He couldn't breathe.
Sam stared at Mercedes unblinkingly as she sang her rendition of 'I Will Always Love You.' He stared at her as she shattered his heart. He stared at her because he loved her. He stared because she was everything to him and he had never been prouder than he had been in that moment.
But he couldn't breathe.
The need was there but he couldn't make himself do it. He was suffocating but that was fine because he felt as if he was slowly dying inside anyway. Hearing her say good-bye to him was killing him but he didn't know how to make it stop. What a cruel twist of fate to have your salvation standing mere feet away from you watching as you slowly perish. What had he done to deserve this? Why couldn't he ever get what wanted? Why couldn't he ever have happiness that lasted longer than a few weeks?
Why couldn't he breathe?
As Sam listened to Mercedes sing to him about how she hoped life treated him kind and that he got everything he dreamed of the tears started to well in his eyes. She was everything he dreamed of, she was his dream girl. If life truly wanted to treat him kind it would give him her. How can he have joy and happiness without his heart? Was he being punished for what happened with Shane? Yes, he knew he was wrong, but honestly, wasn't the punishment too harsh for the crime? He didn't regret a single thing that he did to get Mercedes back until that moment. He re-traced his actions in his mind and tried to pinpoint the exact moment he pushed too hard. That one step too far that was more than Mercedes could handle. Was it the tilt-a-whirl comment? Or the tweet about her smelling good? Or maybe it was the dig at Shane during God Squad? What had he done so horribly that fate deemed it necessary to punish him this way? The more Sam thought it about it the madder he got. Screw fate! He fought for the woman he loved and that he knew loved him, there is nothing wrong with that. He shouldn't be punished for that. He shouldn't have to hurt this way. No matter the pain, Sam realized he couldn't regret the steps that brought him to this place because in the end it brought Mercedes back to him even though it was temporary. Hearing her say she loved him was everything. Hearing her say that was a soothing balm that lessened the ache of his broken heart. It didn't fix it but it made it somewhat bearable. Hearing her say that took his breath away.
Is that why he still couldn't breathe?
Sam closed his eyes because he could no longer stand to look at her because it hurt too damn much. But as cruel fate would have it he couldn't even escape her behind shut lids. The second he closed his eyes he was instantly transported to the balcony of the auditorium and he looked down on the most stunning vision he had ever seen in his life. Mercedes was a revelation in a red dress that hugged every curve that God gave her. The ball in Sam's throat began to get bigger and bigger and he took in the sight of her on stage doing what she loved, surrounded by bright lights. She was star, and she was his star but like all the stars in the sky she was made to be admired from afar. She was beautiful, one of a kind, and completely unreachable. The realization of that hit Sam like a ton of bricks. Who knew what the future would bring for them but he knew right then in that moment that he couldn't have her and it broke his heart. Sam opened his eyes and found himself back in the choir room staring deep in the watery brown eyes of Mercedes. At the sight of her Sam sucked in a deep breath and held it. Seeing her in pain was too much for him, he had to leave but it was physically impossible to do that while she was still singing. He waited until she finished that last, long, heart-breaking note before he jumped up and walked out of the choir room as fast as his legs would carry him. As soon as he walked out of the choir room door he took off running until he reached the front doors. He burst through them and desperately tried to draw air into his lungs as the tears streamed down his face. Even as Sam took deep breaths of the cool air outside the feeling of suffocating still wouldn't go away. The ball in his throat wouldn't get any smaller. The tears falling from his eyes wouldn't stop. Sam felt helpless and alone and the vastness of that feeling scared him. Being alone didn't frighten him, but being without Mercedes in his life scared him to death. The idea of not seeing her every day, or hearing her voice, or seeing her smile made it impossible to breathe. She took his breath away but at the same time she gave him life. She brightened his day, and she made him feel as if he could accomplish anything with her by his side. Every time he looked in her eyes he saw what he hoped would be his children's eyes one day. Every time she was by his side he could imagine them the same way 50 years in the future. Life threw him one hell of a curve ball today but lucky for him, he was a hell of a ball player. Mercedes might not be his present but she would be his future.
That realization and the peace that came from it made Sam smile. He took a deep breath and the suffocating feeling that he felt from the second Mercedes told him that she couldn't be with him slowly began to dissipate.
He could breathe again.