Hey everyone!
So here's another one-shot that was kicking around my head. I think it's very unlikely as a, 'what could happen in series 6' but you know, I just thought.. so what would happen if Gail went to SF to get Holly back?
So here's what I thought.
Thanks everyone who read If Only and especially those who left a review! I hope you enjoy this too :) & of course thanks for sticking with Admissions, another update for that soon as well (I hope!)
Also, Dusty.. as in Dusty, Dusty ? ;)
Here it is! Enjoy.
Gail wasn't very good at waiting for things. She had got better of course, especially over the last year but even so, she didn't have a vast amount of patience. Nor was she good with nerves. She hated the way they would claw at her, creep up on her steadily and then grasp at her heart, take residence in her chest. Made her breath all funny, her mind all anxious and scared. Make her not want to do things. Things that needed to be done.
She forced herself of course. But she hated it. She wished things would come easily to her but they didn't. Gail had to work for things. She had to focus and be determined and usually she would succeed. She knew as well that on the outside it didn't appear that way, for others looking in.
Most saw an abrasive, flippant, uncaring individual with an attitude that matched and it was only those close to her who knew what she was really like. How caring and compassionate she was for the people that mattered to her. Her friends, her family. All of whom meant a great deal to her but even that too, wasn't always apparent on the surface.
Gail often presented a persona that she didn't care about anybody although more recently that had changed. She'd put herself out there, tried to care for someone in the most generous way, tried to take of someone who needed looking after. She'd tried to adopt, tried to become a mom however that, as was the way for Gail hadn't worked out.
Lots of things hadn't worked out for Gail over the last few years. Well through most of her life, actually. Some she regretted more than others, some she wished she could go back and change but most she just accepted as being the way her shitty life went.
Then she decided about a month ago she was going to take action. Something quite out of character for her but she was done with feeling miserable. Done with feeling like she had left everything good behind her. Like the best person she had ever met, for example. Gail was now going to be a doer. She was going to be decisive and proactive; she knew what she wanted and she was going to get it.
So here she was. Her heart literally beating from half way up her throat. Her palms all sweaty, perspiration she was sure pouring from her brow. Her mouth was dry and she felt like she'd run a marathon. She felt fidgety and as she walked she repeatedly clenched her fists and stretched out her fingers at her sides. She was certain this was as much of a mistake as it was the right thing to do, depending on the moment that passed.
She was more petrified then she could ever remember being but she knew it was what she had to do. What she needed to do. Everyone said so. Traci, Steve. Oliver. They all encouraged her. They told her to follow her heart so she came to San Francisco and this is how she found herself striding down the hallway of the Forensics Building, each step taking her that little bit closer to Holly's office.
Holly didn't know, of course. Gail wanted to surprise her. Or rather she had chickened out several times in telling her. Besides grand gestures were better, right? Showing her how far she was willing to go, and all that. Prove to Holly how much she meant to her, tell her how much not having her in her life was like being without her right arm. The other half of her soul, and so on. That the biggest regret of life was letting Holly leave without at least telling her exactly how she felt. Without telling her that she needed her, that she had fallen in love with her.
Gail ran her tongue across her lips as she felt her chest clench, the thought making her slow her walk to a near stop. Her heart was racing and her mind felt fuzzy; it had been ten months since Gail last saw Holly. They hadn't really spoke in that time, just a text message here or there. Mostly there. What if Holly's life had moved on?
"Gail?"
Gail knew the voice immediately. She spun around and saw her approaching her, the woman who walked away from her ten months ago. She looked exactly the same. Just as beautiful, just as captivating. Just as devastating in the way that she looked at her, in the way her lips upturned at the corners in that sideways grin. The way her eyes shone and gazed at her affectionately through those glasses, just the way they always did.
Those sexy librarian glasses.
Gail froze, she wasn't sure for how long. The speech she practiced vanishing without a trace and she couldn't for the life of her think of a thing to say. Even though she was the one doing the chasing. She was the one doing the seizing. She just looked at her. God she really was beautiful, her long hair exactly the same as it was before. Cascading down her shoulders and spilling over the top of her lab coat. The coat that clung to her body so adoringly atop the shirt and pants underneath.
Gail felt her eyes travel the length of Holly's body and back up again before she could stop them and then they settled on her eyes. The eyes that were now looking at her intently.
"Hey," Holly said as she came to a stop before her, her smile faultering just slightly when Gail made no response. She placed a hand on Gail's shoulder nonetheless and squeezed it, not being able to help herself. "What are you doing here?"
Gail shifted her gaze away for a moment as she snapped herself out of it. Or into it.
Thankfully though, Holly was doing enough talking to cover Gail's nerves.
"Are you here for a case?"
Gail shook her head, "No, no," she replied with a small cough. "No case."
"Oh," and then Holly retracted her hand, taking in a breath as she let her shoulders relax. Seeing Gail was quite a shock. Well a big shock, but not an unwelcome one. Her smile was still beaming.
"I uhmm," Gail trailed off, looking to the floor for a moment before she found Holly's eyes again. "Came to see you," she finished quietly.
