He buried his face in his hands and uttered a sigh…a sound that carried painful burdens of his own actions, and those foolish actions of the past. The actions that would go unnoticed for the first twenty or so years of his life, only to assault him at what seemed to be the most perfect point in his life. It wasn't as if he asked for his life to be turned upside-down. Just a year prior to the series of chaotic events that had happened so recently, he wouldn't have been able to see it coming. Certainly it would not have shaken the beliefs so soundly built from the day he was born, from the day he was conceived.
But even at conception, his entire life had been a lie. And now, honesty was just as meaningless as the false name he bore, the title fabricated upon his young Bennett blood, by the father that was never his, and by the mother who had deliberately kept everyone from discovering this deception.
Why did you do it, mother?
he silently asked. I would have been proud to have grown up a Bennett…at least I would have known my true father…But he knew that was a lie too. It was no secret that he enjoyed the Crane privileges, or that he indulged in rubbing the name into the faces of all whom opposed him. He was a Crane. A powerful, formidable being, above the pitiful peasantry in that small New England town…at least, in the eyes of the men he believed to be his father and grandfather. The Crane name and influence were both strong.
He yearned to have such strength now, for maybe it would be enough to stop the tears falling from his eyes. Down they went, as he exposed his face to the unrelenting night sky, to the cold sea winds that offered no solace. As if to take away the very last thing he had left, the escapement of sweet solitude, the frosty air whipped against his warm, wet cheeks to produce a harsh, stinging sensation that was at the same time, strangely pleasurable.
This was only one side to the turmoil that had woven itself into the twisted tale that had become his life, his very existence. He felt like such a fool for having believed he was a Crane. He had constantly thrown that name into the face of Sam Bennett in hopes of intimidating him into doing things only a Crane wanted. Now that he looked back on things, he realized it was wrong, even though he only used his influence in order to ensure safety of his aunt, Sheridan.
My god, I've been bullying my own father for months
, he realized. I've been turning into a Crane, against someone uncannily familiar to me. He brought his hands to his head and scolded himself for his density. Of course there was a familiar air about him…! He even looked like me! Why didn't I see it before? Why…didn't I…He suddenly found his thoughts turned to the father he had known for those first twenty-something years.
Father…
You aren't my father…
But…I am…proud…to say I'll…never be like you…
Even in his sorrow, he almost felt comforted by the fact that he wasn't related to Julian Crane, the man with no respect for women or the well-being of his family…
I will never be like you. I'll never be unfaithful to my wife…
Then, his heart dropped.
No
, he told himself. Just because Julian cheated on Mother for years, it doesn't mean I'll be that way. I'll never leave my wife to have affairs over and over, just to have that pleasure…because I won't marry for wealth or power. I'll only marry for love.But…Gwen…
He thought about his planned marriage to the young Hotchkiss lady, a deal in the making for as far back as he could remember. Has that been a lie too? he wondered. Have I really been so controlled by my own family, that Gwen was the only girl I ever laid eyes on? She's beautiful, wonderful, loving…but…was she supposed to be my future wife because I loved her, or did I only love her because she was supposed to be my future wife?
It was a cruel joke, and he scolded himself for having gone along with it for a good decade. How could I do this to Gwen? he asked himself. I should have known. I should have known…!
He rested his elbows on the wooden bar and lowered his head shamefully. He cared for her so much, as she had been his closest friend for years, but he had never loved her. They shared a bed so many nights, but he had never been in love with her. He had only been in love with the idea of being in love with her, with having a wife, with having somebody to share the Crane Empire with.
I should have known…
Why couldn't I see that I never loved her?
Forgive me, Gwen…
For ten years he had been living this lie. And as Chad had said, he was too close to spending the rest of his life with someone he didn't love, someone he could only make miserable…
Until that very day Theresa had literally come crashing into his life. But that wasn't the first time they had met. He could vaguely recall memories from his childhood, when he used to interact with the Irish-Latin girl. The same girl that the adults had objections even then about him visiting with. Were they afraid he and the Lopez-Fitzgerald girl would happen to fall in love? The same girl who disappeared from his mind the day he met Gwen Hotchkiss…
How he had forgotten her…
How could I have forgotten her?!
he scolded himself. Even back then, she was such an amazing person. So full of love, compassion…and everlasting ambition. She didn't care then that we were from two different worlds.But…did I love her then…?
And do I love her now, or only think I do?
The vision of the young, passionate Theresa appeared in his mind…and he found himself smiling softly at this. Just the thought of her…so beautiful, and full of life…filled him with warmth. It was a feeling he somehow had never felt with Gwen…
…and he liked it. Just seeing Theresa go about her life so fervidly…it made him feel alive.
Even under her stalker guise, he felt he had always had some sort of connection with her. She was more than just his friend…she meant so much more than that. Yet…he couldn't tell her before it was almost too late…
Because of my obligation to Gwen and the family…
The obligation I was so blind to…
The obligation…that nearly…
He choked down a sob as he realized what his actions, or lack thereof, had almost lead to.
Theresa nearly died because I was too much of a fool to see I didn't love her…
Even after the accident, I didn't have enough courage to let Gwen go for her…
More tears rolled down his cheeks as the shame tore into his heart.
I was a coward.
Afraid to face my family.
Afraid to face reality…that I loved Theresa.
He let out a long sigh as his breathing returned to normal. He then gazed up at the stars, knowing what he had to do.
It's time to come clean.
The events of the past year soared through his mind at top speed, from his mock proposal to Gwen to his real one, from meeting Theresa as his stalker to ultimately falling in love with her…
He remembered earlier that evening that he had promised to meet the both of them at the Book Café, but could only imagine the cruelty yet undeniable reality of the words he was to impart to Gwen. It would be difficult, but…
I have to tell the truth. This would only hurt Gwen even more in the long run, and hurt Theresa even more…
This is the right thing to do. I must stop being a coward…
Yes, he knew what he had to do. Inhaling deeply, he turned his face away from the ever-bitter winds, remembering they were waiting for him.
I must tell them the truth; I must…
The young man collected his thoughts, composed himself, and slowly headed toward the Book Café.
***
Author notes:
Well, you caught onto my secret…I'm actually a writer of drama, sob stories, and the like. I don't know if I pulled it off here since it's been so long since my last decent drama.Oh, and I confess. I started this with intent of yaoi…but it turned out so good that I just couldn't do that to the story. So I just left it at this. Besides, I've got other opportunities to gross out the Passions crowd, heh, heh, heh…