways than one, Kaidan thought while peering over the edge.
"I doubt this was on their mind when they made that rule."
Shepard snorted. "Well, at least I'm not trying to bring back a race of machines to end all sentient life."
"Point taken."
Something small and warm was suddenly tugging at his hand, trying to force him down into a sitting position. Breaking away from his musings how damn high above the ground they were, he looked down to find Shepard's hand around his. Seeing as she had his attention, Shepard tugged again, wordlessly asking him to finally stop worrying and get his ass next to hers.
Carefully Kaidan sat down, trying not to over think how close they were. Shepard's hand guiding him didn't leave much room or at least that was what he tried to tell himself when he felt his shoulder brushing hers.
Pleased that he'd finally resigned to his fate and stopped worrying (or at least shut up about it), she let go of his hand to get something out of the bad she'd been carrying. It took Kaidan a moment to identify the bottle Shepard was holding.
"Is that ... whiskey?"
"Yeah. One of my COs gave it to me a few years ago. Told me I should drink it when I got something to celebrate. It kind of … seemed fitting."
Kaidan's eyebrows shot up. "You drink whiskey?"
"Nope," she declared. "You?"
"No."
"Perfect. Then it's indeed a new tradition."
She handed him the bottle for further inspection but knowing absolutely nothing about whiskey, the make didn't tell him anything. He was never much for drinking anything beside a good Canadian lager, at least not after those few dark months after Brain Camp when any substance was alluring he didn't try to think about much. Even back then he wouldn't have been able to afford what he was holding now. He might not be an expert but expensive things sometimes had that air around them that told you exactly they were worth more than you could usually afford.
Kaidan stared at the label and wondered if he should just open the bottle and take a swig when Shepard pulled it out of his hands again, giving him a plastic cup instead. She shot him a grin while trying to open the bottle.
"Can't say our new tradition isn't fancy."
He chuckled as she began pouring some of the liquid into his cup, the golden color almost luminescent in the artificial sunset of the Citadel. She did the same with her own cup before turning to him. As soon as he met her eyes, his mind blanked. They were sparkling with mischief but also happiness and something he was not quite sure how to name it as they locked on his. Whatever it was, it was stealing his breath away, very effectively stealing his breath away, and refusing to give it back. If this was dying, he could die a happy man.
Not knowing the foolish thoughts his brain was coming up with, Shepard raised her cup in a toast. He could feel his hand doing the same.
"To new traditions, beautiful views, and my favorite lieutenant. Cheers."
Kaidan opened his mouth but words refused his command. All he could do was lift his cup to his mouth and take a sip, eyes never leaving Shepard. Contrary to his expectation, the whiskey wasn't as strong as he'd feared. It was hard to pinpoint the exact taste as the fluid was a blend of sweetness, smokiness and richness he hadn't encountered before. As it burned down his throat, he wondered if that was what Shepard would taste like if he were ever brave enough – or stupid enough – to claim her lips.
Before Kaidan could admonish himself for these thoughts, Shepard's light cough interrupted him and her bright eyes locking with his stole his thoughts once more.
"Wow," she wheezed as she tried to regain her breath.
"Yeah. Wow," Kaidan echoed, mind numb and lips tingling with the desire to lean forward just so. The artificial light of the sun caught in Shepard's hair and together with the warm shimmer of the whiskey she was raising to her lips again, she reminded him of fall at the English Bay. She reminded him of home.
In this moment Kaidan realized that whatever this was, whatever they were, he would consider himself happy as long as she was a part of his life.
Beautiful view, indeed.
2.
The whiskey was cheap and awful and he didn't care. He didn't know why he bought it in the first place. It was their tradition and it only made sense sharing it with her, something that would never happen again. She was gone. She had been gone for almost a year.
The pulsing light send another wave of pain through Kaidan's brain but he couldn't bring himself to care. The whiskey was terrible but at least it was good at numbing his pain until he got back to his apartment to take some much needed painkillers before passing out. He doubted this was what Shepard had in mind when she came up with their tradition but he also doubted that she was planning on dying before they could repeat it after that one evening on the Citadel when everything still seemed new and hopeful. Back when hope still existed.
