Disclaimer: The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy belongs to Maxwell Atoms and Cartoon Network Studios. I make no profits from writing this piece of (fan)fiction…but I do love celery sticks.
I'm late and out of season, but when you've got inspiration, you've got inspiration.
I suppose I should do the introduction here: This is going to be another one of my update-at-my-leisure fics composed of oneshots around a central theme—Valentine's Day. There will be fluff as well as some darker stuff. And not every oneshot will actually feature characters falling in lurve. However, Grim, Mandy, and Eris will be in each oneshot, and if they do fall in love, they'll be falling in love with each other. Which means femmeslash is always an option, as well as love triangles.
Summary: Each mortal man wishes for that, for whom he cannot have…and it is the same with supernatural beings. But then the lady in question arrives, and she has a bit of a surprise for Grim. Perhaps that old theory is not always correct after all…
hearts and thigh bones
g r i m X e r i s
Pink and red construction paper was strewn all across the mahogany oak table, their scraps occasionally falling onto the floor and lying there quietly. Ribbons of lace were all curled up, dropping onto the table with the careful snip of blunted scissors. Large construction-paper hearts were neatly stacked in a corner in alternating layers of pink and red.
Death and his master sat there, tracing and cutting out perfectly symmetrical hearts, each a few inches tall. Glue bottles and gluesticks were stood on their heads for the purpose of attaching lace to frame the hearts. It was an organized matter, making these paper hearts. Mandy handled the pink ones, Grim did the reds. Trace, cut, glue on lace bordering, and let it dry. They would be personalized by her later.
"Shame we can't give them actual beating hearts," she remarked.
"A shame, but Hades would probably start complainin' if I tried anyway." He peered over the bright red heart he was tracing with stencils. Yes, goddamn plastic stencils. It was demeaning work, considering his status, but he couldn't honestly complain. With Billy out of the house and Mandy too preoccupied with making her classmates' valentines to really boss him around, this was almost enjoyable. The girl seemed almost relaxed—well, relaxed like a tiger would be before it leaped.
"Pass me some lace."
He obliged. The quiet made him thoughtful. Valentine's Day was today, and it happened to fall on the weekend. Tomorrow Mandy's school would be celebrating it, a day late, but nevertheless they'd be celebrating it. Handing out Valentine cards and candy—one of the many ways mortals had wrecked every inch of what holidays stood for.
Beneath all the sugared glee, the whole 'love' concept was insignificant, unimportant, merely a throwaway word with today's generation. What was the point of Mandy giving Valentines to everyone when she loved none?
Still, as he adorned the hearts with lace, he couldn't help wondering. He'd met Eros before, or Cupid as he was now called. And a very snobby little youth he was, with a penchant for occasionally humming along to bubble-gum pop. Nevertheless, he was the god of love, passion, desire…and of course, he was the one to prophesize that Death himself would fall into love's matrix one day. This was made less believable by the fact Eros was also singing under his breath, "I'm a Barbie Girl…in a Barbie wo-o-orld…"
But it seemed that the young god indeed was speaking the truth, because now love's ensnarements had begun to reach for him. When Grim thought about love and himself, a curvy, vindictive blonde came to mind. He'd probably never have her—he was probably like a worm at her feet, a pathetic, whacked nothing that dimmed her awesome presence —but that didn't keep him from thinking about her, thinking about love. He wanted her. A lady with an enticing and occasionally insane laugh, along with the extraordinary desire for all things out of order—
He was always the type who fell for the mysterious, the self-confident…the chaotic.
"Grim, you'd be a lot more grim if you'd stop smiling all the time, you know. Get back to work on my Valentines."
"Right." He coughed and hid his smile.
Thirty minutes later there were three stacks of nine hand-crafted paper hearts each, all set up with lace glued and dried. Mandy set down her glue bottle and shuffled around some of the scraps on the floor with her feet.
"They're almost ready for the names," she said, taking one of the reds and critiquing Grim's craftsmanship. "There's just one missing component. I have big, new plans this year for Valentine's."
"And dey would be…?"
Her eyes glittered, and suddenly he wondered if it was so bad living with her. "Chaos."
-
He retreated from the kitchen and sat next to Mandy on her rose-hued couch. As always, the TV was on. "Well, I called her."
"And?"
"She'll be here once she finishes teasing Aphrodite."
"How come Eris gets to tease Aphrodite and I don't?"
"I'll take you to meet her one day, I promise."
Mandy stretched out next to him, propping her tiny feet against his femur. Speaking of Aphrodite reminded Grim of one of Mandy's statements.
Romance is for the weak-minded.
Oh, he'd definitely have to tell Aphrodite that one.
