Hello all! Welcome to the inaugural chapter to the QBHazelraMPHS Collective's "The Erroneous Assumption Predicament".

In our first collaboration we are exploring the self-inflicted tragedy of Sheldon and Amy. But do not worry, even though it's all drama it's funny all the same (we hope at least).

The story is written in both Amy and Sheldon's POV. Every thought and word from Amy is written by Hazelra7, while Sheldon is written by QBMaja, and mphs95 made sense out of it.

We hope you enjoy our first project together and don't forget to let us know what you think. There may be more in the future...

Disclaimer: We own nothing at all...

"The Erroneous Assumption Predicament"

Chapter 1 - Sheldon

"Listen… I've been thinking a lot about relationships, and how difficult they can be… and I think-"

"I've been thinking about them too, Sheldon… Being your girlfriend is so… challenging. Emotionally… physically… I've been incredible patient, for years."

"Strongly disagree, go on…"

"Okay well, this isn't easy to say, because I love you… but… I need some time, to take a step a back and reevaluate our situation."

"Oh…"

"I hope you understand…"

"Okay…"

"Bye Sheldon…"

Well, Gollum. You're an expert on rings... What do I do with this one?

See, it took forever to find it, the perfect one for Amy. I went to many jewelry stores until I finally found it. One just doesn't buy some ring for the woman one wants to spend the rest of one's life with online just to save a few bucks, like Leonard did.

For weeks now I am trying to figure out when and where to ask her. Everyone can take their girlfriend to some fancy restaurant on their anniversary, throw the ring in a glass with some awful tasting, carbonated liquid and 'surprise' her with it. Where's the fun in that?

Just the other day I saw an ad for Disneyland and was thinking if I should go with her to an amusement park like Barry Allen, aka The Flash, did when he asked Iris West to marry him while riding on the Ferris wheel. I liked the idea so much that I just couldn't stop thinking about it on our anniversary.

I spent many hours with finding the right words, but I still haven't found them. I'm not sure if a simple 'Will you marry me?' would be adequate enough for the momentum of the event when Sheldon Lee Cooper officially succumbs to the hotsie-totsie from Glendale.

It's no secret that I used to find the need to bond for life with another human baffling and irritating. Yet, it wasn't even a difficult decision to make.

After we sent out our application for the Mars colonization I thought about how it would be if chosen to go. We would be together for the remainder of our presumably short lives on the red planet. I like the idea of dying with Amy, although the thought of Amy dying depresses. I hope I'll perish before her. I don't want to think about being alone after she's gone…

Anyway. Then I remembered what Amy said about starting a family on Mars. Naturally we agreed that our offspring will be gifted with the most ingenious intellects the world- no, the universe has ever seen.

I don't concur with anything my mother believes in, but I know hell hath no fury like her should our Martian babies be born out of wedlock. She would find a way to come to Mars with her reverend in tow to get us married and I thought that I wouldn't mind that at all.

It was then I realized that it didn't matter what planet we were on, I still want to spend the remainder of my life with Amy.

I knew with Leonard moving out gradually that the day would come when Amy will move in and share my bed. It occurred to me that I would prefer to wake up next to my wife than my girlfriend. As my mother would say, 'You don't ride the roller coaster without buying a ticket.'

I'm no fare dodger.

I thought a lot about 'riding the roller coaster' lately. I know, as soon as we're engaged, she'll expect more physical intimacy. She already does and I'm getting there. I just need a little more time...

So I go back and forth with what to say when I'll propose to Amy. I know she'll want something 'meaningful and from the heart', similar to what Leonard says to Penny. Although I for one think that clearly he didn't say the right words the multiple times he proposed to Penny. Otherwise he wouldn't have been rejected, right?

Also, the proposal should be romantic. First, because she seems to like that so much and all my attempts to eliminate everything remotely romantic in our relationship were all in vain.

I still don't understand why she's so keen about all this hearts and flowers nonsense. It's only something for hormone driven females... and Leonard and Raj. Too bad that Amy changed her mind about it not adding anything of value to human life...