Holly was a little taken aback. Her back straightened and a furrow hit her brow. Her eyebrows shot up, as well, her head shaking ever so slightly. "To see me?"
Gail licked her lips again. This wasn't really going as planned but she had started it now. The only way she could go was forwards. Her eyes were unblinking and she just nodded her head. "Yeah," she breathed, and that was all she said.
Holly was stunned. Completely and utterly and there was really no other way to put it. There was no way she could believe Gail was here just to see her. After all this time. Why? And what about Sophie? Was she here too? She looked around them both for a moment and then she rubbed at her ear. "I'm kind of at work, at the moment."
"I know," Gail said quickly, closing her eyes to gather herself. She witnessed the confusion take over Holly's face and she knew she had to say something more. She was never going to get her back if she couldn't articulate her feelings and that after all, was the whole reason she was there. She rolled her eyes at herself.
Gail took a step closer to Holly and softened her disposition. Her shoulders went back and she exhaled a calming breath. Or at least that's what she went for. "I was hoping we could maybe get a drink after…" she trailed off as she saw Holly's face light up and it momentarily knocked her off track. She looked at the floor again as Holly's eyes were completely distracting her. "I just landed about an hour ago so I came right here."
Holly just melted as Gail went all bashful. Her grin turned lazy. "You just landed?"
Gail tried again to hold Holly's gaze. She nodded. "Yeah," she said, and then she swallowed as she looked away. "I've got to check in at my hotel so we could get dinner-"
"-Which hotel?"
There was a pause. "Hampton, off Broadway."
Holly just nodded at her, taking it all in. Gail was there, after all this time wanting to take her out for food, and drinks, and probably lots of talking. She looked so nervous it was too endearing, too cute and Holly felt her heart do a flopping thing. She had no idea why this woman had such a power over her and all she wanted was to agree. She wanted dinner, she wanted to talk and she couldn't express how much she physically ached to spend time with Gail again but, why couldn't it have been sooner? Why couldn't she have come before? All Holly could do was grin a little sadly at her and for the life of her she couldn't believe why this was happening now.
It was Holly's turn to swallow and she took a step further into Gail's personal space. "Look I uhmm-"
"Hols!"
They both turned to the voice and Holly took a step away from Gail. She looked to the ground, pushed out a breath and smiled at the woman coming toward her. Holly turned her cheek away from Gail and practically blocked her from what she knew was coming.
The woman strode up to Holly and grabbed her wrist, pulling her into her body before she kissed her cheek.
"I thought I might've missed you. I just wanted to give you this for tonight," the stranger grinned at Holly. "You know," she smiled, "so you don't arrive empty handed."
Gail couldn't comprehend what she was seeing. It was like her eyes were taking in images but her brain just downright refused to believe them. This woman was touching Holly, smiling at her the way people who date do. No, it was more than that. She was smiling at her the way smitten people do. The way Gail used to look at her, with half lidded eyes and pouting, waiting lips. The way someone who loved her would look at her…
Just the way Gail used to.
It felt like an anvil dropping on her from a thirty foot height and it seemed to go on forever. The way the strangers fingers just wouldn't stop their assault on Holly's wrist. The way they were trying to link themselves with hers.
It was painful and it all gathered at the back of Gail's throat. She had to physically take a step back and then she forced her eyes to the floor.
"Oh," Holly said, having to fake a smile. Talk about the worst timing ever! She detangled herself from Zoe and took a half step away from her. "Thanks I'll err, remember to bring it."
Holly looked at Gail and could see the devastation rolling across her face. To anyone else it wouldn't have been obvious but it was to her. She almost didn't want to see her eyes. She didn't want to see what this was doing to her and she tried her best to make it easy on her. Or easier, by toning down Zoe's contact.
"Holly,' Zoe started, a light tone to her voice as she had absolutely no clue what was going on. If she picked up on an atmosphere she didn't show it. She gestured at Gail. "Aren't you going to introduce us?"
Holly's smile was tight-lipped. "Of course," she said. She looked at Gail who looked up and opened her eyes, the walls in them quickly erected and her body language echoed it. "Gail this is Zoe," and then she looked at her girlfriend. "Zoe, Gail."
Zoe immediately thrust her hand in Gail's direction and Gail thought she was doing so, so well. She wanted to hit her. Zoe, that is. She wanted to storm out, scream, drown in her own vehement, delirious self-pity but instead she took Zoe's offered hand and shook it, a smile of some description scraping its way onto her lips.
"Hi," Zoe said enthusiastically, and Gail just nodded.
"I worked with Gail in Toronto," Holly began, trying to end this process as quickly as possible and get Zoe out of there so she could explain something, to Gail.
"Oh in forensics?" Zoe asked, still holding onto Gail's hand.
"No," Gail replied, shaking her head as she took her hand back and then she ran her palm across her hip as if to cleanse it. Before she could carry on though, Holly spoke for her.
"Gail's a police officer."
"Oh that's amazing," Zoe beamed, finding out Holly's forearm and linking both of her hands around it.
