It's angst. My very first. Be gentle!
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach because if I did, many things would be different. Let's see. Renji wouldn't have been an idiot. Rukia would have told Renji how much she loved him. Gin wouldn't have betrayed Rangiku. Hitsugaya would have owned Aizen. Orihime would kick ass. Complain. Complain. Complain.
"What's going on?" That's the very first thing I can say.
I look around but I have no idea where I am. None of this looks familiar. The trees that look ready to attack me. The sky that looks as though it's ready to cry. The cliff that looks like…like…
"Someone's ready to jump off it?"
Swirling around, I let out a gasp. I already knew who it was by the voice, but I didn't expect this.
The name passes my lips. "Renji."
He looks at me with those dark brown eyes, but something's different with them. They look so listless. All the fire they normally have, it's gone. That's not all that's different. His hair. It's down. There's no fancy headband or any sunglasses on top of his head and no band containing it. His hair is blowing slightly every time the wind picks up.
I hadn't even known there was a breeze until I saw his hair. Strange. You would think I could feel it through this dress. When did I put this dress on? When did I get here? When did Renji get here?
"You're ignoring me." Renji's voice pulls me back.
"What?"
I back away when his face changes to an expression of resentment. Why? What have I done?
"You're ignoring me again. Why?"
"I…I didn't mean to ignore you. I was distracted."
It is the honest truth. I was lost in my own thoughts. His expression changes again, but this time…it's one of pain. I can feel my heart twinge and pull as I look at him. I can't remember a single moment when he had that expression. It scares me.
Renji walks toward me and I step back out of instinct. I don't know why, but that look he's giving me, it hurts. I don't want to see it anymore…not on Renji. Renji isn't supposed to look that way.
Renji's supposed to be happy and idiotic. He's supposed to take everything with a smile.
He can be childish and brash too. He'll yell and argue, just like a brat.
Sometimes he can be stoic and serious. Just like that time when he held me in his arms and protected me.
But he's never like this. He never looks like that.
Before I can stop myself, it comes out.
"Stop it."
He stops walking but that expression doesn't change.
"Stop it!" I scream.
"I did."
"No, stop looking at me like that! Smile! Get angry! Something, but don't look at me like that!"
I don't understand. I'm good at hiding my emotions. I can act as though nothing is bothering me for decades. I always have! So why is it that I'm going hysterical just because Renji looks so…so…
"Heartbroken?"
I cringe. That's exactly what I was thinking, but that's impossible. That would mean that…
'Renji loves me.'
Renji walks toward me again and before I can move back, he walks right past.
"Why him?"
I turn around and watch as Renji continues to just stroll on.
"Who?"
"Why Ichigo? Why do you love him?"
I shake my head. What's he talking about? Love Ichigo? I don't love him.
"Don't say you don't. It's obvious."
"What are you—?"
He turns around and glares at me furiously. "Don't lie to me! The way you act around him! The way you obsess over him! You love him!"
"No, I don't!" What is this idiot talking about? I don't love Ichigo. Why would I? "I don't know what's wrong with you, but you're wrong."
He scoffs and I feel my blood boil. Why that—
"Even if I did love him, why's it any of your business?!" It's not any of his business. Who I love is my business. Why does he care?
I feel myself go pale when he looks at me with that look again. He's doing it on purpose. He wants to make me feel bad. Why?
"It is my business because…"
He starts to mumble and look everywhere except at me, and it's making me furious.
"Out with it!"
He sighs, then looks at me with dead brown eyes.
"I love you."
My pulse quickens and my heart starts racing rapidly. He didn't just say that.
"You don't mean that. You're lying."
"I wish I was. If I didn't love you, then I wouldn't have to feel this way. I wouldn't have you on my mind every time I wake up. I wouldn't feel so jealous just seeing you with Ichigo. It hurts so badly, and the worst part? You don't even care."
"What? I do care."
"How could you care if you didn't even know?"
I shut up. He's right. How could I have cared if I didn't know? But is that really true? Renji really loves me?
"How long?" was all I could ask.
He looks down. "Since before we got separated." He chuckles. "Can you believe I had a huge crush on you even before then?"
He did? "You did?"
Renji nods and I start to think back. How could I not have noticed? We've been friends for decades and I didn't even notice that he had a crush on me? How oblivious am I?
"But it doesn't matter. I let you go and now I've lost you."
I want to tell him that he didn't. He still has me, but…how can I? I don't love Renji that way, do I?
"Why do you love him? Is it because he'd die to protect you?"