Was he weak-minded? Of course, as Mandy would say, and her eyes contained nothing but the truth.
But he wouldn't mind so much if only Eris would come here sooner, dressed in her wickedly white Greek garb that offered all her curves. Chaos and Death would make a good team, he thought. One usually led to the other.
Still, his fantasies were in vain, weren't they? Eris seemed to like mortal men, gods, Titans—skeletons did not seem to be her thing. She probably lusted for muscles and flesh she could pet, and he had none. She could be still dating Hoss for all he knew.
He gave Mandy a fleeting glance. There was another being destined to be a loner through life, but she was one contented with it. And if there was no hope for Mandy, there was certainly no hope for him, because even she was quite pretty once you got past the death glares…After all, he had seen her smile…
He pondered in silence until the explosion.
It was delivered in a burst of snowy white before the TV, the kind of white that blinds your eyes when the sun hits it. Grim covered his eyes with a bony hand. The television was muted.
Out of the crackling light came a high-pitched, maniacal laugh not unlike Billy's mom's. Then she stepped forth, arms wide.
"Hello, sweethearts. Having a good Valentine's?"
Eris was no Aphrodite. Her face was too wide, her eyes too dark a shade of blue, her figure too stout, her smile missing a tooth—but Grim found he preferred it that way. Her imperfections were what made her so desirable…
Her lips, a deep, dark red, the color of blood. They parted in surprised delight when Mandy revealed her plans. Apparently he'd been too busy staring at her to realize the pleasantries had been made, and now it was down to business. "Oh, my, Mandy, such a wonderful idea! Chaos does best with little immature buffoons like you and your classmates—you brats just don't know where or how to stop!" She laughed a tittering, pleased laugh. "This will be great!"
The two girls headed to the dining room, leaning their heads together. Grim was left on the couch like a tired old toy. Whispers of their conversation reached him through the walls and he listened, rapt.
"Apple…can you…does it have enough…my darling, of course it can be done…"
He heard the clanking of knives, the dribbles of juice. Something seemed to explode and he winced.
A few minutes later, Mandy strutted out of the room carrying the Valentines and looking strangely satisfied. She spared him a glance and a couple sentences, which was more than usual.
"I got Eris to put a seed from her apple in each of these Valentines. You should come to school with me tomorrow, bonehead. The show's going to be great." She placed her foot on the bottom step of the staircase. "I'm going to go personalize these now. Have fun with Eris."
Somehow, the way she said that last sentence made him shiver, like Mandy knew something she shouldn't. He had no more time to ponder though, as the moment she disappeared another blonde poked her head out of the dining room.
"Oh, hello, Grim. I have a favor to ask of you, darling. Will you help a poor goddess out?" she pouted.
He stood up, suddenly nervous. "Uh, hi Eris. Sure I'll help you…"
"Let's go outside, shall we?" In one move, she straightened her tiara and grasped Grim by the hand, dragging him toward the front door.
When they were outside, Eris batted her eyelashes at him, showcasing her magenta eyelids. It was a beautiful, clear-skied day, and she glowed in the sun, her tanned skin suddenly brightened. She was a goddess of gold now, standing uncomfortably close to him.
"I like your little friend," she breathed. "Such a fiery little vixen…if only she'd join me…"
He laughed a little, nearly backed up against Mandy's closed front door. Something pricked and buzzed in him where his heart out to be. Her hand was still clutching his, her divinely illuminated flesh, looking like something out of heaven from the light…
On instinct, he looked up. Something moved by Mandy's window and he knew she was watching him.
"Oh…yeah…Mandy's really someting…haha…"
She released his hand. "Nice day out, hmm?"
"Uh…yeah…"
"Perfect for chaos." She gave him a toothy smile. "Speaking of which…the favor. I was wondering if you'd like to help me give my own kind of Valentine to the man I love...you know what I mean. I do love him, ever so much, and I think he deserves something chaotically special this year." Swiftly, she grasped both his hands. "What say you, Grim? Will you help me deliver discord to my Valentine?"
The buzzing in his (metaphorical) heart faded away. The man I love… He immediately thought of Prometheus, Adonis, Apollo, even Hoss. What he'd give to be one of them…oh, what he'd give, indeed. He'd let himself be enslaved by Billy and Mandy for all eternity if Eris would just join him…
She must have mistaken his expression for rejection, for she stuck out her bottom lip and laced her voice with sorrow. "Oh, won't you help me, Grim? I'm daddy's least favorite child, you know…He still hasn't forgiven me for the little skirmish at Troy. And it hurts. I get lonely…and I need this man to give me the love Daddy never did…" She blinked, her eyes suddenly exaggerated with tears. "And you're just who I want to help me win his heart…powerful…dark…Oh, please help me, Grim?"