Gail's hand came up to rub at her forehead just above her eyebrow. She didn't think she could stand there any longer. Holly had a girlfriend, that much was obvious. Of course she had a girlfriend. Holly had a new girlfriend after a few weeks last time so why wouldn't she have one after ten months? It was stupid. Gail was stupid, so brilliantly idiotic and here she was, standing in front of them as the new girlfriend hung off of Holly, off Gail's ex-girlfriend after kissing her and giving her some kind of gift to take somewhere tonight.
Why was she still standing there? That was clearly it. Done. There was no reason for Gail to still be there. She looked at Holly and then immediately had to look away again. Holly was smiling at her, at Zoe, and it was just far too much for her to take.
Her grand gesture was a grand failure. As was Gail.
"I should go," Gail said sharply, interrupting Zoe mid-speech about something to do with the Canadian police force.
It seemed to get Holly's attention, anyway. She took a definitive step forwards, not worried about how it may look. "You don't have to," she said quickly. Her face now frowning, her eyes sad.
Or maybe Gail imagined that last part.
Zoe pointed at herself. "I didn't mean to interrupt," she glanced at Holly. "I was just about to leave anyway-"
"No," Gail said, a smile completely forced to her lips. She took another step backwards, her hands finding her back pockets. "I was just in town," and as she looked at Holly it was hard to hold the emotion back in her eyes. She felt her chest constrict and if her forehead wasn't full of lines she had no idea why not. "Thought I'd stop and say hi," she continued, knowing this was likely the last time she would ever see her.
"Gail," Holly said softly, her head tilting to the side. She felt it too. Every single ounce of it.
Gail's tongue paused on her bottom lip, her eyes wide and glistening. She couldn't help but feel a tug inside when Holly looked at her in that way. A tug that brought back memories of the past. Better memories, but ones that crumbled and shattered within her all the same. "To an old friend of mine," she finished, and this time she didn't care if her lip quivered. Her tone did regardless, as if these were the subtle signifiers of her distress. Holly caught them all, she knew it but still she had to go.
Gail turned and left, her legs moving as fast as she could make them go. God it hurt. Completely, like a huge ripping sensation inside from her gut to her sternum. Everything she planned to say, everything she'd planned on doing crushed, in an instant. Just like that but she didn't know why she was surprised. Why she would expect it to go any better. Gail missed her chance when she didn't call Holly back all those times she tried to call after what happened in the Penny with Holly's friends. That was Gail's time and she failed. She assumed Holly would be waiting for her. That Holly wouldn't have moved on just like she supposed, she was hoping for this time.
Stupid.
Foolish.
Idiot.
The emotion was thick behind her eyes and she didn't think she could cope with it. Gail knew she was petulant before, she knew she was a brat. She knew she treated Holly like someone she could pick up and put down at will but then she had tried. She honestly tried and she had changed. She opened up, or she started to. She wanted Holly then and she wanted her now but this was just too much. Sophie was gone and now Holly was lost to her too. She had lost them both and she didn't know how much more loss she could take. Her insides hurt and it was as if she was cast adrift with no one to find her. No one who wanted to. No one who thought she was worth it.
Gail charged through the doors to the building and felt the warm air hit her as she stepped outside. God why was California so bright? It really didn't fit Gail's mood. She needed a dark room. And alcohol. Lots of it. She took a look down the street and then hurried toward her rental needing to get out of this. She needed to forget because what was the point? Holly was lost to her, just like everything else.
Gail was sat alone, slouched across the bar on the edge of the restaurant at her hotel. The place was pretty much empty, the lights dimmed and the air con at a level that was helping to make California that little more bearable. Or tolerable, but only just.
She pushed her glass across the polished wooden bar. "Another," she mumbled, her eyes not leaving the mahogany surface as her head lolled heavily in her palm, her elbow stumbling slightly against the grain.
The bartender eyed her but granted her request anyway, mentally adding another Jack and coke to her tally.
She knew it probably wasn't a good idea to drown her sorrows in drink, that was the old Gail, right? Not the new Gail, but there wasn't much use for new Gail anymore, really, was there? The purpose of new Gail was to win Holly over. New Gail was to be a good mum to Sophie.
Gail had neither though, so what was the point?
She knew tomorrow she would feel it, but then she'd probably spend all day in bed going over it in her head. Over and over it, tormenting herself. Thinking about ways she could have done things better. She couldn't have done anything better today, though. Holly would've still had a girlfriend. She would still have Zoe, there was nothing Gail could do about that and let's be honest, Zoe seemed great. She was good looking, all smiley and probably did something in forensics. She was probably a doctor, wasn't she? She was probably just as smart as Holly was and Gail could just imagine them, having conversations with big words over dinner as they gazed lovingly into each other's eyes. Gail was just a blue collar. She was never on Holly's level. Would never be on her level. It was probably for the best.
Holly probably mentioned her once or twice in polite conversation, like when they talked about each other's ex's and Holly probably said something along the lines of Gail was nice, but just a cop. Not really intelligent enough. Nowhere near as educated. Plus she was an inescapable, stubborn idiot with no grasp on the intricacies of serious dating.
