"Graham, are you almost ready? We gotta head over to grandpa's right away." Erin calls up the stairs to her 8 year old son.
"Be there in a sec, just grabbing my jersey from the dryer!" he yelled back.
He was so much like his father, it broke her heart at times. Erin missed Jay with all her being, they had an arguement before he left for North Korea, and he asked for a divorce. She expected that if ever came a time where the word divorce was at play, that she would be the one to say it, not Jay. They had been married for 5 years now, together for at least 15. It took him 8 years to convince her to get married. Jay likes to believe that he finally convinced her, but it was actually Graham one night when she was putting him to bed. He had mentioned that one of his friends at daycare has the same last name as his mom and dad, and that he didn't understand why he was different. He was pretty upset when Jay picked him up from daycare that day, and I finally understood why. So the next time that Jay asked, which was supposed to be in a few weeks time, Erin said yes. Jay had been asking Erin to marry him at least twice a year since he first asked. Then Graham was born, and it turned into once a month. By year two, she wouldn't even validate the question with a verbal answer. She would either give him a look or just laugh and carry one with her day. But when she finally said yes, Jay was shocked, he got her to repeat herself a few times, in disbelief. She had told him not to make a big deal out of it, that she had finally gotten sick of him asking, so to shut him up, she said yes. He knew that's not the reason why. He knew it had to do with Graham. But if that was the story she was sticking too, he wasn't going to second guess it.
Jay knew Erin wouldn't do anything she didn't want to. So when she finally said yes, he knew that she had already decided that the next time he asked, that she would say yes. Asking her to marry him had become a game for them. He knew she wasn't going anywhere. That as far as they were concerned, their relationship was more of a marriage than most of the married couples they knew. But for Jay, he wanted the whole world to know that they were partners for life. Not just at work, and not just as a couple who had been together for years. He wanted to share something bigger with her. They already had a little boy who was everything to them. They shared a mortgage, bills and loans. But he wanted something more. He just didn't know how to tell her.
Erin knew why he wanted to get married, even if he never said so outloud. He wanted her to know that he was never going to leave. That he would always be hers, even if telling her for the past 10 years wasn't enough. He knew that she needed something physical to remind her everyday. And he knew that a ring could be that reminder. When ever they had an arguement, she would always tell him he didn't have to stick around if he didn't want to. That he had no obligation to her what so ever. That people always leave, and he was always free to do so if he wanted. Erin believed no one ever stuck around forever. That things always change, and people always leave. throughout her life, she had come to terms with it. She expected it, and became numb whenever someone left. A new chapter in her life, without all the leading characters.
Though everytime she told him this, he would remind her of their past. That if he had wanted to leave, he would have done so. But they were partners, in more than just work. She was his best friend, her partner who always had his back, and that he would always have hers. He would remind her that an arguement or fight in a relationship was normal. He would remind her that running isn't the answer. Shutting him out or shutting down wouldn't make her feel happy in the long run. He would remind her that the people in her life love her for who she is, past and all. That no one thinks of her any less for the things she has had to do to survive. He would remind her that being a survivor doesn't mean you are alone.
After time, she started to believe the things he would say, and she started to think more of herself. Then she got pregnant and she had convinced herself that she would be a terrible mother.
Erin had been distracted at 21 for days, and it was getting on Hank's nerves. He had called her into his office and called her out on it, and she started to cry. The tears had been the last thing he expected from her. He told her to try to pull herself together and they would go for a drive, like they used to when she was young. They ended up at a diner Camille used to take her too. She ordered decaf coffee, and Hank knew right away. He asked her if she was pregnant, and she said she was terrifed of being a parent. That she knew she would never be good enough to raise a child and not fuck it up. Hank laughed, and Erin got mad. Hank explained that he felt the same way. But with time, him and Camille realized that you do the best you can, but you have to never stop trying to be a better parent. The moment you stop trying, is the moment that you put yourself before the child and the moment you no longer are worthy of being a parent.
About an hour later, after Erin told Hank that Jay didn't know, and that she was considering terminating the child, Hank had convinced her to at least tell Jay and go from there. She then realized that he would never stop being her parent, and told him as much and thanked him for taking her in. Hank told her that just because he doesn't tell her often, doesn't mean that he doesn't love her. Hank told Erin that he still believes she is one of the best things that had happened to him, coming short of Camille.
After retirement, Hank moved to New York to be with Olivia. He offered to sell it to us, but Jay thought it would be best if Hank kept it to keep Camille's memory alive. Hank couldn't disagree, so he makes a trip to Chicago once a month to visit his grandkids and to keep an eye on the house.
But here we are. Years later, Jay at war, wanting a divorce and, Erin and her boy heading over to Grandpa's for thanksgiving dinner. The old Intelligence unit still getting together for thanksgiving, just like we used too. Al and Meredith are grandparents too, so Lexie her husband her their twins, 'Tonio and his wife Laura, well they aren't actually married, but they were at one point, got divorced, then got back together years later. Their kids are out of state at college, and can't make it this year, something about midterms, Kim and Roman, Adam and Sylvie, Kevin and April. The whole unit back together under one roof. Plus Justin and Olive with their three kids.