She was just too beautiful when she pretended to be sad. And even though he knew she was only being dramatic, he gave in. "Alright, I'll help you, Eris."
"Woo-hoo! Oh, yay!" She embraced him for a second as if he was a squeaky toy, then pulled away before he could register any joy or surprise. "He's gonna love it, Grim! Well, after he gets over the bites…" she trailed off. "Now, I need you to stand still…"
He complied, standing rigid on Mandy's doorstep, feeling hollow. What was he thinking? He was going to help Eris get the man she wanted so that he could feel even more lonesome?
"Oh, perfect! Now…"
She leaned in closer, and he expected her to do some sort of magic on him. Instead, she quickly closed the space between them until there was none left, until they were pressed against each other, until he could feel her warm skin against his dead bones—and then she wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him long and deep.
He wanted to gasp, but he had no air…not that he needed it. Eris…kissing…him! He of all people, not Hoss or any god, but him! The Grim Reaper! And he smiled when she stayed there and didn't leave. Mandy was watching him, probably pressing her dour little face to the window now, but he didn't mind…In fact, he smiled and closed his eyes, at complete ease.
And Eris smiled too, he could feel her rich lips turn up at the corners…he didn't even notice when she unhooked one arm from his neck and reached for her Apple.
There was an explosion sounding like a firecracker above his head, and he was showered in something. Quite a few somethings, actually. Something dry and prickly and several somethings that crawled all over and bit him.
His eyes shot wide open and Eris pulled away, laughing. He immediately looked up, and something fell into one of his eye sockets.
Her golden apple was only a few inches above his head, belching out bouquets of dead black roses and handfuls of tiny scorpions creeping all over his robe. He yelped in pain as one sunk its fangs into his finger.
She flicked a scorpion off her wrap and walked into the middle of the street, still giggling hysterically. She glanced at him again as he did a little dance in an attempt to beat off the scorpions while roses were sprayed at him, their thorns hooking onto his robe.
"I told you he'd love it," she smiled. "Ta-ta, Grim! And happy Valentine's, darling." She snapped her fingers and the Apple reappeared in her hand, but somehow the flow of flowers and bugs did not cease.
She disappeared, no doubt to go tell Aphrodite how she celebrated Valentine's, Grim thought. Piles of withered petals were at his feet as he continued to howl and stomp out the scorpions that fell and bit where he stood. But his smile remained, and he wondered if even Mandy up there was trying to hide a smirk…
-
"George," she muttered, handing the boy a paper heart. He grabbed it eagerly and Mandy moved on.
"And this is for you, Grim," she said, offering him her last Valentine. It was a lilac pink heart that seemed slightly larger than everyone else's.
He accepted it, smiling dreamily and still thinking of yesterday. "Tank you, child."
In neat black marker the words 'Romance is for the weak-minded' were centered on the front. The traditional sentence 'Happy Valentine's Day, Grim' was an inch below. He turned it over. One dull gold apple seed was attached to the back. A few classmates had mistaken it for candy and attempted to swallow the little thing.
Mandy snapped her fingers, and the seeds began to glow.
The roof of the school collapsed halfway at the center, and the windows cracked and gave way. Chairs began to rock unsteadily as the tiled school floor gave a few nervous tremors.
That was their only warning.
A horde of nightmarish, distorted creatures from the Underworld poured in at each breach, whipping tails, boasting tentacles, and breathing fire, attracted to the lure of the seeds. Things began to break, and break noisily.
The schoolchildren threw up their arms and began to run and scream. Above their racket Grim could hear Ms. Butterbean attempting to calm the class in vain as desks were tipped, the blackboard crashed, and staplers flew through the air. Billy ran past, shrieking as his underwear caught fire.
Mandy joined Grim at the back of the room. He could barely hear her underneath all the noise. "You know, this chaos thing isn't as overrated as I thought it would be."
"You may be right, girl." He happened to look down at the Valentine again. Underneath the now sparkling seed were a few more small letters he hadn't noticed.
'P.S. Good luck with Eris, bonehead.'
He smiled.
'Not really.'
Mandy caught his eye as he ducked a flying textbook. "Happy Valentine's Day."
End.
Don't you just love clichés?!?
Finally, I get to write GrimxEris. I've wanted to do it for the longest time. Constructive criticism appreciated.
Commercial part of the fic: I am offering my services as a beta reader for fics in this fandom. The official "advertisement" is in the 'Anything Grim and Evil' forum; you'll see the thread. I think alerts are finally working again, but feel free to reply to the thread as it's just generally easier.
On the other hand, I'm also looking for a beta for stuff I write. Hopefully someone will be interested. If no one is, then I'll just hope you enjoyed the oneshot.