Scene I: The twins' nursery at the Kotters' apartment, a Friday afternoon in September 1979
(Juan Epstein is looking down at the twins' playpen. They're now about two years old and very cute. He's making faces and shaking his mop of hair. The girls giggle.)
JUAN: OK, that's enough. Your mom's gonna be home soon and you're supposed to be takin' a nap.
TWINS: Sing!
JUAN: You want me to sing?
TWINS: Yeah!
JUAN: The Beatles again?
TWINS: Bee-uls!
JUAN: You two do love the classics. OK, lie down and I'll sing. (They lie down. Then he sings, surprisingly sweetly and softly, some of John Lennon's "Julia," as the girls get sleepy and drop off. He smiles tenderly down at them.)
JULIE KOTTER: (offscreen) I'm home! (He looks up and there's a new emotion in his smile.)
Scene II: The living room
(Julie is setting down her purse and briefcase. She's dressed for her substitute teaching job at Buchanan High School. Juan enters, his finger to his lips, shutting the door behind him.)
JUAN: The girls are sleeping.
JULIE: (more quietly) Oh, sorry. Were they any trouble?
JUAN: Nah, they're angels.
JULIE: My girls? The last babysitter didn't think so.
JUAN: She probably don't got my magic with kids.
JULIE: (smiling) Probably not. (shaking her head) The neighbors think I'm crazy, having a nineteen-year-old male babysitter.
JUAN: Hey, who cares what the neighbors think, right?
JULIE: Right.
JUAN: (coming closer) So how was work?
JULIE: (sighing) It's been a long week.
JUAN: Hey, thank God it's Friday, right?
JULIE: Right.
JUAN: And how's Mr. Woodman doin'?
JULIE: Believe it or not, I think he misses the Sweathogs.
JUAN: Well, he'll have Mr. Kotter back soon.
JULIE: (no longer smiling) I don't know. Gabe is doing really well, touring as a stand-up comic. I don't know if he'll ever go back to teaching.
JUAN: Oh.
JULIE: Did the mail come?
JUAN: Yeah, it's over on the table. (She crosses to the kitchen table and starts sorting through the mail.)
JULIE: Bill. Bill. Bill. Gabe.
JUAN: Great! Maybe he'll say when he's coming home. (She doesn't look too optimistic though. She sits on the couch and opens the letter. She reads through it silently.) So when's he coming back?
JULIE: (on the edge of tears) Never.
JUAN: Never?
JULIE: He met someone.
JUAN: George Carlin? Robin Williams? Shecky Greene?
JULIE: No, a woman.
JUAN: Phyllis Diller?
JULIE: No, he's—he slept with another woman.
JUAN: Oh, man, I'm sorry!
JULIE: I can't say I'm totally surprised. We've been drifting apart ever since the twins were born and I hardly see him anymore.
JUAN: Yeah, but maybe it's just an on-the-road fling. You know, he's lonely and—
JULIE: No, he says he's in love with her.
JUAN: Oh.
JULIE: He's leaving me.
JUAN: Then he's crazy.
JULIE: (trying to smile) Thanks.
JUAN: No, I mean it, you're great! You're smart, you're sweet, you're gorgeous— (realizing what he just said) Uh, you're a good mom.
JULIE: You really think I'm gorgeous? (Juan hesitates and then he sits down next to her.)
JUAN: Well, yeah. I mean, I don't paint just anybody's face on a wall.
JULIE: But it wasn't my body.
JUAN: Well, no, I hadn't seen you naked. (nervously) Uh, I mean—
JULIE: Juan, it's OK if you've got a little crush on me. I'm flattered.
JUAN: A crush?! You crazy? I'm a grown man. I don't got no crush.
JULIE: I didn't mean to offend—
JUAN: I got the hots for you.
JULIE: Oh. Then I'm very flattered. (They look at each other and then he kisses her on the mouth. When he stops, he looks more shocked than she does.)
JUAN: I am so sorry, Mrs. Kotter—
JULIE: Juan, it's OK.
JUAN: No, it's not! You're a married lady!
JULIE: Well, I'm not as married as I was yesterday.
JUAN: Yeah, but taking advantage of you in your vulnerable state like that! I'm a pig, Mrs. Kotter! And for a Puerto-Rican Jew, that's not a comfortable thing to be.
JULIE: First of all, you're not a pig. And secondly, if you're going to kiss me, you may as well call me Julie.
JUAN: Julie?
JULIE: Yes.