Gail wouldn't have blamed her, either. She would've been right, after all. Gail grabbed her drink and knocked part of it back, swallowing it down with a loud gasp.
Holly deserved better. Much better.
Her mind wandered to what Holly might be doing tonight. Where she was going, what that thing was Zoe brought for her to take. Maybe it was a party. One where they'd be dancing. One where they'd be kissing. Gail forced her eyes closed to try and rid herself of the images as she finished the rest of her drink, banging the base of the glass down on the bar. It rang out and the bartender couldn't help but take notice.
Gail scoffed. She felt angry. Done with the self-pity now and on to the outrage. What the hell was she supposed to do? She had an open return plane ticket but she brought a lot of stuff with her. She had intended on staying, intended on romancing Holly and getting her back. "Well that's out the window," she slurred, and then she laughed. Laughed at herself and laughed at her predicament. Laughed at everything she had been through and all the people she had lost. It was bitter and she felt it inside, as big and as consuming as anything she had ever felt. She just had absolutely no idea what the hell she was supposed to do now. It all seemed rather pointless.
"Are you okay?" the bartender asked, walking over to her with a bar towel flung casually over his shoulder. He had the concerned look of a man who was used to dealing with drunk people, drunk people just like her.
Gail cut her eyes at him. "I'm fine," she snapped, her body too lazy to shift its position.
Suddenly the duke-box flared up and a familiar song floated over to her. Her body stiffened and it was enough to make her glare over her shoulder at the skinny guy hanging onto his bottle of beer, dragging his heels as he headed back to his table.
"Hey!" she shouted and it caught his attention. "Are you kidding me?" she spat but the guy didn't care. He just shrugged and carried on walking.
Gail rolled her eyes and turned back to the bar sighing as vocally as she could. She certainly wasn't in the mood for anything by Passenger, least of all Let Her Go. The bartender was still looking at her so she pointed at her empty glass as she tried to block out the opening words to the song. "Another."
He raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms over his chest. "Maybe you've had enough," he offered and Gail hated the fact she was away from home. Hated the fact she was away from her usual bar, and her usual bartender.
Her look was tenacious. Unfaltering and her expression barely flinched. "I have a firearm," she said slowly, nodding to the glass again. "Fill it up."
He looked at her dangerously before Gail rolled her eyes.
"Okay I probably shouldn't say that when I'm not in my jurisdiction." She thought about it. "Or when I'm in another country." She looked at him again and tried to soften her expression. "Okay so I don't have my firearm with me, you don't have to be scared."
He smirked at that.
"It's in Toronto," she finished.
He still didn't seem convinced though and so she relaxed her shoulders and lowered her chin.
Gail sighed. "C'mon buddy. I just got my heart broken by the same woman for the fourth time." She reached over and nudged her glass a little with her index finger. "Jack's all I got."
His attention seemed to shift to someone behind her.
"Is that true?"
Gail's eyes fell closed as she felt the voice storm through her. There was something in it, something like torment and Gail recognised it immediately. It sobered her up in half a second and she turned, the tiny hairs on the back of her neck standing on end as the feeling erupted along her spine.
Her eyes opened and she saw Holly standing about six feet from her, wrapped all snug in a jacket with her arms hugging her sides. Her face looked troubled and her hair was disheveled, something like if she'd run her hands through it a million times.
Gail's throat hurt but she asked all the same, her eyes all shiny with her own indignant thoughts. "Which part?"
Holly just looked at her feet as her arms hugged her sides tighter. She kicked her toe into the concrete and felt her teeth bite into her lip. As soon as Gail left earlier she had made the decision to come, to find her at her hotel and she honestly didn't want to analyse it too much. She just needed to, and that was that.
She sat all through dinner with Zoe and their friends, sat through the pretence of the jovial gathering for Zoe's best friend's birthday all the while thinking about Gail, and thinking about her eyes just before she turned and left. As much as she tried to talk herself out of it, telling herself it likely wasn't a good idea she knew she would come all the same. It was just a matter of when she would tell Zoe she was leaving, and what excuse she could come up with to leave without suspicion.
Then came the drive over. The thoughts rifling through her head. The notion of whether or not Gail would still be at her hotel, whether she would've left already or the fact that she might be in any number of places, rather than just sitting at her hotel.
Also Holly didn't know what she would say but she knew she had to see her. She knew she couldn't just let her go, not after Gail had come all this way. Obviously Gail was here for a reason and Holly wanted to hear it. She needed to.
Eventually Gail spoke again. "Why are you here?" she asked, still keeping her position on the bar stool, her one forearm resting on the bar and the other in her lap.
Holly just shrugged. "I couldn't let you leave without seeing you," she started once she'd found her voice. "Without talking to you properly."
Gail nodded, a look of resignation on her face. "Didn't you have a thing tonight?"
"Yes," Holly sighed, taking a few steps toward the bar as her hands found her jacket pockets. She looked away. "I left," she shook her head. "I wasn't sure when you would be leaving."
Gail smirked, her shoulders shrugging a little. "You and me both."