Secondly, I have been told that romance is a non-optional convention when one wants to propose to one's girlfriend. Well, I didn't tell anyone that I am planning to do that, but I watch movies and TV shows. Sometimes, I read Penny's 'Cosmopolitan' when I need secret guidance. Actually I thought reading magazines for women would make me an expert in all things irrational that they care so much about. Like that one has to buy something from a florist for Valentine's Day, which I did. I didn't want to give her something that became dried up and ugly, though, only left to throw in the trash and easily forgotten. I don't like the thought of getting her something that dies within a blink of an eye. I don't want to connect the concept of death with Amy at all. It's really making me feel grim.

Instead, I gave her something that would last, something that she would see and think of me. However, she didn't appreciate the mushroom log. I don't know why.

I think that nothing is more romantic than honesty. No shallow grand gestures, smooth-tongued words, or big fluffy gifts to placate the person.

Like the time when I thought I discovered a method for synthesizing a new stable super-heavy element. I hated every congratulating word because they just reminded me of my failure, but only Amy understood it. It was indeed the most romantic thing I ever heard when she told me that she's disappointed in me and that it's especially embarrassing because truthfully that chart was really easy to read. I felt so overwhelmed with emotion, I could have hugged her right then and there with all the people in the room.

Penny and Leonard are on their way to Las Vegas now to finally get married and to live happily ever after. I should have just asked Amy on our anniversary and run off with her there instead. She would have been a pretty bride in her new dress. She could already be Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler-Cooper by now and we would live happily everafter.

Yet, she isn't my wife. She isn't even my girlfriend any longer and none of this matters anymore. The perfect ring, the perfect place, the perfect words. She left me.

Amy left me.

I'm alone.

I'm alone and I can't breathe.

I can't breathe!

I'm dying!

I'm dying and no one's here to help me!

I'm dying all alone.

Wait! She said she would need to 'take a step back'. Is that the same as breaking up?

If she wouldn't want to be my girlfriend anymore, wouldn't she have said that explicitly? She didn't, so it's more like a break then. A break suggests something being on hold, like on pause, like something that is supposed to be continued. Or not?

I need a tea. Chamomile, that always helps.

There's Amy's cup. Will she ever use it again?

I feel sick.

I don't know what 'a break' means either. We have nothing stipulated in our Relationship Agreement for a situation like this. She clearly is violating our contract right now. Should I remind her of that? She usually is a reasonable and more importantly a law-abiding person. She would see her error and all would be good again. Everything would be as it's supposed to be.

Yes, all will be fine. All has to be fine again.

Why aren't things fine now?

I don't understand what happened. What did she mean with she needs to 'reevaluate our situation'? What situation? Why does she need to reevaluate it? Why now?

It cannot really be just because I asked her about 'The Flash'. I really don't know why Amy got so upset when all I wanted was her valuable opinion. I am of the belief that one should always involve their life partner in important decisions, and this was one of them! Heck, I was telling the guys that when we wanted to buy into Stuart's shop.

Although I didn't follow my own advice when I didn't include her in my decision to apply to go to Mars. She was very dismayed about that, so I have made sure ever since that I make an effort to involve her in anything significant to consider.

I know we were kissing, but it just popped up in my head. I'm a genius at everything, including multi-tasking of course. She was there, I was there. Why not ask her about an important decision like which show to watch, right?

What if it's bad and I really don't like it, but I already invested time and I still need to know what's going to happen? As I have told Penny, once I commit myself to something, I'm in for the long run even if the quality is declining. The many wasted hours! What if they cancel it because people out there are too stupid to see the ingenuity? The pain! It would be 'Firefly' all over again. It's been years and I'm still not over it.

Maybe it was just that I interrupted the kissing that upset her. Penny said to me today that I'm not supposed to talk about television when we're making out.

No, that doesn't make sense. I obviously wanted to kiss her again and she didn't let me. If it would have been about the interruption, we would have continued. She really did kill the mood, didn't she? Making out was awesome.

Will I ever kiss Amy again?

If Amy never comes back to me, would I get over that? Could I be content again all by myself? Now that Leonard is gone too, there is no one left.

Maybe I should get a cat.

No! No kittens! She will come back. Whatever the reason for her needing a break is, she will come back to me.

Why didn't she just tell me what I did wrong?

Albeit, I didn't do anything wrong.