JUAN: (smiling) Julie. Julia. (He sings a little of the song.)
JULIE: I didn't know you could sing like that.
JUAN: Yeah, I sing lullabies to the twins sometimes.
JULIE: So that's your magic.
JUAN: Yeah. (this time with a Spanish J) Julia.
JULIE: (trying to pronounce it right) Julia?
JUAN: Nah, you gotta do more of a breathy thing. Hwa!
JULIE: (trying) Like this, Juan?
JUAN: No, make your lips more— (They look at each other and then start kissing passionately. Fade to commercial.)
Scene III: Mort's Delicatessen, the next day
(Juan is sitting in the booth on the Far Stage Right. He looks nervous and guilty. Freddie "Boom-Boom" Washington, Vinnie Barbarino, and Arnold Horshack enter in that order from Stage Left. They greet Mort at the counter as they pass through the otherwise empty deli, then wave to Juan when they spot him. They pile into the booth in that order, Freddie next to Juan, etc.)
VINNIE: Epstein, you ordered yet?
JUAN: Yeah, I told Mort our four usuals.
VINNIE: So where's the food?
JUAN: He said it'll be awhile. (The other Sweathogs look around.) There are a lot of phone orders ahead of us.
VINNIE: Oh.
JUAN: So how you guys been?
ARNOLD: Well, married life has been treating me well. Mary and I—
VINNIE: No one cares. I'm still working at the hospital and doing the Saturday night dance contests.
FREDDIE: (shaking his head) You still think that's your ticket out of Brooklyn?
VINNIE: I'm gonna win some day and then you can all eat my dust.
FREDDIE: Disco will die before you win.
VINNIE: Disco is forever. Like Sinatra. (Freddie rolls his eyes.)
ARNOLD: And how is Brooklyn College, Frederick?
FREDDIE: It's cool. I'm thinkin' of becomin' a lawyer. (Vinnie looks skeptical.) I got a better chance than you do of dancin' your way out of here.
ARNOLD: And, Juan, you're taking care of the Kotter twins? (Vinnie and Freddie look very amused.)
VINNIE: Yeah, he's a male Mary Poppins.
JUAN: (reverting to tough-guy mode) Watch it!
VINNIE: Oh, you gonna hit me with your umbrella?
FREDDIE: Hey, I think it's great that you're in touch with your feminine side. Chicks dig the sensitive type.
VINNIE: Yeah, that's why he hasn't dated in weeks.
JUAN: It just so happens—Never mind. (His friends look at each other.)
ARNOLD: So how is Mrs. Kotter to work for?
JUAN: (softly) She's great.
FREDDIE: I bet Mr. Kotter's happy.
JUAN: Mr. Kotter?
FREDDIE: Yeah, he's away a lot and now she'll have a human watchdog around to keep other guys away.
VINNIE: Hey, come on, she's old.
JUAN: She's not old!
VINNIE: Well, not old like my grandmother. But she must be about 30. Who'd be after her?
FREDDIE: I don't know. She's not bad for an older woman.
ARNOLD: I'm sure that Mrs. Kotter is 100% faithful to Mr. Kotter. And vice versa.
JUAN: Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you guys about.
FREDDIE: Aha! Some other dude's after her.
JUAN: Yeah, well.
FREDDIE: So scare him away. Or are you afraid she'd fire you?
JUAN: No, guys—OK, Horshack, I don't want to shatter your dreams, but Mr. Kotter is not 100% faithful.
ARNOLD: Ninety-nine and 44/100% faithful?
JUAN: No. (Arnold looks shattered.) I'm sorry. He wants to leave Mrs. Kotter.
ARNOLD: (as if he's a little kid whose mommy and daddy are getting a divorce) They can't split up!
FREDDIE: Oh, I get it. He cheated on her. So now she wants to do some revenge cheating.
JUAN: No, it's not like that.
FREDDIE: How do you know? Were you spyin' on them?
JUAN: No, I'm the other dude! (Freddie and Arnold look shocked. Vinnie doesn't seem to know how to react.)
FREDDIE: You and Mrs. Kot-taire?
JUAN: Yeah, but we just kissed, I swear.
FREDDIE: Barbarino, do you believe this?
VINNIE: What?
FREDDIE: He kissed her!
VINNIE: Who?
FREDDIE: Epstein kissed Mrs. Kotter.
VINNIE: Where?
JUAN: In the living room. And she kissed me. She even ran her fingers through my hair.
VINNIE: How?
