I've been feeling guilty. I wrote a story and posted it here a long time ago. It was called "Resultant Despair." Lee was poisoned by an unknown assailant. (OK, it was Boomer.) In the story, we never caught the culprit and it seems Lee didn't completely recover, but Adama chose to keep that information to himself. It screamed for a sequel.

It scared me to write one as response to RD had been overwhelming, but I did. It was posted at my own website. It occurs to me though, that since many of the readers at FF were so kind and generous, I should share it here as well.

So, please, if you will, enjoy "Growing Despair". As usual, I don't own them, but I like to play. I also am not a professional and don't care to be one. Please forgive the mistakes you find. Perhaps it goes without saying, but it's AU.

Thanks!

Growing Despair

By Apollo's Lady

Lee could feel his father's eyes bearing down on him as always. At first he tried to pretend it wasn't happening. He was imagining it. When that failed to work, he simply ignored it. It had been months now and he knew he was going to have to confront the man sooner or later, but it wouldn't be today. Today was the beginning of fleet inspections. Joy!

Lee hadn't really been out in the fleet much since the initial attack. Then, he had spent hours inspecting ships and meeting with captains to detail their needs and complaints. At that time, he would have never guessed so long would pass. He had naively assumed they'd somehow defeat the Cylons and resettle somewhere. They hadn't. The human race was confined to various ships of differing sizes and shapes that supported their attempts to stay alive to varying degrees of success. Today he was about to start inspecting them all.

"You look thrilled." William Adama smirked at his son as he settled in at his side. He loved Lee there. He'd often wished he could station Saul elsewhere, so Lee was always at his side. He knew he could keep his son safe then. There'd been too many close calls and near misses for Bill's heart. He wondered what his wife would think of this change in him. She used to accuse him of completely forgetting the existence of his family when he stepped foot on a ship. She used to be right.

Lee's face pinched ever so slightly as he struggled to sound professional. "It's important that we keep the fleet in as good of shape as possible."

Adama laughed. "Yep, so you get to go listen to all the captains complain about their engines and their lack of supplies."

Saul Tigh, some time drunk, ever-present second in command of the Galactica sauntered up to them. "Isn't this a waste of the CAG's time? Shouldn't the President be listening to all this whining?"

Adama sobered, sensing the equally ever-present rise in tension that occurred when Lee and Saul were in the same room, even when Tigh seemed to be defending Lee.

Lee attempted to clarify without the edge to his voice that was normally present when dealing with his XO. He always felt like he was battling Tigh, whether they were or not. It had been that way since Kara had gone missing and they'd nearly come to blows over her rescue. "The President is coming with the Chief and I…"

"All aspects of the fleet will be represented in order to provide a uniform effort." Adama concluded. He was in no mood for either of these two men to say the wrong word.

He turned to Lee. "Be careful out there."

Lee groaned and lowered his voice so only his father could hear. "We're going to have a talk about this SOON. It's been more than six months dad. I'm fine."

Adama sputtered slightly and pinched his lips in guilt. "I…"

Lee shook his head, waving his father off. "I said when we get back." He laughed. "Stop worrying so much. I can take care of myself. It doesn't look good to have the Admiral hovering over his CAG. What will the men in my command think?"

Lee's blue eyes twinkled at the teasing reprimand, and Adama relaxed. "Good Hunting, son."

Lee raised an eyebrow at the expression, but opted not to argue further. "I'll see you in a few days."

BSG

It had only been two days, but it felt to Lee like thirty. He grabbed the file in the front of the box on the floor and straightened his uniform before stepping down the raptor's ramp. As had become their ritual, Roslin made the necessary introductions, polite small talk was made for a few minutes and then all went about their assigned tasks.

Later, a young man, who seemed very nervous, was showing Lee to his quarters. They were spending the night on board as a sign of good will. Lee hardly understood how it was a good thing to put out already cramped ships by asking them to come up with beds for more. Lee could take it no more of the manboy's fidgeting. "Is there something wrong? Is there anything you need to tell me?"

