DISCLAIMER: The One Ring Alchemist does not own any of the stuff Square-Enix owns. That includes Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, all its characters, places, and whatnot. Okay go on.

The True Advent Children

Hello. It is I, the legendary Sefuirosu (or Sephiroth, if you prefer English). I'm back in the Lifestream, waiting for a new idea to come to me to get my revenge on that runt. Meanwhile, I've been thinking a lot about the past events of my life and everybody else's.

Ever noticed that a lot of dangerous stuff occurs in Square-Enix's Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children? Yes, of course you have. Now, notice that much of the movie's major points spread out from scenes inside the church in sector six. This is where Cloud has been living after discovering his Seikonshoukougun (Star Scar Syndrome or Geostigma). I'm going to show you the cases of several characters that all befall an ill fate for the course of my movie.

Our first case is my adversary, the one and only Kuraudo Sutoraifu (Cloud Strife). Yes, idiot he may be, but he still gets me every time. I just cannot comprehend how such a lowly grunt could ever have defeated me, the greatest warrior ever to walk the face of the planet. How can that scrawny bean wield that blade which I could swear weighs half his weight? Ahem, anyway, my ramblings are useless until the next time I face him. Now, after the fight with Loz, Teifua (Tifa to you English people) is seen lying in the flower bed. Cloud finds her there, crashing through the flowers to get to her. After that point, Cloud's life goes downhill. He gets involved in a fierce battle with my remnants, has to face speaking to that Cetran survivor Earisu (whose name becomes either Aeris or Aerith in English, you choose), gets knocked around by a Bahamut, loses his cell phone, and eventually faces me in the toughest battle of his life (for his life). None of this would have happened if it weren't for one particular motion of his.

Our second case is Rozzu (or Loz). This remnant, who my creators of Square-Enix say represents my strength, is hardly the one I am most proud of. Yes ladies and gentlemen, he is the classic "all brawn and no brains", and I am embarrassed to call him a shinentai of mine. In his fight with Tifa, the guy has no trouble pinning her down, but he does make a fatal mistake. After throwing her into the flowers, he walks over and picks her up to further damage her. Guess what ends up happening to him? He disappears, along with Yazuu and Kadaaju. They paid for his folly.

The last case may or may not have occurred. I believe it was the Turks who found Tifa and Cloud lying in the flowers and brought them to the bedroom in Tifa's bar Seventh Heaven. Isn't it funny how it's named Seventh Heaven, used to be in Sector Seven, and exists in Final Fantasy Seven? Okay, very intentional, hardly hilarious Square-Enix. Their bringing the twain the bar happened off-camera, but they still had to step into the flowers to pick them up in the first place. I'll bet you it went like this:

After Kadaj came and threatened President Shinra and beat up his Turks, Ruufuausu (Rufus) probably sent the Turks to go look for Cloud and persuade him again to be one of his bodyguards. They had tried earlier, but Cloud refused. Nobody really knows why it was the Turks that picked them up, so I'm guessing they came looking for Cloud to speak to him again. Why would they just go help him with no motive in the background?

They reach the Church, after looking in all of the usual places Cloud might be and asking around. There is Tifa and Cloud, laying near each other, out-cold, in the flowers…

Reno: Heh, look at them. Do you think…

Rude: Tifa looks beat up.

Reno: Was it Cloud? But they both had time to put their clothes back on…

Rude: Shut up. Someone else was here.

Reno: The church is pretty busted up. Maybe it was Kadaj?

Rude: Hmm…let's get them somewhere safe.

Reno: Can't we watch over them right here?

Rude: … goes over to the edge of the floorboards

Reno: NO!

Rude?

Reno: Them flowers are mutinous! Believe me, I've learned my lesson from stepping on them.

Rude: I don't understand.

Reno: It happened the first time I met Cloud. I was coming for that Ancient, Aeris, and had some grunts with me. Cloud was there with her; I think he fell into the church from the upper plate. Aeris and Cloud escaped to the back of this place, so naturally, I went to follow them. Aeris, before leaving, was like, 'Don't fight here! You'll ruin the flowers!' Apparently, ruining those flowers was like a sin.

Rude: Flowers don't grow anywhere else in Midgar.

Reno: I realize that. But I walked over those flowers, and all the MPs were upset and one said I would catch 'holy hell'. They all probably walked along the planks to get to the back of the room; I didn't watch them. But I believe them now! I did!

Rude: You lost your position for a while. You had to destroy the support of the plate above Sector Seven slums. I can't remember every bad thing that happened to you after that, but you're still alive. Now let's get them to a safer place.

It probably ends up that Rude picks them both up and places them on the floorboards. Reno will not step on those flowers. Rude probably carries the heavier one, Cloud, back, and Reno carries Tifa. We can ascertain to this using the knowledge that Rude is very powerful and that he is carrying two kids away from the Bahamut later in the movie while Reno has only one.

Do you see where my story is going? Loz, Cloud, and possibly one or both of the prominent Turks all stepped into those cursed flowers. Kadaj rode his motorcycle over them, so that may be why he disappears and suffers after turning into me. Tifa is the only one who can't be blamed. She was thrown into the flowers by Loz; she didn't walk into them of her own free will. If you choose to believe me on my theory of the Turks in the church (sorry, you must believe me, you have no choice), then much more of the movie makes sense. If Rude was the only one who stepped on them by Reno's order, that would explain his chronic bad luck throughout the movie. You know what I mean: the entire movie shows him getting hit and pushed around by Reno. Of course, this may have been going on longer than we know, since they have been working together forever and Reno is left-handed, which makes up a recipe for clumsiness. But as far as we know, his act of stepping on those holy flowers gets him marked as a throw pillow for the rest of the movie.

The act of stepping on Aeris' flowers triggers the whole plot for Advent Children. The appearance of my shinentai may have something to do with it, but truly, it is all the flowers' doing. In the end, Aeris decided to turn that small patch of flowers into a little pond, probably because she got tired of everyone stepping on them. So now there's no flowers in Midgar…

Meanwhile, here I am, trapped as a memory, floating in the Lifestream. You haven't seen the last of me, Cloud…