My little chat with Rimmer.

CrystalMagic

*I don't own Rimmer or anything…. I WISH I DID!!

Stupid little thing I did for lit. I think it may want to live on www.Fanfiction.net for a while

I had always loved the TV show Red Dwarf, and when I had a chance to go to the red

Dwarf Dimension Jump convention I was more than happy to go. I was on my way to the Booth the Mr. Chris Barrie was sitting in to get an autograph when I saw a woman sitting on the ground surrounded by Pictures of 20th century Telegraph poles. At first I thought it was odd, but then I remembered that the character Arnold J Rimmer loved them. I wasn't over to her and asked her how she had gotten so many slides and pictures of the telegraph poles and she told me that if I went the last booth in the last row I would see a small passage way that is covered in pictures of Danny john Jewels, Crag Charles, Chris Barrie, and Chloe Annett. Next to each shrine of pictures there would be a door, only one of them was the door to visit the crew of Red Dwarf, and if I found it on the first try I would be able to stay on Red Dwarf for as long as I wanted, or until Holly, the ship computer, found out where in the ship the portal was. I thanked the woman and started on my Quest to find the doors, they where right where she said they where. I found the first door was a lavish pink, red and white door with the word "KOCHASKI" written on it, this must be Chloe's dressing room, next I found a door that was a deep purple, red, and blue door that said "CAT" this must have bin Danny's room. Their where more rooms boasting the names of characters, Holly, Lister, Rimmer, and Kryten. Surrounding each door was pictures of each character in the most memorable costumes and poises. I stood there looking at each door in turn; trying to decide which door I should choose when a man dressed in service gear walked passed me and said "it isn't one of them doors, try a little farther down the hall" I was confused, but I went farther down the hall and saw a new set of doors, one marked "Captions Quarters", another was "Drive Plate Room" and the last one said "Museum of 20th century telegraph poles" I laughed as I turned the handle of the door to the "museum" to find I was not standing in the hall anymore, but a small room with pictures of poles all over the walls, I was shocked to find I wasn't the only person there- a Sutter was rolling along happily along dusting the pictures. It looked up and made a screeching noise and rolled out of the room, and about 30 seconds later, Arnold J. Rimmer walked into the room. I Fainted. I came around in the Medi bay with Rimmer sitting next to the bed I was laying on, he seemed to be trying to figure out who I was using the ident computer in his lap, mumbling something about how I wasn't in the computer banks. He turned to look over at me and jumped to see I was looking at him.

"Iv got 9 questions for you Rimmer" "HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?"

Crystal: well, I know a lot more than your name, you're famous for being a coward, Having obsessions such as Morris Dancing the Hammond organ, the game Risk, and 20th Century telegraph poles, and having such a total disappointment to your family that You legally divorced them. But that's not important, I am CONTACT _Con-493E14EC1 Crystal Gallatin, I would like to know, what is it like being dead?

Rimmer: Well, you know a lot about me don't you? Um, being dead, it's got a lot of paper work, stacks up a lot. That's about all you do when you dead, paperwork on all your memories. Hay, you never told me how you know my name…and all that other stuff….

Crystal: oh, well you're quite famous; you have a number of fan web pages, www.AJRimmer.com, umm, well, that's the only one totally devoted to you, but www.reddwarf.co.uk and www.PileOSmeg.com all of those web sights have info about you, I also know you have bronze and silver swimming certificates but you Can't swim and you have two alter egos, Ace Rimmer and Billy Doyle. Which brings me to my next question, why do you not like Ace Rimmer, I mean, come on men, he's YOU!

Rimmer: ACE? You're asking me why I don't like ACE? It should be totally obvious He's a smegging git with the charm of a Dead Yak!

Crystal: well, ok, moving on, um, what do you think of your crewmates?

Rimmer: well, I wouldn't call them crewmates I would call them annoying little bugs. Don't get me wrong, Lister will make a great lab rat and cat, umm well, he would make a Great addition to the zoo on Pluto.

Crystal: Pluto? Oh, yes, now I remember, you went to school there. What would you say was the hardest thing in school for you?

Rimmer: I always had problems with exams, the only thing I ever passed with high marks was a Breathalyzer test. I always liked art, its something not many people know about me, and not even Lister- I love to paint. But ever since becoming a hologram, I can't do it anymore.

Crystal: I Know you enjoy war figures, who or what made you become interested in war?

Rimmer: My Father, we never had loving relationship and I just wanted to please him somehow. The only way I could was be an expert on something, and all I liked was war. Did you know that in a past life I was Alexander the greats chief eunuch in a past life?

Crystal: yes, I did. I also know you paid 200 pounds for a tube of General Patton's nasal fluid. Wonderful fact of the day…. Any way, who is you biggest hero?

Rimmer: it may sound bad, but Hitler, the pure genius of his was amazing, he was a bit mad, but he was smegging Brilliant! He raised an immense amount of solders

Crystal: when you divorced your parents, why did you keep your family name?

Rimmer: I just didn't want to do the paperwork, I HATE paperwork.

Crystal: you hate paperwork but you want a desk job in the space corps?

Rimmer: yes.

Crystal: umm, ok. Well, do you have any advise at all for me?

Rimmer: Yes, always remember space core directive # 1742

Crystal: what, no member of the corps should ever report to duty in a ginger toupee?

Rimmer: oh, no, #1743 then, always use deflectors when entering an asteroid belt. could show you a scar that proves that one. Would you like to see it?

Crystal: umm, no thank you Rimmer. Thank you for your time.

Rimmer: Do you fancy a game of risk?