The man blushed profusely. "No, it's nothing. I'm just… Well, you're…" he choked on his words and shook his head. "Ignore me."

Lee stopped. "What is it?"

The man looked up into Lee's eyes and radiated pure admiration. "You're Apollo. Lee frakin' Adama." He gasped at his curse. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

Lee was certain the blush on his face would have passed for an alert warning on Galactica. He had no idea what to say. "I'm…"

The young man suddenly found his courage. "I'm just honored to meet you, sir. I mean you're the reason we're all still alive."

Lee felt like his head was going to explode. "I'm not. Our survival is a huge effort. Everyone plays a role."

The man nodded. "I knew it. I'd heard you were modest like that."

Lee groaned, completely perplexed as to how to get out of the situation. He prayed to the gods he didn't really believe in they'd reach his quarters soon.

The man walked a few steps further and paused at a doorway. "It's a shame. A man like you should have his own quarters on board. You shouldn't have to share."

Lee steadied his tone. "I bunk with the other officers on Galactica. Why should it be any different here?"

The man was obviously stunned. "You do?"

Lee laughed. "I eat in the mess with everyone else too."

Stun was replaced by shock. "But… Well certainly the food is better."

Lee shook his head. "We get the same food as you do."

The man paled. "Don't you get extra fruits or vegetables?"

Lee thought a moment and pulled his ration card from his pocket and showed it to the man. "I believe it's the same as yours?"

"Frak me! That just ain't right."

Lee assumed a more command tenor. "I do try and make sure my pilots have the best we can offer them. They do an amazing job. They put their lives on the line daily to protect us, but they don't deserve more than anyone else." It was obvious to Lee he'd impressed the man.

"Wow. That's awesome." He stiffened his back and offered Lee a snappy salute. "Rest well, sir."

"Likewise." Lee added as he pulled on the door.

"Oh not me. I've got the night watch. I'm just coming on duty."

Lee wished him a pleasant shift and slipped into the small room. Tyrol was dozing on the lower bunk. Lee tried to close the door quietly, but Tyrol sat up quickly. "Sorry, sir. I must have dozed off. It's been a long day. My men could spend a month on this ship alone."

Lee shook him off. "No worries, Chief. I'm just glad there's only one day left. I don't think I could take much more of this. Give me nine hours of patrol any day."

Tyrol chuckled and moved to stand. He bent back over to straighten the sheet.

"Going back out?" Lee asked.

"No, I didn't mean to take your bed."

Lee smiled. "Why is it my bed? I can take the upper bunk just as easily. It doesn't make a difference."

The Chief looked confused. "Um, sir. That wouldn't be appropriate."

Now it was Lee's turn to be confused. He strengthened his position by hitching himself up and sat on the edge of the upper bunk. "Why isn't it appropriate?"

"I was taught that officer's should always get the lower bunk."

Lee burst into laughter, falling onto his side. "By whom?"

The chief clammed up immediately, knowing he'd been part of a joke all those long years ago. "Never mind, sir."

Lee spit out a few more chuckles. "Just tell me it wasn't Starbuck."

Tyrol smiled and shook his head. "No, sir. Not Lieutenant Thrace."

Lee settled back on the thin pillow and beat it a few times for shape. "Good. I'd hate to have to deal with that one." A few additional bits of laughter escaped his lips. In a sleepy voice, he added. "I like the top bunk. I always got it when my brother and I were little at my grandparents. I told Zak I had to have the top, because if the bed broke, he was expendable." Lee suddenly sobered at what had once been a silly, childhood prank, now memory. A chill passed down as his spine as he reassured himself that his brother had not died believing he was expendable.

BSG

Lee stubbed his toe on the corner of the bed and bit his tongue to keep from crying out. It was late into the night watch and he'd found himself wandering the halls of the Emerald Drifter. He'd 'woken' on the deck. As it wasn't a battlestar, there was no activity at the time, so his pride remained intact. He recalled his mother telling him he'd sleep walked on a few rare occasions as a child. They were normally times of great stress. As he walked back to his room, he wondered what the stress might be. He certainly wasn't any more stressed out than he'd been since the attacks. He hadn't walked in his sleep when the Cylons were coming every 33 minutes. Of course, he also hadn't slept then. He hadn't done it after the poisoning either.