Holly acknowledged it but chose not to pursue the subject further. It wasn't anything to do with her really, when Gail was going. She wasn't sure if she wanted to know, the pressing subject was why she was there in the first place.
Holly swallowed and tried to clear her head as Gail turned away and rested both of her arms on the bar. It made Holly come over to her and take a seat on the stool next to her, sure that she caught the smallest of smiles touch Gail's lips. Holly grinned a little in return in that lop-sided way she knew Gail liked so much.
"How are you?" Holly asked quietly. She sat sideways on her stool so she was facing Gail, her body language now open and ready for the impending conversation.
Gail shrugged but turned her head, smiling at Holly fondly when she noticed her grin. She shook her head, though, nevertheless. "I've been better," she said honestly. "You?"
Holly shrugged too. "I'm managing."
Just then Zoe popped into Gail's head, her lips kissing Holly's cheek and she turned away again. "Yeah you seem like it."
Holly frowned a little bit, knowing exactly what she was referring to but she let it go. She just couldn't believe Gail was really there, it was still sinking in. She cast her eyes over her, her short blonde hair like when she first cut it, all choppy and sticking up a little at the back. Her first thought was to run her hands through it but she didn't, of course. She reprimanded herself, for that. She looked absolutely amazing in her blue skinny jeans and form fitting leather jacket, although her eyes seemed sad. A certain look of longing prominent whenever Gail looked at her. "I've missed you so much," Holly said before she could stop it. She didn't really want to admit it but it was the truth. "You've no idea."
Gail didn't move her head, her fingers playing together on the bar in front of her. "Oh really?"
Holly raised a brow as if that was the most stupid thing Gail could ever say. "Yeah."
Gail turned to her this time and she looked at her like she didn't believe her. Her eyes dropped to Holly's fingers that were running all over each other anxiously in her lap and then she glanced back up at her, challenging her, a little.
Gail still felt angry, and jealous of course. That this Zoe person had thwarted her plan. So unbelievably jealous although she had no right to and worst of all she knew it.
Zoe's affectionate fingers ghosted across Holly's forearm again in her mind and her eyes clenched shut. She lost it, or rather her mind did. Why was it so easy for Holly to move on? To find someone else when she couldn't even bring herself to talk to anyone new because every inch of her craved Holly.
Gail swallowed painfully. "You have a girlfriend."
Holly looked down. "Yes."
There was silence, for a few moments before Holly changed the subject.
"How's Sophie?"
Another rip right in Gail's chest. She didn't want to think about it but she knew Holly would ask. She was prepared for it, perhaps just not with the amount of fog that was currently clouding her mind.
Luckily the bartender placed another drink down in front of Gail and when she met his eye he smiled at her, before walking away again. Gail was certain she had never felt so grateful in her life. She held the glass between her hands. "She's fine," Gail conceded, as simply as that.
Holly looked around them somehow expecting the girl to appear although she knew that was unlikely. She smiled despite herself, despite the situation. "The adoption was successful?"
Gail had some of her drink. "No," and then her eyes steeled, a little bit. She bowed her head. "It wasn't."
"Oh," Holly said, a little surprised. She thought it was a foregone conclusion, if she was honest. A sadness struck her as she thought of Gail going through that, the heartbreak she must've felt. In those two weeks before she left she began to realise how much Sophie meant to Gail, and how much she truly wanted to take care of her.
Holly's hand reached out and she squeezed Gail's arm. "I'm sorry," she said, and her soft tone seemed to comfort Gail, as little as it was.
Gail leaned toward the touch but was careful not to get lost in it. "Thanks," she breathed, trying not to experience those emotions all over again.
Holly let her hand linger against the material of Gail's jacket, her fingers trailing down the outside of her arm as she retracted it. "Why didn't you call me?" Holly asked, the concern etched into her face.
Gail sort of smiled and looked at her. She shook her head but she had no idea what to say. She didn't know the answer, she just knew it wasn't appropriate, at the time. "What would you have done?"
Holly raised her brow and shrugged. "I don't know. Something. Been there."
Gail shook her head again. "What and interrupt your life here?" She took another drink from her glass. "You've moved on Holly. You wouldn't want me-"
"-Don't tell me what I want," Holly interrupted, a little offended. Of course she would've wanted to help. She loved her, for God's sake. "What I would've wanted."
Gail grinned a little sardonically.
"I would've wanted to help."
Gail looked at her. "You left, Holly. What could you have done from here?"
Holly frowned heavily, "I don't know." She felt frustrated and she had to get up. She moved from her stool and circled it, standing on its other side so it was now between them. She put her hands on her hips and after a moment she gestured to herself. "I still care about you, Gail. I care about you a lot."
Gail scoffed. "I've barely heard from you."
"That doesn't mean-"
"-That doesn't mean what?" Gail was glaring at her now, her eyes icy and her demeanour rigid. She knew she was causing an argument but she didn't really care. It's not like she needed to try and romance Holly, not now. The new girlfriend had put an end to that. So now all there was, was the hurt. The things she wanted answers for. The reasons why Holly hadn't been in touch. Why she had yet another girlfriend.