Kaidan was aware that his thoughts turned darker with every new glass set before him but since it was his birthday, he figured it was his choice of how to spend it. Even if that meant spending it moping around in a godawful bar on Omega drinking godawful whiskey. It didn't matter.
In two days time he would be back to being Commander Alenko, the Alliance's new poster boy now that they'd lost their Hero of the Citadel for good – not only in flesh but thanks to the latest ugly rumors even in name. It made his blood boil. So he tried not to think about it and instead concentrated on just being Kaidan Alenko, drinking to the long dead woman he couldn't let go no matter how much he tried to convince himself he did when he was sober.
Maybe this was his new tradition: Drinking whiskey in her memory while letting it wash buried memories of her to the surface, reminding him of everything he'd lost. But even with all the bitterness, he couldn't deny he was still glad that he'd been allowed to experience it in the first place. Even with every torturous day without her, he cherished few they had shared.
Kaidan swallowed hard and closed his eyes before raising his glass in a silent, solitary toast.
"To traditions, lost lovers and my favorite commander. I miss you, Shepard."
Sometimes tradition is all that's left.
3.
She was alive. No matter how many times he repeated it to himself, he could still hardly believe it. No matter how many times he could hear her voice at kiosks in the lower wards, no matter how many times he could see her face on the news, no matter how many times he heard Udina curse her name. She was alive. And she was with Cerberus.
Kaidan's gut clenched at the thought of it, anger burning bright in his gut and heart. Sometimes the anger was directed at her, most of the times at himself. He hadn't heard from her since Horizon, a week before his lackluster apology and he didn't know if he should be glad or not. All he knew was that it was driving him mad.
Frustrated Kaidan entered his apartment, having just escaped another round of listening to Shepard declaring about a dozen of shops her favorite one on the Citadel. He could basically hear that shit-eating grin of hers in every single word and even being angry with her, he couldn't keep himself from smiling. Suppressing the happiness of hearing her voice again was hard when he thought he'd never be able to again.
Still, he was tired and he just wanted to go to sleep. Tomorrow he would ship out again, picking up a special assignment on Earth. He had no idea what it was about as Anderson was tight-lipped as ever but he was glad for any distraction that would keep him from checking his mails every few minutes or searching for excuses for another trip to the lower wards.
Kaidan had made just a few steps inside of his apartment when he froze. His surroundings were bare enough for anything but the few pieces of furniture to stand out so the package on his kitchen counter of course caught his eye immediately. For a moment, he just stood there, staring at it. He hardly ever got any mail, even his mother had given up sending him things as she had lost track when he'd be somewhere.
Realizing he'd hardly get an answer by glaring at it, he slowly crossed the room, wondering if he should power up a program on his omni-tool to check for explosives. Seeing his name in the somewhat chaotic handwriting he'd recognize anywhere on a datapad on top of the package just reinforced that idea. Considering their last exchange, Shepard's temperament as well as her love for explosives … well, he'd find out soon enough.
Picking up the datapad and unlocking it with his fingerprint, there were just a few words, again written in Shepard's anything-but-neat handwriting instead of being typed out. It felt oddly personal. He tried not to let it get to his head until he saw what she'd written:
"Some traditions are worth keeping. Congratulations, Staff Commander."
It was just now that he realized what day it was and with that realization his stomach did an unexpected, excited flip. Putting down the datapad, he slowly turned his attention to the box, now recognizing its slender shape. He wasn't disappointed when he opened it and found a bottle of the same whiskey they'd shared what felt like a lifetime ago.
Kaidan couldn't help but smiling.
"To traditions. And to you, Shepard. Wherever you are."
4.
Shepard was in Vancouver. He knew it and there was nothing he could do about it. He was stuck in Rio, training recruits and turning them into soldiers for a war nobody believed in. Not yet.
Still, war was all everybody talked about since Shepard had returned, given herself over into Alliance custody after ending the lives of over 300.000 batarians with a single press of a button. Everyone was talking about war against the batarians but Kaidan knew better. And even if he didn't say it out loud, he trained those under his command to fight another enemy altogether.
No matter where Shepard and he stood, he knew her well enough to believe her when she said she did it to stop the reapers. So he trained his soldiers best as he could while trying not to think about Shepard being locked up just a few thousand miles from here.