That damn poisoning, he knew it was why his father now hovered. His father was worried the Cylons would again use him to control the now Admiral. He'd never let it happen. He would never admit it to his father, but he was exceptionally cautious since then. They'd never actually caught the perpetrator. Lee's attacker still roamed free to try again.

Lee resettled himself into his bunk and closed his eyes. The sleepwalking nagged at him. The CAG couldn't sleep walk. The military wouldn't accept sleepwalkers. It was too big a risk on a battlestar.

"Everything alright, sir?" Tyrol groggily called up to him.

"Yeah, I just needed a walk. I couldn't sleep. Sorry to bother you." Lee curled onto his side and wished the rest of the night away.

BSG

The Emerald Drifter was a large ship, but even her impressive girth couldn't stop her from trembling when the sound of explosion ripped through her corridors.

Lee had to grasp the bedrail to keep from falling out of bed, but the Chief hit the floor with a painful thud. "What was that?"

Lee was already jumping down. "I don't know, but we better go find out." He pulled his boots on and stopped long enough to check on the Chief. "You ok?"

Tyrol nodded, finishing his own boots. "Sounds like it came from the deck."

Lee stared at him perplexed. "How can you tell?"

Tyrol merely grinned. "It's my job."

Lee ushered the chief out the door, and continued his questioning. "I could see it on Galactica, but this is a strange ship."

Tyrol's grin grew even wider. "No ship is strange to me, Captain."

Lee laughed, but grew more serious as the corridors filled with more and more people rushing to check out the situation. The military men were caught up in a crowd of people who were being ushered away from the scene. Lee grabbed Tyrol's arm and pulled them through. He was about to be pushed back by security, when the officer finally looked at who was arguing with him. "Sorry, sir."

Lee ignored him and they moved forward. He strode up to the Captain of the ship who was shouting directions. "SitRep!" Lee demanded letting all know he was assuming control of the situation.

The captain stared at him confused. "Huh?"

Tyrol didn't wait for orders. He slipped by the two men and went to examine the situation more closely for himself.

Lee rolled his eyes, wondering about the quality of captains the fleet was dealing with. He had always assumed most civilian captains were former military. He was obviously wrong. "What happened?"

The captain glared at him. "The shuttle next to your ship blew up." Before Lee could question further, he added. "It took your raptor with it and three of my crew."

The President had slipped silently into the group. "I'm sorry for your losses, Captain Reakle. Do we have any idea how it happened?"

Lee wasn't surprised to see her present. Laura Roslin wasn't one to shy away from any situation. He also wasn't surprised to see her pulled together. He hadn't stopped to consider what he looked like, but he wore his hair short for a reason. Roslin either hadn't been sleeping or politicians knew how to magically transform their appearance.

Reakle's shoulders slumped in defeat. "This ship has enough problems without losing half our deck. I have no idea why a shuttle suddenly explodes. We don't have people stationed here round the clock. The place should have been empty."

Roslin nodded. "Thank heavens it didn't happen on the day watch or who knows how much worse the casualties would have been."

Lee scanned the area. "Madame President, may I suggest you depart the area?"

She raised an eyebrow in his direction. She didn't need words.

He coughed. "There's no reason for a shuttle to suddenly explode. It hadn't been used in hours, so the engines were cold. I suspect we're going to find a bomb in the wreckage."

Reakle concurred. "What's the point of blowing up my shuttle?"

Lee looked at the heavily damaged raptor. "Maybe it was faulty and went off early. Maybe it was supposed to take out the raptor in the morning."

Roslin paled ever so slightly. "Taking us with it," suddenly she couldn't take her eyes off the smoldering remains.

Lee summoned a security guard with a wave of his hand. "Escort the President back to her quarters and double the guard around her." She looked as if she was about to argue, but she saw the resolve in Lee's eyes and decided to concede. He read her thoughts. "I'll come down with a report just as soon as we know more."

