AN: I wanted to write a Christmas story but I kind of suck at the bubbly happy stuff so this isn't that. The song Christmas Baby (Please Come Home) originally got the idea ticking. This story takes place around the time of the last episode and is what I like to think Alex and Izzie did. I'd love to know and would really appreciate to know what you think.
"Voices singing lets be jolly deck the halls with boughs of holly."
The incessant ring of Christmas carols blasted in Alex's head, he hated Christmas, he hated the holidays, all the crazy overly happy people, they did his head in. He hated them, he hated their joy, their smiles, the confused looks on their faces when he yelled at them to shut up. Yes he'd yelled at a bunch of volunteer Christmas carollers at the hospital, he told them to shut the hall up, that no one wanted to hear them. His outburst had only earned him a bunch of strange looks, they kept singing.
He hated it, he hated that it reminded him of how miserable he was, lonely. He missed Izzie, as much as he wanted to hate her, and be mad at her, he couldn't shake the fact that he still loved her, that the happiest times in his life had been with her and he wanted that back. He'd told her he couldn't forgive her for what she'd done but the truth was deep down if she showed up asking him to take her back, if she said she wanted to work things out he wouldn't hesitate to say yes.
He missed her and every incessant Christmas carol he heard only impounded that feeling. Izzie loved Christmas, he'd never met anyone more in love with the holiday, with the lights and glitz of the decorations, she went all out and once he got past the shock of it he liked it too. Or he thought he did, but the truth was he never liked Christmas, it wasn't the holiday he liked it was the affect the holiday had on Izzie. He liked the way the Christmas lights would flicker and bounce off her face, he liked how it made her whole face light up, and the little squeal she made when she got excited. He liked the smell of fresh baked cookies because he knew it meant she was home. That's what he liked about Christmas, without her it was just a big pile of depression and he hated it.
He wanted Izzie to come home, more than anything he wanted her to come home, he wanted to talk to her, smell her, hold her, be with her. He didn't want to be alone, not just because it was Christmas Eve but because he just didn't want to be, he didn't want to be alone in Derek's trailer anymore, he wasn't meant to be alone there, he was meant to be there with Izzie. Angry he slammed his hand against the mattress and when that did nothing for him he kicked the wall and then reached for a beer, it was his first for the night but it wouldn't be his last.
***
Sitting at the back of the church Izzie stared at the flickering light of her candle. She focused on the light so she didn't have to see the looks on the faces of the people as they filed out around her. There was a joy and excitement in them, something which she didn't feel at all. It was Christmas Eve and she was completely alone. She'd thought the church could fill the void inside of her, as a teenager the church had been her sanctuary, when there was no one left for her to turn to the small wooden building with its hard wooden seats had been there. She'd confessed her sins, and was offered forgiveness. It had worked for her as a teenager, the only person she needed to forgive was herself, the mess she'd got herself into had been her own doing, but now it wasn't so simple. She didn't need to forgive herself, it wasn't just about her this time, it was about her and Alex. She needed to forgive Alex, and he needed to forgive her, the void inside of her could only be filled by him.
She wanted to be mad at him, she wanted to be angry, she didn't want to forgive him but she couldn't stop thinking about him and being mad was making her tired. She was finally starting to second guess her actions; she was beginning to think maybe running wasn't the right thing to do.
For a moment she closed her eyes and remembered the last conversation she'd had with him, she'd been hostile toward him and he'd been just as hostile back. She remembered the look on his face, he'd been hurt, he was hurting and she'd done that to him. She made him hurt, but it didn't give her the satisfaction she thought it would; it just made her hurt more. She didn't like that she'd hurt him and thinking about it she realised she was still in love with him, she missed him.
It was a cold feeling realising she was wrong, that she had done the wrong thing, that maybe she hadn't lost everything when she'd been fired, she still had Alex. He would have fought for her, he would have stood by her, he hadn't got her fired, she wanted to believe he had, in that instant it had been easy to blame him but now that she had time, stopped to think, he never would have done that, not on purpose. She'd had Alex, but now she wasn't so sure. Slowly tears started to run down her cheeks, the reality of her situation hitting her hard, now she really had lost everything, she had nothing left. She had survived but what was the point.
She blinked her eyes and began focusing on her candle again, on the flickering light and then she felt the weight of someone beside her.
"Isobel what's wrong?" The soft spoken voice of her Minister asked.
She looked up at man and wiped away some her tears. "I've done a terrible thing." She whispered. "I've lost everything." She let the tears run down her face and felt the man reach for her hand.
