The Lovecraftian Monster Convention

Just a one-shot. All the monsters from, or based on, Lovecraft and his Cthulhu Mythos have a convention.

This is for Arthur Delapore, because he asked so nicely. ;)

"Order, please!" Harley Warren cried.

"Why?" I replied.

He sighed. "Be quiet, Wilbur. Please."

I nawdded. "Sorry, Warren."

"Thank you. Every'un! I naow cawll tew order the 1st annual meetin' o' the Lovecraftian Monsters Society!"

O' caourse, severawl people instantly gawt angry et the name.

Warren sighed. "Well, why dun't yew be speakers, then?"

They quieted daown.

He added, "I dun't give a rat's arse what yew cawll et, but I have ter cawll et suthin, naow dun't I?"

My braother laughed, as did the D&D monsters and a mi-go ur two.

"Here, here!" Randolph Carter said, grinnin'. Warren is good friends with Carter.

Richard Pickman, who was sittin' next tew me, muttered suthin abaout feedin' Warren ter the other ghaouls, but I'm pretty sure thet he was kiddin'.

"Aour guest speaker tewday es Henry Wentworth Akeley," Warren went awn. "Henry?"

A man who had been standin' behind him nawdded an' stood up.

"H-hello," he began. "My name es Henry Akeley, es I'm sure yew knaow–he jest said sew, didn't he?"

We grinned.

He looked heartened. "I'm sorry, but I've been aout o' my skull fer a while, an' I'm nawt yet used ter awl this attention."

I tuned et aout–I'd met Henry befer–he'd been in a brain canister fer the mi-go, an' they had introduced 'im ter every'un they thaought o' as important. I have naw idea why they thaought o' mer as important, but they did, so I had met Henry.

"Stammering little fool," Pickman whispered tew me.

I grinned. "I'd naoticed."

After Henry's speech ended, some'un ur other put together a buffet.

An' trust me, some o' thet stuff was bizarre.

"What is this?" a confused-looking man asked.

"Looks like caow brains," Pickman replied nastily. "An' haow did yew get en here? Yer humawn, after awl, an' yew dun't look like a saorcerer. Yew aren't even fraom New England!"

"I'm not, no," he said nervously. "I'm part of the Safety and Civil Reassurance Administration. My job is to make sure that everything here is perfectly safe."

I stared et 'im fer a moment. "Ur yew kiddin'?"

He looked rather embarrassed. "No."

I chuckled. "Yer dead, then."

Warren, who had been listenin', nawdded. "Thar ur ghaouls, demawns, an' mad thin's here. An' speakin' o' which–"

A nightgaunt tapped 'im awn the shaoulder.

"Yes?" Warren asked et.

"We're leavin'," et said. "Thar's a party en Leng, we're bringing the mi-gos thar . . ."

"Sure," Warren replied.

Carter grinned. "Kin I come?"

"Sure!" the nightgaunt replied. "We'd be honored, Dream Lord!"

After thet, the meetin' disbursed. The D&D creatures went back tew their games an' the Deep 'Uns were late fer Mass et the Esoteric Order o' Dagon. Pickman, my braother, en I had tew get ter a meetin' en Arkham.

The End 4 Now