When the president had departed, medics rolled a gurney past the two captains. Reakle stopped it and pulled back the drape. "Damn. Just a gods damned kid." He shook his hand in disgust. "Isn't it enough to run for our lives from the Cylons?"

He looked to Lee for comfort that wasn't to be found. Lee was stunned to be looking into what remained of the face from the prior night. There, before him was the young man who had idolized him. His heart constricted at the loss. He didn't even know the kid's name. He knew only that optimism like his had been sorely needed. Lee felt ashamed of himself. He was so caught up in his thoughts, he hadn't heard Reakle's question. "Huh?"

"How did you know the shuttle hadn't been out?"

Lee looked confused for a moment and then his earlier statement came back to him. "I was down here earlier."

The civilian captain's eyes narrowed. "You were on the deck?"

Lee's brain immediately snapped to Reakle's thoughts. "I couldn't sleep, so I came down to the deck. It's very common for pilots." He didn't add he didn't remember getting to the deck in the first place. He knew it wouldn't look good and the last thing the fleet needed was for the civilian fleet to mistrust the military more than it already did.

Reakle didn't seem convinced. "And you saw nothing?"

Lee glared at him. "Captain Reakle, what possible reason could I have for blowing up a shuttle?"

The older man sputtered. "I didn't mean to…"

Lee eyed him coldly. "Please contact Galactica and let them know what's happened. They'll need to send another raptor for us. If there is an assassin on board, I'd like to get the president back to Colonial One as soon as possible."

Reakle nodded and hurried off.

The chief approached his captain. He displayed a stunned look on his face. "I know the civies don't trust the military, but did he just…"

He stopped at a wave of Lee's hand. "Got anything?"

Tyrol dropped several small burnt pieces into Lee's hand. "Bomb fragments." He waited while Lee inspected them.

"There's not much left to go on."

"No, Sir. There isn't. I'd suggest sending Galactica's forensic crew over, but I don't think there's much to find."

Lee agreed and then groaned. The chief raised an eyebrow in concern. Lee grimaced shaking his head at how inappropriate his thoughts were. "I don't suppose the files from the past two days of inspections survived."

The chief understood and instantly his face matched. "No, sir."

Several hours later, a raptor landed in an undamaged area of the deck and the hatch slid down. Kara stood grinning in the hatchway. "Need a ride?"

Lee scowled. Tyrol and the President didn't seem to find Kara Thrace's attitude annoying, but Lee knew it was going to be a long flight back.

Kara stepped down as the president bid farewell to Reakle, promising him a full investigation. "Lee, it's bad enough you break your own ship… Now ya gotta ruin other people's toys?"

Lee had had it with accusations about his involvement. "I wasn't anywhere near here."

Kara laughed. "You were on board. Good luck just follows you every where."

Lee's scowl deepened and he stepped around Kara to enter the raptor. He strapped himself into the pilot's seat. He quickly felt Kara's breath on his neck.

"That's my seat. I flew her over. I fly her home."

Lee growled. "I don't think so Lieutenant."

She smirked. "Pulling rank are we?" She slipped into the vacant chair next to his and pushed several buttons to annoy him.

He slapped her hand away and righted the switches. "Grow up!"

Kara figured she knew what was bugging him. Her voice dropped low and became very serious. "It's been months Lee. This isn't related."

Lee stared at her, not knowing whether to be relieved or furious. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Their conversation ended as the president stepped on board with Tyrol closing the hatch behind them. "Thanks for the ride, Lieutenant."

Kara beamed. "You're welcome. I volunteered."

Lee tried to lighten his mood. "She just did it to get out of morning briefings."

Kara looked at him with mock shock. "Captain Adama. Really!"

Tyrol laughed. "Captain, they don't complain about your briefings nearly as much as when Colonel Tigh subs in for you."

Lee shook his head and concentrated on the flight. He needed some peace and quiet to stabilize his internal jitters. What good was a CAG who was terrified of what was around the next corner?