Holly just stood there and glared back at Gail, the emotion dominant in her eyes. She always hated it when Gail was like this; there was almost no reasoning with her and it was always as if Holly felt it more. Like she was the one more likely to cry because Gail was just too good at holding everything back.
"It doesn't mean you're not still important to me," Holly pushed out as she gestured at the floor with her hands.
Gail screwed her face up. "Am I?"
"Yes! Of course you are, Gail…" and she trailed off, not sure if she could finish the sentence.
Gail saw it though, and she jumped on the end of it. "What?" she asked, her eyes concerned as Holly seemed to become more vulnerable.
Holly pushed out a breath, her chest hurting as she felt herself becoming more exposed as each second passed. She was upset, really upset if Gail didn't already know this. "You're so important to me. Gail, you meant so much to me. You still do."
Gail couldn't believe it. She was off her stool and she gestured in the air around her. "You have a girlfriend. You don't even message me," and then she felt it all at the back of her throat, everything from the past year and it was like she couldn't stop it from coming out. She sighed, long and hard. "I'm the one waking up alone, Holly," and she felt almost immediately that she should stop but she couldn't. The words stumbled out over her lips like she wasn't sure she should be saying them but it was too late. All of it was just too late. "Not you. You have somebody new, just like you had somebody new last time-"
"-That doesn't mean I don't care about you, Gail. That I don't think about you."
"It doesn't?"
"No! Of course n-"
But she didn't wait for Holly to finish. It had all bubbled up and Gail was at breaking point. It spilled out like a knife in a water balloon, complete with a devastating pop. "Cuz I haven't wanted to wake up with anybody since you, with anybody who wasn't you." She looked at the floor between them, the pain registering in Holly's eyes as the implication sunk in. Gail caught it but she still carried on, her tone a little less direct, though. "You seem to move on just fine. You seem to be able too, just fine."
Holly squared her chin and after a moment of silence she spoke. It hurt her that Gail felt that way. Gail was no blip, and she certainly wasn't easy to get over. "That's not true-"
"Oh really?"
"Yes," Holly forced. "Really."
"So how long have you been with her?"
Holly screwed up her face. "What does that matter?"
Gail shrugged. "Because it does." Gail continued, not even registering she might be out of line.
Holly looked at her dangerously. "It's none of your business."
"Because how much can you miss me, when you're so quick to move on to someone else?" Gail didn't really get that, if she was honest. "Like I didn't even exist. Like it was nothing to you."
Holly fumed, the level of upset rattling against her ribs. "It was something to me, Gail. You were something."
"Sure about that?"
"Yes! Gail I chased you, for months. I waited for you. I was there for you, I'd have done anything for you."
Gail just shook her head.
Holly sighed. Not really understanding why they were arguing. She didn't want to be. She didn't want them to part with arguments as the thing they remembered. "I was just trying to get over you."
"Well tell me how you do it," Gail started as she got back on her stool. "'Cuz I'm not over you." Gail threw at her. "Not at all."
"I didn't say I was over you." Holly turned away for a moment and rubbed at her forehead with her fingertips. "You know I wrestled with myself coming here," she said, in a little bit of a state.
"Oh you wrestled with yourself?" Gail sort of mock repeated, immediately regretting it as soon as if left her lips.
"Yes, Gail. I wrestled," Holly said more firmly, wanting to drill it into her but at the same time forgiving her for her tone. She knew what Gail was like by now, plus the drinks obviously weren't helping.
Holly just looked at her for a few seconds before continuing. Gail seemed bashful, a little reserved all of sudden even though her attitude sat up to attention. It was the kind of thing she did when she was on the defensive but Holly knew she was likely crumbling inside.
"You've been this force in my life. You come into it, and then you leave. With nothing but devastation in your wake."
Gail kind of snorted, her emotions jumping to her eyes and so she had to close them to keep it under control. She smiled as well, because it was the complete opposite to what she was feeling. Gail didn't think she would smile again, not anytime soon and not in any other way than sarcasm. Bitter, sweet sarcasm. "Sounds about right," she said with a mumble.
Holly stood quietly, wanting something more from Gail but not altogether sure if she would get it. She seemed closed. More so than she ever was with her before. Holly swallowed. "Is that what you're doing this time?" she asked. "Are you just going to leave again?"
Gail opened her eyes realising she hadn't mentioned anything about her initial intentions. That the whole reason she was there was for Holly even though it should be obvious, but now she didn't even want to admit it. She carried on looking forwards. "You left, Holly. You took a job here."
"I know," she looked to the floor.
"You couldn't expect me to just-"
"-I know," Holly again repeated. "But I had no idea about Sophie, and this job had been on the cards for a while."
Gail frowned, trying to understand. "So you just dragged me into an interrogation room and expected me to follow you?"
"No." Holly tucked her hair behind her ears. "It's why I didn't give in to you after what you said in the corridor at 15."
Gail looked a bit confused.
"When I returned your thumb."
Gail nodded, remembering.
"I wanted to," Holly sighed. "I wanted to tell you so many things." She shook her head and licked her lips. "I wanted you, Gail. I've always wanted you."