JUAN: She has strong fingers. Anyway I kissed her first.
VINNIE: Why?
JUAN: Because I think I'm falling in love with her! (They all stare at him.)
VINNIE: That ain't good.
JUAN: Tell me about it.
VINNIE: No, I mean, that's a sin.
FREDDIE: Kissin' ain't a sin.
VINNIE: Yeah, it is. President Carter said so.
FREDDIE: When did Carter talk about kissing?
VINNIE: He said that it's adultery to look at women with lust in your heart.
FREDDIE: (shaking his head) That's like two or three unrelated pieces of anatomy.
JUAN: (quietly) In this case, it's related.
VINNIE: See, a sin.
JUAN: Barbarino, I got Catholic and Jewish guilt over this. I don't need you to tell me it's a sin.
ARNOLD: But if he loves her—No, wait, he's the other man. Poor Mr. Kotter! But, no, Mr. Kotter cheated first. I don't know whose side I'm on!
FREDDIE: OK, Juan Luis Pedro Felipo de Huevos Epstein, you are charged with seducing an older but well preserved unhappily married woman. How do you plead?
JUAN: I didn't seduce her! It was just a kiss! OK, a lot of kisses.
VINNIE: What kind? Was there tongue?
JUAN: I'm not tellin' you that!
VINNIE: Then how are we supposed to judge you?
JUAN: I don't want you to judge me. I want you to act like friends and support me.
ARNOLD: OK, I'm choosing a side. Little Juan, you are my best friend. I don't like everything you do, but if you want to marry Mrs. Kotter and adopt her twins, I will support you.
JUAN: Marriage?! Horshack, you're kinda rushin' things.
VINNIE: He can't marry her.
ARNOLD: He can if they get divorced. What am I saying? I'm trying to break up the Kotters' marriage!
FREDDIE: No, I don't think you're the one breakin' it up.
VINNIE: Divorce is a sin.
JUAN: Not in the Jewish faith.
VINNIE: She ain't Jewish.
FREDDIE: No, she's Protestant. (shaking his head) From Nebraska! Man, what are her folks gonna say when she brings you home for Christmas?
ARNOLD: (sentimentally) Christmas in Nebraska! That sounds so nice!
JUAN: Whoa, Guys, slow down! No one said nothin' about Christmas either.
FREDDIE: You think you're in love with her. What if she falls in love with you? She's gonna wanna take you to meet her parents.
JUAN: Guys, this just happened yesterday. I haven't even talked to her about it. (Julie enters from the front door. He sinks down in his seat. His friends turn and see her.)
FREDDIE: Well, here's your chance.
JUAN: I'm not sayin' nothin' to her about us in front of you guys. And you better not say nothin' to her. (tough-guy) Or else!
FREDDIE: It's cool, it's cool. I can be discreet.
VINNIE: I can't.
JUAN: You can try.
ARNOLD: Not a word. (He mimes zipping his lip. Juan shakes his head. Meanwhile, Julie has been talking to Mort and now sees the Sweathogs and makes her way over, sitting next to Arnold.)
JULIE: Hi, Juan, your sister said I'd find you here. I didn't know you'd have company. Um, nice to see you guys. It's been awhile.
VINNIE: Yeah, what's new? (Juan looks like he wants to reach over and slap him.)
JULIE: Oh, the usual. Um, Juan, I forgot to pay you yesterday. (She takes a filled-out check from her purse.)
ARNOLD: (shocked) You're paying him? (Vinnie reaches past Arnold and grabs the check.)
VINNIE: (looking at the check) Not very much.
FREDDIE: Well, consider what she's getting. Uh, I mean, he's inexperienced. At baby-sitting!
JUAN: (to Freddie, while grabbing the check from Vinnie) I come from a big family, remember?
JULIE: You told them, didn't you, Juan?
JUAN: Well, Whool—Jul—Mrs. Kotter, I got kind of a moral dilemma here. I needed someone to confide in.
JULIE: And you couldn't find a priest or rabbi?
JUAN: They're my friends. Don't you talk to your friends about stuff like this?
JULIE: Number one, I've never experienced "stuff like this" before, and number two, well, I think my friends are going to be a little shocked.
ARNOLD: Mrs. Kotter, I just want you to know that you and Juan have my complete support. Unless you and Mr. Kotter reconcile, in which case, you and he have my complete support.
JULIE: Thank you, Arnold. That's very, well, supportive of you. But Mr. Kotter called a little while ago. And he wants me to file for divorce. (Arnold starts crying. Julie pats his shoulder.)