"No…you'd do the same."
"Then is it because he makes you happy?"
"No. I'm much happier with you." Where did this all come from? How can I answer these so quickly? I don't know what's going on anymore.
"So it's because he looks like that other guy? The one who died."
I shake my head. He can't be talking about him, can he? "Kaien-dono? How do you know about him?"
"It doesn't matter. Ichigo is the one you love. I lost again."
'You didn't lose.' I want to say that. I want to say it so badly. Why won't it come out?
Renji looks up at me and I can't believe what I see. He's smiling. Renji's smiling. Why?
"Thank you for letting me love you though."
I blink. 'What?' I watch as Renji takes a step back. My entire body shakes as he continues to walk backwards right towards the cliff.
He wouldn't. He keeps walking. He can't. He looks ready to lean back. He is.
I feel tears trickle. My resolve break. My heart shatter. I watch in horror, tears falling from my eyes. I know I can stop him…so why aren't I? Why am I…letting him go?
Renji stops for a moment, then looks at me, and I don't know what to do. Is he saying he wants me to stop him? He doesn't need me. Renji's strong and brave and wonderful. He doesn't need me to keep him alive.
"Well?"
"What?"
"You really don't need me anymore, do you?"
He's wrong. I do need him. I need him more than anything. When we were separated, he was the only one that I could think of. It broke me when I thought that he didn't need me anymore until I realized that he didn't.
"You don't need me," I whisper. The tears pour down like rain and I take a step forward. "You don't need to die for me! I'm not worth it!" I scream.
He shakes his head. "You're not worth it? How could you ever say that? You're the most wonderful person I've ever known. Don't say you're not worth it. You're worth far more than you can ever imagine."
"No, I'm not." I'm not worth dying for. I'm not. If he dies, I'll hate him. If he leaves me like Kaien-dono, I'll never forgive him! 'Tell him! Tell him that!'
"D…d…d…" Come out, please. Please, for the first time, say what you really want to say. He takes one more step back and I scream.
"I LOVE YOU!"
Renji stops then looks at me in shock. I smile weakly. I said it. I finally said it. I wait for him to come back to me, wait for him to embrace me with his strong arms. My pulse slows when that look comes back. That look of pure anguish.
"Rukia, I taught you better than that. Don't lie even if it will make someone feel better."
No. No, this can't be. This isn't how it's supposed to happen. He's supposed to know that I mean it. That I love him. I'm not lying.
I open my mouth. "Rukia?" I shut it. Renji looks at me then grins like the happy idiot I thought he was.
"Keep smiling for me."
He steps off the cliff and I go into a full sprint.
"Renji!"
But I'm too late. My legs grow weak before I fall to the ground. My tears stain the ground and I crumple up into a ball. He's gone. He's really gone.
Please…please don't let this be true. Renji, come back to me. Please come back to me.
"Renji."
Rukia slowly opened her eyes and blinked a few times to get the tears off. She slowly sat up before she looked around. She was…in her room? What was going on?
She heard the door slide open and looked over at it—her breath caught in her throat. New tears worked their way to her eyes at what she saw. Renji looked at Rukia in shock.
"You're…crying. What's wrong? Had a bad dream? Stop crying!"
She didn't listen, though. She continued crying. He was here. He was here and by her side. Renji didn't know what to do, so he did the first thing that he could think of: he embraced her.
Renji stroked her hair. "It's okay, Rukia. It was just a dream. It's okay."
Rukia wanted to believe him. She truly did, but how could she? What if Renji did love her? What if she did love him back? What if…he didn't believe her?
Images of him falling off the cliff replayed themselves over and over again. Suddenly, she could see more and more things. Blades, nooses, poison. Rukia bit her lip before she held Renji closely.
"Please don't leave me. Please," she whimpered.
Renji felt her body shake as he heard her plea. What was she talking about? He didn't know and he didn't care. All that mattered was his best friend and the woman he loved was in his arms and begging for him.
'Even if she doesn't want me the same way, even if I'm not the one she loves, I'll be there for her.' Renji smiled, knowing very well Rukia couldn't see it. "Idiot. I already promised you, didn't I? I'm never going to leave you again."
She smiled through her tears. He did promise. He did. 'Still…' Rukia nestled closer to Renji. 'I'm not taking that chance. Renji…if you love me, I will never listen. If I love you, I will never tell you.'
The two stayed in their position, reveling in the feeling of being held by the one they loved and ignoring the feeling of their shattered hearts.
Read and review. Thank you. Please let me know whether I have angst-writing talent or not.