Gail looked at her then so it was Holly's turn to look away.
"But it was already in the works. I thought we were over. I thought you weren't interested so I didn't say no to it, not when it was first suggested. It's a fantastic opportunity but then when you came to the lab..." she trailed off. "Well I didn't think it was fair, to confess things to you and then have to leave."
"But you came to me. At 15-"
"-I know."
"You kissed me." It shot through her as she remembered the kiss and for a moment Gail's eyes fell to Holly's lips.
"I know." Holly sighed. Her hands on her hips. In her hair, tracing patterns in the uneasy atmosphere. "I couldn't forget about what you said. I tried. God knows I tried, but I couldn't."
"So then you decided to drag me into an interrogation room?"
Holly smiled. "Well it's my style, right?"
It didn't even earn a tight lipped smile.
Holly shook her head. "I don't know I was going to try and sell it to you. Try and make you come with me," she shrugged. "I don't know, but then you told me about Sophie and it was pointless."
"It was?"
"I wasn't about to make you choose, Gail. Her or me," she shook her head vigorously. "No way, and I couldn't not come here."
Gail just nodded, not sure if she was feeling better now they were having the conversation. "I didn't want you to go," she said quietly and it visibly melted Holly.
Holly's shoulders flopped and her head tilted to the side, just as it did earlier at work. She grinned, a little. "Honestly neither did I."
Gail's eyes suddenly looked hopeful, like it was just what she wanted to hear.
Holly rubbed at her neck. "I've never had that before. Where my feelings for someone affected a decision I had to make for work."
Gail smiled sadly at her. "Almost affected."
Holly felt so consumed by sadness she didn't know what to do. She felt sad for how they got to this point, that they were even having to say these words to each other. "You didn't ask me to stay."
"You just said you couldn't not come."
Holly looked away. "And what about you?"
Gail had no idea what that meant. "What about me?"
Holly licked her lips and couldn't quite think of how to articulate this next part. It was something she couldn't help but think though, as much as she thought Gail might hate her for voicing it. She met Gail's eyes. "Would you even be here, if you had adopted Sophie? Would I be so important, then?"
Gail felt bitter, immediately bitter and the smile overtook her face. She looked to the ceiling and then got off her stool and for a moment Holly thought she was going to walk out. She took a step back in preparation to stop her however Gail stopped a few feet from Holly, the look in her eye deathly serious.
"You know what, Holly?" she asked, an explosion in her chest about to go off. Fuck it, she thought. What did she have to lose? "If I had I probably wouldn't be standing here, you're right. I'd be at home, with her but it doesn't mean I wouldn't be wishing every single second that you were still a part of my life."
Holly took half a step back, not expecting that admission in the least.
"That you weren't still my girlfriend. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't regret walking away from you that time in The Penny with your friends. That I wish I had returned just one of your phone calls, or replied to one of your text messages. That every second of every day I wish I could just pick you up from work and have you tell me about your day the way you used to, with your millions of nerdy words."
Gail paused as she looked at the ceiling once more, the tears stacking up in her eyes. "You know me, Holly. Better than anyone. You get me and it was so easy with you," and then she frowned, wiping at her eye a little. "Well, not like that but you got to know me and you liked me and I absolutely fell for you." Her voice cracked with the last part but she carried on regardless. "The idea of starting over with someone else kills me because I just don't want to. I miss you, I want you, and I would do anything-"
Holly couldn't listen anymore and she stepped forwards and kissed her. She moved into Gail's personal space and grabbed at the sides of her face, drawing their lips together in a slow and aching kiss and when she felt Gail sink into her, her hands finding out her waist and sneaking around to her back she felt like she had suddenly rediscovered everything she had once lost. Everything she had once walked away from resulting in her making the biggest mistake of her life.
Holly knew Gail was the one for her and so she kissed her like she was reaffirming it, like every single inch of her was trying to say the same things back to Gail that she had just said to her. Holly felt a shockwave move through her, the momentum of her stride to Gail still moving and she forced Gail back a little, her insides absolutely going crazy as she felt Gail gripping her back. Her fingers were like magic and although Holly could only feel them through her clothes, the touch lit her skin up nonetheless. All the times she had thought about experiencing this again and now that it was here she couldn't quite process it. She was tingling all over and Holly never wanted it to stop.
After a moment the kiss deepened, their tongues suddenly battling against each other as if now that the floodgate was open, neither ever wanted it closed again. It was like fireworks, like everything was bleached to white and both got lost in a frantic tangle of recollection, of what each other's fingers felt like and exactly, what each other tasted like.
Gail felt dizzy, so absolutely awash with a thousand emotions she couldn't quite comprehend it but she didn't care. Her body tingled so much she thought she might combust and when Holly flicked her tongue against hers it was like she was instantly on fire. Her skin prickled and something shot up her spine like lightening and all she could do was moan adoringly into Holly's mouth, wantonly, as if she was the only thing she would ever need from here on out.