FREDDIE: Why doesn't he file for it?
JULIE: Because he's traveling a lot, and it's easier for me to file in New York.
FREDDIE: So you goin' for child support? Alimony?
JULIE: I haven't really thought this all through. A lot has happened in the past twenty-four hours.
FREDDIE: Well, let me know if you need an attorney. I work cheap.
JULIE: Freddie, you're about six years away from a law degree, but thank you.
VINNIE: Mrs. Kotter, I don't think you should get a divorce. It's a sin.
JULIE: Thank you, Vinnie.
VINNIE: OK, so he cheated on you. Be big and forgive him.
JULIE: Vinnie, I appreciate your advice, but it's not just about his, well, adultery.
VINNIE: OK, yeah, you cheated a little, too. And with Epstein! (He shakes his head.)
JUAN: What's wrong with me?
JULIE: Yeah, what's wrong with Juan?
VINNIE: OK, not to offend either of you, but if you were on the rebound and desperate for an earthy young stud, well, why would he be your first choice?
ARNOLD: You think she should've picked you?
VINNIE: No, she ain't my type. But I'm still hurt. I mean, I got better hair for fingers to run through.
JULIE: (smiling) True. But Juan has many fine qualities.
FREDDIE: He does?
JULIE: Yes, he's got a sweetness under his toughness.
VINNIE: I got a sweetness under my toughness.
JULIE: And he's funny.
VINNIE: I'm funny sometimes.
FREDDIE: Not on purpose.
JULIE: (blushing) And, well, he's pretty sexy.
VINNIE: I give up. If you ain't got no taste—
JUAN: (smiling at Julie across the table) Nah, she tastes real good. (Julie blushes more but smiles back.)
ARNOLD: (covering his ears) My innocence has been so shattered today!
FREDDIE: Hard to believe he's the married one.
JULIE: (gently pulling one of Arnold's hands down) Arnold, I promise that Juan and I will take it slow.
JUAN: How slow?
JULIE: Let's at least see how the divorce goes first.
JUAN: Well, can we have dinner sometime?
JULIE: I was thinking lunch. (Mort, an elderly Jewish man, comes over to the table with two to-go orders.)
MORT: Here you are, Mrs. Kotter. And I did like you said and rushed Epstein's order through.
FREDDIE: What about our orders?
VINNIE: Yeah, we've been waiting for hours.
MORT: Mrs. Kotter just said Epstein.
FREDDIE: Oh, special treatment, I get it.
MORT: (not picking up on the undercurrents) Epstein, you've got the kosher tongue, right?
JUAN: (embarrassed) Uh, yeah. (Freddie and Vinnie look like they want to say something suggestive, so he glares at them.)
MORT: And, Mrs. Kotter, here's your pastrami on white bread with mayo. (Juan's friends look from the bag holding this very WASPy Annie-Hallish order over to Juan.)
JUAN: (shrugging) Hey, I never said there wouldn't be no differences to work out. (Commercial break.)
Scene IV: The Kotters' kitchen table, about fifteen minutes later
(Juan and Julie are sitting with their deli sandwiches in front of them. The twins are in high chairs.)
JULIE: It's going to be an adjustment, having meals with a man who doesn't tell me stories about his family.
JUAN: Don't worry, I got it covered. (He takes out a piece of tongue meat from his sandwich and folds it up into mustache shape. She laughs as he puts it under his nose. He goes into a Gabe Kaplan imitation.) Julie, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Alejandro?
JULIE: (trying to keep a straight face) No, uh, Gabe, I don't think you ever did.
JUAN: Well, one day he's walking down the street. Un día, él está caminando por la calle... (He tells a short but complete joke in Spanish.) "…Eso no fue una señora, que era mi esposa." (Julie and the twins stare at him.)
JULIE: "That was no lady, that was my wife?"
JUAN: (dropping the tongue and the Puerto-Rican Kaplan imitation) Oh, you've heard it before?
JULIE: Afraid so.
JUAN: I guess it's not as funny the second time.
JULIE: Or the tenth.
JUAN: (picking up the tongue again) OK, let me try it in Yiddish. (Julie and the twins laugh hard. Freeze-frame.)
ANNOUNCER: Next week on Welcome Back Kotter, "The Nanny and the Principal."
MR. WOODMAN: (ranting in his office) Woman, have you taken leave of your senses?
(The closing credits roll.)