"Shield up, Morris. If that man were your enemy, you'd be dead now," he barked at one of the biotics in front of him.
A low chuckle next to him interrupted his internal sight. Before he could even stand attention, Anderson gave a dismissive wave.
"At ease, Major."
Kaidan nodded. "Sir."
Turning back to his recruits who were very obviously trying not to stare, he yelled: "Grab some juice and energy bars and take a shower. We'll continue tomorrow."
With a look of disappointment that they wouldn't get to know why Admiral Anderson himself wanted to talk to their superior officer, they slinked away, slowly as if it would make a difference. Another glare from Kaidan changed that and sped up the process.
Anderson chuckled again. "I knew you'd be perfect for the job. If the job wasn't wasted on you, you'd make a perfect drill instructor."
"Just trying to prepare them for the worst, Admiral."
"I know. Which is why you are so good at it. I heard your deployed biotic division is already very effective on the field."
"They are. After training this batch, I'll hand my duties over and join them. But I'm sure you already know."
"I do. Which is why I came personally to tell you that there's been a change of plans."
"Sir?"
Anderson nodded to a bench a bit away from the training ground. Kaidan followed him. Just now he noticed the small package Anderson was carrying under his arm. Following his eyes the admiral smiled. To his surprise, the other man handed him the package.
"What's this?"
"Gift from Shepard. Gave me very specific orders what to buy and when to give it to you. Said something about traditions."
Kaidan's eyebrows rose as he continued staring at Anderson.
"Don't look at me like that, son. I'm just a messenger for messages I don't understand."
"You saw her?"
"A few hours ago. Just arrived from Vancouver to pick you up personally."
"Ah."
He really hadn't more to say about that. Anderson had warned him before that he might have to testify in front of a committee and it seemed like the time had come. Watching another batch of soldiers run by, they sat down on the bench Anderson had pointed to, letting the silence grew between them.
"Aren't you going to open your present, Major? I heard that's what you do with birthday gifts."
Kaidan smiled. "Only if you care to join me for a drink."
"I was never one to refuse a good drop."
Opening the box Kaidan found not only the bottle he was expecting, but also two small glasses. She wondered if it was Shepard's doing, telling Anderson not to let him drink alone or Anderson thinking the same. Either way, he didn't mind. He could use the company, especially considering what was lying before him.
He poured a bit of the golden liquid into the glasses, handing the admiral one of them while keeping the other for himself. They raised their hands in a silent toast, nobody saying what, or rather who, was undoubtedly on their minds.
To Shepard, Kaidan thought while letting the taste of the whiskey unfold. May we get to celebrate this tradition together again at some point.
5.
It wasn't his birthday but it didn't matter. Some rules (or some traditions) were made to be bend, if not broken. Nothing mattered but her lips on his, tasting like whiskey and desperation and love and Shepard.
Kaidan breathed her in like he'd drown without her, holding her tight with no intention of ever letting her go again. He would have to, he knew, in just a few hours. But until reality came knocking, she was his and he'd make the best of it.
Her laugh was still ringing in his ears when he'd confessed he'd lied, he didn't come for a quick drink. She'd rolled her eyes at him, telling him silently that she'd already known but it didn't matter. There was whiskey and if there was whiskey, there were traditions to be upheld, even if the day was wrong and the circumstances were wrong. But when had they ever been right?
The one thing that was right was her in his arms and he'd be damned if he'd let anyone take her from him again.
6.
The skies had stopped burning but there was still ash everywhere. It seemed to creep inside every opening it found, settling like dust on a lost civilization. A quiet reminder of everything they'd lost – or were yet about to lose.
Silently Kaidan sat in half-darkness, listening to the hushed murmurs of people moving outside the room, trying not to disturb him in his vigil. He hadn't moved since he'd arrived back on Earth a few days ago, except for using the bathroom or getting out of the way when a nurse or doctor needed to get to the bed. They'd given up telling him they'd contact him as soon as anything changed as well as telling him to sleep or eat. He napped sitting in a chair by her side and – after being threatened with artificial nourishment – ate the food they brought him.
He didn't care as long as he didn't need to leave Shepard. He'd promised himself, promised her, to never leave her side again, no matter what happened. It always seemed to end in either her death or her near death and he was superstitious enough not to risk it ever again. Not after months of fighting his way back to her through deep space, not after finding her still alive, although in a coma.