"Not everything." He told her, and suddenly her candle flicked out. Losing her light, it felt like another thing being taken from her, it deepened the ache inside of her, and more tears stared running down her face. "You're only alone if you let yourself be." He stood up and walked over to another candle display. He picked up one up and carried it back. Carefully he relit her candle. "See, there's always a way to make the light shine again." He smiled at her but she shook her head.
"I've lost Alex," She told him. "He said he'd never forgive me for leaving." Saying it out loud didn't make her feel better, it made it feel real.
"Didn't you tell him the same thing?" He smiled at her and she slowly nodded back. He was good, he knew more about her situation than most people and had a way of making her feel better. "There is still time," he told her. "If you're meant to be, there is still time." He reached over and gave her hand a squeeze. "You should go to him. Tell him how you feel. It's Christmas, a time for forgiveness." At those words he began to stand. "Drive safely Isobel, and merry Christmas."
She watched him walk away and she turned over what he'd said to her. Going to Alex couldn't make things worse; she couldn't spiral any deeper than she already was. After a minuter she stood up, she placed her candle with the others and she left the church, she went to her car and she began driving.
***
Alex stepped out of the confined space of the trailer and onto the area pretending to be a front patio. He looked around at the wilderness surrounding and yelled. The open space was intimidating and suffocating all at the same time. He didn't like it, he was a bar man, but he'd already had too many beers to make that move. He couldn't escape his surrounding; he was stuck there, alone in the middle of nowhere.
Frustrated, angry, and needing to vent he picked up a large stick from the ground and began using it to hit things, first the table, then the side of the trailer, and then his mounting pile of empty beer cans. One by one he threw them into the air and attempted to hit them into the wilderness. He missed them more often then he hit them, baseball wasn't his sport even when he was sober but there wasn't anything better to do. Eventually they were all gone and he moved onto rocks. Every time his stick made contact he felt a tiny bit of satisfaction like he was doing something right. It almost made him feel good, but nothing could take that empty feeling away from him.
He'd lost count of the number of stones he'd throned, when he saw the lights coming up his driveway. He stopped and watched the car make its way towards him, it took a moment for him to work out who it was but by the time the vehicle was stopped he knew it was Izzie, she'd come home.
Without moving he watched her step out the car and begin walking towards him. She looked scared, nervous, unsure of herself, different from the last time he'd seen her when she'd been so focused on hating him.
***
Walking towards Alex Izzie could feel her heart racing, she hadn't been this scared or nervous in a long time, not since she'd had her final surgery but that had been a completely different scared. Before she'd been scared of simply dying, now she was scared of living, living without Alex. He had to take her back, she didn't know what she would do without him, she needed him, she knew that now.
"I'm sorry."
***
It took every ounce of Alex's strength not to break his position and run towards her. He wanted to hold her, feel her, but he couldn't send the wrong message, he had to make sure she knew what she did wasn't okay, that she couldn't just come back, say sorry and make everything better. Instead he stayed where he was and watched her tremble.
"I'm sorry." She said the words again and took another step forward. "I was wrong."
***
Admitting she was wrong wasn't as hard as she thought it would be. Saying the words was easy, the hard part was waiting for Alex to say something, do something, anything to know he'd heard her but he just stood there glaring at her. She took another step forward, with every step she said she was sorry and tried to explain herself.
"I should have talked to you. I shouldn't have ran."
***
She kept talking; with every step she said something, made another apology. He didn't move, he was determined to stay where he was, make her come to him, make her do the work.
"I'm sorry." She said the words again and now she was only a foot away. She was so close he could smell her. It made him ache inside he wanted so badly to hold her but he wouldn't make that move, that move had to be hers.
***
"I'm sorry," She'd lost count of the number of times she'd said those words, hoping for forgiveness, hoping for Alex to say it was okay but he wasn't doing that and it was making her scared. She was so close to him now, close enough to touch him. "Alex I'm so sorry." She said reaching up for him, cupping her hand against his cheek. "I'm sorry I ran, I'm sorry I didn't talk to you, I'm sorry I hurt you."
***
her.
***
Alex's touch sent a warm feeling running through her, she moved into him pulled him closer. She breathed him in and closed her eyes. This was thex plsest she'd felt to whole in a long time.
***
Holding Izzie pulled at Alex's emotions, he wanted to comfort her, he didn't want to see her cry but he couldn't just hold her, holding k a stdn't take away everything she'd done, it didn't erase the pain she'd caused him.
"Iz," He said finally speaking to her, she had to know what he felt. "This doesn't make us okay."
***
"I know." It hurt to admit but she knew, saying sorry wasn't going to fix things. "But we're here, together we c comfx this."
"Yeah," Alex let out a sigh and pulled her closest hhey were together; he wasn't gke awao argue that.