Erin and Graham are the last ones to arrive. Adam makes a comment about Erin always being fashionably late, and Kevin piping up that after all this time, he thinks it's no longer a fashion statement, making everyone laugh. Everyone asks her how Jay is overseas, and she tells them he's good. Keeping her answers short and sweet, so she doesn't get caught up in a lie. Hank is the only one who knows that Jay asked for a divorce. Graham thinks that his dad is in an area where he can't be contacted, on the plus side, Graham thinks that that piece of information is the coolest thing ever, and has never been more proud of his dad.
Throughout the evening, Hank checks in on Erin, concerned that the front that she's putting out, will crumble with enough wine. And she's been nursing the wine all night. After dinner, Erin excuses herself and goes upstairs to Hank and Camille's old room, needing to be closer to Camille. When Erin was younger, Camille would always know exactly what to say to make her feel better. And on evenings like this, where the whole family was together, she could imagine Camille in the kitchen laughing with Hank as they prepared dessert together. Knowing that her marriage was crumbling apart without anyone knowing, Erin wished that Camille could give her a pep talk and tell her how to fix her marriage.
While dishing out dessert, Hank was missing Camille. He knew she would have loved an evening like this. She would have taken the biggest piece of pie from Hank and left him to his own devices. Payment for her services as chef, as she would put it, knowing full well that Hank made the dinner and she just sat on the counter and watched. Sometimes Hank thought that holidays would be better served alone. So the memory of his late wife wouldn't sneak up on him at times like this, when he was surounded with family and old time friends. Having Justin and Erin nearby helped. Seeing bits and pieced of Cammie in them helped him believe it was all worth it in the end. Having loved and loss was all worth it if his kids were healthy and happy.
After asking Justin if he's seen Erin, Justin shrugged and pointed upstairs. It had been years since Erin escaped up to his room for some piece and quiet, and Hank knew she was hurting. After Camille died, Erin moved back in for a few months to keep an eye on Justin and Hank. But when she thought no one would notice, she would crawl into Hank's bed, on Camille's side, and cry. And that's exactly where Hank found her.
Instead of trying to make her feel better, Hank sat beside her, rubbed her shoulder, and told her that he missed Camille too. That she would have known exactly what to say to make this hurt less. He told her that he was no Camille, but he would always be there for her, no matter the out come. Hearing Hank tell her these sweet things, Erin cried harder, knowing deep inside that her marriage was over, that the last 15 years would mean nothing. That everything Jay had ever told her turned out to be a lie. That he lied about never leaving, about always being her partner. She didn't know what hurt the most, the fact that her marriage was over, or the fact that she had lost her best friend, her partner.
-
Being overseas was more boring than doing all the paperwork from intelligence combined. Jay knew that if he just kept his mouth shut, in a few months he would be home for good. He knew this war was a joke, and the fact that the states were drafting again, was a bad sign, so he signed up voluntarily, so he could get a reduced tour. Being 47 and a Sargent at the CPD with a previous tour, gave him some pull with how long he was in North Korea. All he wanted to do was go home and see his son. Tell him that no matter what he was always going to love him. Jay wanted to tell Erin the same thing, but he wasn't sure if he believed it anymore. He would always love her, not just because she is the mother of his child, but because she has been his best friend for almost 20 years. He just wasn't sure if he was in love with her anymore.
Jay thought that some distance between them would help him think. But after the last fight about him joining the war, he asked for a divorce. It just slipped out of him, and he regretted it since. Not because he said it, but because he knew thats what he wanted. After years of telling Erin he loved her, and that he would never leave, and her finally marrying him, it all came crashing down and meant nothing once those words came out of his mouth. He knew he hurt her beyond repair. He knew that she would doubt every word that came out of his mouth from then on out. So he just packed his bag, and left and stayed at Hanks before he caught his plane to San Francisco.
He tallked to Hank at least once every two weeks. As much as he would like to deny it, Hank had become the closest thing to a father. Not just his mentor, or his wife's dad or his son's grandfather, but a father figure to him as well. Someone he would go to for advice on his career, parenting and especially Erin. They had plenty of late night conversations about Erin. And how Jay would have to be patient with her. Knowing full well that her past is driving her furture. And that he has to keep reminding her that the past doesn't dictate how her furture plays out. That she doesn't have to become her mother, and that it's okay to leave Bunny in the past and move on, without feeling guilty.
But every two weeks, he gets an update on Graham, and how well he's doing. Hank never mentions Erin. Even avoids Jay's questions about her, simply telling him that if he wants to know how she's doing, he would have to pick up the phone and call. Jay knew he couldn't do that, knowing that the only conversation he would have with her would be about the divorce. Once he got back, they will be separated for 8 months, 4 more, and then they will be able to file. Just the thought of filing for divorce broke his heart. How could he ask her to marry him for five years, and give up on them after another five? How could he do this? But how could he stay if he wasn't happy? How could he lie to her, just to make her feel better?
He knew he had to make a decision, and soon. He didn't know if by the time he got back to Chicago, if she would be waiting for him. And that hurt more than anything.