The doctors said she was stable but waking up was another matter altogether. It was none they wanted to comment on. So Kaidan sat by her side, held her hand, and waited. The reapers were gone. He had all the time in the world and every second he had to give, was hers to take.
Hours and days were blurring together as Kaidan sat there staring at the soft rise and fall of Shepard's chest. She looked fragile in a way he'd never seen her, small and bent but not broken. Never broken. Although it had been close as he'd been told. Leave it to Shepard to actually be on the Citadel while blowing it up.
Kaidan closed his eyes and sighted, letting his head fall back and rest on his chair. He wasn't even aware how tired he had been until he suddenly woke up again, blinking into the darkness, unsure what had awoken him. Something had changed but he couldn't put a finger on what.
Disoriented he sat up, circulating his neck with a moan while searching the room. Nothing seemed to have changed as far as he could see in the half-darkness. Night had fallen outside of Shepard's window, the only light inside her room was coming from the corridor which made it harder to see.
It didn't take long for his eyes to adjust and as always they were instantly drawn to Shepard. Despite the steady beeping of the machines she was attached to, the first thing he always checked was her breathing. Only when he saw the rise and fall of her chest, he somewhat relaxed, giving her hand a small squeeze. This time, she squeezed back.
Startled Kaidan stared at the small, bandaged hand inside of his, unsure if he'd only imagined it. Then, slowly as if he'd feared what he'd find, his eyes began to travel to Shepard's face. Parts of it were still in bandages but her lips and eyes lay bare and they were half-open and looking at him, a small smile playing around her mouth.
For a long moment Kaidan could only stare at her, unsure if he was truly awake and if this was truly happening. Something on his face seemed to show his disbelief because again Shepard gave his hand a small squeeze.
"Hey," she whispered, voice rough from lack of use.
"Hey," Kaidan echoed, disbelieving.
"You look awful."
In that second Kaidan realized that he was, indeed, awake and so was Shepard. Before he could stop himself, he was leaning over Shepard, carefully pressing his lips against hers. It was the softest, most careful kiss he'd ever given her, quite the opposite from the desperate, devouring one he wanted to disappear in. But the only thing that mattered in that moment was that she was returning it, that she was alive and awake and his.
Kaidan could feel Shepard smiling against his lips and he leaned into her hand as she placed it on his cheek, thumb slowly caressing his rough skin and brushing away the wetness she found there. His breath left him in a shudder when he finally released her lips again, placing his forehead against hers.
"Promise me you won't do that again."
"Saving the galaxy?"
"Scaring me like that."
"I'll give my best."
"You always do."
"So, we did save the galaxy, right?"
"Yeah. You did."
"Good. I feel like death warmed over. Would've been a pain in the ass if that would've been for nothing." Even though she was joking, her voice sounded tired.
"Shepard …"
"What day is it? How much time ..."
Have I lost this time. Kaidan knew exactly what she wanted to say and his heart clenched. She'd already lost two years and she was scared how much time had passed this time. How much had changed since the last battle. While a lot had changed, it was less to the time that had passed, but that wasn't something she needed to be bothered with right now. It could wait.
Shepard on the other hand was never one for waiting, so he answered: "Just a few months."
"Kaidan …"
"It's … March 3rd."
Shepard gave a small laugh and it took him a long moment to realize why she was laughing.
"Oh."
"I'm sorry I broke tradition and didn't get you a present this year."
Kaidan smiled and brushed his nose against hers. "But you did."
"Waking up isn't a present."
"It's the best present I ever got," he replied before turning his head, lips ghosting over hers again.
"And besides, a wise woman once said sometimes it's OK to make up new traditions. I'm sure we'll think of something."
Author's Note:
Traditions was written as a (very belated) birthday gift for my wonderful friend Jess (femshepfit on Tumblr) who asked for a Shenko drabble with a birthday tradition. It got slightly out of hand.
Thank you SO much to bioticbooty (aka quantumparadigm around here, check out her amazing work!) who helped me figuring out the timeline. Since there's no official birthday for Kaidan, we placed it on March 3rd, 2151 to make this story work.