Even if she was angry that I interrupted the kissing and said something she didn't like, that's definitely no reason to need to reevaluate our situation. It must be something else.

What did she say? Being my girlfriend is challenging? Physically and emotionally? What does she mean by that?

I thought she's happy being with me. We have a test that clearly states how happy she is! We got an 8.2! That's just 1.8 points below a perfect ten, that's basically as good as perfectly happy. We almost got a turtle together because we're so happy that there's lots of room for a third party to be happy with us.

Did she only pretend to be happy?

I'm confused. Amy once was the only person who didn't confuse me, the only one whom I understood and the only one who understood me, or so I thought. When did that change?

She loves me, she said. That's reassuring.

Maybe she'll stop loving me? If being my girlfriend is indeed so arduous, wouldn't she want it to stop?

I would. I want everything that I find uncomfortable to go away.

She will break up with me!

Oh no.

Oh God no!

I can't breathe!

Wait! I did find what she made me feel uncomfortable for years and I didn't want to go away anyway. I stayed.

Mostly.

Is this about my self-discovery train trip last summer?

Is this about me almost breaking up with her over the table?

This doesn't make sense either. Wouldn't she have said something much earlier if it would be?

If I think about it, Amy confuses me a lot since she became my girlfriend. I made it absolutely clear how I want our relationship to be. A perfect one of the mind. She signed the Relationship Agreement with no objections even though I told her she could get a lawyer. Yet she didn't and in the absence of any protest I believed to exactly know how our relationship will be from then on.

I'm such a fool. I have been tricked by that vixen.

I even let her experiment with me to heighten my feelings for her! I wanted it to stop. I said so to Leonard, but I didn't make it stop. Why didn't I? I should have. I wouldn't be here now feeling as awful as I never did in my life before and I would be happily living my life in perfect harmony with myself, as I used to.

No, I should have stopped it even before that. Before I asked her to be my girlfriend. Before she kissed me when she was drunk. I should have listened to my mother when she said Amy and I are definitely not suited for each other. None of this would have happened then.

What's worse is that I didn't even notice at first that physical intimacy was never really off the table. I'm such a gullible dupe, no wonder everybody always laughs at me. What did I do when I finally did realize what she's up to? I didn't tell her it will never happen like I should have. No, instead I found myself 'not ruling it out' and 'working on it' and even playing it in a stupid D&D game!

What the heck did that woman do to me?! She awakened all sorts of feelings and urges and now she's leaving me hanging?! After everything I did for her she needs a break?! Because 'all' she got out of me in five years is a make out session?! Because it's so 'challenging' to be my girlfriend?!

What about how challenging it is to be her boyfriend?! One day all is perfectly fine and the next she's miffed because of whatever. One day she finds my 'quirks' cute as a button, and the next she understands why others would find me 'too much'. Just because she didn't say it out loud, doesn't hide the fact that she finds me 'annoying' too.

One day our agreement is the best thing ever, because it's 'binding' and the next it's 'ridiculous'. She even felt embarrassed by me like everybody else I know, and how often did I see her rolling her eyes and looking at me oh so sternly when I apparently said something inappropriate. Did she ever thought about how that makes me feel? I bet she never has.

She thinks she would be so saintly patient. I couldn't disagree more. I'm not the one constantly complaining for wanting more. She is. I'm not the one going on and on about how she isn't fulfilling my expectations. She is. I'm not the one that forces her to change for me. She is. She's everything but patient. The moment I met her she's been breathing down my neck to move forward.

Run! Run faster, Sheldon! RUN FASTER!

I was too slow.

The tea didn't help at all.

This is all Penny's fault. She and Bernadette corrupted my Amy. They put all those ideas in her head about romance and sex and whatnot.

No, this is the fault of them all. Always making fun of me. Always nagging at me. Always blaming me. She used to be on my side, now she is one of them.

I didn't do anything to deserve this.

She said she hopes that I understand. I don't. I don't understand her at all.

What could be the result of that reevaluation? Could Amy be happy without me? Could she forget me and love another man? Someone less challenging?

Well, if that's so, she can go. If she can just decide to stop loving me, so be it then. I never wanted love anyway.

Why am I crying then?

Thank you for reading! :)

Next chapter will be Amy's view of things.