Gail felt her knees go weak but luckily Holly was holding her up so it didn't matter, all Gail cared about was that Holly was kissing her. Holly wanted her, and as her hands were fervidly grasping at her shoulders like they were pawing at her to make sure she was real, Gail knew she wanted her too. That maybe Holly needed her this much too.
Holly kissed her harder, one hand moving up the back of her neck and into her hair, the other grabbing possessively at her shoulders and digging into the clothes at her skin. Gail's body against hers just felt amazing and her heart was so thick with longing each thud was like a severe reminder of what she once had and what she wanted once more. Her body was so familiar and the only thing Holly could ever remember craving this badly, and when Gail moaned into her mouth Holly thought she might die.
Holly slowly pulled back for air and she rested her forehead against Gail's, their breaths interlinking as they both breathed in deeply. Holly's eyes were tightly closed and she bit on her bottom lip, the desire fresh and like kindling within her gut. It sizzled there, slow and tormenting, pulling her in deeply but she had to keep a clear head as ridiculous as that seemed. Her mind felt fuzzy, her hands now lazy across the back of Gail's neck, her palms sliding gently along her shoulders.
Gail was drowning. She was sure she was and she would do it again. Over and over because it was all she wanted. Holly was all she wanted.
Gail's eyes were closed too. "I want you," she breathed.
Holly just nodded, swallowing thickly. "I know," she said, and then her eyes opened. "I want you too."
Gail backed off a little, perhaps for the first time remembering where they were but she was in luck. Duke-box guy was asleep at his table and the barman wasn't anywhere to be seen, the rest of the bar completely empty.
Holly's eyes were several shades darker and Gail was certain she could feel her heart beating through her chest. She wanted to invite Holly up to her room but something was stopping her. An important something that very clearly had vacated Holly's thought process.
Gail's fingers were playing against Holly's hips. She suddenly felt nervous. "What about Zoe?" she asked, the name getting stuck in her throat.
Holly stepped off a little, but didn't lose body contact altogether. She frowned and something ghosted over her face. Regret? Holly thought for a moment before she spoke. "Zoe knows who you are."
Gail couldn't quite understand. She frowned. "What?"
Holly stepped away this time. "At the party, she asked me. So I told her."
Gail didn't quite believe it. As if Holly would do that and she was suddenly curious about the conversation. What exactly Holly had told her? "What did you say?"
Holly looked around the bar and clasped her hands together in front of her. "I told her you were the girl I left behind in Toronto. My ex, and that we broke up because I moved here."
Gail sort of made an "Oh," sound but it didn't really come out. What did that mean? Holly's expression was mixed and Gail couldn't figure out what she was thinking. There was a whole load of something else behind Holly's eyes though and she was doing an excellent job of not looking directly at Gail.
Finally Holly's hands found her pockets. She was fidgeting a bit, too. She hoped coming here would lead to this, and she hoped the reason Gail was in San Francisco was for her. That's why she'd told Zoe what she did.
Gail just shook her head, all poised to say something but Holly spoke before she could structure a sentence. Holly suddenly looked desperate and Gail honestly didn't think she could cope if Holly was going to go back to her. Back to Zoe and her body actually trembled with the fear of that being their last ever kiss.
"She knew I wasn't over someone, and I guess she picked up on it being you."
Gail swallowed and it was like time was standing still. She couldn't stand it so she lowered her gaze to the floor and her frame somehow became smaller. "Well, what did she say?"
Holly just shrugged. "She asked me if I still loved you."
Gail's head darted up and it was almost like she couldn't believe it. Her eyes found Holly's and they were warm and inviting and her lips were curling into that stupid half-smile that Gail found so endearing. Her voice was completely scratchy as she spoke, her eyes suddenly filled with moisture. "Do you?"
Then Holly's head was nodding and her grin was the biggest Gail could ever remember seeing it. "Yeah," she breathed, the word spoken as simply as that. "And I want you back too."
Gail was consumed with such overpowering emotion it raised up within her and the feeling that gripped at her chest was almost euphoric. In that instant she felt so happy, so deliriously contented she didn't quite know how to express it so all she could do was let it radiate in her expression. Her eyes lit up and her frown faded. Her grin just as big as Holly's as she looked at her and saw the love right there staring back at her in return.
Gail's arms reached forward and as Holly stepped into her, her head burying itself into the crook of Holly's neck and as her hands physically balled in the material of her jacket she made a promise to herself she would never let this woman go again.
Gail told herself she would be better. That she wouldn't let her fears get the better of her and she'd never show Holly the cold shoulder ever again. She'd communicate better, she'd show her how much she loved her in every one of her actions, each of her gestures, and every time that she kissed her.
Holly breathed her in and gently lifted Gail's head up, holding her face gently with her fingers and thumb. She kissed her lips as her thumb traced her jaw, nibbling at her bottom lip before she met the subtle haziness in her eyes.
Gail felt the desire stir again and she swallowed heavily, her hands teasing just under the hem of Holly's top. "Do you maybe uhm, want to come see my room?" she asked, her voice suddenly husky, the smile on her lips a little wicked.
All Holly could do was nod so Gail lead her out of the bar and toward their happy ever after. Starting with the master suite.